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Darth Vader/Anakin's Journal
Entry 1
A pretty ladi came to de shop. I think da guy is a Jedeye er whatevah. They say tey need perts for ther starr ship so tey kan go to wherevah ther goin.
Entry 2I axed te grl is she was a angelle. She saed, "Hell yes!" and scipped awound de room senging somethin abot bein a angelle. Weerd.
Entry 3De feesh man dat came wit dem messed wit de dwoids. Swigh. Gess I'll hve ta make a fool out off a fool an shouw off my smrtness.
Entry 4Eye invted de peple to my hose for lunkh. De feesh guy got in a wittle trubble wit de feesh salezman. Feesh eatin feesh? Weerd.
Entry 5Eye axed the guy if he waz a Jedeye, an he axed mi how eye new. If de lightzaberr wazn't a dead giveaway.
Entry 6De Jedeye saed hee'd let mi trane to be a Jedeye. Yay!
Entry 7Man, I'm homesik… An I havn't even leeft home yett!
Entry 8Whait, I'm a slave. Hey, whye don't eye smehow get a eyedea that'll free me? I cud entr a pod racing…race…
Entry 9I one de race! Stoopid Jedeye gambeled behind my bak, butt managed to free mi! Well, eye gess betting waz finally uzed four good.
(Ten years later.)
Entry 10I forgot to add that Master Qui-Gon Jinn died in the battle with Darth Maul. But who cares about that? It's Halloween tomorrow! I'm gonna dress up as Obi-Wan's mom and scare the crap outta 'em!
Entry 11Yeah, Obi-Wan had a really scary mom. I mean, his mom WAS Martha Stewart, after all…
Entry 12Master Obi-Wan said it is childish of me to participate in Halloween when I should train to be a Jedi. But he doesn't know that I've been playing Jedi video games for the past five years, now does he? I mean, to defeat a Sith, all he has to do is press Square, Circle, Up, Triangle, Left, X, X, Down, Square! 'Tis just a simple cheat code!
Entry 13Well, on the last minute I've decided to be a King for Hallo's Ween. Might as well work on the 'ol British accent!
Entry 14Sir Obi-Wan talks rubbish about thou's speech. Though Master Yoda seems to enjoy it!
Entry 15I dare say! While Trick-Or-Treating, I saw the lovely Padme dressed as a werewolf. It reminds me of the hunt!
Entry 16Some guy gave me an apple. I wanted candy, not a stinkin' apple! Off with his head!
Entry 17Master Obi-Wan gave me the lecture on chopping peoples' heads off again. What does he know? I mean, he even took away my candy! Wwwaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
Entry 18Master Obi-Wan and thy are in charge of protecting Padme. Yes! Now I get to wear my James Bond outfit!
Entry 19
Master Obi-Wan told me to stop speaking in a British accent. Well, it was fun…to annoy people while it lasted.
Entry 20
While having a boring conversation with Obi-Wan, Padme was in trouble. So naturally, I went storming into her room to kill the bugs on her. I hate bugs… and Bugs Bunny. Stupid rabbit.
Entry 21
Master jumped out of a window! I know he liked to say I'd be the death of him, but I didn't know he MEANT it! Now if only I could find the colour of car I liked to save him in…
Entry 22
Thanks to me, I saved Obi-Wan! Now let's go to Taco Bell!
Entry 23
Master said I should chase that person who tried to kill Padme. Fine, but I won't like it!
Entry 24
Or will I enjoy it? Bwahahahahaha! (First sign of joining the Dark Side)
Entry 25
Now it's MY turn to jump out of something! I got on top of the assassin's ship, and took out my apple from Halloween. Turns out she couldn't stand the apple because she was a doctor in a past life! Too bad for me she nearly killed me by crashing.
Entry 26
Somehow Obi-Wan found me. The Force only knows how…
Entry 27
Of all the places to go, she went into a bar. Obi-Wan says she went in to hide, not to run… Duh. Honestly, I'm not THAT stupid.
Entry 28
Or am I? Bwahahaha…ha..ha? Hey, I'm not stupid!
Entry 29
'Tis my job now to watch over lady Padme at Naboo. But first, let's go to a bar and get drunk!
Entry 30
Arrived at Naboo. Sun set in background equals queen/senator to make out with padawan! Yessssssss!
Entry 31
But what's a relationship without frolicking in fields of pretty flowers? You know, there wasn't a single manly word in that sentence!
