That Day.
.
.
.
I reached Tokiwa at about seven o' clock that evening, and it was definitely nice to be back with civilization. I noticed a few people glancing at me and whispering, probably since they'd seen me on TV during the tournament. I grinned despite myself. After all these years, I still liked the attention, although I continued to draw the line at the paparazzi...
As usual, my first stop was the Pokémon Center. Joi-san seemed happy to see me. After doing a quick checkup on my Pokémon, she cheerfully asked, "Do you need to call your grandfather? Phone's over there."
I shook my head. "Nah. I think I'll surprise him. Besides, he's expecting me back pretty soon anyway."
"I saw your battle with Satoshi on the television!" Joi exclaimed. "That was amazing! You put up a really great fight."
"Heh... thanks," I mumbled, self-consciously running a hand through my hair. "It was pretty cool, wasn't it...?"
Joi laughed. "Simply spectacular. But I've heard you've decided to go into Pokémon researching. Is that right?"
I smiled. "Yup. Guess I just can't deny the old genes, huh?" Joi laughed again.
"Well, good luck! If you want to spend the night here, you're more than welcome to."
"Sure." I picked up my Pokémon and walked toward the Trainers' rooms, where Trainers were allowed to spend a few days resting up, free of charge. As soon as I got to my room, I pulled the window open and leaned against the windowsill. I sighed. I could have probably gotten home that night if I wanted to, but...
... I didn't feel like going home and facing Satoshi without knowing what had happened...
Flopping down on the bed, I knew that this was my last night to figure it out. I had nearly all the pieces... all that was left was to find out how they fit together. I sighed and rubbed my face with my hands.
Why did we stop being friends? Why couldn't I remember? Why was I trying to remember now, of all times?
Suddenly, I felt that memory flutter around my mind again, and like always, I started thinking about something else. That was a nice breeze coming in from the window, and the ceiling looked like someone had just painted it, and my hands smelled awful...
I just about screamed.
"Why does this happen every time? Why?!" I hissed through my teeth, wanting to say the things that I had thought the first time Satoshi and I were lost in the field. To no one in particular, I kept talking.
"It's like I've got amnesia or something! Why the heck can't I remember?! I remember everything that happened ahead of it, and everything that happened after it... heck, I remember what happened about three minutes before it! Why not... it?!" I started shouting, before I realized that this was, after all, a public area where people were liable to hear me ranting. I quickly slammed the window shut. Immediately, I heard a pounding on the wall from the room next to mine. I felt like screaming "Shut up!" at whoever it was, but I held my tongue.
More frustrated than I remembered being in ages, I lay down on the bed and turned the lights off. That memory always seemed to come around just as I was going to sleep...
... maybe it'd show up now.
I took a deep breath, rubbing my face with my hands, trying to calm myself down. "This is it..." I murmured.
"This is the last time. We're not going to turn away this time...
"... I'll remember...
"... Satoshi..."
.
.
.
I'd thought about it for months. I'd known it for longer.
Satoshi was basically my shadow. And I'd been happy like that.
But when he started talking about being a Pokémon Master, I realized how much he wanted it. And I started realizing that I was in his way.
As long as he was behind me, the farthest he would dare to walk was to my side. And if he was at my side, he would never dare to put a foot in front of where I was.
Somehow, I knew that Satoshi was special. Even though he was so small and puny for someone his age, and all of the others, even the adults, thought that he'd never hold any special promise, I knew better. Satoshi and I were equals, but our strengths lay in different areas.
I was good at learning and memorizing things. I could read battle strategies from magazines and have them tucked away in my mind forever. I knew all of the element types, and their strengths and weaknesses. Satoshi didn't.
But he had something that no one else had. He just had a way with Pokémon. I could remember the Pidgey, the Rapidash, and so many other Pokémon we had encountered over the years. All of them took it slow and easy with him, and he seemed to tame them and calm them down, no matter how excitable they were...
