I'm baack! 'Kay, short chappie, but explanation for that at the bottom.
Title: Secrets in the Dark
Author: DarklilDevil
Pairings: ?! I'm not too sure yet......... ;
Rating: PG13, not for any particular reason..... but I might slip and put bad words....Oh, and there is the fact of attempted suicide......
My Notes:
Well, thought I'd try that to start with, it looked all cute and stuff on other peoples....
Hey, I need to add a disclaimer.... I'll think about it.....
Later that night, I was thinking in bed, unable to sleep,
How was it, that before Majic hated himself for not getting anything right, and now Silver was starting to hate himself for getting things right?
What did I want?
What was it that I wouldn't hate?
Do I want to be average?
Being the middle?
Getting some things right and the rest wrong, not being noticed?
Was I crying for attention, or was I demanding solitude?
I didn't know, but I figured that the idea of being average was about the best thing I'd thought of yet.
Maybe there was a spell I could cast to make everybody forget about my fight, forget me beating their leader, but then that would lead to square one, as small a problem it seemed now, of him bossing me around.
I couldn't take that.
It wasn't Silver's nature.
Majic's, yes, but not Silver's.
I've had it.
I can't do this anymore.
I needed to get away from this damn tower, away from everything that has happened.
Just ... Away.
After a few minutes, I found myself dressed in jeans and a black jumper, holding my grey backpack.
Thinking about what I should put in it, I grabbed each item I saw, either stashing it, or putting it back.
Books? No.
Food? No.
Blankets? No.
There was only one thing I needed to take apart from myself, and that was a knife.
A knife so that whatever decision I came to, I'd be prepared.
I grabbed a cover for the knife that I had made, it was from leather, and tied the knife into my belt.
Dropping the bag, I left my room, trying to make as little noise as possible.
I ran through the shadows, stopping only at the gates.
Funny, last time I was here, I was trying to pass these, but from the other side.
How would I get out?
Smirking, I whispered,
"By tricks of day and shadows of night,
I call upon illusions of light!!"
Even I had to admit it amusing when the guards went running from the wolven pup that wandered over to them.
But I also had to admit that the spell was one of my worse ones, or most embarrassing.
Running out the gates, I headed to the nearby forest, sticking to the night's shadows.
Trees started appearing, suddenly they were everywhere, tearing at me, ripping my clothes, scratching my skin, hurting me.
Hurt me like life tried to.
Hurt me like a human's nature is to do.
Stopping, I slid down against a tree, and stared aimlessly ahead of me, pulling my legs up close and hanging my arms loosely over them.
Now that I was out of that place, for some reason, the tightness inside my chest seemed to double.
All the petty worries were now........ Gone, but they were replaced with fear.
A fear that I couldn't understand, a fear of life, of living, of being human, of being me.
Then those voices returned.
From the deep silence of night, two low voices penetrated the shield, both trying to be quiet, and both from the same room.
One man was spread out on the bed, a pout visible on his face, surrounded by locks of his red hair, now a dark blood red in the lack of light.
The other man was standing by the window, his green hood down, revealing his emotionless face, but his traditional style of green hair covering one of his eyes, the other shining brightly.
The red head moved, locks of blood hair falling into his eyes, only to be flicked away by an annoyed Hartia, reminding himself to see what a hair-tie would do for him.
"Lai.... what am I meant to do?"
There was a silence, and then Hartia groaned.
"It may not be my problem, but Silver...... I know he's Majic, and I know he's hurting, somewhere, but I don't know why. Fine, if he was just using a different name, it's understood, being Orphen's apprentice wouldn't get him far here, but it's not that. He's... a completely different person. And it's scaring me. Also, he beat Vectrum, who's going to want revenge, and he's got the girls after him. What the hell is he meant to do?"
"He will figure it out in due time."
"But he won't, he doesn't care. He's just going to let things stir over, until it all explodes."
"His problems are his problems; you need only to think of our own."
"Urghhh. I'm tired of all this. My brain.... My head feels like I'm on a roller-coaster, but I'm stuck at the second just before you fall, when your guts are wrenching in anticipation."
"Sleep, get your rest, you need it. Find me in the morn, or when you wake."
Lai then left the room, leaving Hartia to his thoughts and feelings, as he drifted into a restless slumber.
