ah yes... another... MHAHAHAHA! lol... glad you all enjoyed the show so much! see you in Season Two!
a big thanks from seanait and nightpheonix
and now... Act 5
The audience has not left yet. The curtain opens. The four team members are still standing there. They all look around.
Sheppard: Why is the curtain opening?
Teyla: I believe we finished the script. We have no more.
Ford calls backstage: Hey! Why are the curtains open? Why are they still here?
Weir: Well, apparently the musical was a smash hit!
McKay: "Smash hit?"
Weir: Er...well, the audience liked all the ad-libbed slapstick...
Sheppard: What "ad-libbed slapstick?"
Weir: Alright, they just liked to see all of you embarrass the hell out of yourselves. Most of them brought cameras and video recorders. They plan to sell the tapes on eBay.
Ford: Isn't that illegal? Can't you arrest them for pirating the musical or something!
Weir: Yes, I could, but I have this great video of Rodney getting slapped in Act 3. It's pure gold!
McKay: Way to make me feel loved, Lizbeth.
Weir: No problem. Anyway, due to popular demand, you guys are doing another act.
Sheppard: Whoa! We didn't agree to this!
Weir: So?
Teyla: We do not even have scripts.
A pile of folders are thrown onstage. Everyone picks one up and begins leafing through it.
Sheppard: I would never say that! Hell, I don't even know what "coruscating astuteness" means!
Teyla: I do not believe this script is accurate, Dr. Weir.
McKay: "Accurate?" Screw "accurate!" Holy crap, this is terrible! It looks like Kavanaugh wrote it when he was high on caffeine or something!
Stage manager: Er, that about sums it up...
McKay drops his script: You're. Kidding. Me.
Weir: Well, he volunteered...
McKay: And you let him?
Weir: No one else would-
Sheppard: Because we all hate it!
Weir: Too bad. You're doing it and that's final. Consider it an order.
Sheppard, Ford and McKay: But, but, but-!
Weir: Or else.
All shut up. Weir leaves.
Sheppard: Okay, because I value my life more than my pride, let's get started.
Silence.
Ford: Who has the first line?
McKay mutters: I do.
Sheppard: Well say it then!
McKay: No.
Ford: Come on.
McKay: No. I'll never say it.
Sheppard: Hey, it can't be that bad. I'm going to have to talk about "coruscating astuteness."
McKay: That's nothing.
Teyla: What could possibly be so horrible that you cannot say it, Dr. McKay?
Rodney shoves his script in everyone else's faces. They look at it. Their mouths gape.
Sheppard: Oh my God!
Ford: That is LOW!
Teyla: You are most certainly justified in your refusal to say the line.
McKay yells backstage: Hear that Lizbeth? I don't have to say it!
She walks onstage.
Weir: Alright, let me see it. (McKay hands her the script. She reads it and her jaw drops) Why that little- Rodney, you don't have to say anything!
McKay pumps his arm. Suddenly, Kavanaugh hops out onstage.
Kavanaugh: Oh, yes you do!
McKay: Nope. Dr. Weir said so. She can over rule you. Besides, I outrank you anyway, and I'm smarter!
Kavanaugh: Ha! You may have a higher position than I do, but what you don't have is a naquadah-enhanced warhead directly under the stage!
McKay: And you do?
Kavanaugh takes out a detonator: As a matter of fact, yes.
McKay: ..oh.
Kavnaugh: Say it.
McKay: Death before surrender!
Sheppard: Nice, McKay. Very heroic.
Ford: Yeah. Never knew you had it in yourself.
McKay: You'd be surprised what I'd do when it comes down to Kavanaugh.
Kavanaugh: Well in that case, I'll just have to...(he makes as it to push the detonate button)
Sheppard and Weir: No! Wait!
Kavanaugh, evilly: Make McKay say the line.
Sheppard: You'd better, Rodney.
Weir: The psycho'll blow us all to Kingdom Come.
McKay: Let him. He probably didn't even build it right.
Weir: True, but I'm not willing to take that risk.
McKay: Elizabeth, you're not going to make me-
Sheppard: All our lives are at stake here, McKay.
