..: Spoken Like a True Assicle :..

Wow, this is a fast update for me!

Enigmagirl2727 – Yes, I know, I gotta watch that movie. Yeah, Skysong, get cracking on that one! Right after The Last Unicorn and MiB and Star Wars…okee, it might be a while.

Psychobunny410 – Ooh! Totally! We should totally do Interview with the Vampire together! Yep, I LUVERZ the book and the movie. I still need to read the other books, though.

Ari – Yes, I got that! Nah, it's all good. I mean, you're not really yelling at me. And yesh, I will be doing this all the way up the karaoke ending. Hehehe, I love the Samp Karaoke Dance Party!

EE's Skysong – You're a vegetarian? Whoa, I didn't know that! Cool! My sis is! Huh, last time I checked the DVD, they didn't mention that Dragon turned into a Pegasus. I was on IMDb(dotcom), and under the trivia for Shrek 2, it said that. All right! I will be doing the New Guy! After Shrek 2, probably. Riding da white pony!

SuperFlyDblOhZero – Thanks! I'll be updating this as often as I can.

Cat2fat900 – Yesh, anything Scott-related tends to be mind-scarring. AUGH! EW! (runs into wall) Thanks for the warning, though. Yesh, I do think Yugi was on crack when he designed his hair. I'm updating! Soon! Tell the nice squirrels to please leave me alone…don't make me send my bunnies after them!

DISCLAIMER: HAVE YOU MET THE FARMHAND?


Forge was trying to get Jamie into Baby Bear's cage. "Get in the cage!" he yelled.

"BUT THIS CAGE IS TOO SMALL!" Jamie complained.

"Stop bumping into things, then!" Forge said.

"Oh," Jamie said, and all of his multiples disappeared. Then, "THIS CAGE IS TOO BIG!"

"You just enjoy giving people migraines, don't you?" Forge asked him.

"Just fulfilling my duty as annoying little brother figure!" Jamie said happily.

"Well," Forge said. "Technically now you're an annoying little bear."

"Yep!" Jamie said proudly. "That's me! Glad I didn't have to wait in that line." He nodded at, well, a line. A line full of fairy tale creatures and the TRAITORS that turned them in! Evil little shits… (1)

Anyway, Evan the Head Captain Soldier Dude Man (aka HCSDM) was sitting behind a table and had just broken Wanda's broom. "Your flying days are over," he said to her.

Wanda just stared. "Just because my name's The Scarlet WITCH doesn't mean I fly on a broomstick!" she yelled. Then she grabbed a coffeemaker and flew off on it, cackling madly.

Forge blinked. "John must've finally gotten to her," he said.

Jean the Ugly Hag and Bobby the Assicle were waiting patiently in line. Well, not really. Bobby was downright panicking. "Please don't turn me in," he babbled. "I'll never be stubborn again. I can change! Please give me another chance!"

"Oh, shut up!" Jean snapped, bringing her arm back to bitchslap him.

"CHILD ABUSE!" Bobby screamed. No one cared.

"Next," Evan called out dully. Scott walked up and dumped Johnocchio onto the table. "Whaddya got?" Evan asked.

"This little wooden puppet," Scott said.

"I'm not a puppet!" Johnocchio said indignantly. "I'm a real boy!" His nose grew a foot.

"Five shillings for the possessed toy," Evan said, handing Scott five coins as Fred dragged Johnocchio away.

Jean walked up with Bobby. "I've got a talking donkey," she said.

"…Riiiiiiiiight," Evan said. "Well, that's worth 10 shillings…" He paused dramatically. "If you can prove it."

Jean took off the rope that was around Bobby's snout. ASSICLE ABUSE! Bobby, making a wise decision for once, didn't say a word.

"He's just a little shy," Jean said. She grabbed Bobby's snout and made it move while talking out of the corner of her mouth. "I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest darn thing you ever saw!"

"Fred!" Evan yelled. Fred picked her up and started dragging away. She kept right on babbling about him being able to talk, and even ended up knocking over a little cage that had the Southernbelle in it. "Why do I have to be the stupid pixie?" Rogue demanded.

"Because Remy's the Gingerbread Man," Forge said.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Rogue demanded.

