CHAPTER 4

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Hawkeye woke up later the morning to the smell of sausage cooking. He laid in bed for a moment with his eyes closed taking in the scent of what a real homemade breakfast smelt like. Until he looked at the clock he didn't realize how late it was. It was close to eleven o'clock already. For some reason he didn't want to get out of bed and face the day.

After ten minutes he talked himself into getting up. It was more so the smell of the food that made him get up rather then him wanting to. He walked into the kitchen still wiping sleep out of his eyes to find her standing at the stove looking as good as ever. She wasn't dressed in anything fancy, just his blue t-shirt and maybe some panties. He wasn't sure.

"Morning," he said in a deep tired voice.

Margaret turned her head and smiled. "Good morning. I wasn't sure you were going to get up this morning."

"I did." He gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Looks good. What can I do?"

"Get yourself a cup of coffee and sit down. I'll handle the rest."

"Sounds like a deal to me."

Margaret served the food while he was preparing his coffee. "You know what tomorrow is?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Why not?"

"I just don't, okay?"

"Okay."

Hawkeye sat down at the table with his coffee. "You seem to be better today."

She smiled. "I am." She walked over to him and stood behind him wrapping her arms around his neck and letting her hands wander over his chest. "You made me feel a lot better. Thank you."

He patted her hand. "Glad to be of service."

"We have to pack today."

"I said I don't want to talk about it." He stated firmly.

"Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"Margaret…"

"I'm sorry." She kissed him on the cheek and moved around to her chair. "Dig in. I hope you're hungry. I made more than enough."

"I see that."

"Well I had to use everything up so we don't end up throwing it away tomorrow." He looked up at her. "Sorry. I won't mention the day after today again."

"Thank you."

"But what are we supposed to do today?"

"Nothing. Its still raining so I say we spend today on the couch together." He didn't see her spending another day with him after this week was up so he decided to take advantage of the time they had left together.

"I like that." She had been getting the feeling that something was bothering him the last couple of days, but he didn't seem to want to talk about it. Sometimes he was very hard to read and he got so upset when she tried to mention it. Maybe if she just spent time with him and didn't think about the future he would be okay. It was the only thing she could try.

Margaret stood in front of her closet trying to figure out what to wear. She had just gotten out of the shower and was debating on getting dressed in real clothes or being comfortable all day. After all, it was a rainy Sunday and they weren't going anywhere. Hawkeye seemed to like clothing that was easy to take off. He had torn the buttons off of a few of her shirts earlier that week, so she would go with something simple. She slipped on a pair of panties and then tried to decide what to wear. Margaret pulled out one of Hawkeye's clean t-shirts and slipped it on.

Hawkeye was in the shower at the moment. She had invited him to shower with her like they had been doing all week, but for some reason he opted not to. She thought that it was very odd of him and that was just one more thing telling her that something was really wrong. She needed to get him to open up to her, but she wasn't sure how to do it.

"Hawk," she yelled. "Hawkeye!"

He thought he heard her call his name so he poked his head outside of the shower. "Huh?"

She opened the door and walked in. "I need my brush."

"Okay." He went back to his shower ignoring the fact that she was in there. Today he wanted to be alone. Being close to her was hard now. He was afraid of their closeness and he was trying to move away from her emotionally.

"I got it." She walked out of the room with her brush. At least he didn't lock the door. That was a good sign.

"I'll be out in a little while."

"Take your time," she called back.

Hawkeye listened to her and took his sweet time reveling in the hot water and the quietness. He loved her with all his heart, but he needed to breath for a moment without her standing right next to him or even on him. The week had been wonderful so far, but he knew that their relationship couldn't continue on like that. Nothing was that good.

Margaret hadn't heard a word from him since she left him in the bathroom. The kitchen needed to be picked up so she busied herself with that, not really focusing on it. Her mind was not on the task at hand, but on the man she loved. He was acting strange and she didn't like it at all.

The shower didn't exactly do what he wanted because when he got out his mind was still somewhere else. He grabbed a pair of boxers and slipped them on and then went out to the living room. The TV usually served him well in drowning out all his thoughts. However, the sound of running water coming from the kitchen reminded him that Margaret was there.

"Margaret," he called from the chair. "Margaret!" He yelled.

The water shut off. "Just a minute." Not more than thirty seconds later she appeared before him. "Yes?"

"Want to watch a movie with me? This one is just about to start." He nodded to the TV.

She looked at the television and then back to him. He was sitting all alone in the chair making it very clear that that was where he wanted to be. There wasn't any room for her. "With you?" She mumbled. "Let me finish up."

"Okay," he nodded. He saw the hurt look on her face. He thought that sitting in the chair was subtle, but it didn't seem that way to her. She didn't want to move away from him and it was a little hard to do that to her seeing how much something like sitting alone bothered her.

