PLEASE FORGIVE US! (gets on knees) we're soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry for the awfully long wait, life got in the way, then we were both indisposed for a week on stage crew, which meant everyday after school until about ten-eleven-ish at night, again we're SOOOOOOOOO SORRY!

please tell us that this is good...


Act Three

The set changes slightly. It now looks vaguely like the Control Room.

Grodin: Incoming traveler! HEY! Incoming!

Tech: Someone lift the gate!

Tech 2: What?

Stage crew: LIFT UP THE GATE!

Tech 2: Right.

He pushes the gate back upright.

Tech 2: All done!

Several blue pieces of Saran wrap waver in the gate.

Grodin: Uh? What's with the Saran wrap?

Stage manager: Only thing we had.

Grodin: Let me, someone from the mess gave you it.

Stage manager: No comment.

We see a box of people appear on the other side of the gate.

McKay: Major? We're not gonna make it!

Sheppard: Shut up McKay.

Ford: I believe McKay is right sir. We're gonna smash into the gate.

Sheppard: Shut. Up.

All in the box lean back as Sheppard brings the puddlebox in through the gate, nearly

cutting their heads off.

Sheppard: See, I can drive this piece of-

In protest to the swear coming, the box drops like a stone from the air where they are hovering close to the top of the gate.

All: YAAAAAAAH!

Thud.

Sheppard: Ooooh…

McKay: Yup, there goes my knee, ow! And my back.

Ford: Stop complaining old man.

McKay: If I didn't hurt, I'd wring your neck. OW!

Teyla: That was rather uncomfortable.

Zelenka: Advisory for next time? Don't swear at a puddlebox.

Sheppard: Gee… thanks.

They unload.

Sheppard: Come on, we gotta get Zelenka to the infirmary.

Zelenka: What? Oh, right.

He goes limp.

Weir: Well that looked like fun.

McKay: Oh be quiet Lizbeth.

She grins.

Weir: Someone get Beckett!

Beckett: Here.

Ford: Don't come any…. Ew.

All block their noses.

Beckett: Sorry about that. Come on laddie, you're going to the infirmary.

Beckett picks Zelenka up. He leaves the stage. All stage crew block their noses.

Silence. Suddenly, Zelenka pops back onstage.

Sheppard: Wow. You recovered fast.

Zelenka: No, not really. I just couldn't stand being in the infirmary with Carson for any longer. He smells something awful.

Sheppard: Ah.

Zelenka: Rodney, we need to go calibrate the city's defense matrix.

McKay: We do? Oh, yes, the script.

Weir: And I…

She rolls up the sleeve of her jacket revealing her lines written in black permanent marker all over her arm. She quickly scans her arm and finds the line.

Weir: I need to go read the reports from Sgt. Bates' last mission. Gee, how creative.

The two scientists and Weir run offstage, leaving Sheppard, Ford and Teyla alone. Sheppard coughs awkwardly at the silence.

Sheppard: Soo…

Teyla: Do you desire to make conversation, Major Sheppard?

Sheppard: Um…that'd be nice. Teyla, do the Athosians listen to music at all?

Teyla: Why yes, of course we do. We are also quite fond of…

Ford: Really? Like what?

Teyla: I believe you Earthlings know it as "70's pop."

She turns to the band and motions for them to hit it. They begin to play Michael

Jackson's "Thriller." Elizabeth hears the music and walks onstage.

Weir: And to think I actually liked this song…

Teyla begins moonwalking.

Sheppard: Wow. I wish I could moonwalk.

John attempts moonwalking, but ends up just shuffling and lurching backwards.

Weir: Urgh. Michael Jackson. Who listens to Michael Jackson?

Sheppard: Good question.

Ford coughs.

Sheppard: Ford.

Ford: What, sir?

Sheppard: Would you like to tell me something?

Ford: Er, not at all sir.

Weir: You like MICHAEL JACKSON!

Ford: You're all too old to appreciate him!

All shut up.

Cut to the room with the chair. McKay and Zelenka are fiddling around with gizmos and the like. Enter Carson.

Beckett to Zelenka: There ye are! I've been searching all over for ye!

Zelenka: Really.

He walks over to McKay and whispers something in McKay's ear. They both begin grinning, laughing evilly and rubbing their hands together. Beckett doesn't notice.

Beckett: Do you realize the potential side effects you could have by waling around with a concussion? I mean there's-

McKay and Zelenka stalk up behind Beckett. Beckett turns around.

Beckett: What are you doing?

McKay: Oh, nothing.

Beckett turns around and walks away. McKay follows while Zelenka runs over to a keypad on the wall. He pushes some buttons and all the doors close, trapping Beckett in the room.

Beckett: What's this, laddies?

McKay: We need you to get in the chair.

Beckett: What for?

Zelenka and McKay exchange looks.

Zelenka: A, um...experiment.

Beckett: There's no bloody way I'm sitting in that chair!

McKay and Zelenka surround Beckett.

McKay: Get in the chair.

Beckett: No!

