Rebirth – Chapter 36: Twenty Questions
Alright! Well it turns out this fic will actually be finished after all. No, this isn't the last chapter, but were getting pretty deep into trouble, eh? Thanks to all who reviewed, and all who read but didn't review, assuming there were any. I hope my new set of complications doesn't bore you. But I do promise to see this one to the end, so let's get on with it.
Lawrence felt as though he was five years old from where he sat, slack-shouldered at the dining room table as he idly looked down at his fidgeting hands. That was just what he felt like: a scared kid who knew he'd been caught and waiting in terror for the axe to fall. He couldn't imagine that he looked any more confident, either. He gazed up at Derek Palmer expectantly, though in his head, he was scrambling to think of the right answers to questions that had yet to even be asked. "Would you…like something to drink?" Lawrence uttered pitifully.
"No thanks, we don't wanna trouble you longer than we need to." Palmer replied as he sat down, his assumed partner near him. Lawrence hadn't bothered to acknowledge the other's name. "We just have a couple of questions about some things that happened last night."
"Sure. Go ahead." He nodded quickly. A little too quickly, he needed to stop his damned jitters.
"Can you tell us where you slept last night, Mr. Gordon?" asked the other detective in a relatively friendly voice. He had dark hair and glasses, probably in his late forties or so with sharp features and the barest lilt of some Slavic accent.
Lawrence mentally cowered, breaking into a sweat as the first question was presented to him bold and direct. "I…was with a friend. I spent the night at his apartment. Adam, Adam Faulkner, you uh…I think you remember him, huh?" he looked at Palmer with a surprisingly casual nod.
"Sure." Palmer agreed, rubbing under his nose a moment with his pen before he jotted something down on a pad of paper. "Can you tell us what, if anything that you're aware of, happened that morning between the hours of three and four a.m.?"
Lawrence rubbed his knuckles anxiously and sighed, recounting the events briefly. "Yeah, well, I sort of crashed over at his place that night…it was late. And um…well to be honest, I-I—" Did you just say 'to be honest?' "I stay with him sometimes because he has nightmares. He's in a pretty shaky state, he doesn't have any other friends, as far as he's told me." You're a real bastard. You're putting him down to make yourself look innocent.
What the hell am I supposed to say? I'm doing this for his own good.
For your good, you mean. Just can't bring yourself to be an honest man, can you?
"Uh, someone came," Lawerence cleared his throat and continued in a surprisingly level tone. "came pounding on the door at about three-thirty or so. Adam went to answer the door."
"And who was at the door?"
"One of Adam's former clients. Eric, I think he said. I came out at the end of things, really, but I could tell that he was drunk. He was threatening Adam, so I told him off. He backed down, I didn't really think anything of it. What happened? What's all this got to do with me, anyway? It's not something about Eric, is it?" he feigned ignorance.
He did another good job of pretending to be shocked as Detective Palmer relayed the story of Eric Fisher and his run-in with his cheating wife. A fantastic job, actually. From wide eyes to quirked eyebrows and nervous fingers through his hair, he was farily sure that they didn't suspect he had any prior knowledge of this incident. Lucky for Lawrence, he had been born with a cool head. They gave him the usual rundown, and after a while, he was relieved to find that they for certain accused him of nothing in regards to the death of Alexandra Fisher. By some grandure fortune, his and Adam's story must have matched up rather well. Adam's plight, however, remained unknown…
"I just can't believe all this happened…" Lawrence mused truthfully aloud, staring down at the table surface as he rubbed the back of his neck. "It's like this stuff just keeps following me. I can't get away from it."
"It's just a freak thing, none of it's your fault, Doc." Palmer said, shaking his head. "There was nothing you could've done."
"What about…uh, what about Adam?" he asked next, the tension killing him. And yet, even still, like a fool, he wondered what Adam was doing at the moment. True to his character, he must have been quietly panicking by now. Flippantly, and mostly from Diana's suggestion, he actually wondered about Adam having a pet or something. It was stupid, really, but any kind of company might be welcome. …There were no big responsibilities for goldfish… "He's not a suspect by affiliation or anything, is he? I mean I've been around him practically every day for the past week or so and he hasn't been doing anything like that."
