CHAPTER 5
The ride back to Maine was filled with anguish and tears for Hawkeye. The farther away from Margaret he got, the more he started to realize that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. He should have gone after her, but instead of doing that he got in his car and headed north toward Maine for the three day drive. Thoughts of the woman he would love forever ran though his mind and wouldn't let him rest. That three day drive only took him a day and a half this time. Maybe if he could get as far away from her as possible then she would be easier to let go. It was worth the try.
Minutes after he pulled into his father's driveway he was in his bed. Sleep came easily this time, but it wasn't restful. She had invaded his mind once again. Now he had that week of memories with her that he wanted to forget, but that didn't seem like it was going to happen. He'd give it his best try though.
Every moment they shared was on that was tainted now with the sadness that it was forever lost. She never left his thoughts. His heart was always heavy. His eyes took on the look of someone who had just lost all they ever had.
Daniel knew where his son had been for the last week and tried to ask him about it. After only a few minutes he guessed what had happened. Hawkeye had always been afraid of commitment; afraid that someone was going to leave him standing alone. What he had really done was push people away and keep them far enough so that they couldn't hurt him. If it came to that he always tried to beat them to it. The friends that he made in Korea were the only people outside of family that Daniel had ever seen Hawkeye let get that close to him. One person in particular had occupied his heart and he couldn't let her go no matter how hard he tried.
"Ben," Daniel hollered up the stairs. "BEN!" Hawkeye sighed heavily and opened his eyes. He looked at the clock on the nightstand and tried to focus on it. "BEN!"
"WHAT!"
"Get out of that bed and get your ass down here."
He hated when his father spoke to him like he was a child. "Let me sleep."
"You've been sleeping for 24 hours already. Get down here!"
Hawkeye mumbled to himself but got out of bed like his father said. "I need my own house. I'm too damn old for this shit." Five minutes later he was standing in the kitchen where his father was pouring him a cup of coffee.
"Nice to see you up." Daniel handed his son the cup. "You look like hell."
"Thanks." His voice was deep and sharp. Hawkeye took a seat at the kitchen table.
"You need to get out of this house. It's time to move on."
"I don't want to talk about it." He sipped at his coffee.
"Get a job, Ben. What's done is done, its time to get on with your life. Make something of yourself."
"I'm a damn surgeon."
"Then start working. You don't honestly want to live with your old dad the rest of your life, do you?"
"Hell no." He loved his father dearly, but two grown men sharing a house wasn't what either of them wanted.
"You didn't have to answer so quickly." Dan passed a bowl of oatmeal to his son. "If you want to start working with me, you're more than welcome."
"Thanks, but no thanks. I'm not the country doctor I thought I could be."
"You could have fooled me."
Hawkeye looked up at his father. "What's with the sarcasm today?"
Dan sat down across the table from his son. "You're thirty two years old. What are you going to do with the rest of your life?"
Why did he have to be like this? It was only a year ago that he returned home from war. He tried to be a country doctor and then he was gone for months and months on a search for her. It was all her fault. She was the one that made everything seem minimal. "Look, I'll worry about me. You worry about you."
"Fine."
The two of them sat in silence for the rest of breakfast. Words were not needed to tell Dan how is son was feeling. Hawkeye wasn't that well at hiding his problems from his father, but he thought otherwise. He thought that as long as they didn't talk about it then his father didn't know about it. That suited him just fine.
Margaret's drive home wasn't any better than Hawkeye's other than it was shorter. It was torture to leave that man, but it would have been worse had he been the one leaving her. She knew she wouldn't be able to feel those arms anymore or feel his lips on hers. Everything they had was gone. As much as she wanted to marry that man she knew he didn't want that. He didn't know what he wanted, but he had made it clear that he didn't want her. It was all a mistake and now she had to live with the memories of that one week with the one person she loved more than anything or anyone.
She didn't want to go home, but that was the only place she could go. She grabbed her luggage and trudged up the stairs to her apartment. The heat was almost unbearable and just added to things. In fact, it seemed fitting. No one was there, but then again, no one was ever there. She lived alone and alone she would be. He didn't want her. In her heart she was hoping that he would chase after her; she had left her number and address for him.
Sleep didn't happen the night before and all she had done since then was wear herself out crying. The bed looked lonely so she opted for the couch. Just two days ago she never thought she would have to sleep alone again, but that dream was crushed. Her heart was broken and she alone was left to mend it and try to cope with the fact that the love of her life wanted nothing to do with her. A week of incredible sex was enough for him and he was ready to move on. He wasn't any different then the rest of them. What was different was that she was madly in love with that man and had not been with the others.