"Well, in Shrek 2's Far Far Away Idol, Gingy and Tinkerbell do a duet," Forge said.

"So?" Rogue said.

"Well…the dress brings out your eyes?" Forge tried.

Rogue just glared.

Forge sighed. "When will the Authoress make a Storge?"

Kurt, Wagner, and Nightcrawler bamfed in. (2) "Considering you're-"

"-the unofficial director of-"

"-all of the Authoress's parodies, I'd-"

"-say your chances of that are-"

"-slim to none." (3)

"Damn," Forge said.

Back to the parody! So Jean knocked over the Southernbelle's cage, knocking some pixie dust over on Bobby. "Hey!" Bobby said. "I can fly!"

Pietro Pan stared up at him. "He can fly!"

"He can talk!" Evan said.

"That's right!" Bobby said. "You've probably seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you've never seen an Assicle fly!" Just then the pixie dust wore off. "Oh, crap." And he landed unceremoniously on the ground.

"Seize him!" Evan yelled, and Lucid and Façade leaped for Bobby. Bobby ducked, and they instead ended up headbutting each other. Bobby took off running into the forest, the Morlocks hot on his heels.

Ya gotta admit, he runs pretty fast for having über short legs. Of course, he looked back behind him as he ran, and, of course, in doing so, ran straight into Sam.

Bobby heard the Morlocks catching up behind him. Hm, Morlocks or ogre…Morlocks or ogre…ya know, it really isn't that hard of a choice. Especially considering Evan's on one of those sides. Bobby hid behind Sam.

The Morlocks screeched to a halt when they saw Sam. "You there!" Evan said. "Ogre." He pulled a scroll with a fancy "P" emblazoned on the back. "By the order of Lord Pietro…I can't believe I have to work for him…"

"The Authoress is-"

"-very sadistic about-"

"-that sort of thing," Kurt, Wagner, and Nightcrawler said.

Evan rolled his eyes, but continued. "I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated…" Sam was slowly advancing on Evan. "…Resettlement…facility."

"Oh, really?" Sam said. "Yah and what army?"

Evan turned around and saw that all the Morlocks had turned tail and abandoned him not too long ago. He took the hint and ran away as fast as he could in the opposite direction.

Sam turned and started walking away, paying Bobby absolutely no heed at all. "Can I ask you something?" Bobby asked Sam.

Sam turned around. "Are yah talkin' ta-" He realized he was talking to thin air. Or thick air, whichever you like. "-Meh?" He turned back around and almost ran over Bobby. "Whoa!"

"Yes, I was talking to you," Bobby said cheerfully. "Can I just tell you that you were great back there? I mean, those Morlocks! I mean, they thought they were all that, then you showed up, and BAMF!"

Kurt bamfed in. "Oops, sorry," he said, and bamfed back out.

Bobby kept right on talking. "They were tripping over themselves like babes in a wood. That really made me feel good to see that."

"Oh, that's great," Sam said. "Really."

"Man, it's good to be free," Bobby said.

"Then why doan yah go celebrate yoah freedom with yoah own friends?" Sam said.

"But, uh," Bobby said. "I don't have any friends. Wait yes I do!" he added. "I mean, in real life, I do. Just not in this parody…I'M NOT A LONER!" He ran after Sam. "You're a mean, green, fighting machine," he said to him. "Together we'll scare the spit out of anyone that crosses us!"

Unsurprisingly, Bobby was starting to tick Sam off. Sam turned at Bobby and did the Mufasa Roar again.

Bobby was completely unfazed. "Wow!" he said. "That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that doesn't work, then your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic-Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!"

"Ah brushed mah teeth with bugpaste," Sam said. "What do yah expect?"

"Fair enough," Bobby said, and Sam walked off.

He only got a few feet away before Bobby's head popped down from a log Sam was walking under. "You almost melted the hair in my nose!" he said. "Just like the time that-"

Sam clamped his hand over Bobby's snout. "…That would be a scary saht," he said. He took his hand off Bobby's snout. "Why are yah followin' meh?" He walked off without even waiting for an answer.

"I'll tell you why," Bobby said, hopping down from the log.

'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside meeeee

My problems have all gone

There's no one to deride meeeeeeee

But you gotta have friends-

"Stop singin'!" Sam yelled. "It's no wonder yah doan have any friends!"