Ford: Oh God. We're screwed.
Weir: Please. For Atlantis.
McKay: I don't care!
Weir: Say it, Rodney.
McKay: No! I refuse!
Kavanaugh waves the detonator back and forth threateningly.
Teyla: Doctor McKay, if you do not say the line, which I agree is horrible, then you will not be able to…(she whispers something in his ear)
McKay laughs evilly: Oh, that's good. I would love to do that!
Teyla: Then say the line.
McKay looks conflicted: Oh, alright. (He whispers unintelligibly.)
Kavanaugh: I can't heeeeaaar youuuuuu…
McKay mumbles something.
Kavanaugh: Louder!
McKay flatly: "Oh no. The situation is hopeless due to… (he pauses and cringes) my complete incompetence." There, I said it.
Kavanaugh: Finish it!
McKay: No! That's as far as I'll go!
Sheppard: Please? He still has an armed nuke under our feet!
Teyla: Remember what we talked about, Doctor.
McKay smirks at the thought of what he will do afterwards, then takes a deep breath in and says very quickly: "Kavanaugh is the smartest, best scientist in Atlantis, and probably the universe, and I couldn't hold a candle up to him."
The audience gasps. Kavanaugh smirks and begins to walk off stage.
Kavanaugh: Good. Now keep going, because my entrance is soon.
Everyone groans. McKay looks like he is about to cry. Suddenly, water starts falling from the ceiling
McKay: Oh, great. It's raining. Inside. Again.
Teyla: I thought the hurricanes were only supposed to happen every 20 years.
Stage manager: Sorry 'bout that.
Ford sarcastically: Did our budget increase enough so we can have 2 storms every 20 years?
Stage manager: No, not really, we're just having a problem with the sprinkler system at the moment. Which is malfunctioning because of lack of maintenance. Which is the result of--
Ford flatly: Budget cuts.
Weir: We have a sprinkler system?
Stage manager: Ummm...
Sheppard: Well, at least this time it's only 'raining'.
Kavanaugh walks out onstage: Y'know what I like to do when it rains?
McKay flatly: No. And we don't want to.
Kavanaugh: Oh, Mister Sun, sun, Mister Golden Sun, please shine down on meee...
McKay: Sheppard. Gimmie your gun.
Sheppard cautiously: Whyyyyy...
McKay: You know very damn well why. I'm gonna shoot the bastard to Kingdom Come for once and for all.
Ford: Geez, McKay. I never knew you could be so...violent.
McKay: Yeah, well, peace goes out the window when it comes to Kavanaugh singing.
Weir: As much as I agree with you, I'm going to have to say you can't do that.
McKay: Oh, come on!
Weir: Sorry, Rodney.
McKay: You can't tell me that you really don't want to shoot him for that!
Weir: Oh, believe me...
Sheppard: We'd all like to shoot Kavanaugh.
Teyla: But we cannot.
McKay: I don't care if he is a genius, which he's not! I'll shoot 'im anyway!
Sheppard mutters to Weir: The same could be said about a certain Chief Scientific Advisor...
McKay: What was that, Sheppard?
Sheppard: Absolutely nothing.
McKay: Well, if no one's gonna give me a gun...
Kavanaugh finish his song and exits. Rodney looks at Teyla, who nods. McKay glares after Kavanaugh with an evil smirk on his face.
McKay: Excuse me, I'll be right back. Keep going without me. (He also walks offstage)
Sheppard to Weir: Shouldn't we-?
Weir: Just as long as he doesn't get caught.
Sheppard nods. Right. So, as we were saying...
Silence.
Ford: It's McKay's line, sir.
Sheppard: Oh.
Suddenly we hear an "Aieee!" The scream gets softer and softer. A loud splash and then silence. Rodney walks back, looking very proud of himself. The crowd is silent for a few seconds, then they all give him a standing ovation. McKay and Teyla give each other the thumbs up, then he turns, basks in the applause and bows several times. The clapping slowly dies down.
Weir harshly: Rodney!
McKay: Yes?
Sheppard: Did you just chuck Kavanaugh off a balcony.
McKay: Fifth Amendment.