The phone rang waking her up. She bolted for it thinking that it was Hawkeye. That was who it had been in her dream, but in reality it was different. "Hello?"
"Oh good you're home."
Margaret rolled her eyes. It was her friend Shirley. "Great observation."
"Well sorry. What's got you in such a bad mood? I thought you were supposed to have the most relaxing week of your life."
"So did I."
Shirley knew that tone. "Uh oh. What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it. What time is it?"
"Five. Come meet me for dinner."
"I don't want to go anywhere." She was planning on wallowing all night.
"I'm coming by then. We'll have dinner there."
Margaret really wasn't in the mood for company. "I don't have any food. I got rid of it all before I left."
"I'll bring something. I'll be there within the hour. Bye."
"Wait…" It was too late. She had already hung up the phone. There was nothing worse than someone who invited themselves over and Shirley was constantly doing that to her. "Damn it."
Margaret slammed the phone down and stood up. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and stopped to look. Her eyes were puffy and red and her cheeks were still tear stained. She was going to try her hardest to keep things from Shirley and she needed to get a shower and clean herself up if she was going to succeed.
Hawkeye was on her mind and her heart. Would she ever be able to get rid of him? How could she possibly think she could forget the love of her life? After deciding that that was virtually impossible, she took a shower and still tried to forget him.
It seemed like only a couple of minutes since she got that phone call, but it had been close to an hour. Shirley was banging on the door and calling her name. "Margaret, open up. This pizza is hot."
"Coming." She ran to the door quickly after pulling the towel off of her head. Shirley didn't care how she would look and at the moment Margaret wouldn't have cared who it was. She wasn't in the mood to make herself up. "Hi."
"You look like hell." Shirley pushed her way in letting Margaret shut the door.
She sighed. "You're such a good friend." She walked into the kitchen where her friend was headed.
"I hope you're hungry. I got a large."
"I'm not hungry at all. You didn't need to come by."
The woman started to get some plates out of the cabinet. "You need to eat dinner. Besides, I want to hear all about your trip."
"There's nothing to tell."
"What time did you get home?"
"Eight this morning."
"And you slept all day?" Margaret nodded. "After a week of relaxation you came home and slept the day away?"
"I was tired." She accepted the plate that was handed to her. "What's the harm in that?"
"You don't need that much sleep. Sit."
"You can't order me. You're only a captain."
"Not at the moment. Right now I'm just your friend." Shirley took a seat at the table and waited for Margaret to follow. Then she placed a slice of the cheese pizza on each of their plates. "Spill it. What happened up there? You were supposed to come back refreshed with a new positive outlook on life."
Margaret sighed. "I don't want to talk about it." She was right, it was supposed to be a week of finding herself, but that wasn't what it turned out to be. Even if it was a man she knew she still jumped into bed with the first man that crossed her path. That hadn't changed. Someone said they wanted her and she fell for him.
"You met someone," she shook her head. "I knew you couldn't be alone."
"It wasn't that I couldn't be alone. What happened to me was not normal."
"What was it? A summer romance like when you're a kid?"
Margaret was silent for a moment. To someone else that may have been what it seemed like, but she knew different. What she and Hawkeye had together was not a summer romance. It was the real thing and if he would have said the word, it would have been so real they would have been together forever. Now here she was sitting at her kitchen table staring at a piece of cheese pizza trying to figure out a way to avoid the entire conversation.
"Hey, you still with me?"
"Yes, I'm here."
"Out with it, Margaret."
Shirley was always pushy and one of the few people Margaret allowed to do that to her. Hawkeye had taught her long ago that it was always better if problems were talked about and now she couldn't get that out of her head. How ironic that he was the one burring things now. "Yes, I met someone."
"Was he any good?"
Margaret rolled her eyes. "It wasn't what you think it was."
"Then tell me so I know."
"Can I just eat in peace?"
"You're not even eating." She stared at her friend in that overbearing way that she had. The way that told Margaret that she had better start talking or they would be there all night because she wasn't going anywhere and she wasn't going to let up until Margaret came clean.
Margaret sighed heavily and sat back in her chair. "It started out heavenly."
"Heavenly, must have been very good in bed."
"No, well yes, but that's not what I meant."
Shirley gave her a knowing smile. "Sorry. Go on." She took another bite. Maybe if she had something in her mouth she wouldn't interrupt.
She sighed again. "He…he…I've known him for years."
"How? Did you know him as a kid from when you used to vacation there with your family?"
"No." She didn't really want to tell her friend who it was, but there wasn't going to be a way around that. "I've told you about him before."
