13: The Stillness of Mind

They arrived back at the Jedi Enclave the next afternoon. Bastila waited for them in the vast vehicle bay as Carth parked their rented Sorosuub. Lal caught sight of her sister as she and Mission guided a weak-kneed Juhani out of the speeder. The Cathar Jedi was wrapped in a silver thermal blanket to cover her nudity, and she was still a bit confused from her ordeal.

Canderous hopped down off the top of the speeder and propped his heavy rifle on his shoulder. He threw a pointed glance at Bastila and then held Lal's gaze for a moment before he left the hangar. Though he said nothing, his message was clear enough to Lal. He didn't trust Bastila, or any of the Jedi, and he expected Lal to be mindful of his warning.

Zaalbar stepped out of the speeder next, ducking low to pass through the hatch. With a howl, he hefted a sack containing AyVee's components. He'd had some success in repairing some of AyVee's parts, but didn't have the tools on hand to reassemble the droid. If he couldn't find what he needed on the Hawk, Lal was thinking about taking the droid to Crattis, to see what he could do. In a rumbling growl, Zaalbar grudgingly promised Lal he'd do his best. Lal smiled at the Wookiee and reached into the sack to give AyVee's head a pat. He was such a useful little thing, and she was already missing him. But still, he seemed to annoy the hell out of Zaalbar, and she couldn't quite figure out why Zaalbar was so willing to fix the droid. Zaalbar looked from Lal to Bastila and back again, and then chucked Mission's shoulder. He tossed a thumb at the exit and roared.

"Huh?" Mission grunted back. "Oh yeah…well, let me get my rifle and we can scoot." Mission dashed back inside the speeder, bumping into Carth as he stepped out. Mission sighed dramatically at him and disappeared inside.

Carth rolled his eyes at the Twi'lek and moved up beside Lal. She couldn't help but notice how close he stood to her shoulder; almost protectively. Lal smiled and felt her insides warm up.

"I'm glad to see you're unharmed, Lal," Bastila said, her voice cool and placid. She spoke with the same stilted distance she'd had in her voice when they first met back on Taris. For a tiny moment, Lal almost forgot this was her sister standing before her. Lal cocked her head at Bastila, but the young Jedi ignored the question in her sister's eyes.

Lal decided not to press it. She had other matters on her mind. "Juhani probably needs looking at by a doctor," she told Bastila.

Bastila frowned up at the lean Cathar and nodded after a moment. "The Jedi will deal with her," Bastila said. "But they wish to speak with you, Lal."

"Something told me they wouldn't give me a chance to shower," Lal sighed. "No matter. For once, I want to speak with them as well."

"I'm going with you two," Carth announced, arching an eyebrow at Bastila. "It's about time I got some answers around here."

"I'm afraid not, Carth," Bastila said. "This is a Jedi matter."

"Sure. Right. Listen, Bastila, I've been involved in one too many Jedi matters for you to just give me the brush-off. Either you take me to see the Council, or I'm heading back to Coruscant."

"Carth," Lal said, turning to lay her hand on his chest. She stared up into his eyes as she spoke. "Please be patient? As a favor to me? Just a little while longer?"

Carth scowled and glanced away from her. He balled his fists on his hips but gave her a curt nod. Lal stretched up to place a swift kiss on his mouth. She smiled and patted his unshaven cheek.

"Alright, Basi. Let's go and have a chat with the Council."

"Chairs," Lal said absently as she and Bastila stood before the Council. She glanced around the broad circular chamber and nodded once. "That's what this room needs. Chairs."

"I have often thought the same," Master Zhar chuckled. "It's good to see you well, Lal."

"Indeed," Master Vandar nodded, squinting up at Lal, "and intact."

Vrook said nothing; he simply folded his arms across his chest and looked down at Lal with his customary glare. Dorak sat in an adjoining chamber, bent over a library computer station.

