..: Wipe Your…Face :..

Yesh! My 7-day no-updating thing ish OVER! CK will be reposted tomorrow (sans-lyrics…grr), with a link in place of the missing lyrics. I'll be putting them up on my LJ that I created out of sheer boredom!

Thanks to psychobunny410, Cat2fat900, EE's Skysong, Sangofanatic, Enigmagirl2727, toddfan, and Sweety8587 for reviewing! All right, I have counted the votes and the winner is: Rahne going lupine! Everyone knows that when I say lupine, I mean Rahne in here werewolf/in between form, right? Cuz her as a full wolf…well, I'd imagine it'd be kinda hard for Sam to kiss her. Thanks to Skysong for the Forge-zappy idearr! I tweaked it quite a bit, but…ah, you'll see.

DISCLAIMER: "I will be as a fly on the wall – a grain of salt in the ocean. I will move amongst them like a transparent…thing."


Ooh, look. A torture room…with a glass of milk. Right.

Evan ran in and grabbed the milk. "That's MY moo-juice, biyatch!" he said, bitch-slapped Fred, and ran out.

"…O-kay, then," Forge said.

So, anyway, somewhat ominous music played while Pietro walked down the hall and into the torture room.

"Wow, he's short," Jamie said.

"SHUT UP!"

Pietro watched from just inside the room for a little, and on the wall was the silhouette of Fred dunking De Cajunbread Man into a glass of…something. Whatever it was, every time Fred lifted Remy out, he'd yell, "Non!"

"That's enough," Pietro said. "He's ready to talk."

Fred pulled Remy's head out of the glass. "Non, non!" Remy yelled. "Still…more…bourbon…" Fred ripped off his prosthetic legs and dumped him on the table.

Pietro walked up to the table, laughing a truly pathetic evil villain laugh. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HAHAHAHAHA…" He walked up to the table, which was just above his head. "Ahem!" Fred lowered the table, and Pietro grabbed Remy's prosthetic legs, running them around Remy. "Run, run, run, as fast as you can," he mocked. "You can't catch me, I'm De Cajunbread Man!"

"Y're a monster!" Remy yelled.

"No I'm not," Pietro said. "You are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me! Where are the others?"

"Eat Remy!" Remy said, spitting out a mouthful of bourbon into Pietro's eye.

"AUGH! IT STINGS!" Pietro yelled, running around the room in circles.

"You weren't supposed to actually spit him in the eye," Forge said.

Remy shrugged.

Pietro then ran into a brick wall. Maybe brick walls are the universal cure for things, because that seemed to fix everything. He came back to the table. "I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll…" He grabbed one of Remy's beads, preparing to yank it off.

"Non, not de beads!" Remy said quickly. "Not Remy's Mardi Gras beads."

"…Did you have to flash somebody to get those?" Jubes asked.

"It's a funny story, sheila," John said.

"Tais-toi!" (1) Remy yelled.

"Aw, but it's a real funny story!" John said.

"Don' make Remy get de fire extinguisher," Remy threatened.

"Um, hate to break it to ya, mate," John said, "But to get to it, you need legs!"

"And this is a torture room," Rahne pointed out.

"Fair enough," John said happily. "Okay, so Remy, Piotr, and I were down in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, and we got reeeeeeeeeeally drunk. Well, me and Remy. Piotr was a sober as…something really sober."

"That always seems to be the excuse for things," Tabby mused. "I have pictures!"

"Duh, you were there," John said. "So we somehow ran into Forge, who was Rogue, Kitty, Wanda, and Tabby's chaperone. How did ya get landed with that job, anyway?" he asked Forge.

"Logan overheard their plan for a road trip and was off on the road, Hank had the whole blue-and-furry excuse…which didn't work as well, since it was Mardi Gras, but then he had the Speedo excuse. The Prof had to stay at the X-Mansion, and 'Ro said she was too busy taking care of her new Venus fly trap," Forge said dully. "And Warren was too busy with his new alligator sanctuary." (2)

"Ah," John said, having tuned out after "Logan." "So, Forge was incredibly bored and making something out of one of Tabby's cameras that Kitty had phased through. Only, like us, Forge was also reeeeeeeeeeally drunk, so he really had no clue what he was making. Actually, everyone except Piotr was drunk, because Piotr was the designated driver. So Kitty wanted to take a picture of Piotr because he was dressed like a pimp – oh yeah, I picked those clothes out for him – but she grabbed Forge's invention camera instead of the other one. And when she took a picture-" John burst out laughing.

