Now for the long awaited Act 2...
The curtain rises. Zelenka is still lying unconscious on the stage.
Grodin: Act 2 starts in 5!
Stage manager: Wait, where's our clapboard man?
Stage crew 1: I think he's out cold on the stage, sir.
Stage manager: Oh for the love of do we really need the clapboard routine?
Stage crew 2: Actually, it's really for the actors.
Stage manager: I just don't see why we need it. By the way, where are the actors? They're supposed to be on in a few seconds!
Stage crew 1: I...ah... don't think they ever came down from the jumper.
Stage manager: WHAT! They're on in 5 seconds and they're out FLYING THE JUMPER!
Stage crew 2: Box. Jumper box. It...doesn't have very good... steering, so to speak. Or taking off. Or landing, for that matter.
Stage crew 1: Here they come now!
The fridge box makes a very bumpy landing and everyone gets out.
McKay: That is the absolute LAST time I EVER fly in the fridge jumper!
Ford: I think I'm gonna be carsick...
Teyla: Do you mean puddle-fridge box-jumper sick?
Sheppard: Hey, YOU try flying the damn thing next time! It's not as easy as it looks!
McKay: God, that was worse than Beckett driving the jumper!
Sheppard: If I could FIND the CONTROLS...
Stage crew 1: Sorry, sir. Budget cuts again.
Ford: How are we getting budget cuts? It's not like we're receiving funding or anything.
Stage manager: Err...
Weir: backstage Script, gentlemen.
McKay: Yes, right. Um...where are we?
Sheppard: We're on an alien planet.
Ford: It looks the same.
Sheppard: warning Ford...
Ford: Right, sir.
Teyla: Shall we explore this...planet? Perhaps we may find something of interest.
McKay: Oh, look. Zelenka's here and seems to have passed out.
Ford: Shouldn't we get Beckett in here?
McKay, Teyla, and Sheppard: No, I really think—
Beckett: Who passed out?
Teyla, Ford, McKay, and Sheppard all block their noses
Beckett: What?
Sheppard: Did you wash the portapotty stuff out of your hair?
Beckett: Aye! Did you think I would leave that unsanitary stuff in? You're daft, laddie!
McKay: I think that's his cologne.
Sheppard: What are you doing here anyway? This is an alien planet.
Ford: He has the next song.
Sheppard: Oh?
Beckett: Aye. And it's my job to tend to the invalid. indicates Zelenka
McKay: Oh, he'll be fine. He's an engineer. Nothing new for him.
Band strikes up the acoustic Eagles tune, 'Take it Easy.'
Beckett: Well, I'm a runnin' down the halls, tryin' to answer the calls,
I've got seven patients on my mind:
four with heavy bleeding, two got shot while leading,
one needs a cure I can't find.
Take it easy, take it easy,
Doctor's orders. I'll keep you here 'til you go crazy.
Lighten up while you still can, don't even try to understand,
Put it up, try not to stand and take it easy.
Well, I'm a standin' o'er a counter after another Wraith encounter
Inside the infirmary.
it's McKay, my Lord, and then there's Ford
Shot by Wraith on M6X-233
Come on, laddie, you're hurt badly.
Why can't you just stay home instead of running madly?
I'll heal you up, you can leave then. 'Cause tomorrow you'll be back again.
Getting shot all over again, so take it easy.
Well, I'm a runnin' down the halls, tryin' to answer my calls,
got a world of trouble on my mind.
Wishin' for just one day, when everyone stays OK,
That's too hard to find.
Take it easy; take it easy,
Doctor's orders. I'll keep you here 'til you go crazy.
Come on, laddie, you're hurt badly.
Why can't you just stay home instead of running madly?
Some of the female nurses start going "Ooooh ooho oooh oooh."
Oh, I don't got it easy,
You gotta take it easy.
McKay: A Scotsman singing southwestern country rock? Someone tell me how that makes sense...
Zelenka: Oh, nice singing by the way, doc.
Beckett: Why thank- You're SUPPOSED to be unconscious!
Zelenka: Right.
He falls back to the ground.
Zelenka: I'm unconscious now.
Beckett grumbles and dumps him into the puddlebox.
Zelenka: Ooof!
Beckett: I hope he has the gene...
McKay: You know he doesn't Beckett.
Beckett: Yeah, well.
Sheppard: You'd, uh, better get back to Atlantis. There's a, uh…surgery or something.
Beckett: Right.
McKay: So, we need to search this planet for usable ZedPMs—
Sheppard: It's ZPM.
McKay: What?
Sheppard: You said ZedPM. It's supposed to be Zee. ZPM.
McKay: No, it's Zed.
Ford: Actually, I think its 'Zee.'
McKay calls backstage: Grodin, help me out on this!
Grodin sticks his head out: Yes, it's 'Zed.'
Beckett also comes onstage: Aye, laddies. 'Zed.'
McKay: Ha! Three against two!
Sheppard: They don't count! They're not on this planet!
Weir walks onstage: 'Zee.'
Sheppard: Hah!
McKay: Then she doesn't count either!
Sheppard: Doesn't matter! We're still winning!
McKay: On this planet, yes! But if we were in Atlantis you'd so lose!
Sheppard: Okay, fine. Everyone counts.
McKay, Grodin, Beckett: Zed.
Sheppard, Ford, Weir: Zee.
McKay, Grodin, Beckett: Zed!
Sheppard, Ford, Weir: Zee!
McKay, Grodin, Beckett: ZED!
Sheppard, Ford, Weir: ZEE!
Grodin: Britain was around long before America was. We spoke the language first. You Americans mauled it.
Beckett: Aye. We're right, you're wrong. Zed.
