Rebirth – Chapter 29: A Habitual Lie
Sorry guys, have less and less time these days.
Adam sat up as he thumbed over a page, studying a particular arrangement of photos. One that he was sure was not of proffessional standards. It was a magazine he had seen while out at the store that day, when he just so happened to discover a section with the name Ryka Publishing on them. It couldn't hurt to do a little research on this company, if he intended to work for them at least. He wondered if he could go online and maybe find the article that Lawrence had mentioned writing, but he felt as though that was looking into a part of the man's life where he did not belong. Hell…he didn't belong in it now. But to the point at hand, he was beginning to feel optimistic about this interview, thinking that surely he had better examples of nature in his portfolio than this rudimentary junk.
Adam tossed the magazine onto a pre-existing pile with a light sigh, looking around his apartement wonderously. It had been a few days since he'd last seen Lawrence, though they had talked on the phone more than men may under normal circumstances. Lawrence had actually had the courage to mention something that Adam was now seriously contemplating. That subject was of course the strange barrier that restricted their passions to a grave degree. That was, of course, sex. The simple idea of it made Adam shift uncomfortably. He knew the vague lines of what that would involve, as would anyone, but the fact remained that he did not fully understand. For the most part, he was sure that Lawrence new more than he did, but knowing and doing were two very different things.
In either case, Adam didn't quite like talking about it on the phone. He tried to remain serious about it, but he found it hard to stay on the subject, as strange as it was. Towards the end, they'd made some progress, but decided it better to deal with this kind of thing in person. That was what tomorrow night would be about, he supposed. Naturally it made the day pass very slowly for him. Not being able to see him for two straight (no intended pun) days was wearing on him also, only postponing the awkward factor of their relationship that had not yet been covered. The first thing Adam had thought was 'buy condoms', but the idea had embarassed him so much that he honestly felt like a virgin again. Which, in a figuritive sense, he was. Anyway, he supposed there was nothing to be embarassed about…he'd bought condoms a thousand times before and never thought a thing of it. But this time he was buying condoms for…something slightly different. He shouldn't worry—after all, it wasn't as though they knew what he was buying them for. And so what if they did? He grumbled and glanced at the box of Trojans that sat on his nightstand.
He never thought something could make him so horny and so disturbed at the same time. Mellow out, you dumb fuck. Said his mind. I think it's safe to say you're past the point of no return with this whole homosexual thing. He rolled off the bed casually in his sexual musings as he heard the phone from across the room. That was probably Lawrence, calling to confirm. He happily picked it up and chirped a hello, awaiting an answer.
"…Hi…Uh, Adam?" came a female voice from the other end.
…He didn't recognize it. It must have been a secretary from Ryka or something. He almost unconsciously looked around for his cigarettes. "Yeah, Adam, at your service." He said. "Who's this?"
"Er…" the was a long pause and Adam furrowed his brow.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, sorry." She answered apologetically. "Hi Adam, this is Allison."
Adam hesitated, searching his mind. "Allison…hi…um, look, sorry, I don't really remember—"
"Allison Gordon. Sorry, Larry's wife?" she tried.
Adam froze.
"…I-I didn't freak you out or anything, did I?" she sounded a little worried at that point, and he knew he should say something. Anything.
"Nah, 'course not! H-heya, how's Larry?" …G'job, dumbass. His brain congratulated.
"Well, he's fine, I guess." She seemed to be biting her lip, and he felt a cold sweat forming on his neck. "I acutally wanted to see how you were…"
"Me?" Adam blanched. His nerves and confusion rattled his voice slightly.
"It's just that, well, from what Larry's been telling me…you've sort of been having trouble. And I know you helped him out, so we owe it to you. Our hospitality anyway. I was just starting to worry…"
"Yeah, it's…I'm okay. Thank you." He swallowed hard and clutched the phone in his hand harder, a tremendous torment eating away at his stomach. Oh God, she was asking him how he was. She was concerned about him, this guy she didn't even know. The guy who was practically fucking her husband…He hiccuped slightly at the churning acid in his gut.
"Great." She replied sincerely. But there was something more pressing in her tone.
