Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 13

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: May 31, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: When a semi-cure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and is forced to choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure. In the last chapter, Lupin and Hermione spend the day in Diagon Alley, Lupin runs into Baron, the werewolf chief, and she and Hermione have a very depressing lunch.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz. And, as always, thanks for all the reviews, they are what keeps me going!


Chapter 13

"Chocolate, chocolate," Lupin muttered as she searched frantically through the pantry shelves. There had to be some left. She pushed cans and boxes aside, peering into the shadows behind them, but she couldn't find anything. Even her special For Medicinal Purposes Only stash seemed to have vanished.

There was no help for it, she would have to go out and get more. Right away. She'd been told there would be cravings At That Time, but she hadn't expected anything like this. Granted, according to one of her many pamphlets, female werewolves could have particularly intense symptoms, usually once or twice a year. Wonderful.

On the other hand, now that she wasn't destitute, she could afford something more than the serviceable but pedestrian products at the local market. She could go to Honeydukes; it was only a moment's Apparating away, after all. And she could walk around Hogsmeade while she was there. Suddenly, the thought of going out for supplies didn't sound so bad.

Even if she otherwise felt like, well, a number of unprintable words filled her brain, though she seemed to be over the worst of it. The first day had been as bad as she'd expected, perhaps even worse, just from the strangeness of it. She'd felt out of sorts the day before – irritable, depressed, but had put it down to a post-recovery relapse from her hospital stay. The next day, she'd discovered what it really was. Well, next month, she'd know the symptoms. And have a lot more chocolate on hand, not to mention some wonderful potions Molly had recommended to her. Fortunately, she seemed to be over the worst of it.

She checked herself in the mirror. She didn't feel attractive even when she was normal, but now it was worse – a gaunt face, heavily lined, with sunken eyes stared back at her. However, she was at least fit to go out in public. Her hair was relatively neat – she was tying it back these days, which was easy to do. Robes were clean and straight. All right, then. She set her hat on her head, pulled a light, summer cloak over her shoulders, and headed out her front door. She checked the wards around the house – everything was working – and, with a bang, she Apparated.

She reappeared just outside of Hogsmeade, near the train station. She looked down the High Street. Things were quiet – Hogwarts was still in session, but the students would be close to exams now. In a few days, the village would be full of celebrating children, but now, only a few adults were wandering the streets.

Normally, she would have strolled down the main street, looking in the windows, but today, she went directly to Honeydukes, with barely a glance at The Three Broomsticks or the Post Office. She picked up a basket and made straight for the chocolate. It was comforting just to see all her old favorites, plus some new things she hadn't tried before. And how wonderful to simply toss things into the basket, without having to carefully weigh the cost and figure out the most she could buy with the few pence she could afford to spend on an indulgence.

She carried her basket to the counter. The witch there smiled at her and nodded knowingly as she totaled it all up, placing everything in a brightly colored bag. "You look like you could use this, dear," she said sympathetically.

"Oh, yes," Lupin said, as she paid and took the bag. She waited until she was outside the shop before she pulled out the first piece of chocolate her fingers touched and bit into it.

Ah, that was much better. She felt calmer almost immediately. She finished her first piece, and started on a second. Now she could wander. She walked slowly along the street. Above the rooftops, she could make out the Shrieking Shack in the distance, and she felt a chill, but she quickly looked away. There were plenty of other, more pleasant sights around her.

There was Zonko's. She stared happily into the window for at least fifteen minutes. Exploding gum – the picture showed flames and smoke coming out of a boy's mouth. Magic damping amulets – "your friends' spells won't work and they won't know why." And an amazing selection of fireworks charms, all different colors. Several of the items had labels reading "Weasley's Wizard Wheezes" on them. Fred and George's business was still going strong.

Next door was Gladrags. Moving mannequins in the window were dressed in what Lupin guessed were the latest fashions for witches. While she could see they were very pretty to look at, she had little interest in the mechanics of it all, and her brain rebelled at applying any of this to herself. I guess I'm just a born bluestocking, she thought. I'll be a scruffy professor forever, male or female.

