Summer vacation is supposed to be fun, right? Fun should be fun, right? That's what Calvin and Hobbes have always thought, and, for the most part, they are always right. Summer is throwing water balloons at the dumb girl next door during GROSS activities. Summer is playing pirates on the lake and sinking the second you board the ship. Summer is eating a purple Popsicle and your tongue being purple afterwards. Summer is sitting in the movie theater watching sequels again.
So what isn't summer?
Summer is not sitting around on your butt watching a bunch of freaks get paid seventy-five bucks a year to act like morons and get pies thrown at each other and get attacked by lions and get yourself killed by flying into the tent by a cannon.
This is the exact same speech Calvin gave his parents when they told him they were going to the circus. Calvin's been to a circus before. It was so cheap that the safety nets all fell apart before anyone landed in them. Dad had called it quality entertainment. What quality? The pies weren't even cooked when thrown! That's right. Last time was one of Dad's cheapskate acts of calling something lame fun. It was like camping, only a bit more humane.
Calvin and Hobbes sat in the backseat. Hobbes lazily thumbed through a magazine while Calvin continued to yell at his parents in anger.
"I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN ALL MY LIFE! CIRCUSES JUST ENCOURAGE THE STEREOTYPE THAT ALL CHILDREN LOVE THEM! IT'S AN ABSOLUTE OUTRAGE! GET ME AN ATTORNEY! GET ME RALPH NADER ON THE PHONE, STAT! I DEMAND A RECOUNT! I DEMAND A RECALL! I DEMAND A CHOCOLATE FUDGE SUNDAE WITH A CHERRY! I DEMAND THAT THE KEYS IN THAT CAR DISENTERGRATE! I—"
"CALVIN, WILL YOU BE QUIET?" Mom hollered in frustration.
"Not until this car turns around. We all know how cheap Dad is! He's idea of entertainment is reading books and playing Monopoly!"
"Hey, that is wholesome entertainment, and you know it!" Dad snapped angrily. "I'll have you know it was the most entertaining thing around in my time."
"You mean when Carter was president? That was a time of Great Depression! The depression came from lack of television."
Dad rolled his eyes and spotted the sign on the roadside for the circus.
"We're here!"
Calvin looked out the window. His eyes bulged and his jaw dropped. Was that the circus he saw ahead of him?
The tent was red and white, not to mention actually big enough for the elephants this time. The ticket stand didn't look completely sleazy! There were actual popcorn, soda and cotton candy bins outside the front! The lions and tigers were fully fledged and actually ferocious-looking. The elephants were clean! This wasn't the circus! This was actual entertainment!
"This is our circus? Now this is more like it! Much better than that cheap place last year!"
"Calvin, we didn't go to the circus last year. Last year we went to a carnival," Dad said.
"What's the difference?" Calvin whispered to Hobbes.
"Circuses have clean animals and nice games. Carnivals have carnies and you need to fill out papers for shots before you go in."
They got out of the car and eagerly ran towards the snacks area while Mom and Dad got the tickets.
"What should we get?" Calvin asked.
"Soda and cotton candy, soda and popcorn, popcorn and cotton candy, or soda and peanuts, or peanuts and cotton candy, or—"
"Ah, to heck with it! Let's take it all at once!"
Calvin and Hobbes jumped into the soda bins and grabbed five cans of each of the twenty varieties. They grabbed two pounds of peanuts and cotton candy, and then cleaned out the place that held popcorn.
The lady at the desk looked down at the boy with a ton of junk food and the stuffed tiger beside him.
"You got enough money to pay for that?"
"My parents over there are gonna pay for me."
Calvin pointed at two people at the other end who weren't his parents. He picked up the stuff and trudged away.
The lady looked up at the man and woman who were to pay for the popcorn.
"That'll be $113.39," she said.
"Boy, you people are expensive," said the man, pulling out his checkbook.
They went into the tent and sat on the side of the bleachers, hiding the food and such underneath. Mom and Dad sat down with them.
"Why'd you want to sit over here?" Dad asked.
"Nice view," said Calvin, munching on a bag of popcorn.
The lights dimmed and the show began. The ringmaster made his announcements that no one ever listened to, including car commercials and food for your elephant.
Calvin took a bag of popcorn and hurled it at him. "Get on with the show!" he shouted.
Finally, it was time for the first ring act. This included amateur acts, like the strongman, the music man and his cart, and the bearded lady.
"Slimy girls in their natural state," Calvin whispered to Hobbes.
The second ring act was a little bit better. This included the dancing fleas, the crazed elephants and the loudmouth lions.
"Simply not the king of jungle," Hobbes lamented. "They are simply amateurs compared to the tiger comrades. I don't see why they aren't the stars! It's feline racism."