Adam just had to push, even as sick as he felt. "What…what about you? …You okay?" It seemed like such a casual conversation, maybe between two people who knew one another.
"What, me? Yeah. Yeah, I'm great. I mean things are pretty good…considering." She cleared her throat.
Adam felt a chill. "C-considering what?" he asked nervously.
Another bout of silence made him squirm. "Well…I just meant…after what happened and everything…"
"Oh. Right." Adam swallowed. "And Diana?"
Allison seemed both pleased and troubled at that. "She's doing fine. She asks about you sometimes, you know."
"Really?" Adam felt like a fourteen-year-old kid who had just been caught drunk driving, a burly armed officer baring down at him and the guilt of what he'd done making wild excuses in his head as he tried to get one out. At least, that was the only personal experience his mind could compare this feeling to. He should not be talking to this woman… "Well…tell her I said hey, I guess…"
"Sure." Came the answer.
Adam tapped his foot in a jittering motion, panicking through the silence as another pause ensued. Where was Lawrence? Did he know she was calling him? Did he tell her, did she know, was she just—
"Can I…ask you something?" her tone was suddenly darker, and Adam could feel his heart in his throat.
"Yeah." Cooly, as though he wasn't shaking at the moment.
"Is Larry…well I mean, h-has Larry…God, I don't even know how to say this." She trailed off a moment.
"What is it?" he couldn't help his voice from cracking.
"Has he really been…coming over to your place?"
Adam stopped, mind going blank as he tried to understand her words.
When he didn't answer, Allison continued frantically. "I mean, it's not that I don't trust him, it's really not. I-I, it's not that I really think it. I don't even know why I…" she calmed down after a second and continued. "It's that he's…he's never home. He's always going out like he's got somewhere better to be. Maybe even…another woman. Oh God, I don't know. He's still around, I mean he still plays with Diana and she doesn't complain, I…I just…I think it's me sometimes…"
Adam groaned internally. She was pouring her guts out to him, and he knew that he was the cause of all of these problems. What was he supposed to say? 'Sorry, I guess I didn't think about any of that when he was sucking my—'
"I don't know, Adam, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to unload all of this on you. It's not your problem…" He winced. "But I don't know who else to turn to for answers…He says that he's just been going over to your place, nowhere else. Please…Please tell me that's true…? I just…I just don't know what else to do."
Adam closed his eyes as let out a pained sigh, swallowing again deeply as he fought for what to say. She was asking him for the truth. She…well she didn't say anything about the whole truth. "…Yeah. Yeah, hey, it's okay. As far as I know…he's just been with me…"
It almost seemed like a tearful chuckle from the other end. "…Yeah. I know. I mean, I should know this by now…I accused him of cheating on me before. What else could I do, he was never around…How could I do this again? It has to be me…He seems so happy—he has some new outlook on life. But he still pushes me away. It just must be me…"
"Allison—"
"No, it's fine." She cleared her throat. "I just have to stop blaming him for all this…Listen to me, I sound like some raving lunatic, huh?"
"No…" he answered quietly.
"Well I am. I'm just being crazy. …Look, I shouldn't've called, I'm sorry. This must really put you in a weird position."
You have no idea. Adam thought with a murmur. "It's okay. Really." His fear had tamed down some now that he realized she suspected him of nothing. How selfish that seemed. "He seems…happy, though?"
"I can't figure out... It's nuts, he-he wasn't really the smiling type before. I mean he did, it was just…he always looked distant. Now suddenly he's like a-a…a puppy on crack or something. At least that's what it seems like. This whole incedent-" there was that word again, "-this whole…thing…really changed him…I don't know, I-I'm just being stupid…Maybe I should just accept that he's happy. And be happy too."
Adam nodded slowly, conflicted. "Yeah…"
"I've gotta go. I'm sorry about this…" with a click, the voice was gone, leaving Adam confused and shaken as he set the phone down. It was all wrong. He was coming inbetween a marriage, he was seeing someone behind someone else's back, he was in a relationship he had no right being in…
…but…Lawrence was happy.
…What else could he do…?