Dervish and Banges, the wizard equipment store, that was more interesting. She wished she'd brought more money with her. Probably just as well. Those were things she'd have to save for. The Hog's Head was down a side road, but she just gave it a glance, she was definitely not in the mood for that today.

She reached the far side of the village, then turned and walked back. She thought about turning into The Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer, but decided against it, and soon found herself back at the train station.

I could go home now, she thought. But instead, she found herself continuing along the road as it wound along the lakeside. She tried to make out the giant squid, but he wasn't showing himself today. But the afternoon sunlight sparkled on the water, and a light wind rustled through the trees, and she was content just to walk, with her bag of chocolates.

And there were the gates to Hogwarts, the two great pillars, with the winged boars on top. The road continued on through them, but she stopped there – she probably wouldn't be able to get through them anyway. But it was all right, just to follow the road with her eyes as it crossed the beautiful green grass. Over to one side was the Quidditch pitch, and far beyond, across the lake and the grounds, was the dark line of the Forbidden Forest.

And towering above all was Hogwarts itself, with its turrets and battlements and rippling flags, sunlight glinting on the windows. Just the sight of it lifted her heart. In just a few months, I'll be back again. I'll have my chambers, and my office, and my classroom, and my students. The sixth and seventh years would have been first and second years when I taught before; I'll see familiar faces there. I'll have tea in the teachers' staff room or down with Hagrid in his hut. Or in my own chamber, maybe with Severus if I can persuade him to floo over.

She'd already begun planning lessons, looking into the latest textbooks, making arrangements to bring in interesting dark creatures – Hagrid was a big help there. It would be hard to impress the students, many of them had been in Harry's army, and already knew defensive techniques way beyond the norm for their age.

She leaned against a pillar, content to just stand and watch, even from outside, enjoying the green of the grass, the blue of the sky, the rocky cliffs, and the stones of Hogwarts, when a hand appeared out of nowhere to nip a piece of chocolate from her bag.

She whirled, and gasped, despite herself.

"Hello, Remus," Baron said, biting into the chocolate with his strong, white teeth.

Her heart was pounding. How long had he been there? He could have struck her down, and she wouldn't have known until it was too late.

"Hello, Baron," she said, forcing her voice to sound calm – but he almost certainly could sense the beating of her heart – "What do you want?"

He reached over, with a hand large enough to engulf both her hand and the bag as well, and delicately picked out another piece of chocolate. Lupin stifled a shiver, and forced herself to stand absolutely still.

"Good stuff," Baron said, as he popped it into his mouth. "Honeydukes make – of course, I could tell that from the bag. But that's why you're here, of course. A lot of the females come out here, every month."

He can smell me, Lupin thought. Probably any werewolf could, though. He had probably been in the Forbidden Forest, and caught her scent minutes after she arrived in Hogsmeade; the wind was blowing out that way. She could feel a flush rising in her face.

"I heard you found work after all," Baron said, nodding at Hogwarts. "The old man always had a soft spot for you. I presume your werewolf status is secret." He smiled in a very ugly fashion.

"No, it isn't," Lupin said. "So you can't blackmail me with the threat of exposing me."

He cocked his head. "The Hogwarts parents will let their precious children sit in the presence of a monster?"

He WAS planning on blackmailing me, thought Lupin. Or ruining it for me. "No one has protested yet."

"It's still early. How many of them know?" Baron smiled.

"Albus Dumbledore has said he will speak for me," Lupin said, hating herself as she said it - more proof that she could only exist by being dependent on others.

"And how much will it take for him to withdraw his support?" Baron

said. "Would you let him risk his position over you?"

Lupin suppressed a wince. Baron's right, she thought. I don't want Albus to stick his neck out for me, he has enough trouble as it is. "It will not come to that," Lupin said. "I'm not a danger. I've been cured."

"But I AM a danger," Baron said, and his smile turned uglier still. "And the Forbidden Forest is so close. There's no wall between it and the grounds. And students are always wandering in. How terrible if something should happen to them. It just takes one bite, to make a werewolf."

"You wouldn't dare harm any of the students," Lupin said. "You'd have every wizard after you."

"But it would be too late, wouldn't it?" Baron wasn't smiling now. "And the forest is so large and so dangerous. Voldemort himself wouldn't go through it. The werewolves have made it their home for centuries, and the wizards have never been able drive us out. We have survived every attack they've sent against us."