When we played in the field, no Pokémon would ever think of harming us. I never attributed this to myself; instead, I figured that they were all trying to protect him, just like I was. Satoshi was like the runt of a Growlithe litter... the one who needed extra care and attention. But instead, he was staying in my shadow, the one place where he'd never be able to shine.
And the reason why he was there... was because he didn't know any better. He had grown up like that... from the very first week of his life to then, two weeks before his eighth birthday.
And it was on that day that I decided to set him free.
It wasn't easy for me. Through all the years of his questions, his trust, my answers, and my leadership, our friendship had blossomed into something beyond mortal words. It was something that only we shared, and something that no one else could possibly understand...
But I had never dreamt that breaking that friendship would hurt us both so much.
I knew where he would be. It was the end of summer vacation, the year before third grade, and the second to the last year before our Pokémon journeys could begin. Even though I'd be ten in only a little over a year, I knew that Grandpa was counting on sending both Satoshi and me out together. That's how everyone had thought it would happen. But here I was, throwing a wrench right into their oh-so-well designed plans... Anyway, I knew where he'd be.
It was summer, and in Masara, summer means extremely hot weather. As a result, Satoshi and I had spent every day of our summer vacation meeting under the big shade tree in Grandpa's field. It had been our favorite place to play as kids, and it held so many good memories...
But no. I couldn't think about that now.
After I slowly walked up the steps to Grandpa's lab and walked through the building, stepping into the backyard, I glanced at the wooden fence. By now, I was tall enough to climb over it like it was nothing, but today I just didn't have the strength. Carefully unlatching the gate, I let it swing open, then entered.
There it was. The lone tree sprouting out of the waving blades of grass. In the hot sun, it shimmered and danced in the waves of heat, but I could still make out the tiny silhouette standing by it.
Satoshi...
He was wearing his favorite set of clothes... blue shorts and a yellow T-shirt, with a bright red stripe dashing down the side. When Hanako had bought them at a discount sale, they had been huge on him, but slowly he was starting to grow into them... Even so, next to the giant tree and in those clothes, he seemed smaller than ever before. But I couldn't let that distract me...
"Shigeru!" he called out, recognizing me. Happily, he began to jump through the grass, which still seemed to bury him when he was in it. I noticed he had a piece of paper crunched up in his hand, but I tried to focus.
"I've been waiting for you, Shigeru!" he said, panting, as he leaned forward to catch his breath. "Mama gave me an invitation to give to you so you can come to my birthday party! I want a Super Nintendo, and I think she'll give it to me, and then we can play with it! Doesn't that sound cool?" But I didn't respond. "Shigeru?" he repeated, looking at me in the face. I was still so much taller, he always had to look up at me...
I swallowed, knowing that what I was about to say was the hardest thing I'd ever have to say in my life.
"Get out of here. Go away."
"Huh?" Satoshi tilted his head. I guess he thought that I was playing around. "What do you mean? Is something wrong?"
"I don't think you heard me," I said quietly. "Get out of my sight."
Satoshi's smile started fading. "Shigeru?"
"Didn't you hear me?" I yelled. "Why aren't you listening!"
"Shigeru, is something wrong?" Satoshi's eyes were full of puzzlement. He didn't understand why I was doing this...
"Yeah, something's wrong... you're what's wrong!" I shouted in his face. Satoshi stumbled backward, startled. "Get away from me!" And then, the words that I knew would sting the most...
"I hate you!"
Satoshi's eyes widened in shock and horror. He blinked, and I swore that I saw tears starting to build up... "Shigeru... Shigeru, stop playing... it's not funny...!"
"Who said anything about playing!" I yelled. Then, I did the unbelievable; I reached my arms out and shoved him. Pushed him hard, so that he fell down. "I'm not playing!" I shouted, hoping that my own voice wouldn't give away what I was feeling... "I never want to see you again!"