Weir: No argument there. (aside to Rodney) No chance of finding a body? No witnesses?
McKay whispers to Weir: None.
Weir: Good man. (she turns to the audience) It appears Dr. Kavanaugh is missing. If anyone sees him, tell him he's in big trouble for not reporting back when he was supposed to.
All: Understood, ma'am.
Weir: Good. Your line, Rodney.
McKay: Alright. Ahem. (He reads over the script, and then turns to Weir) Elizabeth, since Kavanaugh wrote this, how 'bout we just make this up as we go along?
Weir, clearly not listening: Fine, sure, whatever. (she walks offstage)
Sheppard, McKay, Teyla, and Ford turn to each other.
McKay: Hey remember that one time on that planet?
Sheppard rolls his eyes: Which planet?
Ford: I think I know which he is talking about.
Ford sighs.
Teyla: I believe I know which planet he speaks of as well.
Sheppard: Which!
McKay: The one where I saved the day! (smug)
Sheppard: You did not!
McKay: Are you trying to usurp me major!
Sheppard: I don't think so… but you didn't save the day!
McKay: Yes. I. DID!
Sheppard: As I recall you were running for your life.
McKay: No way! I was running to open the gate and save you all.
Sheppard: But you fell and broke your leg and couldn't run!
McKay: But it wasn't really broken, just twisted, so I could run!
Sheppard: Then you got shot by a Wraith!
McKay: But they missed!
Sheppard: Then they shot you and didn't miss!
McKay: But I was only stunned for a few seconds because I got hit in the arm!
Sheppard: Then you tripped and gave yourself a concussion!
McKay: But I was wearing the personal shield so I was unhurt!
Sheppard: Then you caught the flu and pneumonia and had to be bedridden for three weeks!
McKay: But that didn't matter, because I kept going anyway!
Ford: Then I came along and shot all the Wraith with my P-90!
Sheppard: But before you could, you ran out of ammo and had to go back for more!
Teyla: Then I whacked all of the Wraith over the head with my sticks and killed them all!
McKay: So I kept going!
Weir sticks her head out onstage and yells angrily: Then I showed up, told you all to shut the hell up, and kicked all your asses back to Atlantis!
She leaves. All are silent.
Sheppard: Sooo…..
McKay: Yup?
Ford: Now what?
Teyla: Script anyone?
They all shuffle through their papers.
Sheppard: Who's next?
McKay: I think… it's Elizabeth's turn.
Weir, sticks head out: What!
Sheppard: McKay thinks it's your turn…. And what's with the cucumber eyes?
Weir, peels them off: These? I was taking a BREAK! I don't have enough of them…
Ford: Mam… go wipe the green stuff off too…
Weir: Yeah yeah yeah… hold on.
They wait.
Sheppard: That was weird.
Teyla: Indeed it was major.
Grodin: Incoming traveler!
Sheppard and Weir: What!
Grodin: Just kidding! I was… moving the plot line along…
McKay: Hmmf….
Ford: As long as it's not Bates' team…
Weir: God, it takes too long for us to keep saying 'Sheppard's team" and "Bates' team." We need code names like the SGC does.
Sheppard: Y'know, we are called AT-1.
Weir: Gah...it's too complicated!
Sheppard: Why isn't SG-1 too complicated?
Weir: Because it makes sense. StarGate team 1. It's logical.
Sheppard: Atlantis Team 1. No less logical.
Weir: It's just not the same.
McKay: She's right, y'know.
Ford: Let's make it simple. Let's call ourselves A-1, Bates' team can be A-2, etc.
Sheppard: 'A-1?' I don't wanna be named after a steak sauce!
McKay: Mmmm…. Steak….
Ford, disgusted: Do you ever stop thinking about food?
McKay: It's my life line!
Sheppard, mutter: And your life…
McKay: What was that?
Sheppard: Oh nothing…
Ford and Teyla snicker.
McKay: Whaaat!
Sheppard: Nothing!
Silence, then a general rustling of pages.
Ford: So…
Sheppard: Yup…
Teyla: Are we not all supposed to sing a song?
McKay: Something like that…
Sheppard: Hey, I'll make a fool out of my self if people do it with me.