-- What the hell are you trying to pull? You're not fooling anyone! I thought you were going to be different from them, never let them hurt you. But you are. Look what it's doing to you already!--
//No, Majic. You aren't Silver. You are Majic. You don't cut, but you can have bad days. Nobody said you couldn't.//
--Bad days? He was having a bad life! When he's Silver, he's fine. I say, he's either Silver, or dead.--
//No! If he's Silver, he's only acting.//
--If he's Majic, he's only acting.--
Then who am I if I'm not acting?
Confused, A lonely confused pathetic excuse for a human.
//It may be acting, but it came naturally to him. Silver, he's.... Not right. //
--That was the lamest thing you've said so far. But Silver... He's letting others hurt him again.--
Silence.
--Ha! See? Even you can't argue to that!--
//Yes, Silver is letting others hurt him, but it's because it's Silver, not Majic. //
--Majic let others hurt him as well. Silver can avoid that.--
//How? How can one avoid pain? //
--By hurting himself.--
//You're suggesting he kills himself? //
--No. I'm saying that he should cut. Then, when he gets close to someone, remember that pain. It'll stop him from making relationships with people, relationships that will only hurt him.--
//If he cuts, will you let him stop being Silver? //
--No. I think Silver should still be around. He needs to get used to Silver. He isn't used to being Silver, that's all.--
//So he can keep being Silver for a while, then make up his mind? //
--For now, yes.--
So, the voices had decided to let me sit this one out, basically ordering me to cut myself, and then go back.
Well, that was doable, and I had no argument.
Except for one.
What the hell are those voices?
I grabbed the knife, carefully removing my watch, then slicing.
So if I had to go through with this whole Silver thing, I'd have to sort it all out.
Fine, I could deal with that.
Shifting my position, so that the blood off of my wrists wouldn't fall onto my clothes, but rather the dry dirt, I stared numbly ahead.
Funny, I thought slitting your wrists was supposed to kill you.
Well, after doing it for as long as I have been, there was probably some sort of resistance to it, or something.
I checked my body for something to stop the bleeding with; I didn't want to get caught with this much blood on me going back.
All I had was a clean hanky in my back pocket, long since forgotten, so I slowly ripped it into strips, then when I had a few, I used one to blotch the blood away, folded another to sit on it, and then the last of the fabric was used to bind my makeshift bandage.
Leaning back into the tree, I listened, to the noises of the night.
An owl cooing softly, what sounded like a bat fluttering past, animals and insects going about their lives, catching their prey, and hiding from their stalkers, scuttling around their territories.
Slowly, I felt the calm environment enclose me, and my eyelids started to flutter closed.
No, I couldn't fall asleep out here, that would cause more trouble for Silver if I got caught.
Standing, I shoved the blanket and knife into the blue backpack, and slung it over one shoulder.
Taking a deep breathe, I started back, noticing how the branches of trees seemed to let me go, only a few snagging me, the rest swaying in the slight breeze.
They no longer seemed out to get me.
I don't really remember how I got past the guards again, but what I do remember is that in front of the dorm's, somebody was standing there, staring at the clouded over moon.
I had walked over, hoping not to be seen, but when I got to the door; I turned to look back, wondering who it was.
As though a light spell had been cast, the clouds shifted, letting some of the moons rays shine on the person, revealing the bright purple hair, and even though her back was to me, I could tell it was Erris, with her deep blue eyes, which I had given her.
The clouds moved on, and as the light dimmed again, I went and sat on a boulder near her, waiting for........ I didn't know what, and I still don't.
While I was pondering what I was doing, Erris said quietly, into the wind, which happened to carry her question across to me,
"Who are you?"
I tilted my head, and wondered what she meant.
Erris still hadn't moved from staring at the moon, so I figured she hadn't seen me yet.
"It's Silver."
"Yes, I know that's what you call yourself, but who are you?"
Oh, so she had known it was me.
"I....... I don't know."
It was true, I don't know.
"Well, you're like the moon by name, like the fire by your eyes, but your none of that, are you?"
Her voice was soft, sort of mystic like, and it freaked me out, to the point of saying what I had always detested saying as Majic,
"Huh?"
In one swift movement, Erris had gone from staring at the moon, to sitting beside me, staring at my face intently.
It was bloody freaky.
"Who are you? What's your past?"
"Me, and that's for me to know, and me to tell when I feel the need to. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have one."
