"Attention! Attention!" shouted Dictator-for-Life Calvin. "This meeting of the top-secret Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will now come to order, Dictator-for-Live Calvin presiding!"
"Hear, hear," said President and First Tiger Hobbes.
"First up on the schedule for today, First Tiger Hobbes will give us an attendance report."
"All present and accounted for, sir," Hobbes said, saluting.
"Excellent! Now Secretary Hobbes shall review the minutes."
Hobbes checked his watch. "It is ten thirty-five," he said.
"No, I meant the minutes of the last meeting."
"Oh." Hobbes pulled out a notepad with the minutes. "10:00—Meeting called to order. 10:01—Review of previous minutes. 10:02—Dictator-for-Life makes motion to build a brick wall around the enemy. 10:03—President and First Tiger gives a reasonable, different plan. Motion is met with much hostility from Dictator-for-Life. 10:05—President and First Tiger makes another motion to demote Dictator-for-Life to Doofus-for-Life. 10:07—Game of chicken at the river. 11:49—Towels administered. Medals awarded to all parties. Meeting adjourned."
"Very good," Calvin grinned. "Now we must discuss all probability of building a refrigerator up here so that we won't have to leave in the middle of meetings to get the jell-o refreshments."
"The tree house wouldn't withstand the weight," Hobbes said.
"Well, now that that's over with, let's discuss an important matter: Captain Maim is going to be drawn by a new artist. I found this out by purchasing the new issue. It was hard to believe that this was the last one. I had to battle six other kids for it. I triumphed, but the prize was useless."
Hobbes gasped. "How bad is it?" he asked.
"See for yourself. I brought it here for your opinion."
Hobbes took the comic book in Calvin's hand. He opened it and gasped. "AAIIIEEE!" he shrieked. "HIS MUSCLES AREN'T SHADED! HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS LITTLE HAT WITH THE WINGS! HE'S RUINED!"
"See what I mean?" Calvin sighed. "Action must be taken."
"But wait, maybe there's still hope." He flipped through the pages. "AH-HA! Amazon Girl still looks foxy! I say this isn't half bad."
Calvin snatched it away from him. "Snap out of it before demerits are administered. Now then, we suggest we make a petition with fellow Captain Maim fans and send it to the editor."
"Man, everyone is making a petition," Hobbes sighed. "Oh well, I'm in."
"Excellent. It will be administered first thing tomorrow."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. Now it is time to make our plans for what we hope will go down in GROSS history."
"What is this plan you have in mind?" Hobbes asked, taking out his notepad to record the minutes.
"That we achieve our ultimate goal: soak every girl on the block."
"What for?"
Calvin stared at him as if he was talking to a small child. "Because it's our job."
"We're gonna need a lot of water balloons," Hobbes sighed. He read aloud what he wrote. "'Dictator-for-Life Calvin suggests our toughest mission ever: drenching of all females in the vicinity. Will we succeed? Of course not, but let's try it anyway.'"
Calvin grabbed the notepad and hurled it onto the roof of the house. "Quit rocking the boat. Let's get started on balloon filling. Bring the hose up here."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. Bring up the hose. We'll fill the balloons from here so that no one can catch us in the act."
Hobbes sighed, saluted and slid down the rope ladder to the hose. "One of these days, his little plans will blow up in face worse than usual."
Hobbes put some extensions on the faucet until there were enough for the hose to reach the tree house. He carried it up the rope ladder again and into the old crate that they called a tree house.
Calvin was already unloading their water balloons. "Good work. Now we can fill up the balloons. This was such a smart idea."
Hobbes stuck the hose into the balloon.
They waited about a minute.
"How do we turn on the hose?" Hobbes finally asked.
Calvin snorted and picked up a rock, putting in his slingshot. He took aim and let go, sending the rock into the nozzle on the hose. The nozzle was pushed around, so the water flowed up the hose and into the balloon.
"Nicely done," Hobbes said.
"Thank you."
"Now we need one more rock to turn it off."
Calvin looked around and found there were none in sight.
"Uh oh."
Calvin and Hobbes looked at the water balloon in Hobbes' paw. It was starting to grow slowly until it was as big as the tree house.
"Maybe we should jump," Hobbes suggested.
They didn't have time.
KAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
The tree house literally exploded from the force of the blast. Water flew everywhere. Calvin and Hobbes were hurled to the ground, landing in the squishy mud. They were soaked and splashed.
"Bombs away," Calvin moaned.
They sat up and saw the water turn off from the hose at their feet.
Calvin looked past his stuffed tiger and saw a steaming Mom glaring at him.
Calvin looked at the mess. Water and mud had piled all around them. Bits of wood were everywhere. The rosebushes were mangled. Leaves were scattered. It was raining little balloons everywhere. Calvin looked up at her with a nervous smile.