"Lal, you have succeeded in returning Juhani," Zhar said, "whom we had thought lost. We have sensed a shift in the Force, like a great pall lifting. I trust you were successful."

"I don't really know," Lal shrugged. "And I'm not really here to chit-chat, I'm afraid. I have some questions, and I was promised answers."

"Again," Vrook hissed, "you take it upon yourself to make demands of this body…"

"Well, given the demands you've made on my body," Lal chuckled, "I think it's quite reasonable. For some time now, I've had the sense that none of you are telling me the entire truth. Every time I've been brought before you, you've revealed some new little tidbit, as if you're afraid I won't be able to take it in a single dose. If we're going to be working together, then it's time you told me all that you know about me."

Zhar glanced down at Vandar, and then over at Vrook. "What would you like to know?" Zhar asked. As he spoke, Master Dorak rose from his computer and joined them.

"Why am I dreaming of Revan and Malak? Why am I seeing their…their memories?"

"Awakening your own memories are," Vandar said. "And expanding your senses are, as well. Hmm."

"No," Lal shook her head. "No. I was having odd dreams like this before any of this happened…"

"It's not exactly uncommon for a Jedi to see companions and associates in their dreams," Vrook replied.

"Hmm," Vandar nodded. "Uncommon it is not. Lead you on the crusade against the Mandalorians Revan did. And foremost in your thoughts are they both. But…correct you are, Lal. A reason there is for your dreams. Recently, discovered we did ancient ruins on the surface of Dantooine. There did Revan and Malak discover…something."

"'Something'?" Lal repeated.

"Kept it a secret they did," Vandar went on. "Even now, know we do not what they found."

"Master Nemo was sent to investigate these ruins," Vrook said, "but we've had no word from him. "

"Lal," Dorak began to explain, "long ago, there was a race of beings that lived on Dantooine. We've been discovering their artifacts and burial chambers for years. Archeological studies and deep resonance imaging have shown there to be ancient structures below ground. Complex structures, I might add…requiring sophisticated engineering skills the natives simply didn't have. It's truly a fascinating little mystery…"

"What Master Dorak is trying to say, Lal," Zhar interrupted with a soft chuckle, "is that some ancient culture likely built these places to house the natives. Revan found one of these chambers. We believe they used this chamber to hide from us. But after analyzing the vision…the dream, as you call it…that you and Bastila both shared, we think the two of them found something there. Something very dangerous and ancient."

Lal suddenly found herself thinking about the Shadow. Malak had spoken in her dream of a dark presence…perhaps the two of them had inadvertently released something…

Vandar stared curiously up at her. "Hmm. Had a thought, you did, hmm?"

I…" she frowned down at the diminutive Jedi master. "Well…the…the thing responsible for the kath hound attacks…It was some sort of dark…ghost…It spoke of freedom…like it had been released. It had turned Juhani into a feral beast almost."

"Hmm," Vandar nodded. "Emanation of the Dark Side was this being. A ghost it was not."

"Lal, when beings strong in the Force perish," Zhar told her, "they sometimes leave a…a trace of themselves behind. An energy pattern trapped in the Force. A shadow, if you will. Driven by a long dead will, by memory…with an ability to direct the energies of the Force on a rudimentary level. For one strong in the Dark Side…cruel ambitions and desires become almost like…spiritual programming. These things can be dangerous to the living. Especially to a Jedi who has fallen to the Dark Side. The passions and madness of the Dark Side are like meat and drink to these Shadows. Juhani was particularly vulnerable in all likelihood. And because of the things you did on Taris as an assassin, Lal…you were vulnerable as well."

"Is that why you sent me after it? To see if I would fail?"

"No, Lal," Zhar sighed. "All Jedi must learn to resist the lure of the Dark Side. Without quite knowing or understanding it, you have been exposed to the Dark Side for the past three years. It was determined that if you could resist the pull of the Dark Side…then…"

"Then possess the necessary discipline you would, Lal," Vandar said, finishing Zhar's thought.