"We're looking into it." Came the response.
The second detective suddenly stood, muttering something quietly to Plamer, who nodded before watching him depart. Lawrence was somehow more nervous now that the two of them sat alone.
"You don't really believe that Adam could've done anything, do you?" Lawrence pushed again lightly, glancing over at Palmer with worry.
The detective looked over Lawrence for what seemed to be a very long time, his expression shifting as he tapped his fingers on the table in thought. He slowly leaned forward, glancing over his shoulder breifly. "To be honest, I doubt it. Kid's business looks legit, he's got tape records of this guy calling him before. This Fisher guy's a real fuckin' nutjob to begin with."
Lawrence repressed a sigh of relief, instead offering a weak smile and a nod. Palmer, however, seemed to be thinking something over.
"So you're pretty close then? To Adam, I mean." He asked passively.
Lawrence paused and hesitantly nodded again. "Sure. We get along."
"And he asks you to stay over a lot?" he continued.
"Yeah, well...I'm sure he mentioned he doesn't really have family, or things like that. After all this that's been going on, he's had trouble dealing with it. This is just one more thing he doesn't need." Lawrence resisted the urge to twitch.
Palmer gave a sympathetic expression and scratched his chin. "So would you say he has some…issues? Social issues?"
"No," Lawrence answered quickly. "Not like that, anyway. He's harmless, he wouldn't hurt a fly, much less help plan a murder."
"You seem like a good guy, Doc. And I'm inclined to believe you, but the fact is, how I'm sure you can understand we see it, is that Adam already has killed another man."
Lawrence gaped. "Zep?" the name buzzed on his tongue, making him stiffen a little as he unconsciously chipped his nails into the wood of the table. "No. You can't…you can't possibly even be considering that. He did what he had to—he…he saved my life." He shook his head. "I would've done the same thing, and so would anyone. He was pushed to do it. It wasn't his fault. None of this is his fault. Can't you see that?" Calm down, you're losing your cool here…
"Alright, easy." Palmer held up a hand for a moment, clearing his throat.
"Right, I just…" Lawrence trailed off.
Palmer looked down and tapped his pen on the end of his pad, freezing for a moment as though he were about to write something down. After a long hesitation, however, he slowly set the pen down, folding his hands on the table in front of him. "…How many nights do you spend over there, would you say?" his brow furrowed in thought before he raised his eyes to meet Lawrence.
Lawrence felt a tremor in his chest, and the coherency of his thoughts was gradually overtaken by the thud of his heart. "I…well I suppose it's almost every other night now…" he confessed.
"And your wife is okay with that?"
"She…says she understands." He said. Palmer couldn't possibly be suspecting him of the truth, could he? He damn well has enough evidence to bring you in on a moral charge.
"Do you ever think that maybe Adam could seek some sort of counselling for this?"
Lawrence leaned up in his chair and resituated his arms. "He's sort of short on money right now. And…I don't know, I think maybe he has too much pride for that sort of thing. I've been trying to…bring him out of his shell, so to speak."
"Mm hm." The detective seemed increasingly disturbed. It was clear that he was aiming towards something, but he had yet to divulge what. "Doesn't this put sort of a burden on you?"
Lawrence rubbed over his knuckles with a palm. "…Adam's my friend. And he saved me. I owe him at least something."
"Sure, but is this just an obligation?"
"Well it's more than that." Lawrence stopped for a second. "Look, at the risk of sounding like a complete wuss, it…it helps to be around him too. He understands, I can talk to him about the things that happened. I feel like it's not fair to unload that kind of thing on my family."
"Don't they have the right to know?" Palmer pressed.
"…Allison doesn't ask…you know, she…it's not really a popular topic."
"Wouldn't she listen to you?"
"Maybe…maybe, but…she just wouldn't know what it was like."
Palmer sighed huskily and rested an elbow on the table, holding a finger to his lip. "I'll level with you, Doc. I've heard a different side of the story."
Lawrence balked. "From Allison?"
Palmer waved his hand in dismissal. "From Eric."