Zelenka: What's wrong with you?

Beckett: I hate that thing and you know it!

McKay sighs impatiently.

McKay: It's fake.

Zelenka: It is?

McKay: Yes. It. Is.

Beckett: That's not fake laddie.

McKay: Carson, get in that chair now, or else.

Beckett: Or else what?

McKay: Or else Kavanaugh will sing horribly.

Beckett folds his arms.

Beckett: No.

Zelenka: That's it...

The scientists tackle him. Beckett manages to wiggle out and makes a run for the door. Zelenka jumps in front of the door; Beckett turns around and faces Rodney. Carson runs to the side, behind the chair. Zelenka steps in front of the chair. Becket takes a step to the left, Zelenka follows. McKay sneaks up behind and trips Beckett.

Beckett: Ooof!

Zelenka: Grab him!

McKay drags a kicking and screaming Beckett over to the chair. He whips out a roll of duct tape and ties Carson to the chair and tapes his hands to the arms of the chair.

Zelenka puts a strip of tape over Beckett's mouth.

Zelenka: Ha! We did it!

McKay: Pay up, Major!

Sheppard walks in and sees Beckett taped to the chair.

Sheppard: You taped him there!

McKay proudly: Yup! You owe us each 10 bucks!

Sheppard: I said you needed to get him in the chair, not force him!

McKay: You never said that!

Zelenka: We're allowed to tape him!

Sheppard: Forget it. I'm not paying.

Sheppard walks out.

Beckett: Mmrprh Shepmmrph! Hurph me!

McKay: Oh shut up.

Sheppard, Ford, Weir, and Teyla all walk in.

Zelenka: So did you change your mind?

Sheppard: Nah, I just thought everyone else would like to see the good doctor duct taped to the Chair.

Beckett: Yuugh liille-

John walks up and rips the tape off of Carson's mouth. He screams.

Beckett: Bloody hell! What do ye think-

Sheppard: Don't make me regret taking that off.

Carson shuts up. Sheppard rips off the rest of the duct tape and Beckett scampers. The rest of them just stand there.

Sheppard: Well?

McKay: Well, what?

Sheppard: Get back to work!

Zelenka: Right. Sure.

Weir: Sooo…have you discovered how to get home yet?

McKay: Not exactly.

Weir mutters: Figures.

Sheppard: What?

Weir: Nothing. Keep um, "working." On your "laptops."

McKay and Zelenka look at their 'laptops.'

Zelenka: More cardboard?

Stage manager yelling: Budget cuts!

Ford yells back.

Ford: With no budgets!

Stage manager: Right.

McKay "types" and hums. All goes silent.

McKay: All across the universe…

Ford: I'm not a fan of that song.

Sheppard: That's because you can't appreciate Let It Be. Jai guru daya.

All adults except Ford: Oooooom!

The room rumbles.

McKay: Okay then. How about another from Let It Be?

Ford: Fine.

Sheppard suggests innocently: "I Me Mine"?

McKay: Ha ha, very funny. How about "Two of Us"?

Zelenka: Ooh! I like that one!

McKay: You know the Beatles!

Zelenka looks indignant.

Zelenka: Of course I do.

Sheppard: Ooh fun!

Grodin comes out playing the solo guitar piece for the beginning of the song. All stare in wonder.

Zelenka and McKay break out into Two of Us - the revised version.

Two of us gating nowhere

Spending Atlantis'

Rare energy

Two of us Sunday sweating

Keep on working

For our gate back home

We're trying to get home

We're trying to get home

We're going home

Two of us sending postcards

Recording letters

Through the gate

You and me burning jumpers

Typing madly

For our gate back home
We're trying to get home

We're trying to get home

We're going home


You and I have problems

Longer than the one that stretches out ahead


Two of us underappreciated

'Cause no one gets our

High IQ

You and me typing on laptops

Getting nowhere

On our way back home

We wanna get home

We're trying to go home
We're going home

You and I have intelligence

Higher than the average military grunt

Two of us scanning planets

Trying to find

A ZPM

You and me typing on laptops

Getting nowhere

On our way back home

We wanna get home

We're trying to go home

We're going home


We're going home

I don't believe it!


Do doo dododo do doo
.

Sheppard: Wow, McKay. You sung. And it wasn't even in the script!

McKay: I--wait, hold on...

Ford: You're enjoying this, aren't you?

McKay: No, I'm not! I just...like the Beatles, that's all!

Sheppard: Uh-huh. Suuurrree...

McKay: Really!

Sheppard: Well, don't think you're off the hook. You're still going to have to sing later.

McKay: Yeah, well--you are too!

Sheppard: Please, don't remind me. You didn't do your song yet either, Ford.

Ford: I don't sing, sir.

Sheppard: I need not remind you that I outrank you, Lieutenant. If I have to sing, so do you.

Weir: Rodney, you also need to sing your real song.

McKay: Can I get a stunt double?

Weir: You don't get a stunt double in a musical.

McKay: An understudy, then?

Sheppard and Weir: No.