"Hi, Mom. We just thought we would water the lawn for you for free. We also thought the tree house was obstructing your view of the bird's nest, so we…" He noticed he wasn't scoring any points here. "Oh yeah, we forgot to yell 'surprise'. We were gonna have confetti fall when you saw it, but we couldn't find any, so we used balloons! Heh…"
He was in the bathtub about fifteen minutes later.
The next day after school, Calvin was grounded and in his room. Just to add more injury to injury, Rosalyn was to stay while his parents were at dinner and a movie.
"This stinks like a pile of socks," Calvin snorted.
"It's your fault."
"Hey, it was your idea to put the hose in the tree house. Now we have no GROSS Headquarters."
"My fault? It was your idea. It's your fault GROSS is out of buisness!"
"We'll find a substitute. However, that's not important. We need to fulfill our mission to soak every female on the street. I've made a list of all of them."
He handed Hobbes a clipboard that had a list of girls and women on it.
"Susie, Candace, Mary, Mrs. Derkins, Ms. Wilson, Robin, Mrs. Rosemary…," Hobbes read. "Wow, as if we weren't grounded enough."
"It'll be worth it. We're going to make the officers proud."
"We are the officers."
"Exactly. Now let's hightail it!"
Calvin ran for the door, but Hobbes grabbed him by the collar.
"And we plan on getting past Rosalyn how?" he asked with curiosity in his voice.
"Oh, right. Listen, you take these balloons to the bathroom and fill them up with the sink. I'll prepare Rosalyn for some fun."
Hobbes sighed. He took the bag of little balloons and took them to the bathroom as quietly as he could.
Calvin started to narrate to himself. "With his sidekick, Tiger Lad, off to prepare the weapons, Mild-Mannered Calvin leaps into his closet to become…" He paused to duck into his closet. There was much banging around be fore he finally hopped out, donning his red mask and cape! "…Stupendous Man! Da, da, da, da, du, dummmmm!"
He slid carefully out the door and down the stairs, where Rosalyn was on the phone with her boyfriend, Charlie.
"With Stupendous speed, Stupendous Man soars around the clouds and towards Babysitter Girl's secret lair that isn't secret anymore. Best be leading her into my ploy."
Rosalyn, unaware of Calvin's presence, continued to chatter on the phone. "Yeah, apparently he blew up his tree house and flooded the backyard… I don't know how, but with that little freak, you can never really tell… Yeah, okay, I'll call back later."
The second the phone was back on the cradle, something small and red crashed onto her head.
"Babysitter Girl, I'm taking you out!" Calvin shouted.
Rosalyn groaned. "Not again!" she wailed.
Calvin grabbed her leg and bent it towards her head.
"Get off of me, you little twerp!" she shouted. "You're supposed to be in your room! You're grounded!"
"Four and three forth walls will not hold Stupendous Man!" Calvin said. "Now quit thrashing so that I may defeat you."
Rosalyn shook her leg and flung Calvin up into the couch, ricocheted off the recliner and flew out the door onto the front lawn.
"Ow!" he cried.
"Now you're in for it!" Rosalyn shouted.
She didn't know, however, that Calvin had thought ahead. During the night, he had set a trap once he heard that Rosalyn was coming to stay. A bag suddenly was triggered, swallowing Rosalyn up and into it. She had no room to struggle, so she was trapped.
"CALVIN!" she hollered.
Calvin smiled confidently. "Tiger Lad! Release the bomb."
From above, Hobbes peered down at Rosalyn, unsure if he should do this or not. He didn't matter, because the balloon in his hands slid out and exploded all over Rosalyn's only visible part: her head.
"You're digging your own grave, buster," she growled at Calvin, trying to figure out where the balloon had come from.
Hobbes landed into Calvin's arms. "Well done, Tiger Lad," he said heroically. "Now let's drench her female minions."
They were about to leave, but Calvin suddenly had a thought. He ran into the backyard, got the hose and stuck into Rosalyn's babbling mouth. Then he turned it on. Rosalyn was instantly being filled with water.
"That'll teach you to mess with Stupendous Man," he grinned. "Come, Tiger Lad."
And they left Rosalyn behind, who was sputtering with a hose stuck in her mouth. Calvin, however, had forgotten that water was dampening the bag she was in…
Now out his disguise, Calvin led the way two doors down to the Derkins residence. Susie was on the sidewalk, playing tea party with her dolls.
"Target number one," Calvin whispered. "Hobbes, prepare the…" He noticed Hobbes wasn't in the bush with him. "Get over here, you mangy fur ball."
"You want me to go faster? How's about you pull the water balloons."
Hobbes was pulling the wagon, which was filled up and over the brim with a pyramid of water balloons.
"Sissy," Calvin snorted. "Just bring them over here. The target has been sighted."
"Ah yes, we're bombing Little Miss Tattletale?"
"Don't worry. By the time she and her mom are soaked, we'll be long gone. Okay, you take one and go to the roof. When she comes out, soak her mom."
