..: Hey Now, You're an Ogre :..

Shrek – Sam Guthrie / Cannonball

Fiona – Rahne Sinclair / Wolfsbane

Donkey – Bobby Drake / Iceman the Assicle

Lord Farquaad – Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver

Dragon – Jubilation Lee / Jubilee

Gingerbread Man – Remy LeBeau / Gambit

Magic Mirror – Monkey Dude (Mastermind)

Pinocchio – St. John Allerdyce / Pyro

Robin Hood – Remy LeBeau / Gambit

Thelonius – Fred Dukes / Blob

3 Blind Mice – Alex Forge Ray (Ed, Edd, and Eddy! Couldn't resist)

3 Bears – Baby Jamie Mama Jean Papa Scott

Wolf – Lance Alvers / Avalanche

3 Little Pigs – Kurt Wagner Nightcrawler (btw, if you haven't already, go read the ficcie Drei by Mieren)

Anyone I've Forgotten – Other People

Yesh, I know that I said before that Scott would be Lord Farquaad, but then instead I decided that Pietro has such a big ego, it'd be funnier (ya know, the whole compensating thing. Ahem). Plus, I hadn't noticed until now, Lord F gets a boner when he's watching that video clip of Fiona. Yuck. Scott is not that nasty. Pietro, however, is an incredibly easy target like that.

HEY YOU! YES YOU! GO READ THIS! Okee, glad I got your attention! These are all the parodies that EE's Skysong has dibs on. Please note that this list is here as much for my memory as it is for yours.

Spirited Away

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi

(By the way, I have dibs on Star Wars eps I-III. Hey, Skysong, we should do those simultaneously! Yeah!)

The Tenth Kingdom

Bartok the Magnificent (I totally missed this coming out on video, BTW)

The Last Unicorn (STORGE!)

Men in Black

Aladdin

Legally Blonde

O Brother, Where Art Thou (I still need to watch this movie…shame on me)

Scooby Doo!

My Boss's Daughter

Dogma

The Emperor's New Groove (LUVV LUVV LUVV!)

Spider-Man

And I can only assume that she's also doing Spider-Man 2. I like those movies, although I despise Kirsten Dunst. I did like her acting in Interview with the Vampire, though. So young, so mature…then she grew up.

And just for the heck of it, cuz I'm on a little movie-list binge here, these are the ones I'm parodying!

Shrek 2 (duh)

X-Men: The Movie (Rogue will kill me, hehehe)

X2: X-Men United (Logan will kill me, hehehe)

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

(Those will be parodied whenever Skysong decides to parody IV-VI)

10 Things I Hate About You (I'll be doing that after I finish this one)

Not Another Teen Movie

Hercules

Miss Congeniality

And I'm considering parodying:

Bring it On (the stupid bunny won't leave me alone; on the other hand, I hate Kirsten Dunst; on the other hand, I have practically the entire cast…)

The New Guy (I could've sworn Skysong was going to do this)

Interview with the Vampire (rather dark…but also funny…but also dark)

Finding Nemo

Elf

Spy Kids

Holes

BTW, since all of those are "considerings", go ahead and pick one of them up and run with it if you like.

DISCLAIMER: "Remember, Lauren, bananas and POOF! You BLOSSOM!"


Sam Guthrie was on the run from Forge. Why, you ask? No, it wasn't because he had wrecked one of Forge's inventions, and no, it wasn't because he had insulted Forge in any way.

No, he was on the run because Forge was trying to turn him into an ogre.

So you'd think that if he found a plateful of Rogue's fried chicken lying around oh-so-innocently on the floor, he'd be at least a TEENY bit suspicious.

Not a chance. But it was partially understandable – no one could resist Rogue's fried chicken. (1) Well, aside from Kitty, being a vegetarian. So if there's a plate full of the stuff lying oh-so-innocently and completely untouched on the floor, you can't help but dive for it.

Which is exactly what Sam did.

Two seconds later, he found himself hanging upside down by the ankle from the ceiling.