"Necessary discipline?" Lal asked incredulously. "For what? To bloody challenge Malak to some sort of…duel? Is that what this is all building up to? While I can certainly appreciate the concept of cutting off the serpent's head, Darth Malak has a fleet, which everyone says is fairly well unstoppable. Getting past that fleet to fight him would be tantamount to suicide. Besides which…I don't do wetwork anymore…"

Vandar frowned and glanced over his shoulder up at Dorak. "Hmm. What does it mean, 'wetwork'?"

"Ah. Curious etymology of the word," Dorak brightened, holding up his finger. "Originally, obscure military jargon used to refer to any sort of clandestine violence; it became mainstreamed due to popular fiction and various lurid holonet crime dramas, such as--"

"Ah, assassination," Vandar said quickly, before Dorak could go off on a tangent. "Understand, do I. But wrong you are, Lal. Not in the business of…wetwork are the Jedi."

"No?" Lal asked. "But didn't you send my little sister to destroy Darth Revan?"

"Bastila…and others…were sent to stop Revan," Vrook said with a growl, "but killing was always a last resort. And besides, Bastila didn't kill Revan. Malak did."

As Vrook spoke those last words, Lal felt a sharp tinge of anger and sadness erupt from Bastila. Lal turned and saw her sister's brow creased sharply in thought. Or perhaps remembered pain. Bastila noticed Lal's scrutiny and smiled tightly. The emotions she was broadcasting suddenly closed down. Lal continued to stare at Bastila as silence gripped the Council chamber. Basi clearly had a problem with Vrook's accounting of events.

And that meant Lal did too.

But she wouldn't press it just yet, she decided, folding her arms across her breasts. "Alright. Assassination is out. What's left?"

"Perhaps, pose to you, the question we should…?" Vandar suggested, a sly twinkle in his bright green eyes. "To defeat a seemingly unstoppable enemy, what would you do?"

"In theory? Well, that's simple. Find out what it is that makes him so unstoppable, and then remove that advantage. Or make it into a disadvantage. But theory is always simple, isn't it? It's the doing which is hard."

"Hmm. Very good. Very good, Lal. And correct you are. Difficult it is to do. Yes. Hmm. But, undertake a task, a Jedi does not do, simply because easy it is. Not always easy is expediency. Or simple."

"So, you don't want me to kill Malak for you. What do you want, then?"

"To investigate these ruins, we want," Vandar told her. "And do this, we feel you must. You and your sister. Revealed to you a destiny the Force has. The visions have you had. And Bastila. Tied are you together, very strongly. Go to the ruins, you must, and learn whatever it is that Revan and Malak did."

"Lal," Bastila said, "I'm almost certain that Revan and Malak found something in those ruins we dreamed…something which gave them the advantage in this conflict. I'm also certain that the experience will help jog your own memories…"

"An irresponsible claim to make, young Padawan," Vrook scolded Bastila.

"Which part?" Lal asked, lifting her chin defiantly. "The part about the advantage, or the part about my memories?"

Vrook glanced at Lal and narrowed his eyes into chips of granite. "There may literally be nothing we…or anyone…can do to restore your memories, Lal. They will most likely…return given sufficient time. Or they may never return. In any event, recovering your memories is not a priority here. You've already…proven that you don't need them to succeed. Your body remembers what your mind doesn't."

"I see," Lal murmured, dubious of Vrook's words. "So, what are you telling me, then? That I'm a Jedi again? Just like that?"

Vrook snorted. "Being a Jedi is a bit more than back-flips and mind tricks. But you seem to have the skills necessary to survive. To be fully honest, it's likely you never lost those skills. The…lifestyle you were forced into on Taris is certainly an unforgiving one. That you survived, and even excelled for three years is an obvious testament to your ability to manipulate the energies of the Force."