"I DO have friends, I'M NOT A LONER!" Bobby yelled. "I mean, WOW. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. I get that from Jubes all the time," he added.

"Listen, little Assicle," Sam said. "Take a look at me. What am Ah?"

"Uh…" Bobby looked at Sam. "Really tall?"

"No!" Sam said. "Well, yes, Ah am tall. But Ah'm an ogre! Yah know, 'Grab yoah torches and pitchforks.' Doesn't that bother yah?"

Bobby shook his head. "Nope!"

"Really?" Sam said, surprised.

"Really really," Bobby said.

"Oh."

"Man, I like you!" Bobby said. "What's your name?"

"Uh…Sam," Sam said.

Bobby looked at him oddly. "Was it just me, or did you actually have to think about that for a minute?"

"It's just yah," Sam said.

"Oh, okay!" Bobby said cheerfully. "Well, do you know what I like about you, Sam? You've got that kind of I-don't-care-what-anybody-thinks-of-me thing. I respect that."

They finally climbed over a hill and got to the swamp. "Whoa!" Bobby said. "Look at that! Who'd want to live in a place like that?"

"That would be mah home," Sam said.

"Oh!" Bobby said. "And it's lovely! Just beautiful! You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget." He stopped in front of a boulder. "I like that boulder," he said. "That is a nice boulder."

Sam and Bobby passed by all of Sam's signs that said things like "Keep Out", "Beware: Ogre", and stuff like that. "So, uh, I guess you don't entertain much, do you?" Bobby said.

"Ah lahk mah privacy," Sam said.

"Me too!" Bobby said. "That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. Then there's that big awkward silence, you know?"

Cue big awkward silence.

"…Can I stay with you?" Bobby said.

"What?" Sam said.

"Can I stay with you, please?" Bobby said.

"Of course!" Sam said.

"Really?" Bobby asked.

"No."

"Please!" Bobby said. "I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! …Well, maybe you do. Actually, we all do," he added thoughtfully. "But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! PLEASE!"

"Okay, okay!" Sam said. "But one naht only."

"THANK YOU!" Bobby exclaimed, running inside and jumping onto a chair. "This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!"

Sam strangled the air.

"Uh…where do I sleep?" Bobby asked.

"Outsahd!" Sam said, pointing. Bobby walked out, ears drooping. "…Whah do Ah always have ta be tha mean person?" (4)

LATER…

Sam was just about to eat a lovely dinner. Well, lovely on ogre standards. On regular standards, it looked like a cross between something out of a Halloween movie and cafeteria food. He was just about to dig in when there was a creaking noise. "Ah thought Ah told ya ta stay outsahd!" Sam said.

"I am outside!" Bobby said, poking his head through the window. Sam turned around and saw the shadow of a…thing run by.

Kurt, Wagner, and Nightcrawler bamfed in, grabbed Forge's RLLT, and shot it at Alex, Forge, and Ray.

"But I'm the Director!" Forge yelled at Kurt. Actually, he yelled at a spot a couple feet away from Kurt, considering the three were now the Three Blind Eds.

"Yeah, well-"

"-Jubes is taking over for-"

"-a little because of the whole-"

"-fair tale creature refuge thing, and-"

"-you, Alex, and Ray are the-"

"-voices of Ed, Edd, and Eddy."

Forge glared at them. Not that you could really tell, since he's wearing glasses and all.

Alex was tapping away with his cane on Sam's dinner table. "Well, dudes," he said. "It's a far cry from Hawaii, but what choice do we have?" He then tripped over Sam's spoon.

"It's not home," Forge said, knocking over a container full of eyeballs, "But it'll do just fine."

Ray sat down on a very squishy slug. "Nice bed," he said.

Sam grabbed Ray. "Gotcha!"

"I found some cheese!" Ray said, and bit into Sam's ear. "No, wait, it's Sam's ear."

"…How do you know that?" Jubes asked.

"It's kinda in the script," Bobby stage-whispered.

"Ray didn't read the script," Jubes stage-whispered back.

"Oh," Bobby said. Then he gave Ray a weird look.

Ray sighed exasperatedly. "Remember Never Have I Ever Night?" he said.

