Rebirth – Chapter 42: Heart in Hand
Well what can I say but thanks so much? You guys are leaving the nicest reviews…I'm almost sort of freaked out that this fic hasn't even gotten flamed. I mean, wow…Is that world becoming, dare I say, manneristic? So thanks, because I can't tell you how accomplished I feel to know that someone was entertained by my writing even remotely. You didn't have to sit through and read all this, you didn't have to tell me what you thought of it, but you did, and I appreciate that immensely. …Anyway, here it goes again.
As he pulled up to the line of cars along the street, Lawrence was yanking off his seatbelt and practically bailing out of the car before he even really parked. Lord knows why he was in such a hurry. Perhaps his muscles were as frantic as his head was at the moment. He left his car in a rush, carelessly leaving the door open and the keys still in the ignition.
"What the hell—hey! Jackass!" screamed some driver of the car behind him whom he must have cut off, or parked in front of. Lawrence didn't pay any mind. He half-hobbled as fast as he could to the other side of the street and went for Adam's apartment building, somehow determined to make another stand. He couldn't let Adam slip away from him, and why should he? No, there wasn't giving up anymore. If he had learned anything, it was not to give up. And if the little moron wouldn't listen to reason, Lawrence would make him. He brazenly rushed forward into the door, but as he did, he nearly rammed right into—Adam…who was coming out the other way. Lo and behold that which was ironic convinience.
Lawrence leapt in shock and Adam froze instantly in midstep. Adam had his keys dangling from one hand, his jacket on and a bewildered expression on his face as he stood not nearly a foot away from Lawrence. For a few moments, all they could do was stare at one another, both processing the sudden shock of running right into each other so unprepared. After a numb expanse of it, Lawrence relaxed his stance just a little and let out a breath, tentatively raising one hand in a slow motioned wave. Adam only gaped back at him.
Lawrence could guess the reason for Adam's staring. He knew that he looked a mess. Hair unkempt and down in his eyes, face gruff and unshaven, one look down and—oh, yep, still in his pajamas. Fabulous, what a way to make a plea for someone's heart. Well he wouldn't have have caught Adam in time if he had stopped to spruce up, by the looks of it. He swallowed heavily and breathed a level sigh. "Adam…hey there." He greeted, panting just slightly.
Adam slowly took out of his rigid standing and looked Lawrence up and down. When he brought his eyes back to his face, Lawrence could clearly see the heartache in them. "Lawrence…" he said quietly, stepping back a bit.
Please don't run from me. "…I came to uh…see you." Oh good job, Lawrence. God knows what he must've thought you were here for.
Adam shook his head and recoiled, staring at him blankly. Lawrence wondered if he was just giving him another unecessary pain…but didn't he at least have the right to try? "What do you want, man?" Adam asked, like a man who had had a long day and was not up for a conversation.
Lawrence grimaced and let his hand drop. "I…miss you…" You sound utterly pathetic, would you pick it up?
Adam stared on at him with a barely noticable tremble, fidgeting nervously, like always. "That's it…?" he asked, scoffing a little, but not looking at him now.
"No, that's not it." Lawrence said. "That's not even half of it."
"Yeah, then what is?" Adam pushed. "…You left something here? I can get it for you, but I'm in a hurry."
"Yeah." Lawrence nodded. "You. I left you."
"I don't wanna do this, move out of the way." Adam grunted painfully. Lawrence didn't move, and Adam softened. "…Please."
Lawrence didn't move. If he wanted to come forward, he was going to have to come to him. "I don't know how many times you want me to apologize, Adam, but I'll do it as many times as you want. I don't know how many times you want me to say I love you, but I'll say it."
Adam clenched his teeth and shook his head, looking down. "Don't." he ordered gruffly. "I've…I've gotta go, I've got somewhere to be." Adam quickly moved as someone tried to get out the door behind him.
Lawrence murmured as Adam shoved past him, seemingly intent on blowing him off. Somewhere to be? Where did he have to be? He wasn't doing his old job or anything, was—…his job! "Adam," Lawrence turned to look at him as he pushed passed. Adam's interview had been the other day…the day that Adam had called him telling him about the police, and Eric. "Adam, I never even asked you…how…how did your interview go…? With Ryka?"
