ACT 8: Something Wicked this Way Comes
SCENE One:
House is in his office. There are now some potted plants placed neatly around the office, and softer lighting. House is chomping on a chocolate bar. Dr. Wilson comes in.
WILSON: House, (sees House) oh, you already have a snack. I was going to ask if you wanted to get something to eat.
HOUSE: Are you saying I eat too much (looks kinda hurt)
WILSON: Huh? No. I just know that we usually get a snack around now. Talk, eat, avoid Cuddy.
HOUSE: That's not really nice. Dr. Cuddy is just trying to do her job. Why are we so mean to her?
WILSON: It's not my idea. House, what's gotten into you? You have been acting weird all day?
HOUSE: (snaps back) What's that supposed to mean?
WILSON: (kinda frightened) Um. Nothing, House. Why don't I just leave you to whatever it was you were doing.
HOUSE: Fine, leave! Everyone always leaves (starts to sob)
WILSON: (looks horrified and confused) Do you want to talk about it?
HOUSE: (between sobs) No. (sob) Yes (Sob) No. (wipes nose on sleeve) I just need some time alone.
Wilson practically runs out the door. House puts his head on the desk, crying openly.
SCENE TWO:
Dr. Cameron is talking to a nurse at the nurses station. She's leaning on the desk, looks like she's chatting the nurse up. House walks up. His eyes are still red and he is keeping his head down to avoid anyone noticing.
HOUSE: Dr. Cameron, we have to talk.
CAMERON: Can't it wait. I was just about to get this lovely nurses number. (the nurse looks at House pleading, like get this chick away from me.)
HOUSE: Please, it's kind of important.
CAMERON: Oh, all right. (sounds huffy.)
HOUSE: (leads Cameron into an empty room and closes the door) I think we have a little problem.
CAMERON: Yeah, lets overlook the big problem of no longer being in our own bodies and focus on a nice little problem.
HOUSE: This has to do with the big problem.
CAMERON: And what might it be?
HOUSE: Well, I forgot to tell you something.
CAMERON: (looks at him expectantly)
HOUSE: It's, well, it's…(takes deep breath then blurts out) My aunt Flow is coming to visit.
CAMERON: (looks dumbfounded) WHAT?
HOUSE: You know. (looks at her like he's trying to sent the info using his mind.) It's that time.
CAMERON: Are you talking about your menstruation?
HOUSE: (relieved that she finally got it) Yes.
CAMERON: You are a doctor and you still use the Aunt Flow line?
HOUSE: I don't usually talk about these things with a man.
CAMERON: I thought you were the man now.
HOUSE: You know what I mean.
CAMERON: Well, congratulations, I guess you're not pregnant.
HOUSE: I think you mean YOUR not pregnant. See, I may be getting the emotional and mental symptoms, but you have my body, so you will be getting the physical symptoms.
CAMERON: (looks horrified) I'm getting my period!
HOUSE: Yeah, and there are some things you should know.
CAMERON: Oh, this aught to be interesting.
HOUSE: First, you are going to bloat until it looks like you swallowed a whole watermelon. In my closet are a collection of loose fitting dresses that are ideal for this time of the month. Also, don't overeat. You might start to crave McDonalds fries and lots of potato chips and things, but don't eat them. It will only make things worse. My, uh, feminine supplies are in the top drawer of my desk, way in the back, in the little Winnie the Pooh purse. The directions are on the box.
CAMERON: (makes face like Ewe)
HOUSE: Try to lay on your stomach at night. It feels better, and helps prevent leakage.
CAMERON: (makes bigger ewe face)
HOUSE: I have a heat pad in the medicine cabinet. Put it on your stomach and it will help with the pain.
CAMERON: Pain? I have something for pain. (reaches in pocket, but realizes she isn't in her right clothes. Holds out hand) Give me my Vicodin.
HOUSE: (reaches in pocket and pulls out piles.) I don't think that's such a good idea. What if I need them for the leg?
CAMERON: You are House. You can get another prescription filled. Just ask Wilson. It's gonna look pretty funny if I go ask him for some, don't you think?
HOUSE: I don't know if they will work on you, or me, or whatever.
CAMERON: I don't care, (grabs them from his hand) I need them.