Three seconds later, he found himself face-to-face with Forge. "I can't believe you actually fell for that," Forge said, shaking his head disappointedly.

"Two words," Sam said. "Rogue's fried chicken." (2)

"…That was three words," Forge said.

Sam shrugged and bit into a drumstick. Forge also shrugged and fired his RLLT (Red Lethal-Looking…Thing) at him.

And Sam grew a cute button nose, thick wavy locks, and taut, round buttocks. (3) Rahne happened to walk by at the time, took one look, and fainted. Although whether it was because of Sam or the chicken, we may never know.

Forge glanced down at his RLLT. "Weird," he said. "I thought I set it for 'ogre'…" He started pushing buttons on the RLLT.

Bobby walked in. "Do I smell Rogue's fried chicken?" he said, stopping abruptly right in front of the doorway to sniff at the air.

Forge looked up. "Oh, hey, Bobby!" he said. "Wanna help me with my new and possibly dangerous invention? Thanks!" Without waiting for an answer, he fired it at him.

Bobby screamed and dove to the side. The ray ended up hitting Jubes, who had just walked in behind him.

She turned into a red-eyed black dragon.

"Huh," Forge said. "I set it for blue-eyed white Pegasus." (4)

"My guess is that the gun turns the person into the opposite that you set it as," Bobby said, getting up. "And why were you going to turn me into a blue-eyed white Pegasus?"

"Because The Authoress is going to parody Disney's Hercules with you as Pegasus," Forge said. "Despite the fact that the movie is ridiculously historically inaccurate."

"Ohhhhhh," Bobby said, nodding as if he knew exactly what Forge was talking about.

"Um, can someone change me back?" Jubes asked.

Forge pressed a few buttons on his RLLT and fired it at Jubes.

Two seconds later, she was now a dark pink dragon with green eyes.

"Much better," Forge said.

"I thought you were going to change me back!" Jubes yelled.

"Never said that," Forge said. "Besides, I need you as Dragon anyway."

Jubes glared at him.

Then she breathed fire at him.

Actually, she instead ended up breathing a volley of fireworks at him that nonetheless blasted through the wall and exploded just outside.

"That would be so cool…if it didn't almost kill someone," Bobby said.

"That reminds me," Forge said, adjusting his RLLT and shooting Bobby. Bobby turned into a midget ice donkey.

"Can someone please get meh down from here?" Sam asked. "The blood is starting to go to mah head."

Forge shot Sam, who turned green and landed on his head.

"What?" Bobby said. "I have to be an Assicle, but he still gets to look like himself?"

"No, he's not himself," Forge said. "He's green and has a lot more muscle."

"But-" Bobby began. Forge held up his BLLT warningly. "Shutting up," he said.

Pietro ran in. "Do I smell Rogue's fried chicken?" he said.

Sam hid the plate behind his back. "No," he said.

Forge shot Pietro, who immediately shrunk to half his height. "BUT I'M NOT EVEN NEEDED YET!"

"Neither's Jubes," Forge said. "But since she's stuck like that, so are you."

Rahne finally regained consciousness. "Quick!" Bobby said. "Start the parody before she looks at Sam and faints again."

Too late. Rahne took one look at Sam's muscles (ooh…six-pack) and fell over again.

"…Oh well."

The lights went out. "Did Ray short out the fusebox again?" Bobby asked, and was slapped by Jubes. "Ow!"

Then some shimmery spotlight landed on a leather-bound book, which magically opened. Either that, or Rogue zapped Jean and used her TK.

Sam's disembodied voice started reading. "Once upon a tahm there was a lovely princess." On the page was a picture of Rahne in a princess dress standing near a castle. "But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss." The page turned to a picture of Dragon!Jubes breathing fireworks. "She was locked away in a castle guarded by a fahrwork-breathin' Jubilation. Many brave knahts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the Jubilation's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, where she waited for her true love and true love's first kiss. Aw, that sounds romantic," Sam's disembodied voice sighed as there was a sound of a door opening and closing.

Then there was a high-pitched shriek. "What the bloody hell are you doing in here?" an Aussie voice demanded.