She couldn't help herself and started to bang pots and pans around as she was cleaning up. Hawkeye knew that wasn't a good sign and his aim wasn't to get her angry at him, so he moved. He moved for her, not for him. This last day would be about her and he would put his needs and wants on the back burner for one day. He would try his best to keep it that way.

"It's starting." He called.

"Coming." Margaret quickly dried her hands on a nearby towel. Seeing him sitting on the couch she smiled brightly. He caught the twinkle in her eyes and patted the couch cushion. "Have you seen this movie before?"

"No. Sit down."

Margaret gave him a kiss and then sat as close to him as she could possibly get. Her head laid on his chest and she wrapped her arms around him. Hawkeye tensed up for a moment; he didn't expect her to be so clingy, but he loosened up and draped his arm over her shoulders. "This is cozy," she said.

"Yeah."

"I think I love rainy days now."

"Just not storms."

"Right."

The movie wasn't what Hawkeye had expected. It started out a romantic movie, but turned into a sad drama. Margaret was tearing up at the end of it and then commented on how sad it was, but he didn't join her in the conversation. He simply nodded as she spoke. The movie didn't serve the purpose he had hoped. If she cried at that movie, what he was going to do to her was going to kill her. It was grueling to look her in the eye, so he didn't.

He stood to his feet and walked away as soon as there was a pause. Breathing was something that he needed to concentrate on and he felt like she was suffocating him. "Excuse me." He walked out onto the porch and stood in the rain holding onto the railing as he looked down at the sea below. As riled up as it was by the storm it still appeared to be calmer than he was.

The water hit his bare back and drenched him completely within a few minutes. Margaret stood watching him from the window wondering what was going on. He could be bizarre and standing out there in the rain was proving that. She wanted to go out there, but she didn't really want to get wet. After ten minutes she grabbed a robe and headed out there.

"Hawk," she called from the doorway. "Are you okay?"

"I'll be right in."

Margaret didn't believe him. "What's the matter? Are you feeling okay?"

"Margaret, go inside. You're going to get soaked."

"I don't care." She stepped outside and walked over to him. She placed her hands on his back and kissed his shoulder. "Something's bothering you. Are you going to tell me about it?"

"Just go in. I'll be right there."

"Please don't shut me out." She moved around him and pushed him so he had to look at her. "Talk."

He turned and looked at her. "I just needed a little breathing room."

"What happened?"

"Just a little upset stomach. I must have eaten too much at breakfast."

Her eyes narrowed. She didn't believe him at all, but she would take what she could get. She would find out more later on. "Come inside."

"Give me a minute." He dropped a kiss on her wet lips. "Go on in."

"Do you want me to stay here with you?"

"I'll be right there." Hawkeye brushed some of her wet hair back off of her face. "Okay?"

She nodded. "I love you."

He smiled a little and nodded. "Be right there." He watched her walk back into the house and that's when he let out a low groan. It was killing him to be there with her. He had to compose himself and work up the nerve to get back inside.

The entire house was spotless and all that was left to do was start to pack. Hawkeye was still out on the porch and he made it clear that he wanted to be alone so she went into the bedroom and started to toss their clothes in their suitcases. If she got that out of the way her mind would be on him and only him.

He walked in, making puddles every where he went. The water was just dripping off him. "Margaret, where are you?"

"The bedroom," she yelled back.

When he walked in there she was bent over in the closet. "What are you doing?"

"Packing. I finished with yours."

"What! Why did you do that?"

She stood up and looked at him. "What do you mean? You didn't want me to?"

"I can do it on my own. I don't need you to do every little thing for me. I know how to take care of myself."

She was shocked by his little outburst. He sounded so stern and had a dark look in his eye. "I…I'm sorry," she stammered. "I didn't…know it would bother you."

He sighed. "It's fine. I need something dry." He couldn't get mad at her. It wasn't fair.

She grabbed a white pair of boxers that she kept out. "Here you go."

"Thank you." He walked off to the bathroom.

When he came out she wasn't there. He knew he had taken the wrong tone with her. She didn't do anything wrong, she was just trying to help out. She was standing in living room looking out the large windows as the rain was beating down on the sea. Her arms were folded across her chest with one hand on her chin. Putting away his own feelings he walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her from behind. He placed a soft kiss on her cheek and rested his chin on her left shoulder.

"Margaret I…"

She stood perfectly still. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't. It was just a little misplaced anger, that's all. It has nothing to do with you."

Margaret turned and looked him in the eye. "I think it does."

Ok, so she was right, but he wasn't going to tell her that. He wasn't going to admit that she scared him and that was what was making him so angry. She had so much love and passion and it scared him to death. Everything that he loved about her he also hated. He didn't know how to handle her anymore. "Margaret, you didn't do anything wrong."