"They don't have manes," Calvin said simply. "It makes lions look tougher."
"Peshaw!"
After about ten minutes of going to the bathroom from too much Kiwi Watermelon Supreese, Calvin sat back down with Hobbes.
"Did I miss anything?"
"Just a weird guy telling chicken jokes and road jokes," Hobbes sighed. "They were about as exciting as a chicken crossing the road."
"Unless the chicken got hit by an oncoming car."
"That would be sick."
The ringmaster came back into the center ring. "Okay, hold your applause and your popcorn…," he paused to glance at Calvin, who was in midswing with his third bag, "…to welcome our third and best ring act ever! First up, please welcome Katie Cannonball!"
Calvin was about to let go of his popcorn, but this made him stop.
"Cannonball? What kind of a last name is that?"
Katie, a skilled human cannonball, quickly jammed herself into the cannon. There was a drum roll as the cannon was hoisted upwards towards a moving target.
Calvin and Hobbes didn't take their eyes off the cannon. Their eyes were as big and wide around as dinner plates.
"Is she actually going through with that?" Calvin whispered. "I always figured girls would be too chicken to try that."
He was creamed by an ice cream cone in the back of the head by a girl.
"HEY!" he yelled. "No, wait." He stuck his finger in the back of his hair and tasted the flavor. "Chocolate. You're forgiven."
The drum roll stopped. The cannon locked into position. The cord was given a good yank. There was an almighty KABLAM that hurtled Katie towards the tent. She flew into the target, smashing it. She was lifted away into the darkness with much applause. Even Calvin whistled.
"I never thought I'd say it, but she was good!"
He was hit by another ice cream cone. This time it was Vanilla.
"Oh, goody!" said Hobbes. "Chocolate Swirl!"
"Sweet!" said Calvin.
"Thank you!" said the ringmaster. "Now for our next act: Big Mickey's Highwire Act."
"Wouldn't that be dangerous for someone with the name 'Big Mickey'?" Hobbes wondered.
"Shut up and watch," Calvin said eagerly.
Big Mickey walked slowly onto the thin wire. He was over a thousand feet in the air. The safety net was ready if he were to fall, but he looked pretty confidant he didn't need it.
Calvin held his breath.
Hobbes covered his eyes.
Mom and Dad simply read magazines.
Big Mickey, holding a pole, did a flip, landing safely on the thin wire. Then he sat down on it. He swirled onto it, holding on by his hands and feet. Then he did it again with his teeth! Then he moonwalked across! He skipped, galloped, jumped, zigzagged, had the hiccups on, wobbled on and nearly threw up on it. Still, he safely made it to the other side.
The tent was filled with applause.
An ice cream flew past Calvin, hitting the floor.
"What'd you do that for?" he yelled over his shoulder. "I didn't say anything yet."
"I just have a low opinion of that flavor," the girl replied.
Calvin rolled his eyes and returned to the matter at hand.
"That was Big Mickey!" the ringmaster said. "Now on to our next and final act: The Flying Porkowskies."
"Did he just say Porkowskies?" Hobbes whispered.
The Porkowskies were three men dressed up in pig suits that did the trapeze act. They were on the platforms and ready for takeoff. They jumped off and grabbed onto the first trapeze swing. They swung past each other and onto the others' swings. They twisted and flipped and squealed. They jumped through the ropes and grabbed onto the swing between their legs. They flipped and swung each other by their ankles. They swung with their toes. They snorted with their plastic snouts.
"How do they do it?" Calvin gasped.
"Years of practice," Hobbes sighed. "It's kind of like water balloons."
"Imagine how many girls we could soak from up there."
Another ice cream cone was thrown. This one hit Dad in the back of the head.
The tent erupted with applause as the trapezes were stopped and they all climbed down.
"That's our show!" the ringmaster shouted. "Now get out!"
Calvin and Hobbes felt their jaws hit the ground.
"That's it?" Calvin cried. "But it was getting good!"
"Come on, Calvin," said Mom. "Let's try some of the games."
Calvin groaned in disappointment. He grabbed his stuffed tiger and walked after his parents, leaving several empty cartons and cans under the bleachers, which he had forgotten about completely.
The games were pretty tame. All you could do was smack a gopher, pin a tale in a book, blow darts at a hot-air balloon, or go through the Tunnel of Love.
Guess which one Mom and Dad went down.
"We're going to take the Tunnel of Love," said Mom. "You and Hobbes wait here."
"Whatever," Calvin sighed, sipping his twelfth can of Orange Tang Disclosure.
Once his parents were gone, Calvin noticed the back of tent was unguarded. Better yet, no one was inside the tent. Everyone was signing autographs.