Ford: What's the song?
Sheppard: (looks) Dirty Water by Boston.
Ford: OOH! I love that song! But I don't think it's by Boston…
Sheppard: Its not?
Ford: I don't know sir.
Sheppard: Ah… well… someone will tell us… eventually.
McKay: Let's get this over with…
Teyla: Indeed… let us.
Sheppard: Okaaaay…
(deep breath) I'm gonna tell you a story
I'm gonna tell you
about my place
I'm gonna tell you a big bad story, baby
Aww,
it's all about my place
All: Yeah, down by the
ocean
Down by the banks of the big, blue sea (aw, that's what's
happenin' baby)
That's where you'll find me
Along with friends,
enemies and thieves (aw, but they're cool people)
Well I love that
nice, clean water
Oh, 'lantis, you're my home (oh, you're the
Number One place)
Frustrated scientists (I mean they're
frustrated)
Have to be done by twelve o'clock (oh, that's a
shame)
But I'm wishin' and a-hopin, oh
That just once those
doors weren't locked (I'd like some time to save the world
again)
Well I love that sparkin' water
Oh, 'lantis, you're
my home (oh, yeah)
Because I love that nice, clean water
Oh,
oh, 'lantis, you're my home (oh, yeah)
Well, I love that big
blue water (I love it, baby)
I love that nice, clean water (I love
'Lantis)
I love that sparking water (Have you heard the
hurricaning?)
I love that nice, clean water (Come on, come on) fade
Loud applause from the audience.
McKay: Well that was fun. (beams)
Sheppard: Actually… yeah!
Teyla: Mmm…
Ford: HEY! Look, that was the last song! And the last line!
Sheppard: Sweet! So… no more musical, for real this time!
Ford whoops and McKay pumps his arm.
Teyla: So it would seem major.
McKay: Let's go!
They walk away, but Weir bumps into them.
Weir: There's no hope for… humanity!
Sheppard, Ford, Teyla, McKay: What?
Weir, raises her first finger: There's no hope for humanity!
Ford: Oh?
Weir stumbles and they catch her.
Sheppard, sternly: Elizabeth?
Weir, grins: Yesss…?
Teyla: You are slurring your words Dr. Weir.
McKay: Any reason?
Weir: Ummm…. Nope!
Ford: Hmm… well, it seems the musical goes on…
Sheppard, McKay, Teyla: Ah, shut up.
A hand held device pops out of the floor near Weir. They all stare at it then at John conspicuously.
Sheppard: Whaaat!
McKay: What was that?
Ford: What were you thinking about sir?
Sheppard, blushes: How to get in touch with Beckett…
Beckett: Here!
He takes a step forward and they step back one. He cocks an eyebrow.
Beckett: I don smell an'more.
Ford: Uh huh…
Sheppard: Just here quickly.
Beckett runs to Weir, takes her pulse and other things… including a blood sample.
Weir, glazed over eyes and silly grin: Ow!
Beckett: Jus' a wee little sting.
Weir: Thaaank 'ou doc'or…
Beckett: No problem.
Sheppard: Lemme guess…. Drunk?
Beckett: Right you are major. Dr. Weir has been profusely drinking.
McKay, mutters: That's a heck of a hangover…
Beckett, nods solemnly: Aye.
Weir: FLY!
All: Huh?
Weir: FLY MAN FLY!
Ford: She's totally lost it…
Sheppard: What in Atlantis did you have!
Weir: (hic) Lotsa… (hic) beear… (hic).
Beckett: What kind?
Weir: Hehehe…. (hic) Vodka!
All: AWWW MAAN….
Sheppard: That ain't beer!
McKay, thinks: Hmmm… I wonder if it was Kavanaugh's secret batch…
Sheppard: Kavanaugh drank?
McKay: Heck yeah!
Weir, giggly: Nopes!
Ford: How about Bates' batch?
Weir: Hehehehe! NO!
Teyla: Grodin's?
All stare at Teyla in awe.
Sheppard: What!
Ford: Grodin has a store?
Teyla, blushes: Quite large actually… 100 bottles…
Weir: (hic) Ding ding! Yays! Poin's ta Tewyla!
