Dante's Inferno listed seven levels of Hell. Calvin's were as follows: Waking up early on a Saturday, sitting in the car for 2½ listening Dad rattle on about something, riding the canoe, unpacking everything, setting up the tents, failing to make a campfire and then eating dry spam because of it.
Yes, that's right. Calvin's family was going camping…again.
Dad was driving and having a wonderful time, humming a little tune. Mom was next to him, stewing in her own anger. Calvin and Hobbes were in the back, grumbling to themselves about everything.
"Great day for a camping trip, right, everyone?" Dad said.
No one said a word.
"Yessiree, families should do stuff together."
"Good idea," Calvin said. "Let's all get carsick."
"Now, now," Dad said, waving his finger. "Times like this not only build character, they also make us come to realizations."
"You mean like how we can't stand to be cooped up together on a rock in a lake together for a week?" Calvin asked.
"Exactly!" Mom said.
"We're going to have lots of fun," Dad said. "Just like we always do."
"Since when do we have fun?" Calvin asked. "Even you can't stand what you love. Why can't we ever be a normal family and spend summer vacation in a four-star motel with color cable and hot and cold running room service?"
"Yeah, why not?" Mom groaned.
"Let's not start that again," Dad snapped. "We are going to have fun, and that's final!"
"I think he's threatening us," Hobbes whispered to Calvin.
"Just perfect," Calvin snorted. "Another trip to the Island of No Reruns. I can't believe Dad wouldn't let me pack the TV. We probably do have 250 of extension cord."
"He's just a fanatic," Hobbes said. "You know; one of those guys who enjoys to get wet when it rains, freeze at night and get covered in poison ivy."
"Let's not forget his horrible paintings of islands. He's really giving his harmonica skills a run for the running."
"It's going to be fun camping," they heard Dad saying. "You know, I have a feeling nothing's going to spoil this camping trip."
Suddenly, there was a loud BUMP as the car jolted sideways.
"What was that?" Mom gasped.
"Let us congratulate Dad," Calvin said. "He's the first man in our family to run over a cow."
"Okay, nothing else can go wrong now," Dad said.
Soon they noticed the car was soon shaking again. Mom looked into the back to find Calvin was boinging in his seat.
"Are you bored, Calvin?" she asked.
"You'll find out how bored I am if I don't get to a restroom soon," Calvin groaned.
"Just hold it till we get there," Dad said. "Just think of something else."
"All I can think of is the Great Flood of '42."
"Oooh, now I have to go," Mom sighed.
So they pulled over at the gas station. Calvin and Mom hurried into the building.
Dad sighed. "Next year, I'll just go by myself."
After Calvin and Mom were done with business and they were on the road again. They arrived at the place to get the canoe.
"Let's get out, get some fresh air and stretch our legs," Dad said.
Mom got out, but Calvin stayed put with his stuffed tiger.
"Come on, Calvin," Dad said impatiently.
"Leave the keys so we can listen to the radio," Calvin said.
"Come on, Calvin," Dad said again. "We need to get out there. It's probably really crowded out there."
"Dad, our car is the only car in the parking lot."
"Well, okay, this was reserved weeks ago, but doggonit, we're gonna have fun. Now get out."
Calvin grabbed Hobbes and slowly got out.
Soon, they were in their canoe. Mom and Dad paddled at either end while Calvin and Hobbes sat in the middle.
"What say we not have a redo of last year's camping trip, huh?" Calvin asked.
"It wasn't so bad last year," Dad said.
"We were attacked by a swarm of locusts and nearly drowned in the lake," Mom said.
"Yes, but it built character."
"Who needs your dumb character when we could have television and internet access?" Calvin snorted.
Dad retorted by splashing Calvin with a splash of the paddle. The boy was soaked.
"Can we leave now?"
"But we just got here!" Dad said.
Indeed, they were at the island.
"I'm having flashbacks," Calvin groaned.
"Come on, Calvin," Dad said. He and Mom stepped out of the canoe. "Let us bask in the sun and sleep with nature's creatures."
Calvin turned to Hobbes. "Translation: 'Let's bake out brains and lie on the ground with bugs and snakes."
"I'm staying," Hobbes said firmly.
"We're staying in the canoe," Calvin said.
"Get out," Dad said. He lifted Calvin and his stuffed tiger out.
"If the canoe isn't here in the morning, it means we struck off for shore."
Dad took out the bags. "Survival is my live, Calvin. Watch me set up camp. First we unpack our food." He took the bag with food in it and dumped it's contents on the ground.
"Then we roll out our sleeping bags." He rolled the bags out on the ground.
"Now we build the campfire." He quickly rubbed to sticks together as he prepared the fire. A small fire started.
"And finally, set up the tents." He gave Calvin his own tent pack.
"Now then, what have I forgotten?" he wondered.
Calvin and Mom looked over at the campsite. The fire had gone out, the sleeping bags were in the bushes and, to Calvin, Hobbes was eating the food they had dumped out.
"To notify our next of kin?" Calvin sighed mournfully.