"…This isn't Ray's room, is it?" Sam's disembodied voice asked. "Ah was just gonna return his book."

"That book?" the Aussie's voice demanded. Then, "Oh, thanks, I just ran out of toilet paper." A hand ripped the page out from the book. "Now get out!"

There was a sound of a toilet flushing as Sam got shoved out of an outhouse, book still in hand. He looked back at the door and shuddered. Then a fingerless-gloved hand casually reached over and charged up the book.

"Holy-!" Sam tossed it away just in time. Remy grinned and started singing.

Somebody once told me

De world is gonna roll me

I ain' de sharpest tool in de shed

Sam stared out at the place in front of him. Somehow, the entire place had been turned into a swamp. "Ah am definitely not in Bayville anymore," (5) he said to himself. "What a weird power outage."

She was lookin' kinda dumb

Wit' her finger and her t'umb

In de shape of an 'L' on her forehead

Well

Sam scooped up a bucketful of mud. The slime resettled to form the words "Redneck Shrek."

De years start comin'

And dey don' stop comin'

Fed to de rules

And I hit de ground runnin'

Sam hung the bucket on a high tree branch and took a mud shower.

Rahne immediately regained consciousness. "Aw, he's wearing boxers!" she said.

Didn' make sense not to live for fun

Y' brain gets smart but y' head gets dumb

So much to do

So much to see

So what's wrong wit' takin' de backstreets

Sam gargled some mud around in his mouth and spat it out onto the ground to spell out "Sam Guthrie."

Y'll never know if y' don' go

Y'll never shine if y' don' glow

Sam spread some bugpaste on his toothbrush and brushed his teeth in front of a mirror.

Hey now

Y'r an all-star

Get y' game on

Go play

He smiled into the mirror, which shattered and fell to reveal the words "Bobby Drake."

Hey now

Y'r a rock star

Get de show on

Get paid

Sam jumped into the pond.

The end.

"You're supposed to fart," Forge stage-whispered.

"Ah doan want ta!" Sam said. Ooh, he's a rebel!

Forge shrugged, opened a bottle of some liquid, and tossed it in the pond.

And all dat glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break de mold

A fish came floating up.

"What was that?" Bobby asked Forge.

"Scott's cologne," Forge said.

Sam grabbed the fish, and the plant seed thingies formed the words "Rahne Sinclair."

It's a cool place

And dey say it gets colder

Y'r bundled up now

But wait till y' get older

Sam shoved a ton of mud out of a hollow log.

But de meteor men beg to differ

Judgin' by de hole

In de satellite picture

Sam grabbed a huge slug out of the mud, and the maggots underneath rearranged themselves to from the words "Pietro Maximoff" before they scattered.

De ice we skate is gettin' pretty t'in

De water's gettin' warm

So y' might as well swim

M' world's on fire

How 'bout y'rs

Sam painted a picture, kissed it, and stuck it on a sign. It said "BEWARE: OGRE" and had a picture of him underneath it.

Dat's de way I like it

And I'll never get bored

IN SOME VILLAGE…

A sign on the door said "WANTED: OGRES. REWARD." The door burst open, and Angry Villager People (AKA Duncan, Paul, Taryn, and Kelly) ran out.

Hey now

Y'r an all-star

Get y' game on

Go play

Hey now

Y'r a rock star

Get de show on

Get paid

And all dat glitters is gold

Duncan and Kelly grabbed pitchforks, Paul grabbed a torch, and Sam grabbed a spoon.

Only shootin' stars break de mold

He was eating devilled eggs made into little eyeballs (stick one of those green olives with red thingies in the middle, and they do look like eyes) as a snack.

DPTK ran across the field into the swamp, holding up their torches and pitchforks.

Sam lit a match, burped, and lit the fireplace.

"Keep John AWAY!" Forge yelled.

"FIRE!" John yelled.

"John," Wanda said.

"Yeah?" John asked.

"You're made of wood now," she said. "Think about that."

"No, I'm not!" John said. His nose grew a foot.