"Oh? There have been so many, Margaret. I need more than that."
She narrowed her eyes. She made it sound like she was a whore. "You don't know him."
"That doesn't narrow it down by much."
"It's Hawkeye Pierce. The captain I told you about that I served with in Korea."
Her eyes widen and she almost choked on her pizza. "Excuse me? Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, the biggest pain in the ass you've ever met, the best surgeon you've ever seen, the most caring person…"
"Yes, yes. He's one in the same."
"But you love him!"
She nodded. "I know that."
"So what happened?"
"I don't know." She looked down at her hands folded on the table. "One moment we were the happiest couple alive and the next he wanted nothing to do with me. I probably scared him away."
"Happiest couple alive?"
"Yes. We didn't fight once. We were pretty much joined at the hip the entire time and then all of a sudden he changed."
"Joined at the hips?" She smiled. "That sounds awfully nice."
Margaret smiled remembering how often she and Hawkeye would make love. They didn't give it a second thought, they just went with what felt right. "It was nice, but it's over now."
"I don't understand."
"Neither do I. Can we please not talk about this?"
"Fine. But we will later."
Margaret wasn't about to fight with her. She didn't have the strength to fight and she knew it was a losing battle anyway. "Fine."
He sighed heavily trudging up the three flights of stairs to his office. The stairwell was always so silent and eerie, but it beat the hell out of the crowded elevators. At least in the stairwell the only noises he heard were from the ones in his own head. More accurately would be his heart fighting his brain. Lately his brain seemed to be winning and that was causing him a lot more distress than his heart was ready to handle. Most of the time he felt like he was going to burst at the seams from all of the feelings he was holding inside.
No one could possibly know what he had put himself through. He told himself that he did it all for her. She would have ended up hurt in the end and he just made the end come sooner. Hawkeye Pierce couldn't settle down, but he was feeling more like Ben Pierce lately and he wanted to settle down.
As he walked down the corridor to his office he was greeted with nods and smiled from patients and staff members. He did the polite thing and then continued walking not stopping to talk to anyone.
"Dr. Pierce, glad you're early. You've got an added surgery this afternoon. Do you think you could do it?"
That was Polly his secretary. She had to have been at least sixty years old and if he didn't know any better he would say she had a crush on him like a school girl. "I don't know. You know my schedule better than I do. Can I?" He opened the door to his office.
"If you don't mind staying late."
"Do I ever?" That was all he did. Went to work and then went home to bed. It caused the least amount of stress on his relationship with his father and as and added perk of keeping busy, occasionally he was able to forget what a jerk he was and how he treated the love of his life.
"Good. Dr. Higgins will be glad to hear that. He wanted to play golf this afternoon."
Hawkeye rolled his eyes. He hadn't picked up his own clubs since he and Margaret went one afternoon. He placed his briefcase down on his desk and took off his suit coat. "What do I need to do now?"
Polly looked at the pad of paper she had in her hand. "Just your morning rounds. The first surgery is in two hours. It's Mr.…."
"Mr. Jenkins." That man had been giving him a hard time. He was going to be glad to get it over with and send that pain in the ass home. He grabbed his lab coat and started to get ready to go see some patients. "I'll be around. Page me if you have to." He patted the woman on the arm and walked passed her without another word.
Polly stood there and looked at him as he walked off. "No smiling today, huh?" She sighed to herself and walked back to her desk. "You've got to loosen up and enjoy life."
Hawkeye went about his day just as he did every other day. When there was a moment that was silent he tried to fill it so he didn't have to think about her. The worst part of the day was the drive to and from work. No matter how loud he turned the radio up he couldn't drowned her out. It would be a lot easier if he didn't love her so much. So as soon as he got home he would eat and then go right to sleep.
Sometime between his second and third surgery of the day he was sitting in his office reading the newspaper. His secretary had come in telling him he had a call. She was all beside herself because he never got personal calls. She just knew it was something bad.
"Doctor, is everything alright?"
Hawkeye waved his hand and told her to get out. "One second." He looked up his secretary. "What?"
"Is something wrong?"
"No. I'd like to take this call in private."
She nodded and headed for the door quickly. "Of course. I understand."
Hawkeye waited until she had left and the door was close tightly before he got back on the phone. "Hey Beej. I didn't expect to hear from you."
"It's been a couple of months since I've heard from you. Everything okay?"
"Just fine. Busy. You?"
"Oh everything is great. So you're busy, huh?"
"Yep." Hawkeye put his feet up on his desk and leaned back in his chair.
"You're working. That must be nice."
"It's about all I do. So what have you been up to? How are Peg and Erin?"
