The people of Atlantis come in, waiting for the musical, waiting for something… amusing to say the least.

Grodin on mic: People, the show will be on in one minute.

A hush settles. Backstage some noise is heard.

"No. I'm not going out there."

"Aww, come on, Rodney! You're ruining all the fun!"

"This is not 'fun,' major. This is torture. Agony. Pointless."

"McKay, just go out there. It's not that hard."

"Don't make me hurt you again, Ford."

"Look, Rodney, just go out there and tell them about...wormhole theory or something."

"John, you couldn't get me to go out there even if I got to talk about wormhole theory. You go out there."

"Weir's orders, McKay."

"What did I just tell you, Lieutenant?"

"Just go out there. Make something up."

"Major, I-"

McKay stumbles out on stage, pushed out by Ford and Sheppard. He glares back at them, and then turns out to the audience.

McKay: Hi. Uh...yeah. This is a play. Er, musical. About Atlantis. Yeah. SGA: The Musical. There's gonna be some...singing. Some good, and some not so good.

Sheppard: offstage Are you implying something, McKay?

McKay: Not at all, major. Anyway, umm, I was told-well, forced, more like it-

Sheppard and Ford: MCKAY!

McKay: Alright! I was told to tell you people about wormhole theory, so here goes. A wormhole is, simply put, a distortion of space-time in a region of the universe that would link one location with another, through a path that is shorter in distance than would otherwise be expected. They are formed between two Stargates. An object is transformed into energy as it passes through the event horizon of one gate and is instantly reintegrated on the other side. Objects can only travel one way through a wormhole, except things like radio waves or EM pulses. One can establish a wormhole by the use of a DHD, or 'Dial Home Device.' You enter seven symbols, six points in space and a point of origin. Then-

Sheppard walks out onstage, followed by Ford, Teyla, and Weir.

Sheppard: I think they get the picture Rodney.

Ford: Actually, I think they don't get it at all. In fact, they all seem to be sleeping.

Teyla: Yes, it appears Lieutenant Ford is correct.

McKay: I'm not that boring!

All: Yes, you are!

Weir: Don't feel too bad, Rodney. We're all going to have to sing a song.

McKay: I'm NOT singing.

Ford: The Eaaaagglleesss, McKay.

McKay: I don't care. I refuse to lower myself to that level and be publicly humiliated. I'm. Not. Singing.

Sheppard: I really have to go with Rodney on this one.

Weir: You WILL sing, major. Or else.

Everyone whimpers.

Sheppard: Okay, you got me convinced. Who's got the first song?

Teyla: If I remember correctly, I believe it is Lieutenant Ford who sings first.

Ford: Me?

She nods.

Ford: Oh no. No way in hell.

Sheppard: I was ordered to so you have to.

Ford: I wasn't.

Sheppard: Well consider yourself ordered then.

Ford slumps.

Ford: Maaaan… what do I hafta sing?

Weir: Didn't you read the script?

Ford: Not really.

McKay: Of all the insufferable qualities, I think that was a good idea Ford.

Ford: Really?

McKay: I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but yes.

Sheppard: Wait a minute… where's Beckett?

Weir looks around.

Weir: Any of you seen Doctor Beckett?

Audience member: He's in a "bloody surgery" I believe.

McKay: Heh, the irony.

Sheppard glares at him. Teyla coughs politely.

Teyla: Should we resume the script major?

Sheppard: Yeah sure. Okay… where's the Stargate?

McKay: Spin.

Sheppard: Ah! There you are. Now we walk though the gate.

The 'gate' falls down.

McKay: Ow!

Ford: Haha.

McKay: Shut up.

Teyla: Ooh… look at the hurricane brewing outside!

Sheppard: Yes, look at the hurricane! A giant hurricane... waits a giant hurricane...

McKay: AHEM.

Stage crew: Oh! right! starts blowing into the microphone

McKay: That's it? 'Whoosh?' Where's the howling winds? Where's the pouring rain?

