Now for the long awaited Act 2...


The curtain rises. Zelenka is still lying unconscious on the stage.

Grodin: Act 2 starts in 5!

Stage manager: Wait, where's our clapboard man?

Stage crew 1: I think he's out cold on the stage, sir.

Stage manager: Oh for the love of do we really need the clapboard routine?

Stage crew 2: Actually, it's really for the actors.

Stage manager: I just don't see why we need it. By the way, where are the actors? They're supposed to be on in a few seconds!

Stage crew 1: I...ah... don't think they ever came down from the jumper.

Stage manager: WHAT! They're on in 5 seconds and they're out FLYING THE JUMPER!

Stage crew 2: Box. Jumper box. It...doesn't have very good... steering, so to speak. Or taking off. Or landing, for that matter.

Stage crew 1: Here they come now!

The fridge box makes a very bumpy landing and everyone gets out.

McKay: That is the absolute LAST time I EVER fly in the fridge jumper!

Ford: I think I'm gonna be carsick...

Teyla: Do you mean puddle-fridge box-jumper sick?

Sheppard: Hey, YOU try flying the damn thing next time! It's not as easy as it looks!

McKay: God, that was worse than Beckett driving the jumper!

Sheppard: If I could FIND the CONTROLS...

Stage crew 1: Sorry, sir. Budget cuts again.

Ford: How are we getting budget cuts? It's not like we're receiving funding or anything.

Stage manager: Err...

Weir: backstage Script, gentlemen.

McKay: Yes, right. Um...where are we?

Sheppard: We're on an alien planet.

Ford: It looks the same.

Sheppard: warning Ford...

Ford: Right, sir.

Teyla: Shall we explore this...planet? Perhaps we may find something of interest.

McKay: Oh, look. Zelenka's here and seems to have passed out.

Ford: Shouldn't we get Beckett in here?

McKay, Teyla, and Sheppard: No, I really think—

Beckett: Who passed out?

Teyla, Ford, McKay, and Sheppard all block their noses

Beckett: What?
Sheppard: Did you wash the portapotty stuff out of your hair?

Beckett: Aye! Did you think I would leave that unsanitary stuff in? You're daft, laddie!

McKay: I think that's his cologne.

Sheppard: What are you doing here anyway? This is an alien planet.

Ford: He has the next song.

Sheppard: Oh?

Beckett: Aye. And it's my job to tend to the invalid. indicates Zelenka

McKay: Oh, he'll be fine. He's an engineer. Nothing new for him.

Band strikes up the acoustic Eagles tune, 'Take it Easy.'

Beckett: Well, I'm a runnin' down the halls, tryin' to answer the calls,

I've got seven patients on my mind:

four with heavy bleeding, two got shot while leading,
one needs a cure I can't find.

Take it easy, take it easy,

Doctor's orders. I'll keep you here 'til you go crazy.

Lighten up while you still can, don't even try to understand,

Put it up, try not to stand and take it easy.

Well, I'm a standin' o'er a counter after another Wraith encounter

Inside the infirmary.

it's McKay, my Lord, and then there's Ford

Shot by Wraith on M6X-233

Come on, laddie, you're hurt badly.

Why can't you just stay home instead of running madly?
I'll heal you up, you can leave then. 'Cause tomorrow you'll be back again.

Getting shot all over again, so take it easy.

Well, I'm a runnin' down the halls, tryin' to answer my calls,

got a world of trouble on my mind.

Wishin' for just one day, when everyone stays OK,

That's too hard to find.

Take it easy; take it easy,

Doctor's orders. I'll keep you here 'til you go crazy.

Come on, laddie, you're hurt badly.

Why can't you just stay home instead of running madly?

Some of the female nurses start going "Ooooh ooho oooh oooh."

Oh, I don't got it easy,

You gotta take it easy.

McKay: A Scotsman singing southwestern country rock? Someone tell me how that makes sense...

Zelenka: Oh, nice singing by the way, doc.

