Chapter Eight - Hold On Hope
Invitation to the last dance
Then it's time to leave
But that's the price we pay
...When we deceive
One another/animal mother
She opens up for free
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing
That's holding me
-Guided By Voices "Hold On Hope"
Michael slowly let his hand run through Sydney's hair as she slept in his lap. She had fallen asleep an hour earlier, almost right after they decided to watch Die Hard next. They both agreed that it was the quintessential holiday movie and Bruce Willis walking barefoot over broken glass never got old. It was approaching midnight as Jules came through the door.
"Oh, hey guys, still u--" she started but was quickly hushed by Michael, who motioned that Sydney was asleep. Jules held her mouth shut, then smiled at the sight of her brother and Syd. They both looked so incredibly content. She didn't know what he was going to do when they had to move on...
No, I do. They're not going to move on. Plain and simple.
"Let her stay the night," Jules insisted as she took off her jacket and put it on the coat rack.
Michael shook his head adamantly. Jules could tell what he was thinking.
It's too dangerous. What else is new?
"How'd it go?" She asked, changing the subject as she made her way to the couch. Michael just smiled and raised his eyebrows.
"Niiiice," Jules said, gently nudging Michael's arm. "I better get to bed...I'm beat." She said as she walked toward the bedroom. "And atleast take her home, Mike. Don't make her go back alone."
Michael looked down at Syd's peaceful form, unsure about what he should do.
Screw consequences. Let her stay. No, make her stay. Here in your arms and don't let her leave. He told himself, yearning to feel Syd's touch once more. No! What are you talking about?! Screw the consequences?! Screw the consequences and get both her and you killed. And that's not gonna happen.
Michael knew adjusting to life as it used to be wouldn't be easy. But it's what they had to do. Until the Alliance had fallen and SD-6 was gone forever.
But God only knows how long that will take.
A part of him knew that he would never again be "Vaughn" in her eyes, and although they may not have shared a night of "love-making," they had still made a connection.
More than a connection...And there was no need to ruin everything with one night of hot, intense, passionate...
Whoa there. Whoa. There.
The fact of the matter was that their relationship was far deeper than simply an undeniable attraction, both phsyically and psycologically. It was so much more than that...
And even though all I want to do is tear off all of her clothes right here, right now, I won't. And I can't...Jules is in the other room, and seeing her brother having sex would probably scar her for life. No, it definately would scar her for life.
Michael decided that he had let his mind (mind meaning hormones, of course)run away with him. There was no need to think about the future. He still had the present to savor. So he quietly reached for the remote to turn the TV off, and the slight movement stirred Sydney, causing her to turn on her other side.
"Hhmmrphmm...Michael..." She mumbled, as Michael felt her hand slide under his shirt. He immediately tensed up, the shock of her skin against his overwhelming him.
Michael recovered quickly, knowing full well that Sydney had to get out of his place before it got too late. He placed his hand on Sydney's head softly.
"Syd...Sydney..." he whispered softly.
"Mmmmm...Michael...." Sydney moaned, rubbing her hand across his abdomen. Michael quickly reached under and pulled her hand out, knowing that he didn't want to let it get out of hand. Sydney gently woke up with the sudden movement. She rubbed her eyes sleepily and she was clearly disoriented. She looked over and saw that her head was resting on someone's lap. She let her eye's slowly wander up to their face, and she blushed with embarassment as she realized who it was.
"Good dream?" Michael asked slyly.
"Mmm...Very." Sydney said, sheepishly buring her face in the couch.
Michael smiled and let his hand run through her hair once more. He could feel Syd sigh, as he placed his hand where her shoulders met and she turned her face up to face him.
"What time is it?" She asked.
"12:07" Michael replied, completely lost in Sydney's presence once again.
"Oh God, I should really get out of here..." Sydney said, getting up frantically. Michael quickly got up and stopped her, grabbing her wrist for a moment.
"Wait," he said simply, lowering his voice so he wouldn't bother Jules, "I want to give you something..."
"No," Syd snapped, dampering Micahel's spirits.
"What?" He asked, heartbroken, and afraid that perhaps, she had changed her mind and decided the whole night was a big mistake.
"Bring it to my place in five minutes." She said playing with the seam of his t-shirt. "I have something to give you too, but I left it at home. I couldn't get anything for Jules and I thought it would be rude to give you something, but not her...Plus, it's kind of personal." She said, looking up at him shlyly.
Michael just smiled. It was strange for him to see Sydney like this.
Strange is good...strange is definately good.
"Okay," he responded with a grin. Suddenly realizing the suicidal nature of this little rendezvous, Michael spoke up. "Wait, won't this be really dangerous? Why don't you just bring it later?"