Lawrence didn't respond. He didn't know what he could have said at the moment that wouldn't be self-incriminating. After a long while of silence, he knew he'd better speak up. "What did he have to say?"
Palmer straightened up and drew a breath as though about to explain something very tenuous, starting slow. "When we pulled the story out of him, he implied that you and Adam had more than just a platonic relationship."
It felt wrong to lie, wrong to deny it. It was what a jerk would do, what a coward would do. How could he demean all his feelings for Adam, and the feelings professed to he himself, by doing that…? "Crazy." Lawrence said in a weak voice. "He's just angry with Adam…so he's making something up to hurt him any way he can."
There was another long stretch of dead air. "Come on, Doc. You've gotta be straight with me…" Plamer said, and Lawrence looked away, thinking that a funny choice of words. "You're saying that you have no romantic involvement with him whatsoever? Never thought about it?"
Lawrence couldn't speak. His tongue seized up and his voice was forgotten, the words he tried to muster melting into a palpable sense of dread that slid back down his throat. This is your moment of truth, Lawrence. You've been awful, to everyone. Will you tuck your tail again? You know they'll find this out eventually. For all you know, they could've already gotten it out of Adam. Lawrence trembled and clutched his arm, fidgeting in terrible nervousness. His throat caught, but he manage to speak, quietly. "…I…" he began, clenching his eyes shut and turning away. It was all the answer that Palmer needed to draw the correct conclusion.
Palmer sighed and bowed his head. "And your wife has no idea about this?"
"Allison and I haven't been close in years." He whispered. "The past few months we haven't even liked each other. And then…all this." He put his face in his hands and held back a moan. "I know I…It's terrible. It looks terrible. I'm selfish. I can't let him go, but I can't get away from her. Please, I know how bad it is. I know how…how it looks from your end."
"I don't know, Gordon." Palmer shook his head gravely. "Your personal life's not really my business…I just sort of didn't expect this from you." He replied.
"You knew me as a doctor, Mr. Palmer. And I was a great doctor. I never was much of a man." He kept his eyes fixed down in shame. "My intentions were good, I swear to God they were…I never meant to…have affections for him, let alone give into them. Believe me, I didn't even know it was possible for me. But it was, it is, and I…"
Palmer might have understood. Not that Lawrence expected it would do any good. The jig was up, how could Allison not find out after this? Everything had been spilled out into the open, and it was time for him to face the consequences of his deceit. He'd been too much of a coward to admit it on his own. Now some stranger—some cold, unfamiliar voice—was going to tell Allison that her husband was sleeping with another man. "…I guess…under the circumstances…this could be just between us." Came Plamer's voice, cutting through the sound of Lawrence's inner despair.
Lawrence looked up in shock. "…what…?"
Palmer tapped his pen with another heavy sigh and gave Lawrence a grave look. "It doesn't have anything to do with Alex Fisher, does it? …Doesn't need to make it in the records, doesn't need to be published in the paper."
Lawrence couldn't believe what he was hearing. "…You're not going to tell her?"
"As far as I'm concerned, I don't know anything." He shrugged.
He looked down, his anxiousness turning into conflicting relief and disappointment. For a small moment, hope dawned upon him that just maybe, this wouldn't make a difference. And yet, he would feel awful if it didn't…These damn ironies.
"What do you plan to do, anyway, Gordon?" Palmer shook his head and held an upturned hand in query.
"I don't know." He replied as he continued to bite his lip. "I have to tell her. I know I have to tell her. But she just doesn't deserve all this, especially not now, not after all that's happened. And I love my daughter, Christ…of course I love her."
He again gripped at his hair and forced out a breath through his teeth, the detective watching him indecisively. "Ever since day one, they've had to make sacrifices for me. Changes for me. They've moved, they've put up with me not being there because I had to work, they've held dinner for me and gone to stupid social parties for me... I remember days where I would come home tired and do paper work for the rest of the night until my next shift. I once went three days without seeing my own daughter, and I'd been home every night. No, I was too busy, too caught up in me just to go into her room and look at her. Too busy to be a father, or a husband. I never made any kind of decent conversation with Allison. I'd been trying so hard lately to avoid the sense of disinterest between us, to pretend there was nothing wrong. I just left them alone and let them work their way around my job and my needs. They've stopped to wrap their entire routine around my schedule, and I'm leaving them because I'm unsatisfied with my life? It's not fair. It isn't fucking fair." He grit his teeth.
