Rebirth – Chapter 34: Muddled Aftermath

Thanks for the comments—love for you all. Sorry about the delay, I promise I'll try and pump the next chapter up in a few days.


Sometimes the silence in this apartment threatened to choke him to death.

It was just the next day that Adam was already beginning to feel incredibly nervous. He and Lawrence…had slept together. They'd consumated their affair, they'd officially become adulterers…or whatever. He didn't know what to call them. Nothing nice anyway. One day and already he was completely panic stricken. They had taken the last step in a romantic relationship, so now what was supposed to happen? What had he been thinking, anyway? That they could just forget about his marriage? He didn't know what Lawrence wanted…He didn't even know what he wanted. Oh what the hell's the big deal? Crooned an impatient part of him. You're having a good time…just let it be that.

And it's just that easy? Adam snarled back, hanging limply at the end of his worn nerves.

Yes.

No. It's not. Don't you get that? I…it's more than that now. Or…or it's always been more—I don't know. I can't do this, I'm not one of those guys…

Well if not, you're a perfect candidate.

Adam rubbed a hand over his head as he idly paced about, trying to battle down his edginess. God, he needed a cigarrette. But…well. I don't even know where the hell I am anymore. Candidate for what? What does this make me? His mistress? His fucking pool boy? His whore, what? What am I?

Maybe that depends. What's he to you?

He had to hesitate for a second, chewing on his lip. What's he to me?…fuck…I don't know. He's a…friend?

A friend you just happen to have sex with.

Well damnit, I don't know! He is a friend. My only friend…

Sure. Wow you're petty. You know that? He's everything to you, and you're just pissed because you're not everything to him.

Fuck you. And fuck that, he's not everything.

Just everything that counts.

I have my career.

Which so far has only gotten you…here.

My parents, my family.

Who never talk to you, who never write, who probably don't give a damn. Next you'll be saying you have your friends, but then you'll just be contradicting yourself.

I'm not petty. I'm not jealous. I don't care, he can do whatever he wants. How can I judge him?

You can't. You don't have the right to, anyway. …But you want to. You can't say that you don't want to. He's everything you've ever hated.

But now, so am I. And it's my fault. I made him that way—I made us that way. Adam leaned his head against his arms, which was raised up rested against the pane of his window as he looked out onto the dismal streets.

You pretend that you're blaming yourself, but you know that deep down, you're blaming him. He was fine before you came along, you know. He had a kid, who probably misses him while he's out fucking you. A clueless wife who probably jumps to care for him, who wonders why her husband's always gone. You're so self-centered—you want him to leave that for you

I never asked him to.

Then what are you complaining about? What you have with him now is the best you're gonna get. When it ends, it ends, don't think about it.

How can I not think about it? And Christ, how can I just let it…end? After all we went through together, I just thought…

You are a girl. I knew it. What do you want, do you want him to ditch his wife and live with you happily ever after? ' After all you went through', that's bullshit. You've known him less than a month, imagine how long he's known his wife and kid. Imagine all they've gone through together. But no. All you care about is you.

So fine. I admit it, I-I want to be with him. Excuse me for having a goddamn heart.

Is that what you call it? Wow. You don't give a damn about Lawrence's feelings, or his family, or if you break them up, or if he regrets it when it's all done. Yeah, some heart.

Well it's not just me! Adam clenched his eyes shut and banged his head on a proverbial wall in his mind. If he wanted to be with his wife, why would he be with me at all?

You see? I told you you blamed him. You can bitch about it all you want, but the fact is, if he was going to choose you, he would've done it. He's just a letch, like all the others you've hounded out before him. He's looking for a good time, and so are you. And if you want it to stop, you'd better break it off before he does. Save what shred of dignity you might still have.

Well if he wants to end it…he'll end it.

You're pathetic.

I want him to be happy—I owe him at least that much.

Try doing what's best for him, then.

How can I say it would— Adam halted in his mental debate as the sharp knock on his door pulled him away. His heart thudded deeply in his chest, but he quickly recovered and shakily went to answer it. For once, he hoped it wasn't Lawrence. His head was too muddled right now, he couldn't think straight…

He carefully opened the door a crack, in light of what happened the night before. He couldn't see who it was. "…Who is it?" he rasped into the hallway, heaving a sigh. He froze, however, as an almost forgotten, but certainly familiar voice found him from the other side of the door.

"Hello Adam."