Title: Home's the Farthest Way
Chapter: 11
Author: ReeraTheRed
Date: May 17, 2005
Rating: PG13
Our Story So Far: When a semi-cure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and is forced to choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure. In the last chapter, Lupin is back home, after spending the entire previous week recovering at St. Mungo's. Snape spends the evening with her, watching opera, and she finds she's having some unfamiliar feelings about him.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz.
Author's Note: Yay – school's out (at least until summer session starts), so I'm catching up on writing.
Thanks for all the reviews (goodness, people have liked the last two chapters). You are all quite delightful, and I have really enjoyed everyone's comments, many of which made me laugh. I think the grand prize goes to Kyer: "Snape really needs some How And When NOT To Be A Gentleman classes."
Chapter 11
"Are you all right, Remus?" Molly asked, concern crossing her face.
Lupin stared at the parchment in front of her. "Yes," she said, blinking. "Oh yes. This is . . . quite generous. More than I could have ever expected."
"It's a pittance," Arthur said, with some vehemence. "With your talents, you could earn so much more, if you were allowed. This comes to even less than a standard Ministry disability pension."
"It is more than adequate for my needs," Lupin said. "It's a king's ransom to me." She smiled. "Thank you, Arthur. I can't begin to tell you what this means for me. And how much I appreciate your efforts on my behalf."
"My pleasure, Remus," Arthur said, flushing.
"You're sure you're all right," Molly said again. "We were a little . . . that is to say, well, Severus was concerned that you might be upset."
"Severus has chided me for being unreasonable about accepting aid when needed," Lupin said. "He's right." She smiled at them again. "There is no shame in accepting help from my dear friends."
"You've been a help to us often enough, Remus," Molly said. "There's more than money." She patted Lupin's hand. Then she collected herself, and stood up. "Now, I'm sure you'd like a little time to think before everyone else arrives for dinner. Arthur, could you help me in the kitchen?"
"Everyone else?" Lupin said, carefully keeping any alarm out of her voice. She wasn't in the mood for a crowd tonight.
"Just a few people from the Order. Albus is coming, and Moody, and a few others."
"Severus?" The name slipped out of Lupin's mouth before she could stop it.
"We invited him, but he declined." Molly shrugged. "He said he already had other obligations, but, well, Severus has never been one for gatherings."
"No," Lupin said. "No, he isn't."
Arthur and Molly left her. Lupin sat with the paper clutched in her hand. The words swam in front of her eyes; the amount awarded to her, a row of numbers, blurring. Severus was not coming. Her stomach lurched. He knew she'd be here. He was avoiding her, he'd seen how she felt, last night, and was repelled.
Stop it, she told herself. You're behaving like a schoolchild.
It had been like this since she woke up that morning. Last night, after he'd gone, she'd tried to sleep, only there had been dreams, of a kind and intensity she hadn't had since she was a young man – and, well, she'd never had dreams quite like that as a young man. Not from that angle, as it were.
It was the aftershock of the full moon and being in an animal body, she told herself. It was Snape's healing potion. It was being in the body of a middle-aged woman – she had some pamphlets talking about that. She was probably going to feel like that about anything with a Y chromosome, so it was only natural to feel that way after close contact with a male she was fond of.
She'd lain in bed, hugging her knees to her chest, thinking of other males she'd been close to in her life. Sirius, she conjured him in her mind, in his many faces – the handsome boy she'd loved as a brother, the tortured man who'd come back, after all those years. And she did love him, she missed him still, but her feelings were no different than they'd been before, as a man. My dear, disreputable brother, if you were alive today, I'd care for you deeply, but as a well-loved, but exasperating, friend.
James, then? She thought she would have been in love with him as a schoolgirl, particularly knowing him as well as she had, but she couldn't awaken anything now. He was so much Lily's. And Sirius's. I was always on the fringe of those three. Peter? Too much had happened since the old days; the only emotion that came now when she thought of him was sorrow and guilt.
She tried to think further, of other men she knew, or of the latest witches' heartthrobs. Gilderoy Lockhart's handsome face flashed in her mind, though she could only laugh at the thought of him. But her thoughts kept returning to a certain long, pale face with piercing black eyes and her heart leapt every time. After torturing herself for what seemed like hours, she pressed her face into her knees and admitted the reality to herself. I am attracted to Severus. Deeply.
The whole situation was ridiculous, she knew that. I have been female for all of a week, how can I feel this way? And, worse, what would Severus think, if he knew? It had to be hard for him now, seeing his male friend in this shape. If he knew she had developed a sexual attraction to him, he could only be horrified.