"Dangerous this is, Lal," Vandar added. "But lucky have you been. No concept did you have of your use of the Force. Accordingly, less vulnerable to the Dark Side were you. Ironic, it is. Known what you were doing, had you, a slave to the Dark Side you would have become. Contradicts our teaching though it does, in this case, benefited you, ignorance has."

"There is no ignorance," Lal recited, recalling the words that sprang to her lips with Juhani in the grove. "There is knowledge…"

"Hmm," Vandar grunted with a nod. "Yes."

"Is that what happened to Juhani?" Lal asked. "She fell…knowingly to the Dark Side or some such?"

"Succumbed to a moment of anger did Juhani," Vander explained. "Blinded her to her lessons it did. To reality. Unfortunate occurrence it is."

"Juhani's people are a race of warriors, Lal," Zhar said. "They are still a fairly…primitive people, and they are known for their savagery in combat. Some of them can enter a sort of ecstasy in combat, a berserk rage, if you will. Much like their ancient warrior ancestors. This has happened before with Cathar Jedi. But Juhani is strong. Her people also have meditative traditions designed long ago to wrest them from their battle rages. May I ask why you are so concerned with Juhani?"

Lal was concerned mainly because she felt she knew what Juhani was going through. Passing through a confused storm of darkness, buffeted by dangers and temptations beyond her control. But the Jedi Masters certainly didn't need to know this. Instead, Lal simply said, "I helped her escape from that Shadow's clutches. Of course I would be concerned with her condition. And what will happen to her."

Vandar nodded sagely and shared a smile with Zhar. He also threw a pointed stare in Vrook's direction. "Compassion. A virtue it is. And essential to a Jedi."

"Indeed," Vrook shrugged. "It's also what drove Revan to fight the Mandalorians. We must never forget that, Masters. No one here needs to be reminded that Lal followed along that path."

"The past is the past, Lamar," Zhar sighed. "We must remain cognizant of it, but we must not focus on it to the point of distraction from the present."

Vrook inclined his head. "I bow to the wisdom of my esteemed colleague. Of course."

"So," Lal frowned, "That's why you're all so close-lipped. You're afraid that if I regain my memories, that I'll simply revert to my old ways. Either that, or I'll simply return to my behavior while on Taris and become…seduced by the Dark Side…"

"Lal," Vandar began, "succumb to the Dark Side do even the most experienced and dedicated of Jedi. Always a danger it is. But, the lesson you learned with Juhani; always the possibility of redemption there is. If pursued by the fallen it is. A truth that is, which also must not be…must never be forgotten."

"I…" Lal fumbled for words in the face of what Vandar had just said. She hadn't expected that from the Jedi. She had suspected that they were using her because she was an expendable asset. And maybe there was some truth in that. But if Master Vandar actually believed what he was saying…

The implications pounded into her heart and lodged there. She couldn't explain it, but his words had lifted a weight of burdensome mistrust from her thoughts. They were using her, but perhaps they were also laying within her their hopes and wishes. Perhaps, hope that she would…would return to them.

Lal turned away from such thoughts. They distracted her. They were too intangible. The galaxy had taught her to rely upon more solid truths than the idealistic possibilities in the heart of man. But still, it was a comforting thought…

"Tell me about a woman named Sideen," she said abruptly, surprising them all.

"Sideen Ralli," Zhar mused, his eyes wrinkling at the corners. "Yes. We were…surprised to learn you had taken her name. But it also gave us hope that you remembered something of your true life. Did you dream of her as well, Lal?"

Lal frowned in thought. She could not remember having actively taken any sort of name…that was simply the name Davik had told her was her own. "Yes. I dreamed of Sideen. On Taris."

"Yes," Zhar nodded, lowering his eyes. "She was a good friend. Both of you were stationed on Taris before the onset of the Mandalorian conflict."

"Was I her…Padawan…or something along those lines?"

"No, Lal," Zhar shook his head. "You were not a Padawan at that point in time. You were a Knight. A very powerful one. No, you and Sideen Ralli were simply…very good friends. I…I trust Bastila told you what Malak and Revan did to the Jedi who had followed them in the War?"

