Rebirth – Chapter 40: Debris
So yeah. Thanks for the reviews, you guys are awesome! Writing is such a chore…Funny thing is, it's all I have to do now!
It had been almost two days since his confrontation. Two days since he'd seen Adam. Two days since he'd slept or eaten, for that matter. Not that he'd eaten much since his kidnapping, the ordeal had left a strange dent in his appetite. And sleeping just seemed a frivilous thing anyway. That afternoon he had nodded off on the couch in his emotional exhaustion, only to imagine in semi-consciousness that Adam was lying with him. Cruelly, as he reached down a hand to stroke his lover's hair, reality reminded him that such things were memories merely. His hand touched only a vast space of nothing, exactly what had taken place of any warmth he had before, and he felt again like a fool.
Sitting in the ruins of his life was harder than he had ever imagined. Lawrence had been brilliant in the past with disregarding his emotions enough to do whatever job was required of him, he was excellent at pretending that everything was alright when it wasn't. But he had no one to pretend to, and no task to fill his time. He only had hour upon hour to wallow, for he had no means to hide his emotions away from his own mind. He had confessed, apologized, and repented, and still, had gotten nowhere for it. Again, something was trying to take his life away from him. Maybe he did mean for me to live. Lawrence thought dismally as he stared down at his wronged foot. This is worse…living in a world without Diana, without Adam…this is worse. To give me something so great just to show me that it's there, and then snatch it away. Did I ever really hurt anyone so badly that I deserve to suffer for the rest of my life with this kind of pain? You old bastard…you only had to suffer for a few months…Even with that, I never took anything away from you.
Well I honest to fuck hope it made you happy. Lawrence leaned against a window of his kitchen in a withdrawled state. I hope it gives you some kind of little sick glimmer of joy while you're rotting your ass in Hell. I'm sure it was all justified, Jigsaw. I'm sure hurting innocent people like Diana…like Adam is justified, I'm sure you're worth that. I'm sure your pathetic, old, useless cadaver was worth it. For you. Just for you. You hurt them, you hurt them, God do I hate you…
But are you still taking to that psychotic, Lawrence, or are you talking to yourself? Even the voice that contradicted him sounded disillusioned.
What does it matter? Which should I hate more? We're both responsible for ruining their lives. And mine. Adam and Diana…I love them so much…how am I supposed to live without them? But no thought gave him an answer for that. His will to fight was crushed under the weight of his depression. It seemed as though he'd never said the words 'I love you' without having received a big 'so what?' in return. And so there wasn't much of Lawrence left today.
…To be honest, though he would never admit it, he had, for a few brief seconds, sincerely contemplated the idea of suicide this morning. By what logic should he still be breathing if his life had been taken away, after alll? But it went against his ethics, and it was a stupid thing to do. It was selfish. Even a heartbroken, miserable father who you would probably only see every other weekend from now on was better than none, wasn't it? He would continue to suffer, for her. But the problem was that he would continue to suffer.
"…Larry?" a voice found him from his right and he jerked around to see Allison. …It seemed odd, he hadn't seen her since their argument. Honestly he'd been trying to avoid her, as he knew she had been doing with him. She must have come to tell him that she was leaving now, where she would be…maybe give him a heads up that he was going to be served within the next few days. He quickly blinked away the tears that had been gathering in his eyes and looked her over.
"…Yeah…" he turned to her. His voice was cracked, unused for days. He felt as though he must look like a bum. Hadn't shaved, hadn't slept, hadn't eaten.
Allison looked at him for a long while, with some unreadable expression that made him rather curious. He didn't have the mind to ask about it though. "Can we talk?" she asked. Something about her tone was almost gentle. He supposed he must've looked rather pitiful to have earned that.
"Sure…" he nodded.
Allison rubbed her arm for a moment and sighed silently, daring her eyes up to his. "I-I know that we didn't exactly…end on the best terms the other night. I…Look, I said some things I wish I hadn't. I only really…thought about it later. How much they might've hurt you." She looked down again.
"No…I mean, I…I don't blame you for saying them." Lawrence said as he lethargically swept the hair from his eyes, which gave him something of an excuse to hide the fact he was wiping away the rest of his tears. It had grown out quite a little, he hadn't been bothered with the task of cutting it with so much else on his mind.
Allison shook her head and was quiet for a minute. "Larry, I…well I didn't mean to, but I sort of…I mean, yesterday I…" she swallowed and hesitated, not looking at him.