After everything was fixed, Dad faced the family once more. "Well, everyone, here we are, camping. Isn't this perfect?"
"I disagree," Hobbes whispered to Calvin.
"The tent is perfect, the view is perfect…"
"The running distance from the site to the canoe is perfect," Mom muttered.
"Everything is perfect!" Dad said.
"It's not perfect yet," Calvin said.
They suddenly heard a low rumbling sound from above. Everyone looked up and saw that dark clouds loomed overhead. Lightening flashed and thunder rolled. Rain started pour.
"Now it's perfect," Calvin groaned.
Immediately, after giving Dad a nasty look, everyone scrambled for their tents.
"Don't worry, dear," Dad said to Mom. "This rain will end someday. We just gotta keep a sense of humor."
"I'll never be dry again," Mom groaned.
Dad opened up his duffel bag to take out some clean clothes, but something wet and slimy jumped out and smacked him.
"HEY! THERE'S A CARP IN MY BAG! CALVIN!" he hollered.
"Where's your sense of humor?" Mom said teasingly.
As soon as Dad had gotten over his scare, Calvin and Hobbes settled into their tent.
"Man, I can't believe we have to go through with this again," Calvin sighed. "Dad says he's taking me fishing tomorrow."
"I'll be staying here then," Hobbes decided.
"What, and have me suffer alone? You'd be violating GROSS rule number nine hundred and sixty-three: never desert a fellow member."
"Okay, fine, but when we get home, I'm changing it to every man for himself."
"Whatever. Let's just break out the comic books and relax. Keep a sharp eye out for any wild animals. Those guys at the canoe rental place said there could be bears out here."
"Right," Hobbes said.
Calvin was just about to open his bag when Hobbes yelled. "LOOK! A TIGER!"
"WHERE?" Calvin yelled. He leapt up and into the top of the tent, causing it to collapse.
There was a pause before Calvin finally said calmly, "You're just pushing it today, you know that, don't you?"
"What happened out there?" Dad called. He poked his head outside the tent. "Oh, for crying out loud! Calvin, what happened?"
"Hobbes scared me."
"Nice try, Calvin," Dad said. "You're just trying to ruin this trip. The rain is bad enough."
"Just make room," Calvin grunted.
He grabbed onto the tent and carried it along with his stuff in one hand and Hobbes in the other. He left it at the door of the tent and brought everything in.
"Perfect," Dad grunted. "These tents aren't built for three people."
"Fine," Calvin said. "You go out and sleep in the canoe."
"I second that," Mom added sourly.
Dad sighed. "Wait, I just remember that the firewood's getting wet. Calvin, go get it."
"No way," Calvin snorted.
"I SAID, GO GET IT!" Dad hollered, practically turning red.
Calvin grunted. "Okay! Okay!" He went outside.
"You're cruel," Mom snorted, returning to her book.
Calvin returned with a few drenched pieces of wood. "Your firewood, Bwana," Calvin said dryly. Of course, he wasn't very dry.
"Oops," Dad said nervously.
Later, Mom and Dad were sound asleep in the night.
Calvin and Hobbes were stuck awake due to the loud noises outside.
"Ooh, Captain Napalm is heading into the alien cave. That's supposed to be wear the alien bats are! They're supposed to be able to rip the flesh off of your bones."
There were bunches of noises against the tent wall.
Calvin quickly dove behind Hobbes back. "It's the alien bats!" he hissed.
"No, it's just the rain."
"It doesn't sound like rain," Calvin said. "Go check and see if it's bats."
"It's nice to know where I stand here," Hobbes said. He got up and poked his head outside the door. "Okay, it's not raining."
"Alien bats are trying to break in, right?"
"Wrong. It's hailing."
"Are you sure?"
Hobbes reentered and spit out a bunch of stones from his mouth. "Oh, I'm pretty confident."
Calvin sighed. "This camping trip stinks. Nothing cool happens. If only a bunch of alien bats would try to break in."
"You're a whip, all right," Hobbes sighed.
The next morning, Dad was the first to wake up. He poked his head outside.
"Hey!" he said. "It's stopped raining! Come on! Let's go fishing and hiking!" He put on his special hiking hat and stepped outside.
About an hour or so later, Calvin and Hobbes finally awoke. They peeked outside and saw Dad's hat floating in a puddle in front of them.
"I guess this is what happens when you don't have concrete," Hobbes commented.
Calvin pulled on the hat and found Dad was still attached. "Who dug a hole in front of the tent?" he demanded.
"Well, I figured the water needed to drain away somewhere, and I sure as heck wasn't leaving the tent, so—"
"CALVIN!"
Calvin thought it would be best to stay inside for a while, not to mention stay on the other side of the tent.
"This is nuts," he sighed to Hobbes. "It's only been one day, and already I feel like my ears are gonna pop and my brain will leak out."
"You too?"
"If we don't get to visit with some real humanity, I'm gonna go starkers." He looked up and saw that Hobbes was gone. "Hobbes?"
Hobbes had gotten up and was sitting with some boulders. "So…rock, read any good books lately?"
