Rebirth – Chapter 37: Standoff

Blah blah blah new chapter yadda yadda yadda.


Adam bit down on his thumb and stared off at the wall in thought, mostly to keep his teeth from chattering. His apartment was too damn quiet, and offered him no comfort in a time of silent panicking. This was all he needed right now: some chaotic event to rip his life out into the open and take it all to pieces. So ironic, so God damn ironic. Someone coming into his life, finding out his secrets, exposing him…he knew he'd earned it, and that he didn't have a right to be surprised. This entire thing was his fault. If it weren't for him and his stupid job, he never would've done this to Lawrence. His whole purpose after the ordeal had been not to wreck Lawrence's life like he'd planned to do in the first place, but he'd done it all the same.

He couldn't imagine what Lawrence must be thinking. He must be angry. Or resentful at least. Of all the things that made Adam cringe, the one that stung the most was the image of Lawrence saying to himself, "never should've kissed him…". And how could he not be thinking that now? How could he not regret this?

He practically leapt as he heard someone knock on the door, and he shook his head to no one in particular. Part of him resolved not to answer it, that paranoid part of him that teased him saying, 'could be anyone from Eric to Allison…even Jigsaw', and he groaned in discontent. The knocking came again, more desperate, and Adam pushed himself towards the door. It had to be Lawrence. Even still, he couldn't bring himself to open it. Slowly, he leaned his forehead up against the door and cleared his throat. "Who's there?" it seemed so silly, to ask that.

"Adam, you know it's me, open the door." Lawrence answered.

Adam closed his eyes briefly and edged his hand to the handle. Lawrence's voice had always sounded so good. Something to help him, in his worst of times. Drawing back, he quickly opened the door and stepped back. Somehow, it shocked him to see Lawrence standing there, despite the fact that he had just told him barely an hour ago that he would be coming, and the fact that he had just heard his voice from the hallway.

"Are you okay?" Lawrence demanded straight out as he came in.

"Yeah. Wasn't me that was murdered." He wasn't sure if he meant that as a joke or not. It seemed like something he would say sarcastically, but it drew up the most horrid of memories. Someone had tried to murder him, once. Maybe twice, depending on what he thought Eric would have done the previous night had the circumstances been different.

"You're shaking." Lawrence pointed out, concerned in a way that made Adam resent it.

"Haven't had a cigarrette in a day and a half, what do you expect?" he responded as he clutched an arm. "You shouldn't be here."

"You've got a lot of nerve saying that." Lawrence said as he shut the door, looking him up and down. "What did you think I would do?"

"I don't know, man, but it looks fuckin' weird!" Adam threw up his hands. "Do you think the cops won't know?"

"I didn't want you to be alone."

"News flash pal, I live alone." He bit. "I can take care of myself, I've told you that—you need to start taking care of yourself."

"What?"

"You heard me, go home!" he scratched the side of his head nervously. "I appreciate it, alright? But it's not the right time, man, and…look, things are a mess right now, I just don't know…"

"Adam—" Lawrence reached out for Adam's arm, only to have him pull away in what was almost panic. Sick of that, Lawrence came forward and roughly grabbed him, forcing him to accept a harsh embrace. "Just—easy, okay?" he pleaded, his assaulting arms melting a little into gentleness.

Adam felt his own arms wrap around Lawrence in a crushing hold, his eyes clenching shut. Whatever restraint he had or thoughts that kept him thinking his affections were wrong weren't strong enough to best the physical needs. He hated that he relied so much on Lawrence to tell him or show him that things were okay. He should be able to do this on his own, that's what an adult does. He didn't want to depend on him for anything…mostly because he knew he couldn't stick around forever.

Lawrence rubbed the back of Adam's neck with a hand and kissed his face in earnest, keeping Adam close as though threatening to crush him if he tried to move away again. "It's all fine, Adam, they don't have anything to charge you on. Or me."

Adam bit his tongue, choosing not to release his outburst of flaws in that statement. He let himself fall into the temptation of staying silent, pretending to believe Lawrence's words, listening to his voice and feeling his hands on his body. He wouldn't be able to live the lie much longer, so he might as well get what he could. You really think that's what I'm worried about? He wondered. "I'm sorry, Lawrence. I'm sorry about all of this, if I just hadn't—"

"Don't—" Lawrence cut him off, "—give me one of those dramatic apologies. Come on. Don't do that." He smiled weakly, pulling Adam closer to him again and resting his chin down on his shoulder with a loose sigh. "If anyone should apologize, it's me, anyway…"

Adam drew his arms tighter and pushed his face into Lawrence's chest, momentarily blocking out his world and the things it accused him of. He took a few moments to gather himself before he pushed away, calmly enough that Lawrence let him go. "…What are we gonna do now, Lawrence?" he asked in a tired but worried tone.

Lawrence lazily scratched a hand through the back of his head and bit his tongue, leaning a hand down against Adam's desk. It was such an ambiguous question, but they both knew exactly what it meant. "…I…I don't know." Lawrence helplessly shrugged.