Slowly, her intense features smiled, and she laughed lightly.
"Yes, you are exactly what I thought you were."
"And what was that?"
She smirked, and stood up.
"A mystery, wrapped in layers of confusion and lies, trying to forget what lay's behind you."
"Is that so?"
Now she tilted her head,
"Yep. Just like me, but different."
"Just like you?"
"Yep. What do you see me as?"
"Well...."
I thought about this.
When I had first met her, she was some random airhead, but after this......
"Mysterious...., confusing......, you have faces, different faces, like moods, but they change who you are."
Now, even to me that didn't make much sense, but apparently to her it did.
"Yep, that's me as well. And you, you've been sarcastic, quiet, seemingly shy, strong, weak, but not embarrassed yet."
And that had what to do with the price of a pendant in Totokonta?
"We're alike, but different."
Yes, very different, as I wasn't acting like a werewolf, staring at the damn moon, barely moving, but aware of everything like she was.
However, I didn't say this, liking the silence, the calming effect night had on me.
"Different. Different, because we both want to forget our pasts, but I don't mind sharing it with you."
Her past?
She seemed to think, as though gathering thoughts, and then moved to sit down on the ground, far enough away that I could figure out that she was wearing different clothes to what the tower assigned, such as I was.
"I'm a... well, a cutter, and also a lot of others."
Huh? Cutter, yeah, she liked to cut herself, but what?
She seemingly saw my expression, and explained,
"I commit suicide as a hobby. Obviously, I'm not that good at it, but it's ruined my life."
"How?"
"Well, when I was six, I started. My parents were both taken in a fire, and I was left with my uncle. I didn't like him, that drunken bastard, always trying to feel me up, and one day.... he went too far. So I grabbed a knife, headed into the woods. After a few hours, I found the main road. Slitting my wrists, I lay down, waiting for the darkness to take me to my parents."
I could understand completely how she felt, and even though she hadn't explained completely what her uncle had done, I had a fair idea. I nearly spat. Filthy bastard.
"Instead of darkness, though, a horse and rider showed up. This tall guy got down. By then, I had a fear of all males, I was shivering so badly that my teeth were chattering, and it must have been raining at one point, but I can't remember it, because I was soaked through."
Erris turned to the moon again, and this time, I could see the unshed tears in her eyes.
"The guy picked me up; asked if I was alright; saw the blood, then the knife..... He undressed me, wrapped me in blankets, saying I could die from being that cold with that little blood. After dressing my wounds, he sat me in front of him onto he horse, and galloped to town. It would have gone faster, if I hadn't been using the last of my strength to stop him from undressing me."
She swallowed, and a single tear rolled down her cheek.
I didn't say anything, I felt no need to. It felt more like a book, with me only watching, not participating,.
"We got to a town, and some ladies took me, warmed me up, dressed me, but they said something about me before they dressed me. I can still remember wondering what my virginity was, and when had I lost it. And then when I asked them, two of them collapsed into tears, while the third told me not to worry, then went to get the man. Me being me, I screamed when he entered the room, topless, hair wet."
Another tear fell.
"After quieting me down, he explained that he wasn't going to harm me in any way. He claimed not to be that sick, and said that whatever asshole had harmed me like that deserved to pay. I was so happy, I just hugged him. I guess when I froze, and he saw the look of horror on my face, he left. A lady came to see me the next day; I was still in bed, wherever that was. She asked what had happened to me. I told her I couldn't remember anything, apart from running away, slitting my wrists, and then being found by that guy. She told me she was a mind doctor, and asked me many hard questions, some I didn't understand. She asked me if my uncle had touched me before."
A tear fell, followed by another, and then a sniff. Erris turned to face me, seemingly out of the depressed trance she had been in.
"To cut that short, she worked out my uncle had raped me, told the guy, he recruited me for here. I still can't figure out who he was. All I remember was dark clothes, the pendant, his soft but loud voice, and red bandanna like thingy tied around his forehead."
Ho. Ly. Shit.
Unless there was another guy out there, she was talking about Orphen.
"How... How old was this guy?"
"Um.... About our age, or rather, a bit younger. About thirteen. It was only about six years ago."
"I thought you went to your uncles when you were six."
"I left when I was seven."
Ah. So it was possible that it was Orphen. Shit.
"But, when I got here, there was..... people, who I didn't like. Namely, any males."