Lal remembered back to their discussion on the Hawk, traveling to Dantooine. "When they turned, they hunted the others down. To keep them from being a threat."

Zhar nodded. "Many of the Jedi returned to the order. They sought redemption, and most received it. Because of their loyalty to the Jedi order, these Knights now posed a threat to Revan and Malak, and their dark plans. Of course, others remained loyal to Revan. Like Bandon. When you were returned to us…you were in…a highly non-responsive state. We have no idea what horrors you experienced to shut you off so completely from the world, but you were…you seemed completely gone. Sideen took it upon herself to take care of you. She was alone when Bandon came for her. He had assistance, of course. Dark Jedi now devoted to the ways of the Sith, as he and his masters were. She…she did not survive. And you were left vulnerable."

"Wh-what happened?"

"Well," Zhar continued, "in a tragically bizarre turn of events, Davik Kang chose that moment to abduct you. Whether he knew about Bandon's actions or not…it's impossible to know."

Lal's shoulders fell as his words chewed into her. Davik still could reach out to grasp her in his claws, even from beyond the grave. With every new thing she learned, his grip squeezed. She could almost hear him laughing in her head.

"Obviously," Vrook said, "Davik Kang must have taken a composite of yours and Sideen's names. He had ample opportunity to know both of you from your time on Taris."

Lal nodded automatically. "He had ample opportunity to know both of us from our time on Taris…" That was, of course, logical. It had to be the truth. It fit with all the facts she had been told up until now, but…

It's too convenient, a voice whispered in her head. And as she thought about this, she realized that Vrook's words had filled her head with smoke, like wisps of cotton pushing against her thoughts; clinging to them. Mind tricks, she realized suddenly. But as soon as she recognized it, she killed the thought, stuffed it deep down inside of her so they couldn't sense it.

Vrook had just lied to her. And to drive that lie home, he had wrapped it around a Jedi trick. Why would he do that? Why would he try to convince me of something that they had already admitted to be speculation? Lal looked up and saw Vandar glaring angrily at Vrook. Vrook ignored the small Jedi Master and just stared impassively at Lal with his arms folded upon his chest.

"I suppose that must be it," Lal finally said, shrouding her suspicion. "You know, Masters, it seems every time I speak with you, I'm forced to go on some dangerous task immediately afterwards…A girl might start to think she's not loved…"

Vrook frowned in confusion and glanced away with a shrug. Vandar actually chuckled. "Lal, return to your quarters you will. To rest. In the morning should you begin."

"I'd rather go to my house," Lal said, adding a sweet smile.

"Hmm. Of course."

Lal gave a tiny nod of her head and spun on her heel to leave. Bastila fell in beside her and they headed towards the corridor that led to the upper level of the Enclave.

"Lal," Zhar called, "a word, please, before you leave." He tugged his heavy brown robe closed and drifted over to join her.

"I'll go and rent a speeder," Bastila said and walked on ahead.

Zhar smiled at Lal and glanced over his shoulder at the other Council members. Lal followed his gaze and saw Vrook staring intently at both of them, while Dorak and Vandar engaged in a whispered conversation.

"Do they just stay like that?" Lal asked as she and Zhar began walking.

"Like what?"

"Well, every time I've seen the Council you're all standing about looking dreadfully serene. I certainly don't think I could be on the Council…not without some bloody comfortable chairs…"

Zhar chuckled. "Comfortable chairs are a rarity in the Enclave. Truth be told, neither Vandar nor Vrook would hear anything of it. Master Vandar finds it inconvenient to sit in a chair in which his legs must dangle over the edge like a child's. Lamar simply despises the idea of comfort, I think…"

"Indeed," Lal agreed. "I can well imagine…"

Slowly, the two of them walked through the corridors of the Enclave, and Lal felt the warmth of a distant old familiarity, slipping over her like a cloak. Zhar's presence at her side…comforting, always close…She turned suddenly to him, a frown struggling upon her face. "Were we…we were close…?"