Adam stopped slowly, turning a little and closing his eyes for a minute before opening them. Guilt shone clear in his features. He chuckled bitterly and shook his head again. "…I got the job…" he uttered almost sadly.
Lawrence's shoulders fell in relief. "That's great…"
"Yeah, sure, Lawrence…go home." He demanded, turning again to walk away.
"Adam, please wait!" Lawrence begged, aiming to grab at him as he walked away. He missed clumsily, however, and tripped over his bad foot, collapsing to the ground with a painful yelp.
Adam instantly whirled around, a breath caught in his chest as he looked back at Lawrence in brief panic. "Jesus, man—" he almost went for him, but he held back apprehensively. His concern was evident, but he remained still, as though some hand had a grip on his shoulder.
Lawrence groaned and sat himself up on the ground, putting a hand to his ankle and looking back out at Adam. "Adam, God damnit, you give me one reason!" he growled out. "Give me one reason why we can't be together! I spent the last two days agonizing over this, over us! Over something that should be, but isn't, and I don't know why! I'm just asking for one! One legitimate reason, you owe me that much!"
Adam's breath was increasing, his nerves wracked and his emotions strained. He was at the end of his rope, he was at the end of his world, and he was fighting a battle from the side he didn't want to be on. He looked at Lawrence indignantly and tightened his fists at his sides. "Because you're married!" he called back. "You have a family! You have a life, that's why, Lawrence—" a hiccupping gulp wrenched in his throat for just a second. "You have a life…"
Lawrence looked on at him with mournful eyes. Adam had things all sorted. He put himself in the place he thought he should be in, he kept Lawrence in the place he thought he should be in. Maybe from his point of thinking, that was a fair assessment… Lawrence scanned Adam's face intently. "…Give me two." he said.
"W…what?" Adam's eyes narrowed, then widened.
"I said give me two."
Adam clenched his eyes shut and tried to turn away. "God, Lawrence, please…don't do this to me."
"Me do this to you? You've gotta be kidding." Lawrence didn't bother trying to get up, even as people walked around him on the sidewalk. "What kind of man would I be if I didn't fight for you? I'm leaving Allison, I'm doing it now, today, alright? That's why I'm here!"
"No man. No, don't get divorced because of me. I thought about this too, you know? Don't do it, it's not worth fucking up your whole life! Your reputation, your family! I thought you understood all that, are you really so fucking stupid that you would turn your whole life upside down o-on this?" Adam insisted.
"You think you're saving me, Adam, but you're not! You're killing me!" he responded roughly, and Adam cringed. "I would divorce her whether you were in the picture or not! You're just insentive! I don't care if you believe that, but it's true! Allison signed the papers already—I'm signing them today as soon as I get the chance, but…I had to come here."
Adam blinked repeatedly at him, mouth falling open a little.
"So don't you see? Don't you see now? There's no reason…there isn't a reason…" Lawrence concluded hopefully.
At this statement, something in him slowly calmed, tamed down by his clear surprise as he thought this confession over in his head. Adam stared on at him still, eyes almost lost. Maybe he didn't know what to think. Lawrence met his gaze and begged him with that gaze to just see, to just look at what was between them. There was love, there was want, there was need, there was friendship and passion…But most of all, that at the moment, there was nothing between them. Nothing standing between them. And yet still they stood apart, because, for a reason that he hoped Adam would forget, there was currently physical distance between them as well. He couldn't bare that distance, that distance that spread them apart as though there were chains around their ankles, holding them away from one another…he couldn't bare that feeling, not ever again.
Adam was on the verge of tears as it was, and he tried his damndest to stop them. "She…she signed the papers?" he asked in that timid, almost childlike tone.
Lawrence swallowed heavily at the dryness in his throat and sniffed slightly, wiping a fist over his upper lip. "…Hey…" he smiled weakly and nodded. "…would I lie to you?"
Adam's mouth opened as though he was going to say something again, but his foot lifted like he was battling where to go. "…Christ…" he finally uttered in a miserable cry. He leapt away from the middle of the street where he'd been standing, almost as though he feared it would hold him back, and bounded loyally back to Lawrence. He dropped to his knees and immediately threw his arms around him, nearly sending them both to the cement as he did so. "Lawrence—" Adam choked on a quiet sob and buried his face into a shoulder.
