..: The Wrath of Jubilation Part I :..
DISCLAIMER: "Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata…hiding amongst the candy…hoping the kids don't break through with the stick!"
"Let me get this straight," Bobby said as he and Sam walked through a bunch of sunflowers. "You're gonna go fight a Jubilation and rescue a preincess just so Pietro will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that right?"
"Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk," Sam said.
"I don't get it," Bobby said. "Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip."
Sam grabbed an onion and a few ears of corn. "Maybe Ah could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pahke, gotten a knahfe, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to yah?"
"Uh, no, not really, no," Bobby said.
"Fo' yoah info, there's a lot more to ogres than people think," Sam said.
"Example?" Bobby asked.
"Example?" Sam repeated. "Okay, uh, ogres are lahke onions," he said, holding out an onion.
Bobby sniffed it. "They stink?"
"Yes," Sam said. "No!"
"They make you cry?" Bobby asked.
"No."
"Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs," Bobby said.
"No!" Sam yelled. "Layers!" He started ripping layers off the onions. "Onions have layers! Ogres have layers! Yah get it? We both have layers!" He threw the onion down and walked off.
"…Oh, you both have layers," Bobby said. He sniffed the onion. "You know, not everyone likes onions. Cake!" he exclaimed. "Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers."
"Ah doan care what everyone lahkes," Sam said. "Ogres are not lahke cakes." He walked past Bobby.
"You know what else everyone likes?" Bobby said. "Parfaits." He ran to catch up with Sam. "Have you ever met a person and said, 'Let's get some parfait,' and they said, 'No, I don't like parfait'? Parfaits are delicious."
"No!" Sam yelled. "Yah dense, irritating, frozen miniature beast of burden! End of story! Bye-bye! See yah later."
Bobby thought for a moment, then started rambling again. "Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole planet."
"Yah know," Sam said. "Ah think Ah preferred yoah humming."
"Do you have a tissue or something?" Bobby asked. "I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
For no reason other than to speed up a tedious journey, Alex started singing.
I'm on my way
From misery to happiness today
Bobby and Sam walked down a hill as the sun was setting.
Uh-huh, uh-huh
Uh-huh, uh-huh
Bobby and Sam walked past some rocks that looked kinda like Easter Island statues, but only without faces.
I'm on my way
From misery to happiness today
Bobby and Sam snored their hearts out next to a campfire.
Uh-huh, uh-huh
Uh-huh, uh-huh
Sam practically burned his foot trying to stamp out the fire…then Bobby did the smart thing and froze it.
And everything
That you receive up yonder
Is what you give
To me the day I wander
Bobby and Sam reached the foot of a volcano with a huge ominous black cloud swirling above it.
"It's one of my better works," Ororo said, making the wind swirl the ominous cloud around some more.
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Bobby and Sam were walking up the volcano when Bobby smelled a nasty smell. "Ugh! Sam, was that you? Man, you gotta warn someone before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything."
"Believe meh, Bobby," Sam said. "If it was meh, yah'd be dead."
"No, I wouldn't," Bobby said.
"Well…it was in the script," Sam said. He sniffed the air. "It's…Ah dunno, what is that?"
"Kurt's special stink bomb," Forge said, holding up an old bottle of Kitty's perfume refilled with…whatever it was, it was pitch blak. "49 percent Scott's perfume, 49 percent the sweat from Logan's socks, 1 percent black nail polish, and 1 percent secret ingredient."
"…That's nahce ta know," Sam said. "Well, we must be gettin' close."
Sam and Bobby climbed over a last ridge and looked down…at a huge stone castle, surrounded by a boiling lake of lava. Amara, who was doing laps in said lake of lava, waved at them. There was a rickety wooden bridge connecting the castle to the edge of the volcano.
"Sure, it's big enough," Sam said. "But look at tha location!" He laughed and jumped over the ridge.
"Uh, Sam, remember when you said that ogres have layers?" Bobby said.
"Yeah," Sam said.
"Well, I have a confession to make," Bobby said. "Assicles don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves."
"Wait a sec," Sam said. "Assicles doan have sleeves."
"You know what I mean," Bobby said.
"Oh, yah can' tell meh yoah afraid of heights," Sams aid.
"No," Bobby said, "I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!"
"Come on, Bobby," Sam said. "Ah'm raht here beside yah, okay? Foah emotional support, we'll just tackle this thang one little baby step at a time." He pushed Bobby ahead of him.
"Really?" Bobby said.
"Really really," Sam said.