He's right, thought Lupin. Not even Albus could get them, if they chose to retreat deep into the Forbidden Forest.

Baron looked directly into her eyes. "You teach at Hogwarts, Remus, and a child will die. You have my word on that." A snarl curled on his lips. "Wizard protection is meaningless. You will always be an outcast. The cure means nothing, and it changes nothing, except that you lose even the protection of the pack."

He leaned in close, she could feel his breath on her face as he said, "The pack is the only way." Then he nodded at her, turned, and walked away.

Lupin stood watching until he disappeared into a copse of trees by the lake. She was shaking. He means it, she thought. He will do it. And he's right, he can get away with it. He knows he can't attack me directly, but he can get at me this way.

She turned to look at Hogwarts again. She had been so happy, just a few minutes ago. Now the sight only made her feel sick, and, for a moment, the thought flashed in her mind, I will be like this forever, an outsider at the gates, looking in.

She turned away, closed her eyes and Apparated home.

She told Dumbledore immediately – throwing floo powder into the fireplace as soon as she came in the door, and calling out the words, "Hogwarts, Headmasters Office." Albus listened, his face growing sadder as she spoke. But he did not protest when she said she could not come to Hogwarts in the fall. He simply nodded quietly, and said, "Perhaps another year."

"Perhaps," Lupin said, forcing a smile.

"Remus," Dumbledore said, gently, "you know you must take great care until the situation has been resolved. Baron will certainly approach you again. He knows where you live, and you have said he has at least one wizard under his command."

"Yes," Lupin nodded. "Alex. He is very skilled at Apparating. I've seen him transfer a large group of werewolves from one place to another."

Dumbledore nodded. "Baron has managed to approach you twice now without your knowing. I would prefer that you went into hiding, but I know you must not."

"No," said Lupin. "I've got to be visible, or wizard protection will appear to be meaningless."

Dumbledore looked thoughtful. "Perhaps," he said, carefully, "you might consider moving in with someone?"

"Leave my home?" Lupin said. "I can't do that; this could go on for a long time. Besides, my home should be safe. Alex has never been able to break my wards."

Dumbledore nodded. "You must be careful, then, when you venture out in public."

Lupin sighed. "No more trips to Honeydukes, I guess. It's too close to the Forbidden Forest. I wish I hadn't gone."

"Baron would have simply found you another time. He only needs to maintain a scout at places you go to regularly. And Muggles have methods of long distance communication that are every bit as effective as anything a wizard can do."

She really would have to watch herself wherever she went. "Diagon Alley should be safe," she said. "Baron did approach me there, but it's too crowded, he wouldn't dare try anything." She frowned. "Of course, when I'm in human form, he can't hurt me. A witch can take a werewolf, even a small group of them."

"He might come after you with more than a small group, Remus," Dumbledore said, seriously.

"Yes, he might." She closed her eyes. Try as I may, I can't keep my problems from involving other people.

As if reading her mind, Dumbledore said, "Remus, this is not your fault. You are a symbol. This is a war, and you have been forced into the heart of it." He smiled. "But you are not in this alone, and should not be."

I should feel warm and happy at his words, Lupin thought, but I cannot. She managed a smile. "Thank you, Albus. I know." Then she said good-bye quickly, and pulled her head back out of the fire before he could say anything more. It would only make her feel even worse, and he had other problems to deal with. Such as finding another Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, for one, she thought.

She stood for a long time, staring at the back of the fireplace, until she felt a weight fall from her arm and heard a plop against the hearth. She looked down. There was her Honeydukes bag, a spot of bright color against the grey stone. Just the sight of it made her sick to her stomach, and she walked to the kitchen to throw it away. Baron's hands had been in there; she didn't want any of it now.

The wards! She knew they still held, but she went outside anyway and walked the perimeter of her small yard, then probed the walls of the house, the roof, the foundation. All was secure; no one was getting in without her permission. Still, she didn't feel quite safe until she was back inside, and had closed the door and locked it behind her.

She leaned back against the door. Tea. A cup of tea, that would help. She went into the kitchen, filled the kettle and tapped it with her wand until it was boiling, then poured it into a cup and set the tea leaves steeping.