Entry 32
Then there's the arguments in a relationship. This is starting to end up like the Gilmore Girls…
Entry 33
Yes, Padme! I want to rule the galaxy! Bwahahahahahahaha!
Entry 34
Geez, Padme. I was only joking. C'mon! It was always my dream to slaughter all the Jedi and bring forth the new Empire! ….. You still like me…right?
Entry 35
Ooh, a romantic dinner. I'll just use the Force to put a piece of fruit in her mouth…
Entry 36
Crap, I missed and it fell down her shirt. And of course, I volunteered to retrieve it…which got me a smack on the face.
Entry 37
Time for the brave confession of love.
Entry 38
Padme says she can't live a lie. I steal pudding from Obi-Wan all the time, so I have no problem with this.
Entry 39
Oh my god! I had a bad dream where the Burger King tortured my mom! I must go to Tatooine!
Entry 40
Stupid Watto sold my mum! Sigh. Guess I'll have to go find her…Sherlock Holmes style!
Entry 41
Padme didn't really like my British accent. But anyway, my mum got kidnapped by Tusken Raiders! Wait, isn't that the name of a football team?
Entry 42
Nnnnnnnnoooooo! Mum is dead! Time for the killing of Tuskens to bring me closer to the Dark Side!
Entry 43
As soon as I got back, I got a message on my cell. Obi-Wan's in Trouble. No, not the board game, but actual trouble!
Entry 44
I tracked to message, and it came from Geonosis. You know what that means? ROAD TRIP!
Entry 45
Padme is listening to chick music while I'm driving. This is gonna be a LONG trip…
Entry 46
Landed in what seems to be a droid army base. I saw ancient writing (graffiti) that said it was the Bat Cave. Oh, another one said, "Boba Fett was here!"
Entry 47
More stupid arguments with Padme. Now it's time to have near-death experiences with the machines that make droids!
Entry 48
Crap, my lightsaber broke. Obi-Wan's gonna kill me. Literally. He's always out to get me. I always find daggers in all of his clothes. Socks, jackets…underwear…
Entry 49
Crud, Padme are I are captured and are being sent to the coliseum. Wait, this is Gladiator all over again!
Entry 50
Oh my gosh! It's the dreaded evil Santa who did this! Curse him!
Entry 51
He must have checked his list twice… No one knows about when I ran naked down the halls of the Jedi Temple!
Entry 52
How'd they know I have a fear of rhinos? Good thing I keep a tranquilizer handy in my pants!
Entry 53
Wha-? How come a lot of Jedis are here? Oh my gosh, they remembered my birthday!
Entry 54
Send in the clones 'cause we're losing!
Entry 55
Wow, um, I didn't know clones of some sort would actually come help us out.
Entry 56
Yoda gave us a ride to the Evil Santa's headquarters. On our way on the ship, a boy ran by us and pointed at Obi-Wan screaming, "Stupid Tooth Fairy! My dad's dead thanks to you! Wwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!" You know, Obi-Wan really DOES look like the Tooth Fairy!
Entry 57
Finally…the final battle between Jedi and evil Santa. Obi-Wan has failed, and now I must be victorious.
Entry 58
Crap. My arm got chopped off. And I lost. Well, at least this won't happen again later in my life!
Entry 59
Many days and a cool robot arm later, Padme and I got married! I wanna Honey Moon to Disney World!
(A couple months later.)
Entry 60
Ooh, an action-packed battle scene! Might as well show off my mad skillz and make Obi-Wan look like an amateur at flying.
Entry 61
Got into the main ship thingy. You know, by now I should know the name for it! But anyway, I had R2 watch over my ship… I don't really think I'll be able to get it back in one piece.
Entry 62
Time to go into the elevator! What? Man, there's no elevator music!
Entry 63
What is this? The elevator stop-ed! Now I shall show how impatient I am and try to get to the next floor by cutting a hole in the top, then fail and come back!
Entry 64
Got off elevator. R2 screamed while rolling (Does he roll?) down the hall. And wouldn't you know, he brought somethin' to kill.
Entry 65
Defeated whatevah was there, blah blah blah. Now we're up against some hacking General… Dude, he needs a cough-drop.
Entry 66
Hacking General escaped… GASPETH! 'Tis the Evil Santa! ATTACK!
Entry 67
Santa almost killed Obi-Wan! DIE, SANTA! DIE!
Entry 68
OFF WITH HIS HEAD…and hands… BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Entry 69
Wait a click, who's drivin' the ship?