"What?" Jubes said. "What happened?"

John was laughing too hard, so Tabby took over. "Well, Piotr's pretty shy when it comes to pictures, so he was trying to run away, and Remy and John were trying to hold him down. So Kitty had the camera on speed – you know, that setting for taking pictures of things in motion or whatever – and after she took the picture, Piotr phased through Remy."

"…I'm lost," Rahne said.

"Well," Tabby said. "Wanda took the camera away from Kitty after she turned metal and almost crushed it. Then she took a picture of John with the flash, and they switched bodies."

"How could you tell?" Amara asked.

"Well, 'Wanda' was sobbing over the fact that 'she' couldn't control fire anymore, for one," Tabby said. "It looked weird. Kitty had to hit 'her' over the head to knock her out. Anyway, so then Remy took the camera and took a picture of Rogue on portrait – you know, the one for close-up pictures – and then he turned into a girl and she turned into a guy."

"So the camera switches things between the picture taker and the person in the picture?" Rahne said. "And the different settings are different things?"

"Exactly," Forge said. "And then some guy walked by with some Mardi Gras beads, and since Remy was really drunk, he wanted some, so he flashed him."

"It was pretty disturbing, since he's really a guy and all," Tabby said. "But I took pictures anyway."

"And the guy with the beads didn't think that was weird at all?" Amara said.

"Nope," Tabby said. "He gave me purple beads and a rainbow flag."

"…Okay, then," Jubes said.

Pietro cleared his throat. "I really hate being short, can we hurry this up?" he said.

"Whatever," Tabby said, and took a picture of him.

"All right," Pietro said, grabbing a flashlight and shining it in Remy's face. "Who's hiding them?"

"Okay, Remy'll tell y'," Remy said. "Do y' know de Gumbo Man?"

"The Gumbo Man?" Pietro asked.

"De Gumbo Man," Remy repeated.

"Yeah, I know the Gumbo Man," Pietro said. "Who lives on Drury Lane?"

"Dat's de Muffin Man," Remy said irritably. "De Gumbo Man lives on Creole Lane. Well, she's married t' de Gumbo Man."

"The Gumbo Man?" Pietro asked again.

"DE GUMBO MAN!" Remy yelled. Obviously, all the repeating was getting to him.

"She's married to the Gumbo Man…" Pietro said thoughtfully.

The door slammed open, and Evan ran in. "My lord! I really hate this," he muttered.

"That's what you get for your addiction to moo juice," Forge said.

"But-"

"SILENCE, PATHETIC IMITATION!" Forge yelled.

Evan sighed resignedly. "We found it," he said to Pietro in a dull voice.

"Then what are you waiting for?" Pietro said. "Bring it in!"

Evan dragged in the mirror, hung it on a hook, and pulled off the cloth to reveal…Magic Monkey Mirror.

"Ooh," everyone said.

"Magic Monkey Mirror…" Pietro began.

"Don' tell him anyt'in'!" Remy yelled. Pietro swept him off the table and into the garbage can. "Merde!"

"Evening," Pietro said to Magic Monkey Mirror. "Monkey Mirror, Monkey Mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?"

"Well, technically, I'm on a hook," Magic Monkey Mirror said. "And technically, you're not a king."

"BLOB!" Pietro yelled Frau Farbissina-esquely.

Fred held up a hand mirror and punched it into smithereens.

Magic Monkey Mirror chuckled nervously. "What I mean is, you're not a king yet. All you have to do is marry a princess."

"Go on," Pietro said.

"So…just…sit back and relax," Magic Monkey Mirror said, clearly improvising, "Because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are!"

Game show music started playing as Magic Monkey Mirror showed a darkened picture of Amara about to step into a glass slipper.

"Talk about irony," Magic Monkey Mirror said. (Okee, he is now MMM. That's just TOO LONG to type out over and over) "Amara's the only real princess, and she's the one who's playing someone who isn't a princess."

"The Authoress is sadistic about that sort of thing," Forge said.

"Bachelorette #1 is a mentally abused – actually, it's more like identity crisis – mutant from a kingdom far, far, away. Not THE kingdom Far, Far, Away; a kingdom far, far, away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include ordering other people around and starting a Charlie's Angels-esque vigilante group. Please welcome Magmarella!" The picture lit up. "Warning: going hot tubbing in a hot spring might cause an unintentional volcanic eruption.

"Bachelorette #2 is a phasing girl from a land of shopping. Although she lives with 7 other men – actually, it's more like 11."