"No. Really, don't worry about it, my father's taken care of it."
"Jack?" Michael asked, genuinely confused. "He agreed to this?"
"Yeah," Syd said softly, remembering her conversation with Jack the day before at her house, "yeah he did."
*Christmas Eve*
"Michael? Michael as in Michael Vaughn?!" Jack asked incredulously.
Sydney took a deep breath and rubbed her forehead frustratedly. Sometimes she really wished she could just staple Francie's mouth shut.
I swear I could just...
"Sydney!" Jack whispered loudly. "Do you understand how dangerous this is?! There's absolutely no way I'm going to let you go through with this. And, as a matter of fact, there's no way I'm going to let Agent Vaughn be your handler. He has let his emotions cloud his judgment, and it's too dangerous to let that happen, especially when your life rests in his hands. I understand that you two have...'feelings' about each other...but he should have the sense to know what boundries cannot be crossed. No matter what." Jack stopped his pacing and turned to face Syd directly. "No matter what."
"Dad, no." Syd said quietly but confidently. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm pretty capable of taking care of myself. I can make decisions knowing full well what the implications may be--"
"Clearly, you do not because if you did--"
"DAD! Let me finish." Syd said angrily. "For once in my life I'm going to do what I want to do. Not what the CIA wants me to do, not what SD-6 wants me to do, and sure as Hell not what YOU want me to do. I shouldn't have to live a sad and lonely life just because of what happened to Danny. I have a chance to be happy for once and I'm going to take it. It's what I want, and I know it's what he would want too. I understand that I can't let this continue after tomorrow...and it won't. But please just help me out here. I just want one day. One day of happiness is all I ask of you. Please, Dad...Please."
Jack breathed deeply, absorbing everything Sydney had revealed to him. She was right.
She shouldn't have to live a lonely and depressing life as I did. But the fact of the matter is that the cost of happiness could very well be her life. And I can't let that happen...
Jack looked up at Sydney's desperate face. The past four months had been so incredibly overwhelming, and he could see the stress all over her face. So much pain in those young brown eyes...he knew what he had to do. And he knew that they wouldn't be able to just turn away from each other after this. But if he didn't agree, she would do it anyway, which would be far more life-threatening...
"I'll take care of Security Section." Jack said, giving in.
"Thank you, Dad," Syd said, letting her emotions overtake her as she hugged her father. "Thank you."
Jack awkwardly accepted the hug, patting her lightly on the back.
"As long as you understand what you're getting yourself into," Jack said in last ditch efforts to change Sydney's mind.
"I completely understand," she responded confidently.
"Wow," Michael said simply. That wasn't the Jack Bristow he had come to know.
"So yeah, I should probably get out. But come to my place in a few minutes. I'll leave the window to my room open so it's not to conspicous...even though we wont have to worry about being caught, it's always best to play it safe."
"Yeah..." Michael said, still a little unsure.
He doesn't want to come. I should have just brought the gift here and this whole thing wouldn't have happened. It's too dangerous...it's crazy. No matter how much Michael loves me, he'd never put both my life and his in danger just to give him a gift...and maybe a little bit more...
But he has to come...
"Hey," Sydney said softly as she intwined her fingers in his, "we only have a few hours left, and it'll be safe. I promise."
I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing Syd like this...So young and vibrant and...in love. It's such a departure from her normal demeanor. She's usually so serious and direct and...certainly not shy. Most definately not shy...
All of a sudden, it hit him. He was the one who made Sydney like this. It was like he rejuvinated her spirit or something. She was a new woman, more radiant and beautiful than ever.
I have to go with her. There's no question. If this is the only opportunity I have to be with her like this, I will regret it for the rest of my life...But there's no denying the degree of danger that this involves. Sure Jack may be "taking care of it" but nothing is ever as it seems...
This really isn't my decision to make. It's hers. I just want her to be happy. If that's what she wants, that's what I want too. If she says it'll be safe, I trust her. It's just this one time, anyway...
Michael smiled sweetly at Syd as he let go of one of her hands, and ran his fingers along the side of her face. "Are you sure?"
Sydney just nodded as she settled her hands on Michael's stomache, and kept her eyes fixed there. She knew how incredibly dangerous this was going to be, and she knew that after this, there was no turning back. No more pretending...no more protocol to keep them apart. Her life would become even more complicated than it already was, and she'd have to find a way to balance it all.
Lies...with Michael came more lies. Lies to her Father, lies to the CIA, lies to her friends...But these lies seemed worth it.
Michael gently lifted her chin.