Where's the- someone throws a giant pail of water out, drenching McKay, but completely missing John. Sheppard laughs, McKay glares at him

McKay: Oh, shut up.

Sheppard: Anyway, a giant hurricane is heading straight for Atlantis!

Weir: We don't have enough power to activate the shield! We are all...DOOMED!

Ford: DOOMED!

Sheppard: DOOMED!

McKay: Oh, stop being so melodramatic. We're always doomed, and we always live to the end of the episode.

Sheppard: Get with the program, Rodney.

McKay: Oh, fine. I think we can harness the lightning...

Stage crew: Krackow! flickers flashlight

Sheppard: 'Krackow'?

McKay: ...to power the shield and save us all. We only need to activate all of the city's lightning rods. Providing we're not attacked by a sadistic megalomaniac and his minions hell-bent on conquering Atlantis.

Kolya: jumps out onstage Ha ha! Atlantis is mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!

McKay: Of course.

Kolya: whips out gun and points it at McKay and Weir Give me the C4 and all your medical supplies and I shall permit your friends to live!

Sheppard: begins writing down ...medical supplies. Anything else?

Kolya: Oh, throw in one of those puddle jumpers while you're at it, too.

Sheppard: Now you're pushing it. I'm not giving up the jumpers!

McKay: John!

Weir: warningly Major Sheppard...

Sheppard: sulkily Oh, alright.

The band strikes up a nice easy Beatles tune. (Hey Jude)

Kolya: Hey John, don't make it bad.

Take a bad plan and make it better.

Remember don't let me stab your heart,

Then you can start to make it better.

Hey John, don't be afraid.

You were made to go out and help me

The minute you let me under your skin,

Then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey John, refrain,

Don't carry Atlantis upon your shoulders.

For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool

By making my world a little better.

McKay: Jeez, gimme a break!

Hey John, don't let me down.

You have given it to me, now go and leave!

Remember don't let me stab your heart,

Then you can start to make it better.

Ford: THIS is getting to me...

So let yourself out and let me in, hey John, begin,

I want some C4 to perform with.

And don't you know that it's just you, hey John, you'll do,

The movement we need is on your big head.

Hey John, don't make it bad.

Take a bad song and make it better.

Remember to let me into your city,

Then you'll begin to make it

Better better better better better better, oh.
Naaa na na nananana…

Sheppard whips out his P-90 and shoots Kolya.

Sheppard: That part is sooo irritating!

Weir: Tell me about it. I get so sick of that song.

McKay: looking from Kolya to John You just-how could-there's no way it's that easy! You just whip out a gun and SHOOT the bastard? Why didn't you do that before?

Sheppard shrugs.

Sheppard: Before, he didn't have a song.

McKay: Hm. Good point. So now we must save the city from its gruesome fate at the bottom of the ocean!

Sheppard: Who can save it!

Weir: Rodney can!

Ford and Teyla: Yes he can!

McKay: Okay, I know I'm good, but you guys are creeping me out. I need to relax in order to fix the city and getthroughSheppard'ssong.

Sheppard: What was that?

McKay: What? I needed to relax to work on saving the city.

Sheppard: No no no… the second part.

McKay: Oh, you have a song coming up…anyway, back to the shield…

Sheppard: WHAT! I'm not singing.

Teyla: Major you must to keep away the Wraith.

Sheppard: I what?

Weir and Ford: The script.

Sheppard: Uh, right. Look at the Wraith coming… McKay, be careful!

McKay: For what?

Sheppard whispers: The Wraith… the script?

McKay: Riiiight… Oh no! The Wraith are coming! We must beware. I'm coming back to

the city. Umph!

Ford: What was that?

McKay: I believe that was me tripping over Kolya.

Sheppard: Oh?

Weir: Ah, dump 'im over the side.

Stage crew: Right away ma'am. No need asking.

Weir: Finally.

Ford: You just can't do that!

Weir and Teyla and Sheppard and McKay: Why not?

