Letters
A/N Another one shot!
Disclaimer: Yeah, tv show owner fits into my schedule, right between badminton practice, homework, and fan fic writing. hahaha I wish!
Summary: It's so much easier to write a letter and not give it to the person it's meant for.
Dear Ray,
Hi, it's Lily. Do you still remember me? Do you have time for that girl who used to be your best friend, your soulmate, and almost was your girlfriend? I guess you don't have time anymore, you don't have time to notice that you broke my heart. I guess I deserve it though, I broke yours a long time ago and I can't begin to say how sorry I am for it.
I don't try and hurt you, it's just all so confusing knowing that you're not there anymore. It's almost impossible for me to comprehend that you won't be there chasing after me with a can of whipped cream, bringing me flicorice when I'm recooperating from a silly crush, or trying to help me conquer my stage fright. You don't have time for your best friend, or am I still your best friend? Somehow I don't think I am.
But I'll tell you something funny, that will probably make you laugh at me, if you've got time for that that is. Today I was meditating. Yeah, I'm totally serious. I kind of picked it up from Travis when he was trying to help me get over a certain best friend I'd fallen in love with. That's a whole other story though so I won't get into that. Well anyways I was meditating and I was trying to clear my mind of all thought like Travis always told me to. I tried to be calm but I couldn't because every time I closed my eyes little memories flashed in front of my eyes. Once I could no longer see all the real things around me, once I'd blocked out reality, all these memories came back. Kind of like a little movie playing in my head. Except I couldn't press stop, or even pause it. It just kept going.
I know you're going to ask me what memories were there. I probably wouldn't tell you but I will since you've probably guessed already. That's how well you know me, or knew me that is. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see you. Pictures of you as the little boy who squished my hamster, teased me about my nightlight and my thumbsucking, and was convinced I had cooties. There were also little memories stashed in a folder entitled "the good old days" as I remembered you eating lupper with me in the cafeteria, complimenting my first performance at Mickey's, and pulling my braids like a little kid.
But the thing that kept playing over and over was a moment I'd memorized long ago, one that comes back to haunt me when I shut out reality and let the memories in. Actually it was two memories.
The first memory was of that day when Veronica broke up with you. It was a day of mixed feelings, back when I was still in denial. Looking back on that moment when we kissed at Mickey's it makes me sad. It makes me wonder how you can kiss another girl like Grace and not remember that. Maybe you do, how should I know. But I also know that you'd be too stubborn to tell me if you did, you'd let me figure it out for myself. That kiss reminds me of when I was so "innocent", not just me, you too. It was back before all the drama with Travis, and we were both just trying to grasp the fact that we had crushes on the one person who we've known forever. The one friendship that you don't want to sacrifice for anything. The funny thing is that it ended up being sacrificed anyways in the end, but the crappy part is that we didn't get anything in return for that sacrifice, just a bunch of heartache and pain for me and a new girlfriend for you. I guess you did get something after all. The one thing that we were so afraid of back then doesn't really even matter now, it's too late and as much as I want to turn back time I can't. I just can't.
Do you remember Soundwave? Yeah, I know it was only a few weeks ago but do you remember that look you gave me? You had just kissed Grace and I'd just finished the last few notes of that song, you know, the one I wrote about you. I still wonder why I didn't sing the original lyrics. If I had maybe you wouldn't have given Grace that kiss, and me that look. I remember it so well, you looked back at me as I stood there in the crowd like an idiot watching as you made the decision of who's heart you wanted to break. You chose her, that's what hurts. You chose the girl that you'd known for a grand total of two weeks over me, and I know that it was probably out of fear but it still hurts to know that you didn't think I was worth overcoming that fear. And to answer what you've probably been wondering for awhile, I did see that apology that you had in your eyes. The thing is I don't really know if I can accept it yet. I don't hate you, I couldn't ever hate you, but you hurt me and it'll take awhile before we'll be able to "find time" for each other again.
So I guess this letter is a bit longer then I thought it would be. It took me my triple english period to write and I'm probably not going to even send it. Maybe one day I'll give it to you, or maybe I'll put it through my mom's paper shreader when I get home. That sounds like a good idea doesn't it. I can shread away all the pain and feeling that I poured into this little piece of battered loose leaf I ripped out of my notebook. I can shread away the messy penmanship and the W's that you once said looked like waves. You'll never read it, and I guess that's a good thing. You'll still pass me by in the hallways, giving me that blank emotionless "hello's" badly disguised with a goofy smile or joke, and you won't know the extent to which I care(d) for you.
Lily
A/N Now comes the part where you review!