"No, the-"

"-Acolytes moved-"

"-in, remember?" KWN said.

"Glad I didn't," MMM said. "Okay, so 14."

"And then-"

"-the Brotherhood-"

"-moved in, too."

"Okay, 18 other men, but she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a perky chatterbox she is. Give it up for Shadow White!" A picture of Kitty in a glass coffin lit up.

"And last, but certainly not least, Bachelorette #3 is a fiery redhead in a Jubilation-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain – but then again, who doesn't?"

"ME!" Johnocchio said. "Evil rain kills fire…but I do love piña coladas. Stupid American drinking laws," he muttered darkly.

"Yours for the rescuing, Princess Rahne!" A picture of Rahne in a tower window looking like a total DID (Damsel In Distress) lit up. "So will it be Bachelorette #1, Bachelorette #2, or Bachelorette #3?"

All the guards started yelling, mainly just to confuse Pietro. "Two! Two!" Lance yelled.

"One!" Robbie yelled.

"Uh…number three!" Fred yelled, holding up two fingers.

"Three! One! Four! Sixteen!" Jamie yelled, jumping up and down.

Pietro rolled his eyes. "…Number 3!" he said.

"Lord Pietro," MMM said, "You've chosen Princess Rahne!"

Kurt started singing that one piña colada song.

If you like piña coladas

And getting caught in the rain

If you're not into yoga…

"Princess Rahne," Pietro said. "She's perfect. All I have to do is go find someone who can-"

"I probably should mention a little thing that happens at night," MMM said.

"I'll do it!" Pietro said.

"Yes," MMM said patiently, "But after sunset-"

"SILENCE!" Pietro screamed Frau Farbissina-esquely. "I will make this Princess Rahne my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Evan," Pietro snapped his fingers. "Assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament!" And he grinned eeeevilly.

JUST OUTSIDE DULOC…

Sam and Bobby walked into the parking lot. "That's DuLoc," Bobby said. "I told you I'd find it!"

"So," Sam said, staring up at Pietro's castle. "That must be Lord Pietro's castle. Yah think he's compensatin' for somethang?"

Bobby was clueless. Sam rolled his eyes and kept walking.

In front of the entrance to DuLoc, Evan was standing around with a giant Pietro head thingie on his head. "Hey!" Sam said.

Evan took one look at Sam, screamed, and ran through the rope lines to the entrance. "Wait a sec!" Sam said. "Ah'm not gonna eat yah. Ah just-"

Evan kept screaming. Sam sighed and started walking through the ropes, which was the smart thing to do. Instead of Evan, who was running back and forth and back and forth…and then ran straight into the ticket booth.

Sam and Bobby looked down at the now-unconscious Evan, shrugged, and walked through the turnstile.

Well, Sam walked through while Bobby had a helluva hard time trying to push his way through. He ended up doing a flip and landing flat on his stomach. "Yah know," Sam said. "Yah could'a just walked under tha turnstahl. Ah mean, yoah short enough ta do that now."

"Shut up," Bobby said.

They walked into an eerily quiet courtyard. "It's quiet," Sam said. "Too quiet."

"Hey, look!" Bobby said, running over to a box thingie marked "Information" and pulling the lever that said "Pull" on it.

A ticking noise started up. "Huh, it kinda sounds like a bomb," Bobby said.

The ticking got faster and faster and faster and faster until the doors burst open to reveal several Jamie Multiple Puppets. The JMPs started singing.

Welcome to Duloc

Such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves

Stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is a perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes

Wipe your…

The JMPs in the front row turned around and bent over.

Face

DuLoc is

DuLoc is

DuLoc is a perfect plaaaaaaace

The doors swung shut and a camera took a picture of Sam and Bobby.

"Wow!" Bobby said. "Let's do that again!"

"No no no!" Sam yelled, grabbing Bobby and yanking him back. "No."

"You're no fun," Bobby said.

Then they heard trumpets playing from the castle and Pietro starting on a lame speech. "Brave knights," he began, "You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove yourself…"

Bobby started humming the "Welcome to DuLoc" song.

"Yah're goin' tha raht way foah a smacked bottom," Sam said.

"Sorry," Bobby said, and stopped humming.

"That champion shall have the honor – no, no – the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Rahne from the fiery keep of the Jubilation," Pietro said.

Sam and Bobby shrugged and walked right out into the tournament grounds.