Sheppard: I can understand Beckett and Grodin saying 'Zed,' but why you, Rodney? Canada's closer to the US than to the UK.
McKay: I don't know, but the point is that Zed's right, Zee isn't.
Bates and Kavanaugh stick their heads out onstage: Zee.
Sheppard: Ha.
Grodin and Beckett muttering: Bloody Americans...
Weir: Now that that's settled, back to the script!
McKay: Right. We need to search this planet for a...ZED! PM.
Sheppard: Yes we must find a… ZEE! PM.
Teyla: Why don't we call it the 'Zero Point Module' and stop all the arguing?
McKay: You know I think that-
Weir: This is not a musical were we want to know what you think, is it?
Ford, McKay, Beckett, and Grodin look guilty. Sheppard looks thoughtful.
Sheppard: You know what I think? War… good God y'all…
what is it good fawr?
Absolutely nothing!
War, hunh,
What is it good fawr,
Absolutely nothing! Sing it again!
He struts across the stage in the Egyptian style 'dance.' He looks vaguely like a dying pigeon.
Weir: John!
Sheppard: Yup?
McKay doubles over laughing on the ground. Ford and Teyla look very scared.
Sheppard to McKay: Whaaat?
McKay: God, if I only had a video camera! I'd send that back to Earth!
Sheppard: This does not leave the planet!
He begins waving around his gun
Ford: Right, sir.
Teyla: Understood.
McKay is still rolling on the 'ground' laughing: Hehe…wouldn't President Hays love to know what his ranking military officer was— Sheppard kicks him in the gut Urk!
Sheppard: McKay, I swear, if I find this on the Internet—
McKay gets up: Point taken. Rather painfully, I might add.
Sheppard: Good. Pain builds character.
Weir: Yes, well, good luck searching for Zero Point Modules, or whatever the hell they're called. walks offstage
Sheppard: 'K, sure, whatever.
Ford: So, uh, where do we start?
Teyla: Let's search over here.
Bob the Wraith jumps out
All: BOB?
McKay: Wait. We already encountered the Wraith in this musical. This isn't fair
Bob: You slaughtered my kinsman, the one you know as 'Steve', before he could finish his song. Now I must sing my own song and then have my revenge on you pitiful excuses for intelligent life!
McKay: You're kidding me. The WRAITH get to sing AGAIN! Wait…how do they know any human music?
Weir: Apparently, one of them got a hold of one of the scientist's personal objects. A Rolling Stones CD.
She sticks her head out and begins walking back to the team.
McKay: No. NO. I can't believe it. A Wraith singing 'Can't Get No Satisfaction'?
Sheppard: Yeah. But it's not 'Satisfaction' he's singing. He actually does sound like Mick Jagger.
McKay: Granted, that's not too hard to accomplish but—
Ford: I don't really like the Rolling Stones.
Sheppard: That's because you're not old enough to appreciate them. By the way, what are you doing here, Elizabeth?
Weir: Oh, I just couldn't miss this. I saw the Stones in college. I really gotta see this.
bongo music comes in. Bob starts singing
Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a creature of wealth and taste
McKay: snorts Yeah, right
I've been asleep for a long, long year
Stole many a man's life and fate
And I was 'round when the Ancients
Whupped our asses at Atlantis
So we sunk the city
Into the sea 'cause we got pissed.
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is why I like to cause much pain.
I shall be all of your dooms
You cannot escape this certain fate
Culling humans on primitive worlds
I'm filled with spite and hate
I drove a Dart
Before the start
Of the Ancients War
Shot the ranks apart
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
What's puzzling you
Is why I like to cause much pain, oh yeah
Wraiths in background begin singing 'Who, Who'
I just won't die
How hard you try
Can't kill me at all
Bullets won't make me fall
I shouted out
"Tell us, where is this Earth place?"
So I could get
Earthlings to replace
Let me please introduce myself
I'm a Wraith of wealth and taste
And I laid tracks for the Hive ships
Which the Major wrecked, to our dismay.
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is why I like to cause much pain, oh yeah, get down, baby
Wraith comes out and plays nifty guitar solo
McKay: No. NO! Keith Richards in Wraith form comes out and does a guitar solo? What's next?
Sheppard: Judging by the way he just isn't dying, I think Keith Richards is a Wraith.
Teyla: I am uncertain as to whom this Keith Richards is. Tell me; is he on the expedition with us?
Weir: Wow. That Wraith's pretty good.
Ford: Where'd he get the guitar?
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
But what's confusing you
Is why I like to cause much pain.
Just as every marine makes a meal
And all the tech-geeks snacks
As I end this tale
Just call me a pain in the ass
Sheppard: Gladly.
'Cause I'll relentlessly attack
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy,
and some taste
Use all your well learned qualities
Or I'll suck your life to waist
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is why I like to cause much pain.
McKay: I have officially been scarred for life.
Ford: Ditto.
Sheppard: Can I pleeaasseee shoot him now?
Weir: No, we only agreed to let him sing if he gave us information about the Hive Ships.
Sheppard: Aw, man…
Bob: I SHALL EXACT MY REVENGE!
Bob is dragged offstage kicking and screaming by Weir and three other Marines while Sheppard, McKay, Ford and Teyla watch.
Sheppard: All in favor of saying there are no ZPMs and leaving the planet say 'aye.'
Everyone raises their hands: AYE!
All run for the jumperbox and pile in. We hear a 'thud'
McKay: Ow!
Zelenka: Sorry. Didn't mean to trip you.
Sheppard: Zelenka! What are you still doing here!
Zelenka: Beckett stuck me in the jumper and I can't fly it, remember?
Sheppard: Right. sighs> Okay, everyone back to Atlantis!
Box rises and flies jerkily off.
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