But who else would she feel this way for, if not her best friend? And that realization brought another set of crushing memories. It wasn't exactly the first time she had been madly in love with someone who only considered her a friend, after all. In fact, this seemed to be more the norm of Lupin's existence – unrequited love. There had been so many times, with Lily; Lupin had listened to her confidences while his heart ached for her. Had Lily known? He would have died rather than let her know. He would never have risked ending their friendship, and he'd had the sense to know that anyone who had fallen for James was hardly going to consider him.
If I could bear it then, with all the anguish of youth, I can certainly bear it now, when I am older and calmer. Severus is not coming tonight, whether he knows or not. It's just as well. I will have a good time with my friends here, and next time I see Severus, I will be careful and show nothing.
She forced herself to look at the parchment again, as a distraction. Other emotions emerged – especially her knee-jerk reaction to anything that smacked of pity, but she was able to suppress it. And the part of her that was deathly weary of slow starvation, servility, and scrounging was turning somersaults. This would mean security and a life of dignity. And the freedom to pursue those things that, had she been a normal human being, she could have earned a living at. Pursuits that used her talents – her studies and research. She was still a Master of the Studies of the Dark Arts, after all.
She looked again at the numbers on the parchment. Yes, Arthur was right, it wasn't a huge amount, but it was enough. She gripped the paper tightly; yes, this makes me feel happy.
Arthur went to answer the door and Lupin heard Moody's gruff voice. He hasn't seen me yet, she thought, sighing inwardly, as she discretely tucked the parchment out of sight and stood up.
Moody paused, giving her the once-over, then he nodded, as if approving. "You still look like yourself," he said.
"I still feel like myself," she answered, unable to suppress a smile as she held out her hand – I'm the lady now, I have to offer first.
Moody took her hand and gave it a shake or two, before sitting down. "I hear the Ministry has finally done right by you, too. High time. I'd have you in the Aurors in a heartbeat, if I had any say in it, but now I can use you unofficially without feeling guilty."
"I'd be delighted," Lupin said. "Feel free to call me in on anything interesting."
"The things they consider 'not worth their time,'" Moody grumbled, and his false eye spun for a moment. He frowned. "Speaking of which, there's some trouble in the werewolf communities. I know you aren't exactly in touch, but if you hear anything . . ."
"What kind of trouble? Though I can guess."
"Yes, I expect you can," Moody said. "The old guard is going to lose power if the rank and file get cured and don't need to stay in a pack for protection anymore. And they're signing up at the Ministry in droves. They're having to be secret about it, of course. Fear of retribution – you know the ones who'll try to stop them."
"I do," Lupin said. "I've been on the receiving end of some of it, myself. As a wizard, I'm a match for any werewolf, but I lose my magic when I'm in wolf form, and I'm not one of the stronger wolves. If my wizard friends hadn't made it plain they'd protect me, I'd be in real trouble. Severus actually faced down a pack leader a couple of years ago for me - Baron, who's now the head of a pack I tried to run with for a little while."
"I've heard of him," Moody nodded. "He's making a lot of noise, now, saying he'll kill anyone who goes to the Ministry. But there are too many, he can't kill them all."
"His pack runs in the Forbidden Forest," Lupin said. "I know them, I could - "
"No, I don't want you getting involved too much, Remus," Moody said. "You're a wizard, even if you're also a werewolf, and that makes you suspicious to the packs. It's the first batch of Muggle werewolves that will be the real test, the real victory. If we can just get through this next full moon, with that first group . . ."
"I know," Lupin said. "And I can tell you firsthand, what this means to the packs. All the people who've been subjugated by a small number of thug leaders. It's the powerful who rule in the werewolves, the strongest, and too often that means the most vicious. This cure is going to mean freeing a lot of innocent people."
"The Ministry's said it'll offer protection," Moody said, "but they don't understand the extent of the problem." He looked darkly at Lupin. "And there're some who'd be just as happy if the werewolves killed each other off." He nodded. "It's going to get worse before it gets better, mark my words."
Lupin nodded. "As you say, if we can just get past this, I do think it will get better."
"Every person we can cure is something, at least." Moody grinned at Lupin. "Even if all we did was cure you, that puts us ahead in my book."
Lupin smiled, but before she could answer, there was another call at the door. Kingsley and Tonks, this time. Lupin and Moody both stood up. Here we go again, more who haven't seen me, thought Lupin. But really, it's no worse than being at a fancy dress ball. Even if I didn't get to choose the costume.