"You don't know." Adam repeated, nodding with a bitter snort as he turned his head away.

"Look, I know, it's bad right now. It's just…this is a first for me. For a lot of things. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I'm sorry, but I don't." he held out his hands a little and dropped them back at his sides.

Adam let the statement sink in before groaning. "She still doesn't know, does she?"

At that, Lawrence stalled. "…No." he said quietly, and the uncomfortable stillness sat between them in idle. How could he explain his dillemna to Adam? He couldn't expect him to understand. Just like he couldn't expect Allison to understand. So what coud he say?

"So then things are still…"

"…Yeah." Lawrence answered without needing to know. Adam heaved a sigh and Lawrence cleared his throat. "Adam, I tried to tell her…I had the opportunity to tell her and everything, but I—…It just didn't work out."

"Why not?" he questioned lightly. He didn't want to prosecute Lawrence, he didn't want to offend him that way. So he tried to keep his tone as level and undemanding as possible.

"I had no idea where to begin. I don't know how to break this to her. I don't know if…if she can handle it right now." He answered honestly.

Adam bit back on his jealousy. He didn't want to be jealous. He knew that Lawrence didn't love her…that he didn't really want to stay married to her…

…did he…?

You're fooling yourself, Adam. You're fooling yourself. Repeated a panicking voice in the back of his head. Or he's fooling you. Either way, you're a fool. "So…this is how it's gonna be." Adam scowled down at the floor slightly.

"What?" Lawrence tenatively looked him over.

Adam didn't want to say it, but his frustrations did. In any case, it had to be said, didn't it? "Us. This is it. It's just like…I'm just like some pathetic mistriss. You'll say you'll leave her, but you'll say she's not ready. You'll say you want to do it, but it's not the right time. That you don't love her. That you don't want to be married. And for some reason, I'll believe everything you say, huh?" he surmized as he looked down at his feet, rubbing his upper arm distractedly.

"No, Adam, it's not like that…" Lawrence froze solid, eyes darkening in guilt. "You don't understand, I really tried, but I was cut off—"

"I know. Sure." Adam murmured back shortly.

"I…"

"So then…when's the right time? When is it okay that she knows you're like this? When you've been cheating on her for a month, or when you've been cheating on her for a year? Which'll be easier? I don't get it, man…"

"I'm sorry, I never meant to make you feel that way." Lawrence said sincerely. His words were slowly opening a raw wound. Could he deny what Adam was saying? How could he not think that way? Lawrence felt terrible. "Y-you mean more to me than that."

Adam briefly seemed to cringe, and slowly his eyes rose. "What are we still doing like this?" he uttered. "You're married. You're still married, you…" he steeled his voice and began again. That's right…encouraged a voice. Be a man. "You have Diana. And Allison. They love you. Don't…don't walk away from them if you have any doubts about it…"

Lawrence could only gape in shock.

"Don't you even fucking realize what you're risking here? Look, I'm sorry, I really am, I just…can't do this. We have to…cut it out, drop this, it's the right thing to do." He worked through his restricting throat and folded his arms across his chest.

"Adam, don't do this. You don't understand, I was trying to tell her today!" Lawrence spouted almost frantically. "But then you called, and the detectives showed up, and everything went to Hell. I'll tell her about this, Adam, I really will."

"Yeah, show me a guy who's ever lived up to that!" Adam hated the way he sounded. He despised coming off as some bitchy little sidewhore nagging her lover to choose her. But he was angry. "That's great, Lawrence. That's really fucking great."

"Do you think I'm teasing you or something? Damn it, Adam, I'm not that kind of person!" Lawrence took a step forward, but Adam retaliated with a step back. "I thought you knew me better than that."

"How the Hell would I know you better than that?" Adam snapped back. "The fuckin' minute you kissed me you still knew you were married! And the first night you went back to her after that, you still knew that you'd been with me! Well you don't get both. It's married life or gay life, you know? Which are you, which seems more likely, what the Hell am I supposed to know about you when you make everything so damn confusing?"

"It's not that easy, Adam, as convinient as that would be!" Lawrence rubbed his hand over his face with a gruff sigh. "You have no idea what it's like to be married. What it's like to have lived with someone for so many years, to have a child with them. I don't love Allison in a romantic sense, but Christ, I still love her! And I can't just hurt her."

"But with me it's no problem." Adam shook his head. "Fuck you."

Lawrence growled. "That's not what I meant!"

"Then what is? Hey, I realize that I don't come first, okay? I accept that, that's fine! I'm not that selfish! It's coming last that hurts!" Adam clenched his fists tight where they met his chest.

"How can you say that? I don't know what your God damn problem is. Can't you see that I'm trying for you? Do you even care?"

"You keep saying how hard it is, and then you resent me because you say I have no idea what it's like! Just because I never made the mistake of getting married—"

"Hey, I don't regret marrying her!" Lawrence said defensively as his mind quickly scanned over Diana, and Adam paused.