"Then you should get out of here, I'll meet you in about twenty minutes or so," Michael said softly. Sydney grinned wildly as she wrapped her arms around Michael's neck and hugged him tightly.
"Be careful," she said as she slowly pulled away.
"Hey, that's my line," Michael joked as he pulled Syd in for a quick kiss. Despite the incredible high Sydney got when kissing Michael, it still felt strange. It would take time to adjust to this new side of him.
"I'll see you soon," Syd said, leaning her forehead on his, "and tell Jules I had a great time, but had to go."
"Okay," Vaughn replied softly nodding his head.
Syd kissed him one last time before she left. As soon as the door to the apartment closed, the door to Michael's room flew open.
"Are you going to do what I think you're going to do?" Jules asked incredulously as she stood in the doorway. "And if you are, please say no anyway. Just humor me."
Michael rolled his eyes as he walked toward her and pushed her out of the way.
"Jules, is everything always about sex when it comes to you?"
"Ugh! Please! I asked you to just simply say no, that's it."
"What's so wrong about me saying the word sex?! We are both full grown adults here." Michael asked confused by his sisters behavior. He made his way to his closet and fished out a pair of old tennis shoes and an old gray hooded sweatshirt.
"It's just creepy, so stop. See, if I mention sex, you get angry. If you mention sex, I get creeped out. It's just a fact of life. The natural brother-sister response."
"Whatever," he replied, his mind preoccupied by something else. He sat on the edge of his bed and began to put on his shoes as Jules sat beside him. "I don't think anything will happen anyway...I won't let it. After today we have to go back to our regular lives and regular roles in each other's lives. We can't change that. And if we...take that step in our relationship...nothing would ever be the same between us."
"Mikey, I hate to break it to you, but I seriously don't think anything will be the same between you two anyway. I saw the way Sydney looks at you, the way she acts when she's around you...trust me, there's no turning back now."
Michael ran his hand through his hair frustratedly.
"Jules, you have no idea what you're talking about. I'm just going over there to give her the gift I got, and to enjoy the last few hours of freedom we can spend together. I know that nothing can become of this relationship while SD-6 and the Alliance are still in operation. I know what boundries we can't cross, and I'll make sure they won't get crossed. It'll be hard, but there's no other choice."
"Mike, sometimes you're so stupid." Jules replied simply.
"I really don't think you have any say in this matter, seeing that you have absolutely no idea about our lives and our jobs."
"Our, Michael?" Jules asked smiling sadly.
"Yes, Juliana, our."
"Mike, you guys clearly care a lot about each other. Okay, that's an understatement. You guys love each other so incredibly much but are petrified of what could happen as a result. You never bothered to think that maybe it could be a good thing. For the both of you. Yeah, it might mean that you would have to work around certain, uh, circumstances but it can be done. Nothing's impossible. It may be hard for awhile, but it gets easier. Trust me, Mikey, life is so incredibly worth living when you have someone around that cares for you that much."
"I know, that's why I'll be able to move on afterwards. It's not like she's leaving, Jules. I'll always have her."
"How many months will it be before you guys bring down SD-6, huh? Wait, I mean years?"
Michael just looked down at his feet silently waiting for Jules to continue.
"You'll always have her Michael, but there's a diffence between being there for someone, and really being there for someone. Do you know what I mean?" Jules asked bending her head so it was level with Michael's. He sighed and nodded his head softly. "Just think about it Mike. Yeah, it'll be dangerous, but it'll make your life that much more bearable." Michael silently put his arm around his sister.
"When did you become so wise?"
Jules laughed then became serious once again.
"I want you to be happy, Mike. I'm sick of seeing you alone and depressed like you've been for the past year. But just please, be careful. Please."
"I will, Jules, I will." Michael said, kissing the side of his sister's head.
"Do you promise me?" She asked desperately.
"I promise." Michael answered wholeheartedly.
"Good," Jules replied laughing slightly as she wiped the tears forming in her eyes. "Because if you didn't..."
"Hey, it's me." He replied smiling.
"That's what I'm worried about," Jules retorted, smiling.
~~~
Sydney walked out of her bedroom wearing a white tanktop and pink flannel pajamas. She contemplated changing back into what she was wearing at Michael's place, but decided that she was more comfortable this way. Suddenly her stomache started growling. Realizing she hadn't eaten since three, she made her way over to the kitchen. As she approached the fridge, she stopped and decided to wait for Michael, who also hadn't had dinner yet.
It had been fifteen minutes since Sydney got home, and the excitement of meeting Michael was building up inside her. She had checked her messages and thankfully, Francie called to say she wouldn't be back until the afternoon. Sydney made her way back to her bedroom and opened the window as a signal to Michael. The cool night air hit her face, and she drew a deep breath, knowing full well what this little meeting meant. Even if they were just going to exchange gifts.