Beckett: Why thank- You're SUPPOSED to be unconscious!

Zelenka: Right.

He falls back to the ground.

Zelenka: I'm unconscious now.

Beckett grumbles and dumps him into the puddlebox.

Zelenka: Ooof!

Beckett: I hope he has the gene...

McKay: You know he doesn't Beckett.

Beckett: Yeah, well.

Sheppard: You'd, uh, better get back to Atlantis. There's a, uh…surgery or something.

Beckett: Right.

McKay: So, we need to search this planet for usable ZedPMs—

Sheppard: It's ZPM.

McKay: What?

Sheppard: You said ZedPM. It's supposed to be Zee. ZPM.

McKay: No, it's Zed.

Ford: Actually, I think its 'Zee.'

McKay calls backstage: Grodin, help me out on this!

Grodin sticks his head out: Yes, it's 'Zed.'

Beckett also comes onstage: Aye, laddies. 'Zed.'

McKay: Ha! Three against two!

Sheppard: They don't count! They're not on this planet!

Weir walks onstage: 'Zee.'

Sheppard: Hah!

McKay: Then she doesn't count either!

Sheppard: Doesn't matter! We're still winning!

McKay: On this planet, yes! But if we were in Atlantis you'd so lose!

Sheppard: Okay, fine. Everyone counts.

McKay, Grodin, Beckett: Zed.

Sheppard, Ford, Weir: Zee.

McKay, Grodin, Beckett: Zed!

Sheppard, Ford, Weir: Zee!

McKay, Grodin, Beckett: ZED!

Sheppard, Ford, Weir: ZEE!

Grodin: Britain was around long before America was. We spoke the language first. You Americans mauled it.

Beckett: Aye. We're right, you're wrong. Zed.

Sheppard: I can understand Beckett and Grodin saying 'Zed,' but why you, Rodney? Canada's closer to the US than to the UK.

McKay: I don't know, but the point is that Zed's right, Zee isn't.

Bates and Kavanaugh stick their heads out onstage: Zee.

Sheppard: Ha.

Grodin and Beckett muttering: Bloody Americans...

Weir: Now that that's settled, back to the script!

McKay: Right. We need to search this planet for a...ZED! PM.

Sheppard: Yes we must find a… ZEE! PM.

Teyla: Why don't we call it the 'Zero Point Module' and stop all the arguing?

McKay: You know I think that-

Weir: This is not a musical were we want to know what you think, is it?

Ford, McKay, Beckett, and Grodin look guilty. Sheppard looks thoughtful.

Sheppard: You know what I think? War… good God y'all…

what is it good fawr?

Absolutely nothing!

War, hunh,

What is it good fawr,

Absolutely nothing! Sing it again!

He struts across the stage in the Egyptian style 'dance.' He looks vaguely like a dying pigeon.

Weir: John!

Sheppard: Yup?

McKay doubles over laughing on the ground. Ford and Teyla look very scared.

Sheppard to McKay: Whaaat?

McKay: God, if I only had a video camera! I'd send that back to Earth!

Sheppard: This does not leave the planet!

He begins waving around his gun

Ford: Right, sir.

Teyla: Understood.

McKay is still rolling on the 'ground' laughing: Hehe…wouldn't President Hays love to know what his ranking military officer was— Sheppard kicks him in the gut Urk!

Sheppard: McKay, I swear, if I find this on the Internet—

McKay gets up: Point taken. Rather painfully, I might add.

Sheppard: Good. Pain builds character.

Weir: Yes, well, good luck searching for Zero Point Modules, or whatever the hell they're called. walks offstage

Sheppard: 'K, sure, whatever.

Ford: So, uh, where do we start?

Teyla: Let's search over here.

Bob the Wraith jumps out

All: BOB?

McKay: Wait. We already encountered the Wraith in this musical. This isn't fair

Bob: You slaughtered my kinsman, the one you know as 'Steve', before he could finish his song. Now I must sing my own song and then have my revenge on you pitiful excuses for intelligent life!