McKay: Damn.

Sheppard: Hey! Let's go to the mess.

McKay: Sounds good, I'm starving. After all, somebody almost put me in anaphylactic shock at the intermission…

Zelenka: I'm going to…stay behind. To work.

McKay whispers to Zelenka: Good idea. I think Sheppard has a song here.

All but Zelenka head off for the mess.

Sheppard: Ya know, since earlier those two Wraiths showed, I'm gonna go check the city.

Weir: Okay whatever.

McKay: Go.

They all walk off stage.

Sheppard sneaks off. He begins aiming his P-90 everywhere and rolling across the stage.

Sheppard: Dun dun dadada, dun dun…. Doodoodoooooo do do do, doit! Dadadada…daadada, da da!

Weir in the intercom: John? Have you been watching Mission: Impossible recently?

He stops singing.

Sheppard: Noooooo…

McKay: Right.

John looks over a balcony.

Sheppard: WAAH!

Ford: Sir, what is it?

Sheppard: Well Ford, I'm hanging from a 100 foot balcony, that's all.

Ford to Weir: We have 100 foot balconies?

Sheppard: YES!

McKay: Mmmm

Sheppard: Where are you guys?

Teyla: Mess. Duh.

Sheppard: I need rescuing!

McKay and Ford: Mmmmmm…. Tuuuuuna.

Teyla: And coffee!

Sheppard: Help you guys! HELP!

McKay: Nah, this stuff is good.

Weir smiles, she read the script.

Weir: I'm coming to save you John!

Sheppard grins, he read it too.

Sheppard: Come quickly you guys!

Teyla: This is really good.

Weir runs across the stage and Sheppard drops from the balcony.

Sheppard: Nice catch 'Lizbeth.

All clap. The band breaks out into Motown.

Sheppard: You rescued me

Oh you have me in your arms

You rescued me

I want your leader skills

'Coz we're lonely and ocean's blue

I needed you and your help too

Come on, you rescued me

Come on McKay and rescue me

Come on Ford and rescue me

'Coz I needed you, by my side

Can't you see I was hangin'

Rescued me

Come on and take my fall

Take Atlantis and conquer every part

'Coz we're lonely and ocean's blue

I needed you and your help too

Come on you rescued me

Come on Teyla and rescue me

Come on Ford and rescue me

'Coz I needed you by my side

Can't you see I was hangin


Rescued me

Oh catch me in your arms

Ya rescued me

We need your great skills

'Coz we're lonely and ocean's blue

I needed you and your help too

Come on you rescued me

Come on McKay, help me Ford, save me Teyla, saved me Weir

Can't you see that I needed you all?

Couldn't you hear I'm hangin

Rescued me

Come on and break my fall

Come on Weir and save my ass

Cuz I needed you cuz I was fallin'

Can't you see that we're lonely?

In the universe

Help me guys

Needed you guys

Can't you see I was hangin'?

You rescued me, rescued me...

McKay stalks on stage.

McKay: You sung.

Blatant awe.

Ford: He did.

Teyla: Wow.

Ford: Nice job sir.

Sheppard and Weir smile again.

Sheppard: Thank you.

Weir: I love you.

Sheppard: Love you too.

McKay: But Lizbeth! I love you!

Weir smiles.

Weir: Dream on, dream on, dream on, dream until your girl comes true…

McKay pouts. Some cute girl hops on stage.

Sheppard: See McKay, your wishes have been fulfilled.

McKay: Yup! She even looks like Carter.

McKay goes with her.

Weir: I love scripts.

Ford and Teyla appear on stage.

Ford: Hey, where's McKay?

Sheppard and Weir smile.

Weir: With a girl.

Ford: Oh.

Teyla: Hold on.

Teyla stalks off stage and comes back.

Ford: Hello McKay, I hear you've been having some fun.

McKay: Mmm.

He's covered in lipstick.

Teyla snickers.

Teyla: That is suffice to say lieutenant

Dr. Kate Heightmeyer, the psychologist, walks out.

Heightmeyer: Rodney, I thought we were going out!

McKay: Er…

Ford laughs: Well this is awkward!

McKay is slapped by Heightmeyer. She storms off. The other girl walks up to Rodney and also slaps him. Sheppard, Ford, Weir, and Teyla are rolling on the ground laughing.

McKay sounds like he's gonna cry: I hate this act!

Sheppard: You deserved it.

McKay: Sure I did, Mister "Oh, let's-go-back-to-Proculus-so-I-can-get-some!"

Sheppard: I did not do that!

McKay: Did so.

Sheppard: I went back because they needed help!

Ford: But if they had that weapon thing, then what were you doing on that planet for so long?

John fidgets. Elizabeth glares at him.

Weir: I think we're through, Major Sheppard.

Sheppard: But Elizabeth, I-

She walks off stage.

McKay pumps his arm: Yessss! There's hope yet!

Weir sticks her head back out onstage: Don't count on it, Rodney.

McKay kicks the ground: Drat.

End Act 3