Twelve Months until the Final Good-bye
Chapter 3 First Date Confessions
Grissom sat in his car for a minute, gathering his thoughts before he walked to Sara's appointment to pick her up for their date. He could not remember the last time he was this nervous. Realizing that being late would be a terrible way to start the date and his attempt to right the cosmos, Grissom picked up the bouquet from the seat next to him, walked up to the front door and rang the bell.
Sara opened the door shyly. Grissom just stood there for a moment staring, until he heard a little voice in his head say, 'Greet her and hand her the flowers, idiot.' Almost robotically he did so. Thankfully, Sara was too distracted by her own nerves to notice.
As Sara rummaged through her small apartment to find a vase for the beautiful lavender and white tulips Grissom gave her, he was able to take a moment to drink in her appearance. Sara was dressed in a long, flowing skirt, which registered with Grissom, since the only other time he saw her in a skirt, was on court days, something he never missed. The skirt was black, with small violet flowers printed on it. She wore spaghetti strapped sweater of a soft purple fabric that looked like cashmere and Grissom's first reaction was to lift his hand to stroke the sweater, and the lovely bare shoulder next to the strap. Feeling that the silence had gone on too long went on, Grissom spoke. "Sara, you might want to bring a jacket, I don't want you to get chilly."
Sara, noticing Grissom's black trousers and slate blue shirt, smiled, "Where are we going that I need a jacket?" Her grin was mischievous.
"That, Miss Sidle is a surprise", Grissom smirked back. Sara quirked her left eyebrow in that delicious way that always made Grissom want to kiss the spot on her head where the brow went up, and covered her loveliness with a matching violet cardigan, that instead of buttons, tied with a purple velvet ribbon. For a moment, Grissom entertained the idea of what it would be like to untie that ribbon, slip the cardigan off her shoulders and then kiss her neck while sliding the spaghetti straps off his shoulder, exposing her creamy flesh. He realized that Sara was staring at him. He looked at Sara again and smiled.
"Sara, you look beautiful." He was rewarded with a full blush. The fact that Sara could still blush after witnessing all of the things that a CSI witnesses always delighted Grissom. It also made him privately wonder how far down her body she blushed.
"Th-Thanks" Sara stammered. "Catherine found out that you were taking me out and kidnapped me." She quickly regained her footing. "So, you still notice beauty?" she quipped.
"Every time I look at you" Grissom said coolly. He placed his hand on the small of her back. He looked down at her feet, and besides noticing her purple toenails, he could have sworn that her blush spread down through her toes. He silently thanked the person who invented tequila, and walked Sara to his car.
It seemed like seconds had gone by before they arrived at the marina at Lake Mead. Grissom escorted Sara to the boat he had rented for a private dinner cruise around the lake. It was a small houseboat. The bow had a table set for two and soft cushions by the stern of the boat. Sara looked at him incredulously, "A boat Grissom, you shouldn't have"
Grissom smiled, "I wanted to do something special. I thought being from the bay, you probably miss the water, I know I do. Anyway, I wanted you to myself." Sara blushed again, and protested that this was too extravagant. Grissom told her not to worry.
He also told her that they needed to talk. This made Sara quirk her eyebrow nervously.
Grissom caught the gesture, and tried to give Sara a reassuring smile. While Grissom would never be accused of being a 'people person', he was also not as oblivious as people gave him credit to be. He was extremely cognizant that he and Sara were coming to this date with enough emotional baggage to fill both of their Denali's. He knew they had a lot to talk about, lots of past grievances and misunderstanding to get through if things were truly going to work between them and he wanted to have this discussion in a neutral place, but more importantly, a place where he or Sara could not escape if the conversation turned less than pleasant.
"So Grissom, we need to talk?" Sara said nervously. That is not usually a first date phrase"
Grissom looked at Sara evenly. "This is not a usual first date. We've had this date with each other from the beginning."
Sara was beginning to look confused. "You're quoting from A Streetcar Named Desire? Are you planning on throwing me on your shoulder and run around the lab yelling 'Saaaara'.
Grissom looked at her oddly. "That was not what I meant. We have been dancing around this since the beginning."
Sara began to get defensive, "Beginning of what Grissom?"
Grissom looked at her with the same curiousness that he would regard one of his experiments with "Since the beginning of time. We have been dancing around our feelings for each other since the beginning of time."
Sara began walking around Grissom. "I have never danced with you. I try to take two steps forward, but you always push me one step back. When you pull me one step ahead, you then push me two steps back. I would move faster if I stood still."