Zhar's smooth green face brightened in a smile. The lekku draped about his shoulders twitched in a Twi'lek show of acknowledgement. "Indeed Lal. I had…it was my sincere hope that you would sense this. That you would remember. Years ago, you were my Padawan Learner. More than twenty years past…" Softly, he chuckled, his eyes focusing on memories she could not see. "At the time," he went on, "I was a young Knight…full of fire and vigor. Eager to…ah…adventure. Master Vandar felt I needed to learn the lesson of patience. As such, he introduced me to a brash little girl who had been brought into his office with a bloodied lip and bruised knuckles." He turned a smiling glance at her. "You, Lal. Apparently, you had gotten into another fight with one or another of the children at the Enclave. I believe you had just punched a bully. Punched him repeatedly, as I recall…At any rate, I took on the task with a bit of dismay. As I said, I was eager to get out into the galaxy. To use the talents I had been given to…fight injustice and wickedness. Watching over a child was not my idea of adventure. But training you taught me the one thing my Master could not; patience."

Lal stopped beside him as they entered the broad, circular courtyard of the Enclave. The sun streamed down into the chamber, splashing them both with hazy, soft light. "I grew up with you, didn't I?" Lal asked him in a tiny voice.

"Do you remember?" he asked, cocking his head to the side.

She searched her mind for the memories, to recall something other than the brassy towers and trackless shadows of Taris. After a moment, she shook her head. "I don't remember…But…but I can feel it…I…I remember the feelings…"

He nodded with a smile. "Yes. As you did when our eyes met when you arrived here a few days ago."

He reached out to lay a hand on her shoulder, and she recalled the familiarity of that as well. She glanced down at his hand, mistrusting the contact for only the briefest of moments. A dark part of her, still mired in the sprawl of Taris's sins, wondered what other contacts he had enjoyed. But the feelings stirred by his words spoke only of the innocence of…of friendship. Never had he taken advantage of her as Davik had. Never had he seen her as an object, a tool to be used. Her eyes threatened to flood with wet heat as she stared at him, and she realized her thoughts were wide open to him.

"Yes," he nodded, responding to her opened mind, "Davik Kang put you through…quite a bit. These things anger me a great deal…To think what he took from you…it pains me."

"I…he…when I…" she struggled to find the words; her lips stumbled over them. She finally released a great sigh and blinked away her tears before they could fall. "I am not exactly accustomed to trusting anyone."

He smiled sadly at her and cupped her cheek. "I suppose not. This is all very new for you. If I tell you that you were my most promising and dear student, it is second nature for you to then mistrust my motives, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry, Master Zhar…"

"Do not be. It cannot be avoided, I suppose. But do know, Lal, that while I taught you much of what you know, you also taught me the one thing I never learned. Patience. Patience is one of the greatest gifts a Jedi possesses. The ability to find a moment of stillness within the whirlwind of battle…to think with the Still Mind, to discern the proper path. This is the wisdom you gave me. Do you understand?"

"I…I don't…"

He sighed and nodded, lowering his hand. "You are understandably eager, right now. Anxious…in your impatience to learn the truth of your past. There is great conflict within you. Find the moments of calm within the whirlwind, Lal. Find the Still Mind. And when you do, nothing will be hidden from you. I believe already, the Still Mind has served you. With Juhani. It will be one of your greatest tools."

"Master Zhar, I…"

He shook his head gently and lifted a finger. "Do not worry on it too much now. Go and prepare yourself and your friends. They will become powerful allies in this thing before you. Before us all. We will speak again, Lal."

Inexplicably calmed by his words and his soft voice, even in the thrashing heat of her own confusion and distrust, she simply nodded. A smile worked its way onto her lips. With her eyes, she said her goodbyes to him, and turned to go.