Rebirth – Chapter 30: Research
Same old jazz, yadda yadda yadda, thank you all so much for sticking, sorry about the slowness. Much love
- MH
Lawrence winced as his chair groaned, leaning back slightly as he bit down on a finger and stared into the computer screen intently. He hadn't meant to uncover so much pornography, but when given the subject, he supposed it was impossible to avoid. All he wanted was to find something helpful to his situation, something that could tell him exactly how he was supposed to go about this strange new act of sex that he felt himselg edging towards. He kept telling himself that it really wasn't all that different—that sex was sex and the feelings and emotions were all the same…but it was still different. Adam was no woman, and things with him were…definitely not the same. Sure, Lawrence knew the basics. Anybody did. But he felt more than worried just diving right into it. Admittedly, however, he felt like a complete idiot looking for sex tips on the internet.
He rubbed the side of his face with an uncomfortable murmur as he read a couple of lines from some help site, swallowing deeply as he pictured himself doing something of the nature. It seemed so bizarre. And these pictures he was coming across were only adding to his nervous state. At first he found them foreign and shocking, but…the more he looked, the more he wanted to keep looking…Biting his thumb, he read down a couple more lines and wondered how Adam would react to something like this. Would he be horrified? Surely he would understand if Lawrence took it to him gently. Explained a little about the anatomy of the process, let him know what he planned to do and assure him that it would feel good. It was of course worth the try. He was fairly sure that Adam wanted this too.
"Hey Larry?"
Lawrence jumped at the sound of Allison's voice, and he immediately exited the files he'd been reading over with the utmost humiliation. He held a hand over his forehead as she appeared at the door of his office, trying to surpress a blush of embarassment and turning to meet her. "Hey!" he croaked.
She glanced around his office and leaned up agaisnt the door frame, crossing her arms as she sighed. "Just wanted to come see what you were up to is all."
"Oh. Not much." He said, rubbing under his chin. Aside from looking at pictures of naked men all day? "You?"
"I was gonna take Diana to the store with me. Unless you want her tonight." She replied.
"I…made plans tonight." He said apologetically. "Tomorrow, I'll spend the whole day with her. Tell her that, huh?"
"Sounds good, maybe then I can take a trip to the gym." She nodded. "…Can I ask where you're off to tonight?"
"Just…Adam's." he said honestly. Well she didn't ask what for. He was still in the clear, right?
Allison smiled slightly and looked down. "Okay. Just curious."
"You need me to stop somewhere or something?" he offered, hoping that she would decline.
"Nah, don't worry about it. I mean I'm going to the store as it is. I'll see you." She waved a hand as she stepped out.
"Bye." He responded, watching as she departed. He sighed and put his head down against one hand, feeling again the odd sense of invasion that he seemed to feel now whenever she was near. …It wasn't fair. She'd never done anything wrong, he shouldn't be resenting her. All she ever did was be kind to him, raise his daughter, support him. He should be doing everything for her. He should…well shouldn't he be in love with her for all of that? It wasn't as though he disliked her. But even so, he couldn't help feeling a pulse of exasperation when she was in the room. How was he going to handle this marriage when the very idea of it made him cringe? His own marriage, for God's sake.
What are you talking about? Said something incredulous within him. This isn't a marriage and you know it. You know it, she knows it, Adam could probably take a wild guess at it, and soon, Diana will know it too. It's a sham.
Well what am I supposed to do about that? He retaliated. It might've been a mistake, but I made it. And now I have responsibilities.
If you believed that, you wouldn't be seeing Adam in the first place. And living with Allison wouldn't upset you so much. You know you can't go on like this. It's not fair—to anyone.
I can't get a divorce. I can't. He bowed his head in shame for his own cowardice. What would be my reason?
You have plenty.
I can't. No. I can't do that to Diana.
And what's better? That she lives with seperated parents in a loving, sensible atmosphere, or that she lives under the weight of a marriage with two people who hate each other without knowing why?
She won't understand.
Sometimes that doesn't matter.
She's only eight years old! Allison doesn't have a job, what am I supposed to do—leave them out on the streets?
You'll pay child support and more, you can afford that. You're not leaving them, you're leaving a bad relationship.
It's too risky. I…I can't wind up with my daughter hating me.
She won't hate you. Is that what you really think? Why would she hate you? You know it's the right thing to do. You know that you'll go crazy sitting in this house. If you leave, maybe you could have so god damn respect for yourself… Or will you go on lying? Lying to Allison, and to Diana? Do you care that your wife might think you're still in love with her? …And…do you really want things to go back to being the way they were?
Lawrence froze in his spot, horror striking him momentarily. No. God no, he couldn't go back to that. Not to the way things were.
Does Adam not mean enough to you to get the guts to tell her? He won't stand for it either, you know. You'll lose him.
Lawrence shook his head, pulling at his hair in idle thought. Oh no. No, no, Adam was the one that brought him out of his zombification, if Adam left…he would never be the same.
Then don't be a coward.
I can't ask her.
It's her or him.
I can't chose!
You can't have both.
I'm so confused…
You know what you have to do.
I don't have the courage.
Then you don't deserve to be happy.
He knocked his head down onto the surface of his desk with a groan. He couldn't do it. He couldn't possibly be expected to do it. But eventually…he would have to make some sort of choice. That terrified him. Of course he wanted Adam, but he felt that it was something so self-centered that he should get to be with a person he cared for while Allison was left relatively alone. She would despise him, and he might not feel much better about himself. He'd known enough people with divorced parents to know…there was always a rift. There was always a resentment. Either optioned promise some does of misery. But how could he stay married…? How could he…pretend?
Don't think about it now. Said a slightly more sympathetic part of him. Adam's probably waiting for you…maybe you can find the courage in him to do it. Get a dose of inspiration or something.
And if you can't, well—you're fucked.