Grissom began to sweat lightly. This was not going well. "Sara, what I wanted to say was we've had a lot of mixed signals and misunderstandings over the past five years."
Sara gave Grissom a look that would have given the sun frostbite. He cleared his throat and continued.
"Many of these misunderstandings have been my fault."
Sara's look was slightly warmer. The sun might only need a hat and mittens at this point.
"Ok, the vast majority of the misunderstandings and mixed signals were my fault."
Sara smiled at him and laughed a little. Grissom felt the room begin to warm up. He was glad when the waiter came to announce that dinner was ready.
During the delicious and innovative vegetarian meal, they kept the topics safe. After they finished eating, they each took a glass of wine and sat on the front of the boat and watched the sunset along the lake.
Grissom cleared his throat, indicating that he wanted to continue their before dinner discussion. "What I don't understand Sara, is why you kept up the pursuit. Any reasonable woman would have given up long ago."
Sara looked at him, "No one has ever accused me of being reasonable, Grissom."
Grissom knew that they were heading into dangerous territory, however, something kept on driving him with the conversation. Grissom also knew that he desperately wanted to cleanse himself and Sara of the past five years of mixed signals and jealousies that they shared towards and with each other, and start fresh and innocent.
What I don't comprehend is why me? A woman like you could have anyone she wants.
Sara was trying to keep her temper in check; she spoke through nearly clenched teeth, "Que les besoins de couer, la raison ne puet- il pas sander"
Grissom nodded, "What the heart wants, reason cannot comprehend. Who said that?"
The tension broken momentarily, Sara gave a small tense smile "I just did." Grissom smiled back. Sara went on, "Grissom what I don't understand is why all of the questions? I thought this would be a date."
Grissom thought for a moment and tried to explain to Sara, "I know this seems odd, even for me, but I am afraid. I also feel that I owe you explanations."
Sara looked at Grissom incredulously, "While I am curious Grissom about the reasons you do things, you don't owe me an explanation, if you are ready to give yourself to me, I am ready to accept it. Although I must admit, I am curious about why you are ready to take the risk now. Why now?"
Grissom looked at Sara with a creeping dread entering his heart. "You heard what I told Dr. Lurie?"
Sara nodded. Grissom went on, "And you still love me?"
Sara nodded again.
"Why?"
Sara became annoyed, "I don't know why Grissom. Does anyone know why people feel anything? Tell me Grissom, why are you pursuing me, why now; was it the attack on me, the attack on Nicky, why?"
Grissom stood there thinking. He did not know a whole lot about women, but he knew that telling Sara that Lady Heather appeared to him in a dream telling him that he had wasted four lifetimes not pursuing her was not going to be taken well. He shrugged. Then he thought of a partial truth.
"I had a dream the other night. I dreamt I was too late. When I woke up I was terrified to think that I was too late, and knew that if I didn't do something soon, it would be."
Sara nodded, accepting that. "What did you mean by not being able to take the risk?"
Grissom steeled himself. Maybe this was not his best idea. He desperately hoped that he would survive baring his soul this way. Lady Heather was right. His greatest fear was being known. For Sara's sake, and his own though he had to face his fear.
"I was afraid of how wonderful it would be with the two of us. And then like Debbie to Dr. Lurie, you would take it away. Fall in love with someone normal, someone your own age, like Nick, or David, or even Greg."
Sara snorted, "Grissom, if I had wanted any of them, I could have had them. But I am not attracted to any of them, I want you."
Grissom regarded that statement. "You do now, but what about when you don't want me anymore? I couldn't take the risk of having all of you, and then having it taken away. I thought I was better off having a little bit of you every day, and enjoying it while it lasted. It's cowardly of me, I know."
Sara stood there completely speechless. She could not believe what Grissom was telling her. Later, when she was alone, she would ponder what truth serum Grissom took to transform him into an open book, but the curious side of her knew she needed to take advantage of this moment to answer as many of the questions that burned in her heart and keep her from attaining the little sleep that she actually did need.
"Why did you take Sofia to dinner? Especially after I told you everything? I told you secrets. The things I told you, I have only told to people I pay to listen to me."