"Whatever," Hobbes sighed, knowing this was the worst idea Calvin had ever had. He took a water balloon and towards the roof from the back.
Calvin waited and watched as Hobbes scrambled up behind the chimney and waved to him with a thumb up.
Calvin waited a minute before he prepared. He lined up perfectly. Then he slowly edged his mobile shrubbery towards Susie, dropping every time she looked behind her. She continued to shrug it off as he slunk closer.
Susie finally grew suspicious of the bush. It was mainly because it was now right beside her. She looked at the base of it.
"Why does a bush wear little read sneakers?" she asked aloud.
Calvin couldn't bear it. He popped out from the top and hurled the balloon at her. She was instantly soaked.
"Hey!" she yelled. "I'm telling! MOM!"
By now, Calvin had already grabbed onto the wagon handle and was carting away past her.
Mrs. Derkins burst out the door. "What happened?" she called to her daughter.
SPLOOSH! She was instantly soaked on the back of the head.
"That," Susie replied.
Mrs. Derkins whirled around to see who had thrown it, but she didn't see anyone.
Hobbes had taken advantage of the distraction and had already jumped off the roof. He dashed over the fence and after Calvin.
"Success!" Calvin cried. "And there's target number three over there. Fire!"
Hobbes grabbed a balloon and hurled a balloon at Ms. Wilson, who had bent over to water her flower garden. The balloon came in contact with her giant butt, causing her to loose balance and fall face first into her daisies.
"Good throw!" Calvin called. "Get ready for some more!"
Hobbes felt so proud that he forgot to be worried about trouble and was soon enjoying himself.
They splashed Candace from a tree.
They splooshed Mrs. Robinson from the birdbath.
They soaked Mary from a lawn flamingo.
They got Robin from a bird's nest.
Soon, they were hurling balloons at each female they could find. They were winning!
While all this was going on, Rosalyn was still taking on water. She was feeling very uncomfortable in her position.
Finally, the water splashing the net caused it to weaken and rip apart, freeing her. She quickly yanked the hose from her mouth.
"Calvin, wherever you are, get back here!" she yelled.
She attempted to run, but with a stomach full of water, it was highly uncomfortable.
"His parents are gonna pay extra for this," she grumbled.
She struggled with herself until she got herself in motion.
Calvin and Hobbes were currently down to four water balloons, but they had achieved their goal.
"I'd say we did all right, Hobbes," Calvin said. "Now let's head home. I wonder if Rosalyn has exploded by now."
"Don't bet on it," a familiar voice said.
Calvin looked up at his stuffed tiger, and then up at a rather waterlogged Rosalyn.
"Eeek! Rosalyn!" he cried. He quickly regained his composure and tried to look shocked. "What on earth happened to you?"
"Don't try it, kid," she said. "I know that you pulled off that Stupidness Man nonsense again, but it failed once again."
"Stupendous Man?" Calvin asked, his eyes growing wide. "You must have done an injustice! That's the only reason he would attack! Maybe you—"
"Don't give me that!" she yelled. "I know all about your 'secret identity' and that you're 'Stupendous Man'. I know all about it." She was really just trying to get some cooperation.
Calvin gasped in horror. "You may have figured out my secret identity, but even without my outfit, I'm still Stupendous." He reached behind him and grabbed a water balloon. He threw it at her, soaking her.
"Jump in!" Calvin yelled. He grabbed his stuffed tiger and they landed in the wagon, rolling off down the hill and into the woods.
"I told you this was a bad idea!" Hobbes yelled, the joy going away.
"Don't worry! The Stupendous Mobile hasn't failed us yet!"
"What are you talking about? It fails us each time we ride it!"
Calvin yanked at the handle, but, as you may have guessed, it all went downhill the minute they went down the hill. Calvin made a wrong turn. The wagon flew off a cliff, and they landed in the river with a KERSPLOOSH!
"Same ol', same ol'," Hobbes sighed.
"Now who's soaked?" a voice yelled.
Calvin and Hobbes looked up and saw Susie, Candace and Rosalyn looking down at them, laughing their heads off.
"Laugh all you want!" Calvin shouted. "We achieved our goal to soak each girl on the block, and we did!"
"No you didn't," Susie yelled. "You didn't get your own mother wet."
Calvin looked at Hobbes. Hobbes just sat there as his usually did as a stuffed tiger.
"We'll take care of that," he said.
Rosalyn's laughter faded and she looked very uncomfortable.
"What's wrong?" Candace asked.
"I need to go to the bathroom," she replied. She scurried back up the hill.
Later that night, Calvin's grounding was extended to two weeks. It was for making the entire neighborhood get soaked in water, and for giving Mom a shower with the hose when they got home.
Calvin went to his room with a smile on his face, though. He and Hobbes had made GROSS history, all right.
"A good mission always ends with us getting in trouble for following our chapter," he says.
