Final Fantasy Big Brother
Author's Note: This insane little fluffy fanfic came to me as I was walking to school with a friend, discussing Final Fantasy and… reality TV shows. It's a strange little life I lead, isn't it? Anyway, we thought this could be a bit of a laugh and even though I'm the first to admit I'm not a great humour writer I still thought I'd give it a shot. Oh, and for those of you that maybe don't know Big Brother is a reality show based on the book 1984 where a bunch of people are all thrown together into a house with no contact with the outside world, watched the whole time by a series of hidden cameras usually with amusing results especially when the alcohol comes in! I've put this in the FF Crossovers section because it contains characters from Final Fantasy VII, VIII and X. Like I say, this is my first humour fic so please read and review.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Final Fantasy's or the related characters/places or the concept of Big Brother, okay?
Prologue: Touring the House
As the familiar Big Brother theme music came blasting out of the nearby speakers, the audience, crammed away from the stage behind iron barracks and tough-looking SeeD on loan from Balamb Garden, scream and shout excitably. They're all wrapped up warm against the mid-winter cold and several are waving banners with slogans sprawled on them such as, "Sexy Reno – get your kit off!" and "BB Babes Forever."
Standing on a raised platform, bathed in golden rays from the surrounding spotlights, is a tall, skinny woman with short blonde hair. She's in a slinky red dress and stiletto heels that she's clearly not used to wearing.
Elena smiles brightly into the wrong camera then, after a moment of listening hard to her earpiece, switches to the correct camera, holding up the microphone to her mouth.
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the time has finally arrived!" she announces proudly to another loud cheer from the audience. "It is time for Big Brother 2005 to begin, and this year it's going to be eviler than ever and by that we mean ShinRa evil. Yep, that bad."
Elena is interrupted by a sudden round of booing from the assembled crowd and ducks with a sudden "eep" noise as a chair goes flying over the head before ploughing hastily on with, "W-we'll be introducing the first housemate firstly but let's begin with a quick look around the Big Brother house where they shall be spending the next few weeks. Reno and Rude, over to you!"
With another yell of delight from the crowd, the view changes to a large garden. The gardens most distinguishing feature is a doughnut-shaped swimming pool at the centre. A high wooden fence surrounds the rest of the garden with barbed wire lining the top of it and cameras at several intervals and a patio with glass doors leading into the house itself. In another corner of the garden is a contraption similar to a chicken coop with around half a dozen baby chocobos pecking around inside. Standing in the centre is a man in a black suit with a shaven head, his eyes hidden by a pair of tinted sunglasses. His head turns from side to side and he gives a small cough.
After another moments awkward silence, another man stumbles into view, his own suit crumpled and his flame-red hair even more messy than usual. He turns to face the camera revealing the lipstick marks smeared over his face and hastily grabs a microphone offered to him by a frantic stagehand.
"H-hello, everyone," stuttered Reno, smiling into the camera. "How are you? Yeah, sorry about that we had – er – technical difficulties, yeah, that's it."
Beside him, Rude tuts and even though it's difficult to tell due to his dark sunglasses it seems as though he is rolling his eyes.
"Moving on," continues Reno, trying to maintain some level of professionalism, "A-as you can see, this is the garden where the housemates will come to… go to the garden."
"How have you not been fired yet, Reno?" Rude hisses to his colleague.
"Because I have so many fangirls they'd overrun the studio if I was," Reno mumbles back before clearing his throat and moving over to the glass doors. After a moments struggling and mild swearing, Rude steps forward and slides them the other way. They open with ease.
"I knew that," Reno says quickly before ushering the cameraman into a wide room that combined sitting room and kitchen. It is circular in shape with silver walls and a generally futuristic feel to it with strange shaped furniture in bright garish colours. The kitchen is small but sufficient enough for cooking the housemate's meals without too much difficulty and a long table surrounded by chairs sits in the middle of the room. Long wine flutes have been carefully arranged on it, filled with champagne and Reno makes a quick dash towards one. Rude holds out a hand to stop him and Reno sighs.
"Yeah, I guess I'd better not push my luck too far," admits Reno then remembers that they're still on film. "Uhh, yeah, well this is the main area for the housemates where they'll relax, cook and eat. And," Reno glances around wildly for something to speak about, "Oh, look, here's a door. Let's see what's in here."
Reno tugs at the handle once, twice then gestures frantically at Rude.
"It's locked," says Rude flatly. "That's the task room which is specially set up for each of the tasks every week. They told us it would be, remember?"
"Of course! I knew that." Reno hurries over to another door and pulls it open. "Ah! Here we go. This is the Diary Room where the housemates will go to whine about each other and have nervous breakdowns and stuff. I think it's my favourite."
Reno steps back and the cameraman shuffles forward into a very small room about the size of a store cupboard. Inside is a large, round chair that takes up most of the room which curves inwards for the housemates to sit down. It's blue with the letters S-E written in silver at the back.
"S-E?" Reno can be heard saying. "What the-? Square-Enix? Talk about self advertising!" Frantic noises can be heard coming from Reno's earpiece then he quickly adds, "I mean, Square-Enix can do what they like. After all, they are the great minds that created us humble beings and incidentally sponsor this show. They can do all of the self-advertisement they want. In fact, I think we should all just take a minute now and reflect on the gloriousness that is Square."
There is a moment's pause, and then Rude's voice is heard. "Reno? Uh, Reno? I think you can stop now."
"Oh, okay, right," says Reno hurriedly before leading the cameraman over to another door. "Apparently we've already cut to being five minutes longer than we should have been so let's get moving, shall we?"
He pulls it open, briefly showing a large blue room with several small bunk beds and cabinets inside. "Bedroom," says Reno while practically sprinting across the room to another door.
"Bathroom," he says, waving at a smaller room with a shower, toilet, sink and mirrors on all the walls. "Oh, and by the way, yes there is a camera behind each and every one of those mirrors."
Reno hops back out and into the living area again before pushing open one final door. "And this – a new feature this year – is the training centre. You see, last time housemates started getting a little bored and frustrated, especially because we confiscated all of their weapons and materia before letting them in and unfortunately since they had no way to let out their feelings there was a slight incident involving a glass bottle and… it ended up nasty. But seriously, Cait Sith man, if you insist on being so seriously annoying you have got to expect this sort of thing."
Rude coughed again, and Reno got back to the subject. "So, yeah, the big bosses told us that if we wanted to be aired again ever – which we do because otherwise there's no way I'll be able to afford my lifestyle anymore – we'd have to make some major safety changes one of which was adding this gym for them to let their anger out in a… productive fashion."
The room is large and square and filled with gym equipment of every form, from treadmills to punch bags. There is even a big blue mat in the centre of the floor for practising moves with each other.
"How much are you lot hoping a couple of this years girls are going to get drunk and start having a catfight on this? Hell, if we're really lucky someone clever will even throw some water on them!" Reno says cheerfully. Beside him, Rude groans.
"Oh, right, sorry. Back to you Elena, I – I think," Reno says hastily. He waits a second then yells audibly, "Right, now I'm going to get me some of that wine!"
The scene changes back to Elena standing with one hand on her hip looking eternally embarrassed. "Yes, thank you Reno for that very… professional insight into the Big Brother house. Don't go away because after the break comes the moment we've all been waiting for. Yes, that's right – the housemates will actually be entering the house!"
