Odd little song fic, being re-posted without the song!
Crazy Games.
He woke up suddenly, he often did throughout the night so it was no surprise. As he glanced to his left he saw the delicate figure lying next to him and felt his face automatically redden in anger. Anger at himself, for being such a coward, such a fool; for allowing himself to be swept away by something which wasn't real. Things had been good between them before, great even. So why had everything suddenly changed? It was as though their relationship had been switched upside down and inside out. Everything he liked about her annoyed him. Her general feelings for him irritated him. Where had it gone wrong, he wondered despite already knowing the answer. There were a number of reasons, but the one that mattered, the one which had changed them; changed her and ruined her, was as plain as day. She just wasn't Terri.
She never would be, and he was stupid for thinking he could have anything with Nina that was remotely like his relationship with his wife. But here he was, laid in bed with his co-worker, his friend; she was everything but his lover, that was for sure. There activities in bed meant nothing to him, he could only hope she felt the same way, for he still didn't have the courage to confront her about it. At times things could seem okay, they had fun, but it wasn't him. There was a physical switch in his head when he did those things with her, it changed him, made him a different person from the man he was with his wife. He just hoped he would get back home with his wife before the mould set and he was stuck with this new person, this new lifestyle, this new him. He would much rather play a quiet game of chess with Kim that hit the clubs with Nina. But once again, when her charm was on his brain switched off. 'Fun,' was a simple description, but when it was Nina selling something to him this way he couldn't say no. He was changing already, time was running out before he could go back to what he was, what he had.
Still, he thought as he quietly propped himself up on one arm so he wouldn't have to face her, its not Nina's fault. And she was beautiful. No man could resist her, he certainly hadn't been able to. Maybe that was the problem there, despite the hard time he was having at home, he still had a beautiful wife. Why wasn't that enough to stop him? Those kind of thoughts should have never entered his head, never mind the physicality of them, which he had given in to too, something he could never erase. All the time his golden band had shone through the darkness to him, reminding him of his wife, at home alone, while he was with her.
Maybe it was her fault; if she hadn't been so attractive and attentive and caring and... No. That wasn't her fault. She couldn't help who she was, she couldn't help the fact that he fell for her, that he was too weak to say no. He just hoped the favour hadn't been returned; surely not. How could she feel anything for a man who made love to her with thoughts of his wife in his mind. She knew it too, he made perfectly sure of that. That was what added another layer of curiosity to Nina, just why did she want him, why did she care?
Funny really, looking back. He had wondered why she felt so strongly about him when he gave her nothing in return. Or so he had thought. When in reality she had been reeling him in all along, like a fisherman's catch. She had played him, won him, ruined him. As simple as that. Only he wouldn't give up yet, he would never let her end him. She may have destroyed him, but that's what made him stronger, harder, angrier. He would play her game and he would win. It wouldn't be over until he said so. She had made a mistake, and he would make her pay. She was in prison but he would wait, he could wait, he didn't have anything else to do. Not anymore. Not until he could get her, then he would be complete.
Terri was what he needed, she and Kim were all he had and wanted. But she took them away and replaced them with hatred and coldness that now defined him. That was all he needed now, and he fed from it. His hatred for her kept him alive and helped him make it through every night. He would have her, he would wait, it was all he was hanging on to now; and would be more than he ever needed.
He didn't kill her. He couldn't, not yet. The game would end and he wasn't ready for that. He had waited all of this time, and now it was here - he wouldn't let it end so suddenly, the fun was just beginning. So he pulled the shaky hands holding the gun against her head away, cuffed her, gave her back to the feds. Gave her her life back, in a sense. And that's why she needed him now. To even out the score; he had made things much more interesting and the game was getting better, they both needed each other now, and both were determined to beat the other.
Neither would stop, they couldn't, not until one had the other. Life was now nothing but this deadly game between cat and mouse. Only this time, it wasn't certain which one was the predator, or the prey, they both fought for the dominant position. Again, it made the game so much more fun, and revenge, winning the game, winning her, would be much more satisfactory now they had thrown so many variables into the mix. It would be worth it even more, as thought the starting ground was nothing. A piece of the past: there present, the here and now was all that mattered.
Then had already established that they needed each other, in there hurt filled relationship. They were unique really. The rest of the world didn't understand the game, the need for pain, the need to hurt, the thirst for blood. The need to be on top - maybe they didn't have the innate sense of survival, or the urge and need to win. But they didn't understand, nobody did. Not even Tony, who had almost understood the game, almost. But he didn't, he hadn't joined in. He wasn't a worthy competitor, nobody was. Just the two of them.
They would battle to the death, there souls empty and there eyes full with greed. They would go too far though, and the game would end. They didn't want it to, they needed it. Without one the other had nothing. They didn't realise that if the game was won, the winner would also be a looser. For they had lost there other half, the person which completed the dynamics of the relationship. Yin and yang - they couldn't be separated. They knew this, which is what made there anger even stronger, the fact that they needed each other, both dead and alive. It was nonsensical but then it made perfect sense too. It was the game, it was all the game. It made perfect, twisted sense. They were twisted together, they were one and nothing, it was all they really wanted.
There were no rules, he realised. Just as there were no game. It was all in his head, and her head, which is why she was free and he was free, they were both breathing and living. No they weren't, they had no life. Not without the other. Not without the game. What game? Killing and death isn't a game. Yet neither of them had the real intention of killing the other, or did they? Hurt, yes, please yes, anger, is that what were they really fighting for? Control? Would there ever be a winner? Evil, that was the result, and the winner for it was the ground of their relationship, and it was the only way to end it.
Those thoughts ran through his head as he stood over her, once more for old times sake, he thought sadistically. She didn't look worried as he sent Kim out of the room, she had almost expected it. She couldn't be a part of the game. She would have rolled her eyes if she had the energy, he had won this round, he wanted to gloat. You hurt her, that was the whole point wasn't it?
But no, he realised, he had the control and it wasn't enough, he needed more, but he had it all. This wasn't right, he wasn't supposed to feel need and vulnerability, he needed power, confidence - he had won for Christ's sake! For now, anyway, wasn't that the way it always went? They were like a merry-go-round, around and around they went in circles, but this ride never ended.
He didn't want to lose again, he had lost too much. Even if he had won.
He could win, he realised, even if it mean loosing too. He pulled the trigger, once, twice, three times. He took a shaky step back as reality flooded in. He hadn't won. He hadn't lost. He had ended the game. It was gone, and he hadn't won.
Had they known this all along, and continued on knowing there was no prospect winning at all? Were they that sick or lost, that the only possible result hadn't hit home? Or did they know all along, and they were that sick and twisted they needed each other and they needed there game?
END
Hmm this is much better with the lyrics but oh well!
Thanks everyone who reviewed it the first time around!
To find the version with lyrics go on the link in my profile.
If anybody fancies reviewing it again be my guest :D