Ford: Because… because you can't!

Weir: Sure… go ahead boys, dump him.

Crowd applauses loudly. Wolf whistles are heard in the claps.

Teyla mutters: How long does this go on for?

McKay is happy.

McKay: I'd say about two hours… or something like that.

Teyla: Great…

Wraith things: Grrr!

Weir: Here they come!

McKay: Major, they don't look like Wraith.

Ford: Hey stage crew, who are they?

Stage crew: Your Wraith.

Ford: I think they're toweled Atlantis personnel.

Sheppard: Blue towels huh?

Stage guy: We ran out of options. This ain't Hollywood after all.

McKay: It's not?

Weir: Wait a second. That's Beckett! He's a betoweled Wraith man!

Ford: Would you look at that! A Wraith with a Scottish accent.

All go silent and we hear a "grrr... I want yer life!" in a Scottish accent. He stops.

Betoweled Beckett: Rats.

Weir: Come here doctor. Sheesh! You stink!

Beckett: Portapotty.

All: WHAT!

Beckett: Blue portapotty stuff.

Ford: Damn, you're not kidding are you...?

Beckett: 'Fraid not laddie.

McKay: How'd you allow that one?

Beckett: I didn't.

All are silent.

Sheppard: Ahem... here come the Wraith to suck our lives out.

McKay flatly: Oh no.

He runs up and goes to pull the towels off.

McKay: Uh major, the towels are attached to them... these are real betoweled Wraith! RUN!

Sheppard: Back to the jumper! Lizbeth, you'd better head back to Atlantis... or something.

Just walk... off stage... or something...

Weir: Going.

She trots off stage.

Teyla: Where's the jumper?

Sheppard: Over here somewhere.

McKay: Did you forget were we parked again?

Sheppard: No I'm sure it's right...

A gray box slides out from backstage.

Sheppard: ...here...

Ford: A fridge box.

Teyla: Is this what you mean by "budget cuts" major?

Sheppard: Uh, essentially. Ok, everyone in the puddle...box...

They load up.

Ford: Sir, let's start them engines.

Sheppard: Fridge boxes have engines?

Ford: Sir, the script.

Sheppard: I mean... sure! Let's start these engines.

The box's interior lights up.

All: Wow.

A Wraith (a real Wraith) jumps out.

Steve: Aha!

Sheppard: Steve? You're supposed to be dead.

Steve: I have survived Major Sheppard.

Sheppard: Hmm… apparently.

McKay: Ah, major?

Sheppard: Yes McKay?

McKay: He might start singing.

Sheppard stares at him.

Sheppard: You're kidding right?

Ford: No sir, it's in the script.

Steve: We will conquer you, scrawny humans!

McKay: Please no… not that one!

Sheppard: Good Lord no!

Teyla: What is it major?

Ford: We can stall him! Shoot 'im!

Sheppard: Well, we have our P-90's… what's this?

Teyla frowns.

Teyla: It appears our Wraith gun is now some kind of I-beam.

It droops.

Teyla: A fake I-beam…

McKay: Oh no…

Sheppard: He's gonna…

Ford: Help!

The betoweled Atlantis Wraith start stomping and clapping out the aggressive Queen beat.

Steve: We will, we will conquer! We will, we will conquer!

Sheppard: Shoot him.

McKay and Ford: Gladly.

Steve drops dead.

Sheppard: Thank you.

Ford: No problem sir.

Sheppard: Now… back to jumper!

McKay: Uh, we never left the "jumper" Sheppard.

Sheppard: Right. Now that the lights are on, let's see if this thing can fllllyy!

The box rises unexpectedly towards the ceiling.

Zelenka comes out with a clapboard. He claps it.

Zelenka: Act One. Over.

A curtain drops.

Zelenka: OW!

He faints err… is knocked unconscious.


A/Ns: We had a meeting to discuss which word should be used. We found that 'fainting' is too… girly for the men of Atlantis. They objected to fainting.