"I know how unfair it is, but does that mean I can leave Adam? I don't know how I could even explain it…When I'm with him, it—…I don't know what to say. …Women, they…haven't interested me in years. God. I…it just seemed like nothing helped…I thought, shit, I'm losing my sex drive in my thirties…that I was impotent or something. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't know I was gay when I married her, you have to know that. How could I? …When I'm laughing or joking or talking or whatever with Adam, the only thing that has the power to pull me away from it is the thought of my daughter. But I feel like I'm suffocating him with my marriage. I don't want to put him in the middle of this. If I leave them, I leave them tied up in all the obligations and selfless unfulfillment I forced on them, I leave them because I'm always looking out for me, and no one else. …If I stay…I have to pretend. I have to lie. I have to let Adam go, forget about him, push down my worries about what will happen to him. He didn't have any gay tendancies before this either, you know. I can't even think about how much I've confused him. All I know is that I've seen him happy before, and I pride myself in thinking that…maybe it was me. Either way. Either way I have to wreck someone's life. So you tell me, Detective. What the hell am I supposed to do…?"
There was utter silence…and Lawrence wanted to scream just to break it…He had just poured his entire dilemma onto someone who was, in technical terms, a stranger, someone who he couldn't possibly expect to care. He had laid out his life on the table, literally. Every single one of these problems was his fault, he had caused them all, and while he deserved every punishment, he felt that he couldn't handle them. He was being crushed, strangled, chained to a wall…he swallowed hard and felt sick.
"…You know something, Gordon…" Palmer started, seemingly having recovered from the tale. "Divorce ain't the end of the world…Hell, I should know—I've been through three."
Lawrence looked up timidly. "But how can I say it's the right thing?"
"I don't think it's all that hard." Palmer offered. "If you're not in love with someone, which from what you tell me, you aren't, then you shouldn't be married to 'em."
"Divorce ruins lives. It'll ruin Diana's." he reasoned.
"Just because you're not her mom's husband doesn't mean you're not her dad, right? I've got a kid, too. You remember that, I'm sure. I'm not married to his mother anymore, she saw to that, but damned if he didn't know I was there." Palmer stood slowly and pushed his chair aside, tucking his notebook back into his pocket. "It ain't my place to tell you what you oughtta do, Doc, but I'm sure you know the difference between what looks right and what feels right. Is looking like the good guy worth being miserable for the rest of your life? …I think you made the decision already."
"I don't have the balls to tell her." He muttered with a humorless chuckle.
"Better you tell her than she finds out, eh?" Palmer looked over his shoulder as his partner returned. "I don't think there's any more we need here. We appreciate your time, Dr. Gordon."
"Sure. Any time, huh?" Lawrence shakily stood up himself and glanced down idly at his socks. "Thanks. I uh…hope everything turns out."
Palmer nodded. "Same to you, Doc."
He watched as they departed, mulling over what had just been said. One line in particular stuck out in his head. If you're not in love with someone, you shouldn't be married to them… It was simple, it made so much sense. He wanted to believe it, mostly because he wished that things were simple, or that they made sense. But at the moment, Adam was on his mind, and he knew that he needed to go to him.
"What's the story, Larry?" Allison asked immediately as she came into the room, looking concerned.
Lawrence nodded reassuringly and walked to the kitchen, his wife following. "Some guy who was harassing Adam murdered his wife last night. They wanted to ask me if I knew anything about it." He sputtered, searching around for his keys.
"Oh my God…" Allison responded in shock, holding a hand to her shoulder. "…Is he okay?"
"I don't know. I don't know, Allison, I've gotta go check in on him…" he shook his head and clutched his keys off the counter.
"Yeah, go." She nodded enthusiastically. "Let me know how things are."
"Sure thing." He muttered, kicking on his shoes and skittering out the door.