"If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful," Pietro continued, "The first runner-up will take his place…and so on, blah blah blah. Some of you may die," There was a gasp from the crowd. "But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." There were cheers from the crowd. Wonder if it's got anything to do with Lance holding up an "Applause" sign. "Let the tournament begin!"

Sam rolled his eyes and started pushing his way through the knights.

"What is that?" Pietro demanded, as a collective gasp ran through the crowd. "It's hideous!"

"Well, that's not very nahce," Sam said. He looked back at Bobby, who nodded. "It's just an Assicle." Bobby stopped nodding and looked confused.

"Riiiiiiiiiiight," Pietro said. "Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!"

The knights pointed their pikes/spears/swords/axes/toothpicks/etc at Sam, who backed up against a table. "Can't we just settle this ovah a pint?" Sam said, holding up a pint of beer.

The knights seemed completely unfazed. "No?" Sam said. "Okay, then." He downed the beer and smashed off the faucet of a huge keg behind him. The blast of beer that came out effectively knocked over about five of the knights. Sam grabbed a pike from one of the knights and tripped him.

Meanwhile, Rogue started singing.

Ah doan give a damn

'Bout mah reputation

Bobby rolled another huge keg onto Scott, squishing him.

Yoah livin' in tha past

It's a new generation

Bobby rolled the keg over more knights that came running out.

A girl can do what she wants to do

Sam jumped into a boxing ring, followed by Robbie and Ray.

And that's what Ah'm gonna do

Sam bounced back against the ropes and knocked Robbie and Ray out (if that's confusing, basically what happens in any WWE match. Or just watch the movie).

The crowd booed.

And Ah doan give a damn

'Bout mah bad reputation

Sam wrapped his legs around Lance's head and tackled him to the ground.

Then he climbed up on a corner post and jumped on Lance. That looks like it hurt. Evan crept up behind Sam, spike drawn. The crowd gasped.

Oh no, no, no, no, no

Not me, me, me, me, me

Sam grabbed the spike and twisted Evan around. "Hey! Tag me!" Bobby yelled.

And Ah doan give a damn

'Bout mah reputation

Sam carried Evan over, and Bobby headbutted him. "OW!" Bobby yelled. "He really does have a thick skull!"

Nevah said Ah wanted

Ta improve mah station

Sam climbed up on a corner post and waved at the now-cheering crowd. Todd was trying to sneak up behind him.

And Ah'm always feelin' good

When Ah'm havin' fun

Sam turned around and jumped of Todd's shoulders, knocking him down.

And Ah doan have ta please no one

"The chair!" Tabby yelled. "Give him the chair!"

And Ah doan give a damn

'Bout mah bad reputation

Sam hit Todd over the head with a wooden folding chair.

Oh no, no, no, no, no

Not me, me, me, me, me

(listen to lyrics)Sam kicked Robbie in the face, picked Ray up and slammed him backwards into the ground, twisted Scott's leg behind him while he desperately reached for the rope, slammed Evan headfirst into the ground, and spun Todd around above his head before throwing him into a corner post. Bobby kicked him in the head.

"Thank y'all!" Sam said to the crowd. "Thank y'all very much! Ah'm here till Thursday! Try tha veal! NO WAIT DOAN EAT VEAL!"

Pietro snapped his fingers, and all the soldiers aimed their crossbows at Sam and Bobby. "Dude, can we shoot 'em?" Evan asked.

"…No," Pietro said. "People of DuLoc," he announced, "I give you our champion!"

"What?" Sam said.

"Congrats, ogre," Pietro said. "You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest."

"Quest?" Sam repeated. "Ah'm already on a Quest foah Sanity!" (3)

Bobby glanced at him oddly.

"Ah mean, Ah'm already on a quest ta get mah swamp back," Sam said.

"Your swamp?" Pietro said.

"Yeah, mah swamp! Where yah dumped those fairy tale creatures!"

"Indeed," Pietro said. "All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back."

"Exactly tha way it was?" Sam asked.

"Down to the last slime-covered toadstool," Pietro said.

"And tha squatters?" Sam said.

"As good as gone," Pietro said.

Sam thought about it for a moment. "What kind of quest?" he asked.


(1) – According to Babelfish, tais-toi means "keep silent yourself", but according to my French teacher and dictionnaire, it means "shut up." Ferme-la actually means "shut it."

(2) – Toddfan's ficcie Teacher Training. COOKIE!

(3) – If I had a nickel for every time I made a ref to something of Skysong's, I'd have a lot of nickels.

Um…yeah. Click onward!