Entry 70
I had to land the ship without getting us killed… Obi-Wan wet himself, but he wouldn't admit it. (Smiles)
Entry 71
Look, in the darkness! 'Tis Padme!
Entry 72
What? She's WHAT? Well, I guess now isn't a good time to tell her that I hate kids…
(Five weeks later…)
Entry 73
Palpatine said that I could save Padme from dying in childbirth, which I saw in my dream, if I joined the Dark Side… Well, they DO have cookies, and you DO get to wear a black cape… I'M IN!
Entry 74
Mace Windu's tryin' to kill Palpatine. Hm, kill Mace, or balck cape… BLACK CAPE IT IS!
Entry 75
Need to kill all in the Jedi Temple… I HATE KIDS! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Entry 76
I have to go to the trade federation people or whatever and kill them… WHY CAN'T I EVEN REMEMBER THEIR NAME? WWWWaaaaaahhhhhhh!
Entry 77
Is that a ship? IT MUST BE THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY!
Entry 78
Aw, it isn't. Now I guess I'll just make myself believe that Padme betrayed me and then Force choke her… Sigh.
Entry 79
Wha-? Obi-Wan is here? DIE TOOTH FAIRY, DIE!
Entry 80
Crap, I'm on fire by the lava.
Entry 81
Stupid medical droids are putting cool robot parts on me… Now I shall truly be a Transformer!
Entry 82
Ooh, Palpatine is having a space station built! Maybe I can be a member of the Justice League instead!
(Twenty Years Later…)
Entry 83
Found Rebel princess on some ship… Stupid stormtroopers sang, "I don't know what I've been told, I don't know what I've been told. Darth Vader is getting old, Darth Vader is getting old. I don't know what I've been told, I don't know what I've been told. And I like princess Leia's buns, and I like princess Leia's buns." Although insulting, it's a really catchy song!
Entry 84
Intruders on ship, blah blah. Obi-Wan challenged me, blah blah. Finally killed Tooth Fairy, blah blah. Some kid blew up Death Star, blah blah.
Yep, I guess that covers it all!
Entry 85
Sent probes to different planets in hopes of finding Rebel base. I think they're on Hoth… You know, I've always wanted my own Tauntaun! They're just so…CUTE!
Entry 86
Yep, just as I thought, they're on Hoth.
Entry 87
They got away! Curse you, Rebels! WHY MUST YOU NAME RHYME WITH PEBBLES? WWWaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
Entry 88
A Bounty Hunter I hired (Boba Fett) found out that the Pebbles…I mean Rebels, have gone to Corosaunt. I wonder if the crew'll like my 'ol British accent…
Entry 89
Yes, the Pebbles… I mean Rebels, dang it! The Re-bels… Wait, what was I gonna say? Oh, right. They've finally figured out the Empire has taken over Corosaunt.
Entry 90
That Bounty Hunter needed Han Solo for another bounty, so I decided just to gift-wrap him in carbonite! It'll be the first Han flavored popsicle!
Entry 91
Found Luke. You know, the Emperor's right! He is my son!
Entry 92
Er, I didn't think he'd be so upset that he'd jump off to die… Damn, I really should've given him the bath soaps…
(Later…)
Entry 93
Luke came back, and he accepts that I'm his father. He called me Anakin… Well, at least he didn't call me Ani…
Entry 94
I brought Puke…I mean LUKE to the Emperor. JOIN THE DARK SIDE, LUKE! WE HAVE COOKIES!
Entry 95
Yep, another battle.
Entry 96
Nnnnnooooooo! Puke chopped my robot arm off that I lost in the Clone Wars! I THOUGHT I WOULDN'T LOOSE THAT ONE AGAIN! WWWaaaaaahhhhhh!
Entry 97
The Emperor's frying Puke… I mean, Luke. Hm, save my son, or let him fry… Well, if he fries I'll have to clean up the mess later…
Entry 98
Crap, I'm dying after throwing the Emperor down that shaft! Yes, I was the only one who knew his weakness… He was always afraid of heights…
Entry 99
Luke tried to save me, but I want to see him without this mask. It makes him look like Barney, so that isn't good.
Entry 100
Luke says I'm ugly. Fine then! Don't kiss me goodbye!
Entry 101
Death Star ex-
(Anakin Died)
Entry 102
I'm the Box Ghost… BEWARE!
Entry 103
WHAT? Luke is really Koko, a cheetah? And Padme was a Monopoly board? LEIA WAS A SPONGE CAKE?
Entry 104
You know what's weird? I'm actually not that surprised!