Erris looked me right in the eyes, hers shining with fresh tears.
"I used to scream when a male was within three metres of me. It caused a lot of trouble. I was sent to a psychiatrist, who was a male. They made me share a dorm with guys, believing that'd sort me out. It didn't. I grabbed a kitchen knife. Slit myself again, not long after we went to bed, so I had all night to die. Sadly, a boy in my room needed a drink in the middle of the night, saw the blood, screamed. All the teachers were there, someone healed me, and then I remember nothing, apart from the journey there. They sent me to a clinic. Basically, it was where they sent hopeless cases like me. I roomed with a guy, but they got sick of me, and put me in a new room. This one had a girl, but I don't remember her much. After half a year, I was allowed out. In that time, I had become accustomed to males, but when one touched me, I lost it. They put it down to trust, and blamed me, not my uncle. Over the years, I've become used to guys, I mean, if someone started to feel me up, I'd kill them, but you get what I mean."
I was going to ask if that was her story, but I had a feeling it wasn't.
I was right.
"Over what? Six years, or seven now, who knows, I've spent roughly four years in there. I don't want to go back. Every time I do, I've been with this one girl. But I won't any more. She claimed that snakes were strangling her, and one night... she lost it. She cut off her long hair, made it into a rope, stood on a chair in the middle of the room, tied herself up, and kicked the chair over. I wasn't there, it happened three days after I last got out.... but.... I'll miss her. I've seen more of her, than I have my friends, or my room."
I could understand that.
By now, I realised that tears were flowing down Erris' face.
Without thinking, I raised my hand, slowly wiping them away.
"Well, next time, which I hope there won't be, don't let them send you back."
"It's not as easy as that. They find out, and then sedate you. You know what's happening, but can't stop it."
"Well, if they try to take you, get me. I'll stop them. You may seem screwed up to them, but you make perfect sense to me."
She nodded, and took a deep breathe.
"So, what's your story?"
"There isn't one. Well, not mine."
She smiled gently at me.
"You don't wanna tell me, fine, But don't lie."
We stood in silence, before she gasped, and grabbed my hand.
"You... didn't?
I'll be the first to admit I was confused.
Wait, if I look at what she's staring at, that might work. So I look, and see she's staring at my hand, where my makeshift bandage is.
"Oh.... yeah, I did."
"But, doesn't it hurt you?"
"No. I'm... used to it."
Why the hell was I telling her so much? This was wrong... I was beginning to rely on her. Not good.
Grabbing my hand back, I turned, and sprinted back to my room, not caring who heard me.
First, sorry I didn't answer your reviews last time, I kinda… ah… forgot. Yes, this pathetic authoress forgot. Get over it.
Um, for whatever I haven't replied to, it should be here… If not, blame me entirely.
Angel K.D.
Whoo0o0o0o0o…. alone in the woods….. lol
I'm writing… slowly…. As a terrible curse has befallen me. It's called writers block. Evil, huh?
You're another one who unintentionally cursed me…. 'Yeah...anyway, keep working at it and I wish no writing problems to befall you.' Ring any bells? It should. Oh well, you're forgiven if you forgive me for taking ages with this, since I'm… well, cursed ;
Oh, and shame. But year 11 can't be that bad…. Can it?
Danyella Skyler Silverfire
I would like to thank you for being my beta reader, and putting up with me. I must hit my brother, he's the one who told me I'd get writer's block soon… and lookie lookie, I did. Yea. How wonderful. But thank you for all your time, I really do appreciate it.
SapphireDragon
Well, I ain't so nice since I forgot to reply… bummer.
Yep, I decided that if his life is gunna be shit, curtesy of me, he can be good in class! Don't ask me how that works, because I said it does.
Um, what's he gunna do? scratches head I dunno. I really don't know.
Well, Vectrum could be prey to later musings… Stop giving me bad idea's! I was told not to be evil to my fics! … Don't ask… mumbles it's her idea, yet SHE doesn't care about her fics… they go through hell…
Don't worry about your lengths, I appreciate that you deemed me worthy of your time!
Well, I think that's it…. shrugs
If not, REVIEW me to tell me so!
Yes, I'm pathetic. I'm allowed.
Oh, and don't blame me for bringing in the whole rape-pity thing? I just had an idea, and this sorta works for it… If you see it the way I do…
Oh well, See Ya!
Devil