"Hey, Remus, you look good," Tonks called merrily. "Are you going to keep the name?"
Lupin couldn't help laughing. It's going to be fine, she thought, embracing Tonks, and shaking Kingsley's hand. I'm glad I came tonight.
It was later, after dinner, when everyone was standing up from the table and wandering into the living room, when Dumbledore took Lupin by the arm.
"Remus," he said, eyes smiling, "I have neglected you for the past week. Would you join me in the garden for a few minutes?"
"You've hardly neglected me, Albus," Lupin said, as she let him guide her out the back door. "I feel I have monopolized far too much of your time and energy lately."
"Not in the least," Dumbledore said, "though I have been thinking about you." He settled down on a large rock, and surveyed the garden, all black night shadows, and spots of yellow light reflected from the windows of the house.
Lupin sat down beside him and waited.
"You seem to have settled into this new form even more quickly than I had hoped, Remus," Dumbledore said.
Lupin nodded. "I learned a long time ago that who I am is not determined by the shape I wear. I won't say I haven't had to get used to things – still have to get used to things – but yes, I am settling in. As you said, it won't be long before no one, not even I, will think of me as being any different."
"Then we will not speak of it anymore, tonight." Dumbledore was quiet for a moment more, then he said, "Have you given a thought to your future, Remus? Your life was taken over for so long, with the war, and then, last year, caring for Severus. What are your plans now?"
"I don't really have any," Lupin said. "I was worried about just living, but that's been taken care of, thanks to Arthur, and you, too, I expect." She nodded to Dumbledore in gratitude. "Moody says he plans to ask for my assistance on Auror business. I'd like that. And I'll be helping Severus set up, he's accepted some work."
"Ah yes, Severus," Dumbledore said, nodding. "You'll be helping him with his Potions work, I expect."
"Well, I'll certainly help him with his new work space. I can't help with his business, of course. I'm no Potions Master, I'd just get in the way."
Dumbledore looked at her through his half moon spectacles for a moment, and Lupin thought he was about to say something more. But he said nothing; instead he looked back at her. What does he want, wondered Lupin.
After a long moment, Dumbledore looked back out at the garden. "Well, you could help me tremendously, although I don't want you to change any plans you have already made."
"I'd be delighted to help you with anything, you know that."
Dumbledore raised his shaggy eyebrows. "It's Hogwarts business, actually. The curse on the Defense Against the Dark Arts position has worked again, although it took two years this time. Mabruk refuses to return next year. I think he's found that it's hard to impress students with classroom exercises when they've fought against Voldemort himself. So once again I find myself without a Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor."
Lupin caught her breath.
"Would you consider taking the job on again, Remus?" Dumbledore said it very casually.
Lupin's heart did a flip-flop. "But I'm still a werewolf, Albus. Even if I am cured, there will be parental objections."
"A cured werewolf is no danger to the children. And you are a hero, Remus, a holder of the Order of Merlin, and an original member of the Order of the Phoenix. I think that should outweigh any objections anyone would care to raise." Dumbledore looked at her. "You were one of the best teachers Hogwarts has ever had, and I'd be overjoyed if you would return."
Lupin couldn't speak. She felt tears rising in her eyes.
"Remus, if you don't want to, I can find someone else - "
"No! I mean, Yes! Of course I want to! You know I do." She caught her breath, and fought the urge to leap up into the air in sheer joy.
"Then I will be delighted to have you on my staff again."
Lupin had to force herself to breathe. Teaching at Hogwarts. She'd said she could do it, earlier, when she first heard of the cure, but she hadn't really hoped it would happen.
But then another thought hit her, and she was instantly sober. She took a deep breath. "But what about Severus? Have you considered him?"
"I asked him and he refused," said Dumbledore. "I think he was horrified at the very thought of stepping into a classroom of teen-aged students again."
"Well, yes," Lupin said. "There is that."
"He will feel no jealousy of you, should you accept the position," Dumbledore said, and again, Lupin thought he was about to say something else, but decided against it.
Lupin nodded. "I know how much he wanted the position, all those years he was at Hogwarts." She looked at Dumbledore. "Albus, why didn't you let him have it? I don't know if it would have made him happy, but it might have made life at Hogwarts more bearable."