She couldn't think of anything that she did wrong and that was what was bothering her so much. She couldn't account for the change that she was seeing in him. "Are you sure you're not mad at me?"

He smiled gently and kissed her forehead. "Have you done anything that would make me upset?"

"I don't think so."

"See, you didn't do anything."

"Then why are you pushing me away?"

His eyes widened with surprise. He didn't want to have that conversation with her. "I don't mean to." That was a bold face lie. "Let's spend the rest of the day curled up in bed."

There was no way that she was going to pick a fight with him. She would have loved to yell at him and tell him how he was hurting her by the small changes that seemed to all of a sudden take place. However, she looked into those blue eyes and decided that that wasn't the best thing to do. "Sounds nice." Surprisingly he scooped her up and planted a kiss on her lips. "Wow, this could be nice."

He grinned. "It'll be an afternoon to remember, I can guarantee you that."

"Guarantee, huh?" He nodded. "Prove it."

"Oh, I plan to over and over and over and…"

"I get it. Prove it, big boy."

Hawkeye pushed open the door to the bedroom and walked over to the bed. "I don't know why you make this everyday. You'd be better off leaving it alone." He pulled down the covers with one hand and then laid her on the soft satin sheets. "There," he smiled.

All day long Hawkeye kept thinking about the next morning. He refused to talk about it, but that didn't keep his mind from thinking about it. Margaret didn't help any either. She kept trying to talk about the future and he wasn't sure how to tell her that. It would break her heart, but if he led her on it would hurt her more than if he just went his own way in the morning.

Hawkeye lay in bed, eyes closed and mind wandering. He felt some movement next to him but he kept his eyes shut. Margaret had awakened and was sitting up in bed. She just watched him memorizing the features and the lines. It seemed odd that even in his sleep he didn't seem completely relaxed. In fact he seemed very tense. His whole body was rather stiff.

There was so much that she wanted to say to him, but he wouldn't let her. Every time she tried to talk about anything with meaning he always stopped her. Sometimes he made a joke, sometimes he moved to sex, and sometimes he would flat out ask her not to talk about it. Something was very wrong but he wouldn't discuss it. All she wanted to do was love him and open her heart completely to him, but he wouldn't allow her to do so.

- - - - -

Hawkeye felt her give him the most gentle and loving kiss. It wasn't her aim to wake him so he kept pretending that he was asleep. She was quiet for a while, but he knew she was still looking at him. It was when she started to speak that his heart felt heavy. The words "I love you" never sounded so sincere.

- - - - -

She brushed his baby soft hair back with her hand staring at him. If he wouldn't listen to her, she would tell him while he was sleeping. She needed to get it out. "I wish you could understand how much I love you. You might be able to see how easy things would be. We'd be happy together. I have no doubt. You've allowed me to be free and to be myself. No other man has. My heart is yours forever and I wish you'd let me pour it out to you. When I think about how much I love you I cry. I don't know what's on your mind, but I love you enough for the both of us. I wish you would have let me in."

- - - - -

His heart shattered as she continued to whisper to him. She was making it increasingly difficult to leave. Now that he knew how much she loved him he knew just how much he was going to hurt her in the morning.

- - - - -

The morning came causing Hawkeye to realize he had fallen asleep at some point. He rolled out of bed recalling all of the sweet things she said. This was the day he was going to hurt her. She wasn't next to him in bed but that wasn't a surprise. They hadn't woken up together all week.

"Margaret," he called. "Margaret." She didn't answer back. He sighed deeply trying to get together the courage to face her, but it was the lack of courage that was making him leave. He was afraid of being with her and he was afraid of being alone.

"Margaret," he yelled again. He looked into the bathroom to see if she was there and she wasn't. He searched the house looking for her and like a ton of bricks it hit him he was gone. He stood in the middle of the kitchen staring blankly ahead. She left him before he could leave her.

Hawkeye had to sit down so he pulled out the nearest chair. Upon sitting at the table he saw a note written in her familiar scribble.

I'll always love you. 1784 Lincoln Drive Charleston, SC 29387 803-555-7394

Yours forever, Margaret

He took the note and crumbled it up. "You beat me to it, Margaret. I didn't think you knew." His head hung down in his hands as he let a few tears fall. He was alone again; just what he wanted, only he really didn't want it now.

It didn't take long and he composed himself long enough to pack. It was time to head back to Maine and make that his home. He couldn't be with her, so he would fall back on work. That was all he left and it was time he came to grips with that. He was going to leave her anyway, so he couldn't be mad. He had to move on.

He tried to convince himself that it was all for the best, but his heart knew otherwise.