"…What happened?" he asked, fearing the worst. Then again, wasn't the worst already here? What could she have done that would bring him any more misery?
"I was listening to you…the other day. I heard what you said…" she admitted, but Lawrence was spared no confusion for it.
"What do you mean?"
"On the phone. When you were talking to Adam." She glanced back down the hall towards his office.
Lawrence blinked and stared at her, wondering what difference that could've possibly made.
"You know, Larry, I really don't know what happened to us." Allison went on, looking over to a side table where a few framed pictures lay. She touched over one that Lawrence remembered in particular—a vacation the two of them planned years ago in Cancun. A younger Lawrence and a pregnant Allison outside the resort, a memory that he had long since forgotten, even with the reminder of that portrait. He found it very sad and arbitrary that while that picture should have reminded him of the love they had once shared, the mere fact that it was a lovely picture made him think solely of Adam. "But whatever did," he was brought back to the matter at hand by her voice. "it happened years ago. That's how long this relationship's been dead."
Lawrence drew his eyes away from the photograph and lowered his head again. "I'm sorry, Allison…" he whispered.
"I'm the one who should apologize…" she replied. "Larry, I blamed you all these years. I really did. Whether I admitted it outright or not. But it was my fault too. If I really thought this marriage was worth saving, or that it could be saved, wouldn't I have done something about it? Wouldn't I have confronted you earlier instead of just resenting you behind your back…?"
Lawrence looked up at her with mild shock. "…It's…easy to say what we should've done…" he assured with a sort of shrug.
"I don't love you, Larry." Allison said as she shook her head, looking up at him apologetically. "I know it was selfish of me, terrible…but in some sense, I guess I just expected you to love me anyway."
Lawrence didn't know what to say.
"So I guess when I realized for sure that you didn't, I was angry." She went on. "But I…I heard what you said to Adam and…"
Lawrence's shoulders dropped. "I never meant to do this to you."
She held up a hand. "I know that you didn't get involved with him because you wanted to get away from me. I mean, that's what I thought at first. So do you…you really love him?"
Lawrence caught the uncomfortable look on her face and stood idle for a few moments, folding his arms. "Yeah." He confirmed in a mutter. "I know it…it seems weird. It doesn't seem like it should work. But I do, I love him."
Allison sighed again, biting her lip. "I can't…help but think maybe I really screwed that up for you, then."
"I screwed it up." Lawrence countered. "…I really did." But what was she saying? That she understood? Was it possible that she really understood all of this, that she wasn't angry at him anymore? Suddenly awestruck, he stared back at her.
"I wanted to look like the good guy, I think." Allison said shamefully. "If that meant making you out to look bad, it was worth it. I just wanted to blame things going wrong on you. So I'm sorry. You found someone, and that's great. I shouldn't be jealous."
"You mean you…?" Lawrence stuttered, gaping at her. "You don't…y-you're okay with me and…?"
"It's none of my business anymore, Larry." Allison gave him a small smile. "Let's just…get this awful marriage over with, huh?"
"…You mean that?" he asked.
"Yeah, okay? I signed the papers yesterday, so now…it's just waiting on you." Allison let out the barest of chuckles at the expression on his face.
"Allison…" Despite how absurdly awkward it was, he reached out and hugged her. "Thank you."
"All I can say is it's about time." She replied, shaking her head in shock as she tensed in his arms. She pulled off and looked at him calculatingly. "So…what'll you do now, Lar?"
Lawrence thought for a moment and bit his lip. "I…I'm not sure…I don't think Adam ever wants to see me again."
Allison nodded in what was almost sympathy. "Well…it's gonna take me a while to get used to this…and um, I don't really understand you anymore, but what's love without a fight, you know?"
Lawrence paused, absorbing her words with a careful nod. He was…getting divorced. He was single. Adam was single. And they were in love, but not together. Because of some stupid fight? Was that it? Lawrence took a moment to reflect on just how severe that factor could be. It was only then that the statement Adam had made on the phone truly sank in.
"…Maybe I-I loved you too, okay, but this—" Loved you too, he had said loved you too...hadn't he?
"This is stupid." He muttered aloud, and Allison looked at him quizically. He realized that she couldn't have caught on to his though process alone and he attempted to explain. "We uh…I…are you alright if I go out for a minute?" he instantly jumped and searched around quickly for his keys.
Allison shrugged and motioned to the door.
Lawrence picked his keys off the counter and went out the door again, his drive renewed.