Calvin sighed. "We need to go home."
That night, Calvin and Hobbes had their tent back up.
"I'm glad we get our own tent up again. Dad's snoring reminded me of trucks downshifting on the highway."
"We need to do something," Hobbes groaned. "I can't live without tuna anymore."
"Don't blame me. I told Dad to pack it, but he decided on dry spam."
"What do we do now?"
"We need to do something about Dad's love of the wilderness. Maybe if we made him hate this place, he'd wanna go home early."
"But how?"
Their thoughts were interrupted by a low growl.
"GRRRRR…"
"What was that?" Hobbes asked nervously.
"I think it was one of those bears we heard about," Calvin whispered.
"You mean there really are bears out here?" Hobbes cried.
"Shhh!" Calvin hissed. "Don't make too much noise, or the bear'll come after us. Quick, start loading everything into the duffel bag. We'll leave the spam here to distract him."
"What, and offend him?"
Calvin quickly loaded his comic books and rolled up the sleeping bags.
"You take the bags and I'll take sleeping bags."
"Right. Of course, you do realize this wouldn't be happening if tigers were the only fierce beasts on the planet."
They slipped out of the tent and towards the canoe. They loaded them up quickly.
"Now I'll take the paddle in back. You take the front," Calvin ordered. "If the bear comes near, we'll paddle for our lives and back to safety."
"Good plan," Hobbes said. Then a look of sheer terror covered his face. "Oh, look over there!"
Calvin gasped. The bear was sneaking into the tent. It was sniffing the spam and growling.
"Do you think we should've warned your parents?" Hobbes asked.
Calvin's eyes went wide as he faced Hobbes. "Why didn't you do it?"
"Well, I was overcome with fear."
Calvin sighed. "Come on."
They quickly got out of the canoe and towards the other tent.
The bear was still growling at the spam, only now it was starting to tear up the tent.
Calvin and Hobbes hurried into the tent.
"I'll load up their stuff," Calvin said. "You try and wake them up."
Hobbes shook Mom and Dad, but it was no good. "Wakey, wakey!" he yelled. "Bear alert!" It wasn't working. "What do we do now?"
Calvin, however, was in his own little world right now. He zipped up the duffel bags and gave them to Hobbes. "Quick, Spaceman Mort," he ordered. "You must get these bags to the ship before the alien gets to the captain and his secretary."
Hobbes stared at Calvin for a minute before he got the point. He took the bags and ran.
"The intrepid Spaceman Spiff must get the sedated captain and secretary off the planet and back to the ship before it is too late." He tried to pull them out, but he soon found that they were too heavy. "Zounds. It appears these two need to lose some weight."
Hobbes reentered the tent. "The bags are all accounted for, Spiff," he said, playing along. "The alien is almost done destroying the housing. We must get out of here before there is a death count."
"Quite right, Mort," Calvin said. "Help me out here. They are very heavy."
Hobbes, being very strong, managed to drag Mom out by her arms. Calvin took her legs.
By now, the bear was about ready to get to the tent. Calvin and Hobbes struggled past. They loaded her into the canoe and ran back to Dad.
"If only I had my levitating ray," Calvin muttered.
They carefully tried to lift him.
"Odd," Hobbes said. "He's lighter than the first one."
"Never mind, Mort," Calvin said. "We need to get out of here."
They hustled out of the tent, only to find the bear was almost a foot and a half away.
"Calvin, we have a serious problem here," Hobbes groaned.
"Continue onto the ship, Mort," Calvin said. "Just concentrate on our goal."
Hobbes rolled his eyes as he directed Dad towards the canoe. "If we survive this, I'm taking his imagination out of his brain."
They had to quicken the pace. They simply tossed Dad into the canoe and jumped in.
The bear was closing in.
"Spiff prepares his death ray blaster," Calvin said. He picked up a paddle. "There is a long blast of gold crimson! KERPOW!" He whacked the bear over the head with it. The bear recoiled slightly.
Hobbes then whacked Calvin with his own paddle.
"Hey!" Calvin cried, rubbing his head. "What'd you do that for?"
"Welcome back. Now let's paddle."
Calvin shrugged and dug his paddle into the beach, pushing them away from the rock.
Calvin and Hobbes paddled all night.
Dad rubbed his head and woke up. "What are we doing out here?" he groaned. He got up and looked around. "CALVIN!" he yelled angrily.
Calvin quickly armed himself with his paddle. "Dad, I have a weapon!"
"Don't try to talk yourself out of this one, young man. You are in major trouble now."
"But Dad, there was a bear! We had to get away! You would've been toast!"
"Yeah, funny," Dad snorted. "We're going back." He snatched the paddle from Calvin and prepared to paddle, but another paddle instantly creamed him. He collapsed in the canoe.
"Nice swinging, Mom," Calvin grinned.
"No problem, sweetie," Mom said. "I don't care if there was a bear or not. We're going home either way."
She and Calvin paddled the whole way back.
You can bet they wouldn't be going camping for the rest of the summer!