"Hobbes, my brain just hatched an idea!" he said, tossing his can in the wastebasket.
"Uh-oh."
"We're gonna explore the Big Top!"
"What for?"
"We're gonna join the circus! Come on!"
Normally, Hobbes would've been able to snatch him, but after all that soda and cotton candy, Calvin was so hyped up on sugar, he was too fast! He was worse than when he was after he'd eaten Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.
"Get back here!" he shouted.
Calvin was so fast, no one saw him sneak in!
"Okay,we'regonnahavetofigureoutwhichthingwewannaridefirst.Imean,afterall,weneedtopickthecoolestjobaround,notlikethecheaplookingcustodianoverthere.I'mtalkingaboutridingacoolcannonballorthe—"
"Freeze!" Hobbes shouted.
Calvin froze in his position. He was so hyper that he was talking at fifteen beats per minute.
"What makes you think anyone is going to take us in? We don't have any experience! You can barely walk, let alone chew gum while doing it!"
"Give me one good reason why that's at all important."
Hobbes slapped his forehead. "In short, you need to be graceful to be a circus guy."
"Pheh," Calvin snorted. "That's ridiculous. Come on, let's hit the stage!"
He shot off so fast that to Hobbes, he disappeared in the dust he had kicked up.
"This is so not a good thing," he sighed.
Calvin blasted up and around the tent, looking for some fun. He instantly found the one thing that he shouldn't have: Katie's Cannon.
"Hoo, this is gonna be a bucket of yuks!" he cried. He zipped up and into the opening up front. He slid down and into the bottom. However, he didn't have on a crash helmet.
"Pull the cord, Hobbes!"
Hobbes finally caught up with the crazed kid and didn't hear what he'd said. He picked up a rope on the bottom.
"What's this for?" he wondered aloud. He gave it a mighty tug, which was a big mistake.
KABLOOIE!
"WHAAAAAAHHOOOOOOOO!" Calvin shouted. He was blasted out of the cannon and up into the tent. The tent was soft, so he was pushed against it and pushed back again.
"Not good!" Hobbes cried.
Calvin flew back down like a C-Bomb and was hurled into the safety net. He bounced back up and grabbed onto the trapeze swings. He grabbed on and swung over towards the next one, but he wasn't tall enough, and that resulted in him missing and falling past the net.
Hobbes covered his eyes.
Calvin smashed into the popcorn vendor. His foot hit a lever, putting it at full blast. He only got to eat one handful of popcorn before the whole thing exploded from too much popcorn in it. He force sent him flying up and into the air towards the tent again. He was sent back onto a trapeze swing. He sat on the bar and was flung over towards the platform. He jumped it like a diving board and did a back flip into the net.
"Cannonball!" he cried.
He bounced off the net twice as hard as before, and he was sent hurtling back up onto a higher platform, where was sent flying onto a unicycle. He was crazed on sugar that he pedaled at full force. He went straight across the high wire at top speed, reaching the other side in nothing flat.
"Look at me, Hobbes!" he shouted. "I'm a bird! I'm a plane!"
"You're a freak, is what you are!" Hobbes shouted. "Get down before you get hurt!"
Calvin ignored him and pedaled even harder. "Wheeee!" Faster and faster he went. He went so fast he didn't stop in time. He continued on along the wire and to the other side, only to fly off straight towards the top of the tent again.
This time, he went so fast that he ripped through the tent and straight into the sky. He hit a large, inflated clown head, which he surfed over everything like a surfboard. He splattered through the pie throwing machine, got an ice cream cone stuck to his head, smashed through the face painting station and bounced off the clown head into the air.
Mom and Dad were just leaving the Tunnel of Love. Calvin instantly landed in the boat. When they looked at him, they saw that he looked like a very bad and underpaid clown.
"Having fun, Calvin?" Mom asked.
"He's just reminding us where love leads to," said Dad.
Calvin turned green and leaned his head over the edge of the boat, throwing up what he'd eaten before.
"Oh dear, are you okay?" Mom asked.
"I'm fine," Calvin said, regaining himself. He noticed the path of destruction that lay behind him. "On the other hand, I think I need to go home. I fell, uh, really bad inside. Can we please hit the road?"
"Sure," Mom said.
"Thanks. Let's head to the car that way. We don't need to make a scene with me throwing up again."
He quickly got them out around back, where he met Hobbes, and they hurried off into the car before they were caught.
"Well, I think we learned something for once," Hobbes said. "We learned that sugar and a circus should not go with you, right?"
He looked down in the seat and saw that Calvin was sipping another can of Root Beer Rhubarb Bolt From the Blue.
"I'm sorry, did you say something?"
Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Never mind."