Dumbledore looked back at her. "A Potions Master of Severus's ability, teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts? Do you know what the O.W.L. and N.E.W.T scores in Potions were, when he was teaching? I haven't been able to find anyone half as good since he's left us – not with the money a Potions Master can make in business these days." And again, the way he looked at her made Lupin think that there was more to it, but Dumbledore did not add anything, and she did not ask further.
x-x-x
"I won't move into rooms at Hogwarts until the term starts, of course," Lupin said as she filled two glasses with water. "So there's the whole summer, still." She considered. "I wonder where I put my old lesson plans . . ."
Snape was quiet as he helped himself to the dishes the House Elves had set out on the counter.
He's worried I'll be too busy to see him much, Lupin thought, and she quickly said, "It won't be any more trouble to floo between your flat and Hogwarts than it is to floo between your flat and here. I'm not head of any house, I'll have time to visit. We can spend just as many evenings together. I'll grade papers, and read out the more amusing bits to you. You can tell me about the werewolf research, or the latest findings from St. Mungo's. Very much like we've always been."
Snape nodded. "Of course." He carried his plate over to the kitchen table.
Lupin thought she was managing fairly well. Her heart had raced as his arrival time approached, and she'd felt her stomach lurch at the sight of him in the fireplace, but she'd managed to get control of herself. And if she did tend to gaze at him as he'd turn or gesture gracefully with a hand, on the whole she felt she'd betrayed nothing.
She sat down at the table. He waited until she picked up her fork and cut a bite before he did the same, and they began to eat.
"I've found a place that may suit me," Snape said. "It's a bit too large, though. For just one person." He ate another bite. "Though I've been thinking about taking on students. Older students, post-school, of course. Apprentices. But that might be more than I could manage alone." He looked at Lupin for a moment, but as usual, she couldn't make out anything in his face.
"I think that would be wonderful, if you could manage it. You might want to keep it in mind for the future, if you don't feel up to it now," Lupin said. "You may find you need the help, if your workload increases." She smiled. "You could wind up quite the entrepreneur. Head of your own staff."
"I fear I would make a poor Master," said Snape. "I would pity any child who chose to apprentice under me."
"Perhaps if you had someone to handle things for you," Lupin said.
Snape nodded. "The house is set up with living quarters as well as workspace. It was owned by a family – a husband, wife, children." Snape's eyes flicked toward Lupin's for a moment. "The children's rooms could be used by students, of course."
"Of course. It sounds very nice. Why are they selling?"
"They're retiring and moving to a smaller place. The children have moved out, and none of them want to carry on the business."
"It does sound like more than you would need for now," Lupin said. "But there's no harm in having too much space, if you can afford it. And if it suits you otherwise."
"The working areas are excellent. I would have to make a few changes, of course – reinforce the walls and check the ventilation, mostly."
"Then it sounds like the perfect place," said Lupin. "You'll be a man of property."
"Even if I do rattle around in the personal quarters." Snape leaned back in the chair. "I don't suppose you have any of the butterbeer I brought over the other night."
"Yes, down in the basement, where it's cooler. I'll bring some up."
"No, don't bother, I'll get it. I know where it is." Snape stood up, and walked to the basement door. "Do you want any?"
"Yes, please."
Snape said, "Lumos" and the basement lights came on, then he disappeared down the stairs. He came back a few minutes later, carrying two bottles. He popped both open, set one by Lupin, and sat down.
But he didn't drink. Instead, he pursed his lips, as if thinking. Then he said, "Lupin, are you going to do anything about that cage down there?"
Lupin started. "No, I hadn't planned to. I guess I hadn't even thought about it."
"You don't need it anymore."
Lupin was quiet for a moment. "No, I know." She sighed. "But the thought of losing it frightens me. Of course, the thought of keeping it frightens me, too. Because of what it means, if I should ever need it again."
Snape watched her. "How long has it been since you've been inside it?"
"Not since you've been making the Wolfsbane Potion for me. Three years now." She stifled a shudder. "I confess, the idea of ever going inside it again terrifies me. But the idea of needing it again and not having it there, that terrifies me even more."
"You won't need it again. You just punish yourself by keeping it."
"I know, I know. I guess there's just a part of me that can't really believe it. Maybe when I've been through a few full moons . . ." She shrugged. "I have to say, I don't think I'll ever be ready to face a full moon alone. There will always be that fear, you know. That I'll lose control. That the madness will come back. This cure hasn't been around long enough to really say that it lasts a lifetime."
"I will spend the full moons with you, as long as you want me," Snape said.
Her heart flipped, and she smiled at him, "Thank you, Severus, that means so much to me." I'm getting a goofy look on my face, she thought, and she quickly looked away. Did he see? Please let him not have seen.