"You mean the one when Scott got wasted and went skinny dipping in the pool and our minds were scarred for all eternity?" Bobby asked.

"No," Ray said. "But thanks for bringing that up! I had JUST gotten that image out of my mind!"

"Great, now it's stuck in my head, too!" Jubes said. "THE HORROR!"

"Wait, so are you talking about the one when Remy and John went streaking around the block?" Bobby asked.

"No, that was Dare or Double Dare Night," Ray said. "I'm talking about the one when Kurt was beyond drunk and gave us all a really kinky yoga lesson."

"That was Twister Night!" Bobby said.

"Oh yeah," Ray said.

"So, what happened?" Jubes asked.

"Well," Ray said, then stopped. "Crap, now I can't remember."

"Ye laddies are all hopeless," Rahne said, hitting Ray on the back of his head and knocking him headfirst into the squishy slug. "Okay, so what happened on Twister Night, after the multiple shots that had absolutely nothing to do with Twister, and during the kinky yoga lesson from Kurt – funny how Kitty already knew a lot of those positions – well, during the partnering up bit, Ray and Sam were partners."

"Can we stop talkin' about this?" Sam asked.

"Nay," Rahne said, and continued. "So, when Ray's really drunk, he tends to act like Frank from the DQ boards (5), only a lot hornier."

Ray's head shot up. "I agree with Sam, we can stop talking now," he said.

"Dude, shut up, she's getting to the good part!" Alex said, hitting Ray on the head. Only, being blind, he missed and hit Forge on the head.

"Actually," Rahne said. "It was my turn to get more drinks. By the time I got back, Sam was yelling his head off and Ray was making out with his ear."

"Um, I have no memory of that whatsoever," Ray said.

"Ah second that," Sam said.

"I don't!" Tabby said cheerfully. "I took pictures."

"Why is it that whenever something really weird or embarrassing happens," Amara said, "You're always the one who takes the pictures?"

Tabby shrugged. "Because I always have a camera?"

"That makes sense," Amara said. "Oh, and I'm not entirely sure, but I think little Ray-Ray got a wee bit too excited when Kurt was teaching us the 'Crouching Turtle, Hidden Salamander' position."

"Yeah, that one was beyond kinky," Robbie said.

"Yeah, but it-"

"-works wonders on your-"

"Gluteus Maximus," KWN pointed out.

"…Since when is my name Ray-Ray?" Ray said.

"Not you," Tabby said. "One day, us girls were bored, so we decided to name you guys' packages."

"…Great," Ray said dully.

"Yeah, like Bobby's is Bobby Lee," Amara said.

"Referring to the Mad TV actor, and…other reasons," Kitty said, glancing at Jubes.

"Can we get on with the scene?" Forge said. "I really don't like being blind."

"Now yah know how it feels!" Sam said. (6)

Anyway, back to the parody! Anyway, so Robbie the Dwarf shoved Shadow White (coffin and all) onto the table, knocking Alex, Forge, and Ray onto the floor. "No," Sam said, shoving her toward Robbie. "Dead girl off tha table!"

"Well, where am I supposed to put her?" Robbie said. "The bed's taken!"

That got Sam's attention. He ran over to his bed and pulled back the curtains to reveal…

Lance in a nightgown and cap. "What?" he said. "I'm gonna ROCK your world!"

Sam rolled his eyes and grabbed Lance by the collar. "Ah live in a swamp. Ah put up sahns. Ah'm an ogre! What do Ah have ta do ta get a little privacy?" he demanded as he opened the door and threw Lance out. Then he saw the huge crowd of fair tale creatures in front of him. "Oh no."

Tabby, Amara, and Kitty flew by on broomsticks, cackling sadistically. Further on was the Little Old Jeannie Who Lived in a Shoe, and several Jamies streaming out of the boot. Logan was piping, or playing…well, a pipe, and dozens of Swamp Rats ran up to him. "No guinea pigs?" Logan sniffed. "I MISS RODNA!" (7) A little further over, Papa Scott and Baby Jamie were sitting in front of a fire. Hm, Mama Jean isn't there…

"What are y'all doin' in my swamp?" Sam demanded. He glared at Bobby.

"Hey, don't look at me," Bobby said. "I didn't invite them."

"No one invited us," Johnocchio said.