Deep in his eyes, I could see Satoshi's mind freezing, not wanting to listen to this. I could almost hear what he was thinking... he was hoping against hope that I was just playing around... trying not to think that I might be serious... "Shigeru..." he whispered.
Then I said two more words which I knew would hurt even more...
"Shut up!" Satoshi's mouth dropped open in horror. He knew that we weren't supposed to say things like that to each other... "Go away!" I continued. "We're not friends anymore!"
"... what...?" I saw the tears start to fall from his eyes.
"We're not friends!" I was on a roll, and nothing was going to slow me down. "Do you know why? Because you're slowing me down! I'll be able to do so much more without you!"
"It's not funny, Shigeru! Stop it!" Satoshi finally broke out screaming. That high-pitched wail added itself to his voice, nearly making me collapse. I was so used to wanting to protect him whenever this happened... But I was strong... I kept going...!
"Stop what?" I yelled back. "It's true! Admit it! Why do you always copy me? We both know why! You're not as good as me in anything! Anything! Including Pokémon!"
"Stop it!!" Satoshi screeched, tears running down his face, hands clapped over his ears. "Just stop it, Shigeru!"
"Why should I stop when it's true?!" I screamed back, tearing Satoshi's hands off his ears. "Don't try to ignore me! I hate you! I hate you, hate you, hate you! Go away and don't come back! You're not my friend anymore! And I'll be the better Pokémon trainer! You'll never be as good as me!
"So don't even try!"
Right before me, Satoshi broke down into a hysterical fit of tears. I nearly flinched as I heard those all-too-familiar sobs. Ever since he was little, Satoshi had had that edge to his crying that no one could ignore. Grandpa had thought it was like a baby Pokémon crying out for the safety of its home and family... Hanako-san had thought it meant her son wasn't quite as strong as the other children, and was begging to be kept safe...
... and I had always thought he was crying out and looking for me.
But now, I had hit his most vulnerable weak spot. It was like using Water against Fire. My opponent had no chance to move.
Satoshi's weakness was his trust.
I swallowed, harder this time. Finally, I managed to growl out, "Now shut up... and get out of my sight."
And this time, he listened. His tiny hands clenched into fists, he ran away, covered in dirt and tears. For an instant, I was glad that cars didn't exist in Masara, because the way he was running away wildly, he'd have surely gotten hit...
As I watched him run, his feet pounding like pistons, and his breath coming in short, ragged gasps, I felt the dam that had taken months to build come apart at the seams...
When I knew I was out of his hearing range, I slowly sank to the ground. The sharp grass felt like knives on my skin...
... or maybe that was my sadness.
With no one around, I felt safe in the tall grass. I let everything go. My emotions, my sadness, my regret... I covered my eyes with my hands and felt a strange hotness come up through me, making me tense up and nearly fall over with convulsions.
As long as I had been Satoshi's protector, the person he looked up to, I had never been able to show weakness to him. I had sworn that he would always have me to guard him, and that no one could break me down...
I was foolishly arrogant.
But to show no weakness around Satoshi... to ignore all of those scrapes, bruises, all of those scary times with the monsters in the closet and under the bed, to protect him when he was afraid of lightning storms or the dark, to keep him safe from anything that could do harm to him...
... meant that I had barely cried, or perhaps hadn't at all, in almost nine years.
I had forgotten, or maybe never known, what it felt like to be so absorbed in tears, to feel my eyes burn and my nose run and my voice wail out in choking screams that didn't seem to belong to me...
I made up for it that day.
.
.
.
And as I lay there on the bed in the Tokiwa City Pokémon Center, I realized that this memory had been with me this whole time. I had only been "saving" myself with other thoughts over the past few days, making them up as I need them. I had remembered. But I had tried not to...
... because...
I just didn't want to face it.
I had tried to forget it. I didn't want to cry... didn't want to remember...
... didn't want to lose Satoshi all over again...