Hey now

Y'r an all-star

Get y' game on

Go play

DPTK had now entered the Swamp.

Hey now

Y'r a rock star

Get de show on

Get paid

And all dat glitters is gold

Sam stuck his head out his window, saw DPTK, rolled his eyes, and walked off.

Only shootin' stars break de mold

DPTK tiptoed toward Sam's house. Sam tiptoed after them.

Kelly pushed apart some of the leaves and peered at Sam's house. "Think it's in there?" he said.

"All right," Duncan said. "Let's get it!"

"Whoa, hold on!" Kelly grabbed the back of Duncan's jacket. "Do you know what that thing can do to you?"

"Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread," Taryn said.

There was a laugh, and DPTK whirled around to see Sam standing behind them. "Actually, that's a giant," Sam said. "Doan yah know yoah nursery rhymes?" He shrugged. "Anyway, ogres are much worse. They'll…make a suit from yoah freshly peeled skin. They'll shave yoah liver, squeeze the jelly from yoah eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast," he added thoughtfully.

Paul then did an incredibly stupid thing. He waved his torch in front of Sam. "Back, freak!" he yelled. "I'm warning you!"

Sam then hocked a really big loogie, effectively putting out Paul's torch. Paul laughed nervously. "Right."

Sam paused. "Do Ah have to do tha big roaring thang?" he said.

Forge nodded, keeping a carefully blank face.

Sam blinked. "Um. Roar."

Bobby (he's still an Assicle, mind) burst out laughing. "That was pathetic!" he gasped.

"C'mon, you can do better than that!" Jubes said encouragingly. Although, considering she's a firework-spewing Jubilation (for some reason, the word Dragilation puts an image of ecstatic men in drag, so we'll stick with Jubilation, since I've scarred your minds too), it came out more fear-inspiring.

Sam opened his mouth to try again…

And roared like a lion.

Seriously, he sounded just like Mufasa.

"…Where did that come from?" Rogue asked. Then every head in the vicinity snapped around to look at Forge.

"Why does everyone look at me when something weird happens?" Forge demanded. "And I didn't do anything this time, either!"

Bobby nodded sagely. Although, considering he's an Assicle, it didn't come off as very sagely at all. More like bobble-head. "It must've been a little miracle called je ne sais pas et je ne soin pas," (6) he said.

"In other words, who cares what caused it, we're just glad it worked?" Jamie asked.

"Basically," Jubes said.


(1) – I once read a ficcie where Rogue used her fried chicken to bribe Bobby into being a nice little punchbunny or something like that…something tells me Skysong wrote it. I'm too lazy to check, though.

(2) – I believe Bobby did something similar to this in X Mulan 2. Anyway, it's a ref to Not Another Teen Movie, when Austin says, "Two words, Jake: Prom Queen…material." I LUVERZ Austin!

(3) – If you haven't seen Shrek 2, that's what Shrek says after he wakes up and finds out he's sexy.

(4) – Two refs. Pegasus is from Disney's Hercules. I currently have a plotbunny locked up in my closet from that. It flew at me the millisecond Hades said 'sunspot'. Red Eyes Black Dragon is from Yu-Gi-Oh!, as is Blue Eyes White Dragon. My cousin taught me ALL about the card game and show a few Thanksgivings ago, when he was obsessed with it. However, I still have one very important question about it: What was Yugi on when he designed his hair? Oh yeah, Fun Fact: In Shrek 2, when Donkey drank the potion, Dragon turned into a Pegasus. I find it disappointing that we didn't get to see her as that, but she was probably taking care of the little Dronkeys anyway.

(5) – Follow the yellow brick road! Wizard of Oz, duh. And Shrek says a line similar to that in Shrek 2.

(6) – I don't know and I don't care. Ignorance and apathy. Well, I'm not 100 percent sure about soin meaning care, but that's what it says on Babelfish. And in my trusty little franglais dictionary (honestly, though, how can you call a 2 inch-thick dictionary compact?).

Um…yeah. Review, please! I have no clue when the next chappie will be up. I've only written about two pages of it.