Lawrence encircled his arms around Adam's body as hard as he could, relief flooding his senses like never before. He kissed him feverishly along his face and the top of his head, tears trickling freely as he pulled Adam's body up against him. "Adam, thank God…" he muttered, rather to himself.
"I'm sorry," Adam choked out. "I-I love you, I did, I do, I didn't say it, I'm sorry, I never meant to do all this! With J-Jigsaw or the pictures, and Eric and the police and Allison, and I—" he rambled in an unthinking gush.
"It's fine, it's just fine now, everything's okay…" Lawrence assured in a hushed tone as he smoothed a hand up Adam's back to the back of his head. He pushed his forehead against Adam's in a gentle movement, cracking a smile even through his tears.
Adam clutched desperately at him as though afraid that he was leaving…somehow afraid again that they were both going to die—the same feelings as before, in that room, all brought up once more as the very real shock of losing Lawrence again reminded him of its potential. The difference now was that he could cling to him without fearing that he would pull away. That he would bleed to death. He crushed his mouth up against Lawrence's in a pleading kiss, which was received warmly as Lawrence tightened his embrace and swallowed him with a submitting strength.
Adam wildly battled him for a minute, hands gripped in his now longish blonde hair, forcing his head back, spurred on by some possessive urge that suggested maybe Lawrence was keeping his promise…maybe he wouldn't leave. It didn't even occur to him at the time that they were out in public—in the middle of a sidewalk. Though he had been ashamed, and though he had hated it, everything was okay now simply because Lawrence had said it was. He kept telling himself over and over before that he couldn't depend on Lawrence, that it wasn't fair. But when you loved someone, dependency was an obligation, he supposed. Maybe on some level, Lawrence depended on him too. However, he wasn't willing to commit to that thought, aware of how emotionally distorted he currently was.
Lawrence gripped Adam with both hands on his face and pulled him back, again leaning his head forward to rest against Adam's to look him closely in the eyes. "You have to believe me Adam. You have to listen. I meant everything I said to you…everything except for one, stupid thing. You're not a burden. I'm not giving anything up for you, even though I would. You said you needed me once, Adam, I needed you too, and I still do. Stick with me, just stick with me and I promise I'll make it good for you…"
"Y-yeah. Yeah, okay." Adam managed as his voice cracked, as pathetic and tear-struck as he had been the first time they'd parted.
Lawrence pulled him back into a hug, shutting his eyes and shuddering in satisfaction. Things fell away now, and couldn't he let them? He couldn't help but feel that this was the embrace he had been waiting for for years. The suffering, the pain, the torment, the agony and misery and depression and self-hatred—wasn't it all worth a happy ending? And that's what this was, wasn't it? Happy…
So at the moment, neither of them could think about what had brought them together, or why. They didn't bother thinking about the fact that if it had never happened, they may have never ended up together. Or that they had, like two complete idiots, fallen ass-backwards into an impossible love and fucked it up more times than what should be normal for your average couple. Certainly, neither of them could think at the moment about what Jigsaw's motive had really, truly been…or if somehow, he knew—if somehow, he saw something in them they couldn't see in themselves.
Because there are people that sit in their ordinary lives and look at themselves in the mirror every day and say "I hate you, and I hate my life". There are many people who live every minute of their existence with a very aware passion, a disgust for the way that things are and an opinion for the way things should be. Lawrence and Adam had not been followers of these examples. They had lived their lives in quiet hatred, they had denied that things were wrong simply to get through the day. They had never allowed themselves the luxury of wishing for something better, because they were sure they didn't deserve it all the same. And yet when they had been threatened with death, when they had been violated and broken down back to the barest moorings of their humanity, they had been raised once more to remember that life was something to feel passion for. Whether you hated it, whether you loved it, whether you were reflecting upon it or wishing to change it, that you were alive, and it meant something that you knew it.
Adam and Lawrence had fought for their lives, they had struggled through pain, through hell, and in being alive and weak and vulnerable again…in being confused, afraid, and desperate just to breathe, they had been reborn…And perhaps now, the memories of those past existences, about Jigsaw and about the quiet life of hatred, and the misery they knew sitting in an ordinary life with nothing to say, didn't matter so much anyway.
Author's Note: Stay tuned for Epilogue.