"Oh just wonderful. We're having a little get together and I was wondering if you would like to come."
"A get together?" That sounded strange. A get together three thousand miles away. "What do you mean?"
"Thanksgiving. Are you interested? We'd love to see you again."
"I don't know." He wasn't sure he wanted to answer anymore questions about his love life from Peg. While he was out there a few months ago she had tried to fix him up and had even managed to gather the history of his love life without him realizing it until it was too late.
"It's in a month."
"I don't know Beej."
"Did you find her?"
Hawkeye almost choked on his own tongue. "What?"
"Margaret."
"I don't want to talk about that. Did you call her?"
"Not yet. I was sort of hoping she was with you."
"She's not. I don't really want to see her. If she's not going, then I'll be there."
BJ was taken aback by those words. Hawkeye had pined for that women for almost a year and now he had given up. "But…"
"No. You call me back when you know about her."
There wasn't much else he could do but agree. Now he was going to have to choose between his friends. "I'll do that."
"I've got to go. Bye."
"Wait!"
"What?"
"Where can I find her?"
"South Carolina. Charleston."
"You wouldn't happen to have that number, would you?" It was hard to get anything out of Hawkeye, but BJ had to try and find out something.
He sighed. He had memorized that number but hadn't once used it. "Hang on." Hawkeye shifted a few papers around to make it seem like he was looking for it. "Got it."
BJ took down the number from his friend and then they said their goodbyes. He looked at the clock; it was noon on the east coast and he knew Margaret would have to be working. That call would have to wait until later.
She could see her house as she turned the corner. The day had dragged on and home sounded so nice. It was the first home she had ever had. When she left the army a few months ago she decided to stay there in South Carolina and she bought a small house in a nice quiet neighborhood.
When she entered the house she was greeted happily by the young puppy that was in the laundry room. He wagged his tail and excitedly when his master opened the door. "Hi little guy." Margaret opened the door that lead into the kitchen and the puppy followed her jumping at her legs. He didn't think that was a good enough greeting and he wanted something better from her. "Just a minute. Do you want to go outside?"
She led the little dog out back to the fenced in yard so he could use the bathroom. She left him out there for a few minutes while she went in and changed her clothes. She hadn't been in there for five minutes when she heard him whining at the back door. He hated to be alone.
Margaret took care of the puppy and gave him dinner while she made her own. She had fixed herself a sandwich and then the two of them went back outside. It was a nice October night and the air was fresh and clean. Beau needed to get some energy out and he loved to play fetch or do just about anything as long as he was with Margaret. When she heard the phone ring she ran inside to pick it up.
"Margaret, I never thought I'd get a hold of you. This is Margaret, right?"
"Yes. Who is this?" She looked out the window to see what the puppy was doing. He had settled into a corner and found chewing on a stick satisfying for the moment.
"It's BJ."
"BJ?" She was shocked. Why would he call her? "Is something wrong?"
"No. But you're a hard woman to get a hold of. You must have moved."
"I did."
The number that Hawkeye had given him hadn't helped in the least. "Well how are you?"
"I'm fine. You?" It was odd for him to call. They had exchanged a few letters over the past year, but that had stopped months ago.
"I'm just great. I was calling to invite you to Thanksgiving. Peg and are decided to invite some of the most important people in our lives this year and you're at the top of the list."
Margaret smiled. "Thank you." She knew if she was there then Hawkeye would also be at the top of that list. BJ would pick him over her any day.
"Is that a yes?"
She sighed and cleared her throat. "That's very nice of you, but I don't think I could get the time off."
"Are you sure?"
"I am. Thank you though."
She didn't sound normal to him; neither did Hawkeye. Something happened between the two of them but he had a better chance of getting it out of Hawkeye than he did her. "I'm sorry to hear that. If you can make it there will always be an extra chair at the table for you."
"Thank you. Tell me what you've been up to. Tell me about Peg and Erin." That would get him off her back and prevent him from asking any personal questions.
When they got off the phone she went back outside to get the puppy. He had eaten his fill of wood and was ready to go back inside. She grabbed his leash and then the two of them went on a nice long walk. She was hoping it would clear her head some, but that didn't work. Hawkeye was always on her mind no matter how hard she tried to get him off.
They had spent one glorious week together back in June and now here it was October and she still couldn't get him off of her mind. Even on the two dates she went on she kept calling the men 'Hawk' or even 'Ben'. That was when she decided to get a puppy. At least if she was going to be alone, she wouldn't be the only one living in her house. Beau was good company and he loved her no matter what she did or said. With him she didn't have to worry about being abandoned.