"What?" Sam said.

"We were forced to come here," Johnocchio said.

"By who?" Sam asked.

"Lord Pietro," Kurt said. "He-"

"-huffed und he puffed und he-"

"-signed an eviction notice."

Sam sighed. "All raht," he said. "Who knows where this Pietro guy is?"

"Oh, I do!" Bobby said. "I know where he is!"

"Does anyone else know where ta find him?" Sam asked.

Jamie waved his hand – er, paw – in the air, but Scott put it down. Lance and Kitty pointed at each other.

"Ooh! Me! Me!" Bobby exclaimed, jumping up and down.

"Anyone?" Sam asked.

"Oh, I know! I know! Me! Me!" Bobby practically screamed in Sam's ear.

Sam sighed in defeat. "Okay, fahne," he said. "Attention all fairy tale thangs. Doan get comfortable. Yoah welcome is officially worn out. In fact, Ah'm gonna see this Pietro guy raht now and get all of yah off mah land and back where y'all belong!"

There was a pause.

Then everyone started cheering.

Sam rolled his eyes. "Come on, Bobby," he said as he grabbed a torch from Robbie and started walking off.

"All right!" Bobby said. "Sam and Bobby, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure! On the road again," he sang. "Sing it with me, Sam! I can't wait to get on the road again-"

Sam whirled around. "What did Ah say about singin'?"

"Can I whistle?" Bobby asked.

"No."

"Can I hum it?"

"All raht, hum it." Sam rolled his eyes as Bobby did, in fact, start humming it. "Ah'm gonna get a mahgraine before this is all over," he muttered.

"And CUT!" Jubes yelled. "I always wanted to say that. Now, where's the Swamp Rats?" She grabbed Logan's pipe thingie and played it for a little.

Then she was nearly run over by about sixty Swamp Rats. Jamie grabbed his SaCoLiRED present (8) and shot it at the Swamp Rat. One flash of light later, a single Swamp Rat was standing in front of them. Jubes shot the RLLT at him, and he changed back into Remy.

"First rats, now what?" Remy said.

"Oh, that reminds me," Jubes said, pressed a few buttons on the RLLT, and shot Remy again. He now had prosthetic legs. "What de-? Why does Remy have prost'etic legs?"

"Well, if you want Fred to rip off your real legs…" Jubes said.

"Remy'll have de prost'etics!" Remy said quickly.

Jubes grinned sadistically. "I thought so." Then she shot the RLLT at him again, and he shrank to half a foot tall.

"Hey, that's even shorter than when I was Mushu!" Johnocchio said cheerfully.

"Yeah, rub it in," Remy said. Another RLLT shot later, he was De Cajunbread Man.

"I hope you like milk," Jubes said sweetly.

Remy glanced at the glass of milk next to him. "Merde."


(1) – I once saw a bunch of Harry Potter flash parodies. In one of them (parodying the Mirror of Erised) Dumbledore calls Harry a little shit. And then in another (parodying a Quidditch match) when Harry walks down a hallway, there's a painting of Dumbledore, and every time you put the cursor over it, he yells, "You little shit!" They are SO FUNNY. If you wanna see them, I'll be putting up the link on my profile.

(2) – Like I said before, if you haven't read the ficcie Drei by Mieren, GO READ IT!

(3) – You know how twins finish each other's sentences? Well, I'm taking that and making it beyond annoying. Oh, and the order the Three Little Fuzzies talk in are Kurt, Wagner, Nightcrawler. Always.

(4) – Yeah, Shrek's sorta standoffish, and in Quest For Sanity by EE's Skysong, Garett is sorta standoffish, too. Oh well.

(5) – If you don't understand, go read the last chappie of X Mulan 2.

(6) – Sam is Garrett in QFC. Garrett is blind.

(7) – The XBand trilogy.

(8) – Also in the last chappie of X Mulan 2.

Shiznit! That reminds me! Okee, I'm assuming everyone has seen Shrek, right? If not, I virtually slap you. Okee, so you know Fiona's whole nighttime transformation? Well, seeing as it's Rahne, I could either a) have Forge zap her with his RLLT and make her green…and with more muscle, I guess, just for fun; or b) have Rahne be in her lupine form. I dunno, which one should I do? Help!