She carried her cup into the sitting room and sat down on the sofa. She felt completely numb. Well, she told herself, I'm no worse off than I was a week ago, before Albus offered me the position, and I was perfectly happy then. Well, reasonably happy, anyway. I'm still cured, think of that. But those words didn't have the same power they'd had before.

She drank her tea, taking regular sips, more because it was there than from any enjoyment of it. After she tipped the last of it into her mouth, she found herself staring down at the tea leaves left behind. What would Sybil Trelawney make of it? A great mess was all she could see.

My future is in my own hands, she thought, staring down at the cup she held. It is what I make of it. I have obstacles, but so does everyone. And my greatest has been lifted from me, never forget that, even if it has been at a great price. I don't get everything I want, but no one does. Lots of people don't get to teach at Hogwarts. I was lucky. I was able to teach there for one year. I do have so much more.

She set the cup down. What do I have? I have my friends, and I wouldn't trade them for all the teaching positions on this earth. I have Severus, and Albus, and Harry, and Hermione . . . She was able to go on for a long time, listing all the people who were dear to her, and if she had lost a good many of them over the years, there were so many more who were still with her.

I have my home, here. She curled up in the sofa. If everything is old and worn, it's still here. I was born in this house, I will surely die here. And if it's not in the same comforting shape it was when my parents were alive, it's still my home. There wasn't much left in it that wasn't absolutely necessary, or of no value, but those things that were, mostly her books, were things that were unbelievably precious to her. They meant she had starved rather than sell them to buy food over the years. Lose her books, and she wasn't a professor anymore. That meant a lot.

She still felt numb. I suppose I need a good cry, she thought. I'm allowed to cry now. Isn't that one of the advantages of being female, I don't have to bottle things up anymore. But no tears came. Just a great ache along her entire body.

Flames exploded in the fireplace, and she started. Dumbledore, probably, she thought.

But it was not Dumbledore's face that appeared in the flames, it was Snape's.

"Lupin," he said. "I just got through speaking with Albus."

"Ah, then you know." It would get out soon enough, everyone would know. More pity for poor Remus.

"I'm coming over." It was not a request.

She shrugged. "I'm not very good company right now." But he was already stepping out of the flames and shaking embers off his robes. Work robes, with faint stains that their black color did not entirely hide. He carried a hamper with him.

"You were working," Lupin said. "You didn't need to interrupt what you were doing. This isn't an emergency."

"I'm done, for today," Snape said. "I have nothing that can't wait until tomorrow." He headed into the kitchen.

"There's a kettle of water, if you want to fix yourself some tea," Lupin called after him.

Snape "mmm'd" in acknowledgement. She could hear him moving around the kitchen. He returned quickly, but not with tea; instead, he handed her a bottle of butterbeer. "I'd have brought firewhiskey if I thought you'd drink it."

She took the butterbeer and stared at it.

"I have a self-replenishing supply in the hamper," Snape said. "So there is no need to nurse it."

She smiled at him, but still stared at the bottle, not drinking.

She felt his eyes on her, and she looked up, to see him staring. She could make out concern there, and she tried to smile. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this today. It's not as if this is the worst thing that's happened."

He looked at her. Then he set his bottle down, and his body seemed to dissolve and flow like water out of the chair to become the shaggy form of Sev-the-Dog, standing on the floor. He jumped onto the sofa next to her, and reached to touch her head with his cold nose.

She turned to look into his black dog's eyes, inches from hers. It's still him, no matter what his body looks like. For a moment, she saw the man instead of the dog, with his great nose, his hair, his pale lips. No, she thought, I cannot go there, no matter how much I want to. The dog is better, the dog is safe. She pressed her face into his hairy neck, and hugged him, and he rested his head on her shoulder. "Very handy, this shape," she murmured.

After a few minutes, he pulled away. He stood up, and took a few steps to the end of the sofa, where he lay down. He looked up at her. For once, she could read his face, and understood what he was asking. She stretched out on the sofa, and laid her head against his warm side. He curled around her, his head pressing against her.

It's not what I want, she thought, forcing her mind to stay well away from what she DID want. But it's nice. Today, it is what I need. I think it's enough.

TBC