Grissom knew that was coming. He knew he should have told Sara about that dinner and his reasons, but that was before his revelation, when he was hoping that Sara would move on to someone else. At the time it seemed to work. He had thought that she was falling for Greg. He had tried to be happy about it. Greg was such an innocent soul. He knew that Greg would adore Sara and treat her well and give her his whole heart. Until recently, Grissom did not think he was capable of giving his whole heart to anyone, but was thankful that he learned in time that not only could he do it, but he desperately wanted to do it as well. Grissom was so deep into his reverie that he just began to notice Sara's tapping her feet impatiently. Sara looked at him inquisitively. "Grissom, dinner with Sofia?"
Grissom nodded. "Sofia was leaving and I wanted to talk her into staying. I wanted to enlist her support of you and the team. I also knew that she had dated someone on her team and wanted her advice about how to handle the situation. I did not realize that she was interested in me, or made the dinner out to be more than it was. I am sorry if that hurt you, Sara."
Sara regarded Grissom for a moment, deciding if she wanted to go on with the conversation. She made up her mind to continue, "It devastated me at first, but not for the reasons you think. Do you know why I went to Harvard?"
"Because its one of the finest Universities in the country?"
"Well, that was one reason, but I could have gone to Stanford or Caltech and gotten just as fine of an education there. I moved 3000 miles away from home so I could escape being 'foster care girl' or 'the girl whose mom killed her dad.' I never told anyone at work about my past.
Grissom nodded, "I always wondered about that. We all would have understood."
Sara looked at him and stated forcefully, "I did not want them to understand. I didn't want to be 'Sara Sidle' abuse victim. I wanted to be 'Sara Sidle' CSI. Anyway, people don't really want to know, if they wanted to know they would have asked me. People say that they want to know all about their co-workers, but they don't. It's just how no one really wants to know why cases about sexually abused boys really bother Nick."
Grissom stopped cold as he regarded the truth about Sara's words. With those words, a lot about Nick made sense. "And Nick told you about himself?
Sara shook her head. Grissom looked at her. "Then you would know about this how."
Sara answered so softly that Grissom had to strain to hear, "The phrase; takes one to know one is more than a childish taunt."
Grissom stood rooted to the ground. "Were you afraid that people would treat you differently if they found out?
Sara shook her head again, "My greatest fear was that I would tell someone the truth about myself and they would push me away. And when you asked Sofia to dinner after our talk, my fear had been realized."
Grissom grabbed her hand, "My God Sara, I didn't realize."
Sara looked at Grissom sadly, "I didn't expect you to realize. But you know something. I thought that the whole thing would break me. But it didn't it made me stronger. Having your greatest fear realized is very freeing. It gave me the strength to move forward, and accept that my life would be fine, either with you or without you."
Grissom looked at Sara stricken. This talk had been a bad idea. He was going to lose Sara before they even began. He began to think that being a lonely coward was far better than being a lonely fool. He was about to turn away in defeat when he felt her cool hand stroke his cheek. He put his had over hers, brought it to his lips and kissed it. Sara sighed, and gave him a look filled with such love, that he thought if his life ended at that moment, he could die a happy man. "However, Grissom I realized that while I can be fine without you, I would be much happier with you."
Grissom gave Sara a grin that took ten years off of her. He smiled, and told her that he was sorry for everything, and hoped that she would forgive him for the callousness and the obliviousness. The kiss on the cheek was all the answer he needed. He went to pull her in for a kiss, when it started to drizzle; he grabbed her hand and brought her to a shady part of the boat, and held her close. As quickly as the drizzle began, it stopped and the moon came out in its entire splendor. Grissom led Sara back out to the front of the boat and looked at her in the moonlight. The combination of the droplets of rain that clung to Sara and the lights from the lake and the moonlight made her glimmer. Grissom took her and kissed her deeply. He used his lips to convey all of the words of love that his voice was aching to form. They kissed and smiled, and felt each other being made whole.
Grissom smiled at Sara. "Would you like to dance?"
Sara grinned a wicked grin, "I thought that you didn't know how."
Grissom took her hand. "For the right person I can learn."
Grissom walked over to the CD player and hit the play button. They held each other closely as Ella Fitzgerald began to sing;
It's very clear; our love is here to stay
Not for a year, but forever and day
In time the Rockies may crumble
Gibraltar may tumble
They're only made of clay
But
Our love is here to stay.
TBC
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed Chapter 3. I had originally thought 4 chapters, but I am now thinking 5 or six. As long as you are reading, I will be writing.
A/N: Look for Chapter 4: The Courtship. Hopefully coming sooner, rather than later.
I also think that Gershwin is in the public domain.