"Fucking fabulous." He nearly growled. "Then you regret getting involved with me."

"No!"

"Whatever!" Adam barked out as he thrust out a hand as if to dismiss him. "Poor Lawrence Gordon, he only has a family that loves him and a job that pays his bills! Now he's pissed because he can't have sex on the side, too, without feeling guilty about it! Damn, what a tough break!"

"You're not even listening to me!"

"That's all I ever do! You think you're so fucking pitiful, but you know what? Even at your God damn lowest point, you've got a Hell of a lot more than I ever had!" Adam momentarily broke through his senses, confused entirely as to how they had started yelling like this.

"I don't pretend to know anything about your life before me, Adam, but looking at the way things are now, I'm sure you're right! Maybe it wasn't all that great! But you know something, you've got freedom! You've got the option to leave your life behind and start over, you've got the liberty of changing your life without hurting anyone!" Lawrence pointed out as he took another step forward.

"It's easy when you're coming from nothing!"

"I don't believe you! You can't even hear yourself! You might not have more than you think I have, but you've got more than a lot of others! You have your own apartment, you do support yourself, you have a God-given talent with your photos! No, all you can do is bitch about how bad your life is, instead of trying to make it better or instead of finding something good about it! Sure as Hell that's not me!" Lawrence spat, teeth clenched. "Hah! That's fine, Adam! That's just perfect, maybe Jigsaw was right about you, you are ungrateful for your life!"

…..

…The weight of the stunned silence bore down completely unmarred around them…

Nothing could have compared to the utter instantaneousness of their anger's disappearence. Lawrence received no rebuttle. No verbal reaction. No street sound nor movement from the other inhabitants of the apartment complex was present to offer him a bit of distraction from it, and he suddenly felt vomit rising into his throat. What did he just say?

Adam stood with his eyes locked onto Lawrence, frozen in some kind of gesture as he gaped. It was as though someone had just…shut him off. Slowly his hand went back to clutching his other arm, and he fell back a step with a heartbroken shudder.

Lawrence held a hand to his forehead in disbelief. "…A-Adam, oh my God, I…"

Whether it happened gradually or suddenly, Adam wasn't looking at him anymore. His eyes looked past him…distant. Lost. He was in pure shock, his body struggling just now to process the sudden pain. The embarassment, the horror, the memory. There wasn't possibly a more scathing thing that could have been said.

Alarms were going off in Lawrence's head, his eyes caught mortified onto Adam as he comprehended the severity of his accustation. Apologize! Say you're sorry, you didn't mean to say that! Look at him, look at what you did, say something to him! …But he couldn't speak. He only managed a weak stammering before he was cut off.

"…Sh-shut up." Adam said in a cracked, pleading whisper as he cowered from some unseen thing. He couldn't muster the sense enough to say anything more. He was numbed.

Lawrence had been through his fair share of arguments before, naturally. Most were rather trivial, or impersonal, but this…was devestating. He had said the one thing, the most cruel, unintended thing to lash out at him, and the result made him sick to his stomach. Adam did not deserve that…He had taken away the foundation he had spent weeks building to try and get Adam's mindset in a comfortable place. To help him forget, to assure him that Jigsaw had been a madman and nothing more. His nightmares had finally died down. And with one, stupid, idiotic outburst, he had torn it all back up to the surface. It had made him furious to think on what Jigsaw said about Adam, and the words he had just used were: he was right. There was no apology that could fix that.

"…Just go." Adam shook his head, his voice still hollow and full of astounded hurt.

Lawrence didn't know what to say. He would have leapt to do absolutely anything Adam said at that point, anything that could remotely satisfy him. But how could he leave? Not like this. Still his voice failed him, however. He felt as though his voice was something poisonous after that. That it would only further upset him. And still, what would he do? He would normally soothe people with the usual touching or gentle words, but none of that did good right now when Adam was holding away from him on purpose. After all, it had never been him to break Adam down. Slowly, though battling against his baffled instincts, he turned for the door in a daze. He stopped hestiantly and floundered for a moment, clutching at the door frame like he was afraid something would shove him out. "I…I didn't mean it…" he barely uttered, doubting that Adam could have heard him. He nearly stumbled out of the apartment, and the door closed with the ghostly echo of a lonely click.

Adam stared on as Lawrence exited, taking another step back and shakily feeling his shoulders hit the wall. He leaned back and slid down to a slumped position on the floor, holding his arms tightly. …The quick flashes and memories of Jigsaw's puzzle were slowly fading from his vision, and he began to attempt to cope with his newfound misery. Jigsaw was right. Jigsaw was right… He murmured and rubbed the side of his head. Words had never been so crushing. He was such an idiot for starting that argument, what had he been thinking? Why did he always have to instigate these things, what was wrong with him…? But… At least…at least he knew now how Lawrence really felt. That was clear now, if nothing else. It would have had to come up some time or another…

Adam smirked slowly as tears warmed his cheeks a little. Now, he thought…maybe now Lawrence was finally free.