Beckett: Who would 'ave guessed?
Grodin, offstage: I do not!
Teyla: Petty slander…
She walks over and raps him with her sticks. Thud.
Ford: Teyla!
Teyla: Yes?
Ford: Nothin…
Sheppard: Well great, we got a completely stoned…
Weir: Druuuuunkk…
Sheppard: Whatever… a completely drunk commander… what's next?
A Wraith conga line with fuzzy pom-poms dances across the stage singing the Macarena. The pink sparkly pom-poms seem to calm Weir down… or rather please her.
Weir claps her hands: YAY!
All others just stare.
Ford: Wtf?
McKay and Sheppard: No kidding…
Beckett: Well… tha' was… odd…
Weir, in deeper voice: Aye… HEHEHEHEHEHE!
Sheppard: Good lord… I think this calls for another ride in the Puddlebox.
Ford: no.
Teyla: No.
McKay: NO!
Beckett: Do we have to?
Sheppard, grimaces: I'm afraid so…
The puddlebox slides across the stage and stops in front of Sheppard.
Beckett: Load 'er up. Carefully now!
Teyla: Ah heck with it.
She drops Weir with a thud.
Sheppard: Teyla… that was violent.
Teyla, sweetly: Who me!
She bats her eyelashes at hime.
McKay: Aww… how sweet!
Sheppard: Shut up and get in…. all of ya!
They load the flying fridge box. Sheppard tries to find the controls again and the box rises very shakily. McKay falls out.
McKay: Ouch…
Weir: I'm a-comin!
She jumps out and lands on McKay.
McKay: Aw… shit! (groans loudly)
Sheppard: Oh NO! McKay's been hurt!
Teyla: That's okay…
She pulls John aside and they fall heavily to the bottom of the puddlebox.
Beckett: Laddie! What are ye doing?
He shields his eyes and guides the box to the ground and drags it off stage.
The crowd bursts out into wolf whistles and applause.
Loud crew member: McWeir, Sheyla!
Crowd: MCWEIR, SHEYLA! WOOHOO!
Zelenka pops next to Beckett: Heck… what spawned this?
Beckett: I dun know…
Zelenka: Think we should pull them off stage?
Beckett: Aye…. The audience is having too much fun…
The two drag the drunk Weir, flattened McKay and the love-stricken Sheppard and Teyla off stage along with the puddle-fridge-box-jumper.
Sheppard, offstage: I'm good!
McKay, offstage: Me two!
The crowd cheers once more.
The curtain closes, the audience leaves. A minute later, the curtain opens again, revealing two lone girls standing on stage, clutching notebooks.
Nightpheonix: (coughs) Sooo, Seanait...
Seanait: Yeah?
Nightpheonix: Sup?
Seanait: Not much. You?
Nightpheonix: Yeah, same, same.
Both nod. Silence.
Nighpheonix: So we're done the musical.
Seanait: Yup. (pause) Ready to write one for season 2?
Nightpheonix: Hell yeah!
Both make as if to run offstage. Hearing the conversation, John, McKay, and Zelenka come out and stop the writers in their tracks.
Sheppard: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Season 2 musical?
McKay: We never agreed to another musical!
Zelenka: We didn't even agree to this one!
Seanait: Well that's just too bad, isn't it?
Nightpheonix teasing: You can't do anything about it!
Sheppard: That's it!
John whips out his P-90 and aims it at the fic writers. Seanait opens her notebook and begins scribbling madly. Suddenly, Sheppard's gun turns into a banana.
Sheppard: What the-!
Zelenka: They can't do that! They're bending reality, causing rents in the space-time continuum!
McKay: Alright then!
Rodney takes out his own 9 mil.
Nightpheonix: Quick! Keep writing!
Seanait writes some more, and the 9 mm disappears and Rodney is suddenly duct taped to a chair.
Sheppard: Oh no...
Zelenka: Zatracený!
Sheppard, McKay, and Zelenka: WE'RE BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY FANFICTION AUTHORS!
Seanait and Nightpheonix laugh manically.
The end...or is it!