If he did see anything, he gave no sign. Not that that meant anything.
"Well, then, to your new place, maybe," Lupin said quickly, holding up her butterbeer bottle. "And to me letting go of the cage. Maybe."
Snape lifted his own bottle and clinked it against hers. And they drank.
She delayed taking Snape's offered healing potion until after he'd left, drinking it slowly as she sat on the sofa, staring at the empty fireplace where he'd stood before vanishing in a burst of green flames.
She finished the mug, and carried it into the kitchen, washing it in the sink. There was nothing else to tidy up; Snape had helped her earlier, washing dishes, wiping counters.
And there was the door to the basement. She hadn't gone down there since she came back, except for the brief trip to store the butterbeer. Now she found herself staring at the door. I don't want to go down there. Which meant she had to. Particularly after what Severus had said that night, about the cage.
She opened the door and stepped carefully down the stairs. And there was THAT door, off the main room of the basement. She stared at it for a long time before she turned the knob and let it swing open.
The cage took up almost the entire room. It stood as high as a man could stand, as wide as a man could lie. A raging dragon couldn't shift it, or dent its bars; top grade ironwork had been reinforced by spells that would last a lifetime. Moonlight shone through a narrow row of windows, throwing shadows of the bars on the walls. She called out "Lumos" and the room became light, but the shadows were still there, against white plaster walls covered in layer upon layer of faint brown stains. Lupin's blood, years of it, more than even the strongest Scouring Spell could remove. Mum had always cleaned it all off, every time, but Lupin gave up after she was gone. What was the point?
The cage door hung open, showing the complicated latch mechanism, impossible for a wolf's paw to open, but easy for a human hand, even if that human could barely stand. How long had it been since Lupin had last opened that door and dragged his body out? Almost three years. Severus had been making the Wolfsbane Potion for Lupin ever since.
Lupin leaned back against the wall, and slid down until she sat on the floor, never taking her eyes off the bars. They'd had it built here before Lupin had gone to Hogwarts, he'd been dangerous even that young. And the first night, Mum and Dad had sat just where Lupin was sitting now and watched. And the rage he'd felt, seeing them, how he'd flung himself against the bars, wanting only to reach them, to tear them apart with fangs and claws.
When he was himself again the next morning, he'd asked them not to wait with him again, it only made things worse, and they never did. Mum would walk with him to the basement door and watch to make sure he was in the cage, and the latch was secure, and then she'd leave him. She would come back in the morning to help him stagger to the cot they'd set up in the basement, pour healing potions down his throat to numb the agonizing pain, and bandage his wounds. By the third day, he would be little more than a bloody mass. He would heal quickly, but he was never really well, and a month later, it would all begin again.
At Hogwarts, it had been the hated Shrieking Shack, and Poppy and Minerva who had ministered to him. But that had only been for seven years of his life. Mostly, it had been Mum and Dad, and then no one, after they were gone. He'd tried running with a werewolf pack for a short time; being with the group calmed the madness, as it had those wild nights with James and Sirius and Peter, in their animal forms. But life with the pack had too high a price, and he'd left, to return here.
All those years of going down the basement steps, alone, closing the door behind him, hearing the clank of the cage door that meant both safety, and agony. My chamber of horrors, and my sanctuary. There had been no money for healing potions for most of that time, and too often, he wouldn't leave the cage until the three days of full moon were over, unless driven by hunger or thirst. Severus had not been the only one who had considered ending an existence that seemed doomed to nothing but misery. If not for the thought of the pain it would cause those who cared for him, he would surely have done it.
And here I am now. It was like being at the other end of a dark tunnel, blinking in the light. Had it been worth it, all those years of misery and loneliness? She looked again at the brown-stained walls, and the shadows of the bars, and thought, Yes. She closed her eyes, and felt a tear run down her cheek. Oh yes, to be where I am now. I cannot say I will have no more pain in my life, but at least this horror is over. These stains are just shadows of a past that is truly gone now.
But she was not ready to give up the cage. Not just yet. There was some part of her that still needed it.
Severus said I am punishing myself, she thought. He could be right. I have never felt I deserved any of this, but I have always felt tainted. She looked at her hand. Even cured, I am still a werewolf, the dark magic still runs in my blood. That will not end, until I am dead.
No, I am not ready, I will keep it. I will keep the room door closed, I don't have to look at it. But I need to know it's there.
Besides, how on earth am I going to get it out of here?
She sat a few moments more. Then she stood up, dusted off her robes and left the room, carefully pulling the door shut behind her.
TBC