McKay: You're kidding me. The WRAITH get to sing AGAIN! Wait…how do they know any human music?

Weir: Apparently, one of them got a hold of one of the scientist's personal objects. A Rolling Stones CD.

She sticks her head out and begins walking back to the team.

McKay: No. NO. I can't believe it. A Wraith singing 'Can't Get No Satisfaction'?

Sheppard: Yeah. But it's not 'Satisfaction' he's singing. He actually does sound like Mick Jagger.

McKay: Granted, that's not too hard to accomplish but—

Ford: I don't really like the Rolling Stones.

Sheppard: That's because you're not old enough to appreciate them. By the way, what are you doing here, Elizabeth?

Weir: Oh, I just couldn't miss this. I saw the Stones in college. I really gotta see this.

bongo music comes in. Bob starts singing

Please allow me to introduce myself

I'm a creature of wealth and taste

McKay: snorts Yeah, right

I've been asleep for a long, long year

Stole many a man's life and fate

And I was 'round when the Ancients

Whupped our asses at Atlantis

So we sunk the city

Into the sea 'cause we got pissed.

Pleased to meet you

Hope you guess my name

But what's puzzling you

Is why I like to cause much pain.

I shall be all of your dooms

You cannot escape this certain fate

Culling humans on primitive worlds

I'm filled with spite and hate

I drove a Dart

Before the start

Of the Ancients War

Shot the ranks apart

Pleased to meet you

Hope you guess my name, oh yeah

What's puzzling you

Is why I like to cause much pain, oh yeah

Wraiths in background begin singing 'Who, Who'

I just won't die

How hard you try

Can't kill me at all

Bullets won't make me fall

I shouted out

"Tell us, where is this Earth place?"

So I could get

Earthlings to replace

Let me please introduce myself

I'm a Wraith of wealth and taste

And I laid tracks for the Hive ships

Which the Major wrecked, to our dismay.

Pleased to meet you

Hope you guess my name, oh yeah

But what's puzzling you

Is why I like to cause much pain, oh yeah, get down, baby

Wraith comes out and plays nifty guitar solo

McKay: No. NO! Keith Richards in Wraith form comes out and does a guitar solo? What's next?

Sheppard: Judging by the way he just isn't dying, I think Keith Richards is a Wraith.

Teyla: I am uncertain as to whom this Keith Richards is. Tell me; is he on the expedition with us?

Weir: Wow. That Wraith's pretty good.

Ford: Where'd he get the guitar?

Pleased to meet you

Hope you guess my name, oh yeah

But what's confusing you

Is why I like to cause much pain.

Just as every marine makes a meal

And all the tech-geeks snacks

As I end this tale

Just call me a pain in the ass

Sheppard: Gladly.

'Cause I'll relentlessly attack

So if you meet me

Have some courtesy

Have some sympathy,

and some taste

Use all your well learned qualities

Or I'll suck your life to waist

Pleased to meet you

Hope you guess my name

But what's puzzling you

Is why I like to cause much pain.

McKay: I have officially been scarred for life.

Ford: Ditto.

Sheppard: Can I pleeaasseee shoot him now?

Weir: No, we only agreed to let him sing if he gave us information about the Hive Ships.

Sheppard: Aw, man…

Bob: I SHALL EXACT MY REVENGE!

Bob is dragged offstage kicking and screaming by Weir and three other Marines while Sheppard, McKay, Ford and Teyla watch.

Sheppard: All in favor of saying there are no ZPMs and leaving the planet say 'aye.'

Everyone raises their hands: AYE!

All run for the jumperbox and pile in. We hear a 'thud'

McKay: Ow!

Zelenka: Sorry. Didn't mean to trip you.

Sheppard: Zelenka! What are you still doing here!

Zelenka: Beckett stuck me in the jumper and I can't fly it, remember?

Sheppard: Right. sighs> Okay, everyone back to Atlantis!

Box rises and flies jerkily off.


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