Rebirth – Chapter 39: The Final Nail
What? Really now, guys, you're asking me to write a happy ending? Where's the fun in that? …Well we'll just have to see, hm? That depends on what I think they deserve… :) There's more to come.
Lawrence rubbed his hands harshly over his face as he sat at his office chair, forcing out another gravelly sigh as he stared at the phone. Four…he had tried to call Adam four times today. But he wouldn't answer his phone…Concerned, Lawrence was dying just to pick up his keys and head for the door, but he was sure that Adam wasn't answering his phone for a reason. How could he want to talk to him, anyway? Lawrence scarcely thought he even had the right to try and get a hold of him, but the fact was, he couldn't stop himself. Could he just abandon him? But then, shouldn't he give him more time to cool off? Most likely… As this decision came, however, he realized that he was already dialing the number once more.
He held his breath as it rang. Please pick up…please pick up the phone, Adam… He rubbed the back of his neck in exasperation and shook his head. Maybe Adam wasn't even there. He could be out at the store, thought doubtful, he knew that Adam didn't like to shop. He could be out getting drunk somewhere…he might even have gone to see a family member. Lawrence almost wished that. Be there, just be there.
The phone clicked and Lawrence jumped.
"…Hello?" Adam's voice was rough, distant. But it was good to hear his voice, to know that he was there. At first Lawrence couldn't speak.
"Adam…Adam, please don't hang up on me." He managed, pleading that he wouldn't simply cut him off. There was a static pause… "Even though I know I deserve that…"
Lawrence slowly started to panic as he received no answer.
"You're…still there?" he prodded worriedly.
He heard a small sigh from the other end. "Yeah…what is it?"
That response was almost cold, but Lawrence was extremely grateful for it. "Look, I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now…So thanks…thank you, for listening I mean." He cleared his throat a little and nervously fondled the fabric on his knee. "I can't…I mean I could never expect you to forgive me. But…I'm sorry anyway. It's not good enough, but Adam, I'm so sorry…"
"…Sure…" Adam replied.
Lawrence sank down at the uncomfortable mutter, feeling horrible as he realized that Adam was just drawing inward again. "…I didn't mean that, and it's not true. I was angry—but it shouldn't've been at you." And out of all the things I've ever said to anyone, I don't regret any of them as much as I do that…
"That's why you called?" Adam asked.
"Yeah, well—that and…come on, Adam, I don't want us to be like this…" Lawrence tried pathetically.
"Us, huh? …"
Lawrence groaned internally. "You have every right to be angry. But Adam, I…Listen, Allison…Allison knows about us."
For that he received a long hesitation. There was momentary hope in Lawrence's chest as Adam's tone changed a bit. "…She…you told her?"
"More or less, yeah." Lawrence agreed.
"And…?"
"I don't know, she really…to be honest, she didn't take it so well. Not that I blame her…"
He slowly heard shifting, like Adam was moving around. "…Oh." He paused.
"I know I should've done it sooner, I really should've." Lawrence said.
"How did you…I mean, how did you go about telling her?"
"Well she confronted me about…" Lawrence started to confess, but he stilled as he heard Adam sigh.
"Oh. That's great. So you didn't tell her, she found out." His voice sounded strained.
Immediately Lawrence felt a surge of guilt. "No, it's not like…er…well…"
"Are you even getting a divorce?"
"I don't…know." He admitted. "I think so, anyway."
"Okay. Sure." He heard a dull chuckle. "So she finds out that you're sleeping around and you think she'll leave you. That's why you called me. I'm better than nothing, right? I appreciate the sentiment, man."
"What?" Lawrence sat up. "That's not it at all! Adam…"
"Sure Lawrence. …Is that it? Can I go now?"
"Adam, for God's sake…" Lawrence bit his lip. "I don't want to lose you."
"Fine, Lawrence, I don't want to do this, okay?" Adam cleared his throat, his voice quieting down. "Just…don't call here."
"Adam, I love you, for the love of—…I'm in love with you, don't you—don't you get that?"
There was something of a stunned reply on the other end. Or rather a stunned lack-there-of.
"…I know I never said it. I…" Lawrence momentarily studied over what he'd just said, trying to sort it out in his head.
"…Yeah." Adam said with a swallow.
"Couldn't you tell that, couldn't you…I don't know, feel it? When I was kissing you, touching you, making…love to you, you never…did you really think I was with you for a fling? …I must've done a piss poor job…Then I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry for everything." Lawrence murmured and waited with anxiety.
"…Maybe I-I loved you too, okay, but this—this can't work!" Adam decided. "It just won't…I was fooling myself thinking it could, I don't even know what I was thinking. This relationship doesn't make any goddamn sense! Forget it, don't feel like you have to do this. I won't be you're fucking burden anymore. So go back to Allison. And get back to your life, Lawrence."
"You're part of my life, please, don't shut me out, Adam—…" Lawrence tried desperately, but the phone clicked, and the voice on the other end was gone…maybe for good. Stifling a small cough, he gently let the phone drop onto the desk, putting his face down into his hands. A burden? You think you're a burden on me? But then what else could he think? He had belittled Adam for being as useless as Jigsaw said he was. He already knew that Adam felt guilty for Lawrence having risked his life for him. Perhaps he had dealt him a hurt that could not be reversed, nor forgiven. He was an idiot to think Adam would consider taking him back. At least he'd apologized now, if nothing else. He just wished that fact was more satisfying.
As it died, his short life with Adam briefly flashed before his eyes. Trying to comfort him from the other side of the room where he lay chained, crawling over to him. Waking up to find him in the hospital. Kissing him for the first time, touching him, gratifying him, that look on Adam's face as he realized that Lawerence was about to pull his pants down. Lying with him in comfort and simple moments between them that meant so much. Little gestures of affection that he himself took for granted. Sex, for sure, he remembered that. The feelings, the sounds Adam made, the mess. An exhaustion he was grateful for. Being, for the first time he could possibly remember if not truly the first time, drop-dead ridiculously in love. But it was all over now. Over. Lawrence presently had his face covered with his hands as his heart crumbled.
Everything was over. Allison would surely take Diana from him now, at least she would receive custody in divorce proceedings once he was portrayed in this light…He would be left alone in an empty house he would rarely be in anyway. Fall back into his work and become that mindless zombie that someone had tried to kill him for becoming. All the while he'd been working like that, he'd never even realized how horrible his life had been. And it had taken something much more horrible to show him that? It didn't make sense. But he had only himself to blame. Because in short, now, he had only himself.