Speaking of gifts...
Sydney made her way to her closet, and pulled out a neatly wrapped box, and placed it on her dresser.
We'll have to stay in here, because having all the lights on in the kitchen and living room will draw too much attention... Syd thought, trying to work out a game plan for the rest of the night.
She did a quick run through of the apartment, making sure everything looked perfect. It was the first time Michael will have seen her place, and she wanted to make sure that he'd love it. As she turned off the living room light, making it appear as if she was going to bed to any outsider, she heard a rustle by her bed room window. She immediately made her way to the bedroom, on her guard. If it wasn't Michael, she had to be ready. She braced herself as she entered the room, but breathed a sigh of relief as she saw Michael climb in and close the window.
"Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in high school again, sneaking into my girlfriend's bedroom?" Michael asked, joking as he locked the window and closed the binds securely.
Sydney laughed as she made her way towards him.
"I don't know what kind of girlfriends you had...Letting you into their rooms at night..." Sydney said, raising her eyebrows suspiciously.
"Nice pjs" Michael said, immediately changing the subject. Sydney couldn't help but blush.
"Yeah, well--"
"They're cute," Michael said as he approached Sydney and placed his hands on her hips.
"Yeah, well, so are you." Sydney said smiling as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.
"That was pretty dangerous," Michael said motioning to the window with his head as he pulled away from the kiss.
"I know," Sydney responded right away, "we'll have to figure out a safer way for next time."
Michael immediately noticed her implication and smiled.
"Yeah," he said, taking her hands in his, "yeah, we will." Suddenly Michael laughed, and looked around the room. "So, do all your first dates make it as far as the bedroom, or am I just lucky?"
Sydney laughed and pushed his chest playfully.
"What?" He responded, also laughing. "It's a fair question!"
"We'll just have to see how lucky you get..." Syd said tilting her head up at him. Michael gave her an 'Oh really?' look, but before he could respond, she turned around and pulled his arm, signalling him to follow. "Come on, I'm starved." She said, leading him towards the kitchen.
~~~
Outside Sydney's Apartment
Jack Bristow sat in his car, a block away from his daughter's apartment. He had everything secured and her activies in the past day had gone unnoticed by both the CIA and SD-6. Sydney had gotten home about 15 minutes ago, but he didn't quite feel like leaving just yet.
She got home at 12:37. 12:37 and 26 seconds to be exact.
Jack couldn't help but be a little suspicious of his daughter and Agent Vaughn's activities. It's not that he didn't trust Agent Vaughn, he had proven his allegiance, skill, and most of all, love for his daughter time and time again.
Nothing good will come from this. Nothing.
He couldn't help but let the Father within him take over his conscience. Sure, he hadn't been there for Sydney in the past, but he was there now. And he wasn't going to let anything happen to her.
Sometimes you just have to put feelings aside and move on with your life, accepting that you can't have some things, depite how much you may want them...
But he had to admit, something was different about Sydney when she came home. He couldn't put his finger on what it was exactly, but she looked...content. She was glowing, and Jack knew exactly why. And that's why he was so worried.
What's the use sitting here and contemplating Sydney's situation? She's home safely, and now my job's done. She's old enough to make her own decisions and live her own life. No matter how stupid those decisions are.
Ha, happiness? When you sign up for this life, you pretty much throw happiness out the window. You'd think she'd realize that after what happened with Danny...
Jack immediately felt horrible for using Sydney's devastating loss against her. Sometimes he didn't understand why he couldn't just be a normal Father. Who wasn't out to hide things from his daughter, but to help her through life...guide her...protect her from the evils of the world...
But he couldn't do that. There really was no place for him in her life as it was.
She has been through a lot. And if she were to have someone to spend time with that actually made her feel like her life was not one huge lie, it's probably best that it's Agent Vaughn. Someone who could help her in a time of need rather than someone she'd need to protect...
He then reached for his keys, sure that no matter what decision Sydney made, he would be there for her. Maybe not in person, but surely in spirit. As he started to turn the key, he noticed a dark figure approach Sydney's apartment. Jack quickly reached for his binoculars, and looked towards Sydney's place, able to see Sydney's figure through the sheer curtains that covered her windows. She seemed a bit on edge, but also expectant. The lights inside the apartment went out, and Jack immediately looked toward the figure, who was approaching her window. Recognizing the face, Jack placed the binoculars down on the seat beside him, and rubbed his eyes frustratedly.
He changed his mind.
They're making a big mistake.
A big mistake.
END CHAPTER EIGHT