"Okay," Bobby said. "That makes me feel so much better."
"Just keep movin'," Sam said. "And doan look down."
"Okay, don't look down," Bobby said to himself. "Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down."
Then his hoof broke straight through one of the planks, sending said plank tumbling down into the boiling lake of lava where it hit Amara on the head. "Hey!" Amara yelled. "Watch it, you jerks!"
That, of course, made Bobby look down. "Sam!" he yelled. "I'm looking down!" He jumped up and turned around. "I can't do this! Just let me off!"
"But yoah already halfway," Sam said.
"Yeah, but I know that half is safe," Bobby said.
"Okay, fahne," Sam said. "Ah doan have tahme foah this. Yah go back." He started walking forward.
"Wait!" Bobby yelled, trying to push by Sam. However, the bridge was unbelievably narrow, and the only way someone could pass someone else was by climbing over them.
Maybe Sam was bored, or maybe Bobby's yelling was starting to get to him. Whatever the case, Sam started swinging the bridge back and forth. "Hey!" Bobby yelled. "Don't do that!"
"What, this?" Sam asked, swinging the bridge again.
"Yes, that!" Bobby yelled.
"Yes?" Sam said. "Yes, do it." He thought for a moment. "Okay." And he swung the bridge even more.
"No!" Bobby yelled, hyperventilating and backing up as fast as he could. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna-" He realized he had just backed up onto solid rock. "Oh."
Sam walked up and patted Bobby on the head. "That'll do, Bobby," he said. "That'll do."
Bobby looked back at the bridge, then at Sam. "Cool," he said. "So where is this firework-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?"
"Insahde, waiting fo' us ta rescue her," Sam said. "…Doan tell Rahne Ah said that."
"I was talking about the Jubilation, Sam," Bobby said. "…Don't tell Jubes I said that."
"Eh, it was in the script," Forge said lazily.
INSIDE THE CASTLE…
It was dark, gloomy, and ominous. "You afraid?" Bobby whispered.
"No, but shh," Sam said.
"Oh, good, me neither," Bobby said.
"Yoah a really bad liar," Sam said. "And two things: Shut. Up." He grabbed a helmet and stuck it on his head. "Now go ovah there and see if yah can fahnd any stairs."
"Stairs?" Bobby said. "I thought we were looking for the princess.
"Tha princess will be up the stairs in tha highest room in tha tallest tower," Sam said.
"What makes you think she'll be there?" Bobby asked.
"Ah read it in a book once," Sam said.
"For the record," Ray yelled, "It's not my book!"
"Really?" Sam said sarcastically.
"It's not!" Ray said. "It's Bobby's!"
Sam's head jerked around to look at Bobby so quickly it made a nasty cracking noise. Then he turned back to Ray. "Really?"
"Ask Sue-Anne!" Ray said. (1)
This time, Sam's head jerked around to look at Bobby so quickly he fell over.
"Uh……" Bobby said.
Ray then ratted Bobby out, despite the fact that the Authoress strongly suggests that you go read the footnote at the bottom of the ficcie right now, seeing as you might already know what happened. (coughTODDFANcough)
"Okay, so remember that time in between Mainstream and Ascension II when Rahne and Jubes were both taken home by their parents? Well, on your birthday we flew in your family 'cuz we couldn't get Rahne for some reason, Kitty made a ton of cakes and went overboard with the sugar, I dared Bobby to eat all said cakes, he got on a sugar high and almost gave Robbie a heart attack by somehow accessing his old messages on speakerphone on his cell – something about Juliana coming back from the dead – and then he kissed Sue-Anne, except he was so hungover from the sugar OD that he couldn't remember which Guthrie he kissed, and then you found out, and you beat the crap outta him, remember?"
"Oh, yeah," Sam said. "That was fun."
"Well, on Bobby's birthday," Ray continued, "Sue-Anne was still mad at Bobby about the whole thing – don't ask me how she knew when his birthday was, did you tell her? – so as a weird gag gift, she sent him a fairy tale book along with a note saying that he's a really enthusiastic kisser when he's high on…sugar…Jubes's right behind me, isn't she?" he asked.
"Yeah," Forge said.
"…I still have dibs on Bobby's stereo, Jamie!" Ray yelled.
"Curses!" Jamie said. (2)
"Well," Sam said, getting up (yes, he hadn't gotten up from where he had fallen over until now) and looking out the window, "There's tha princess. So where's tha-" He turned around. "Oh. Ah forgot Forge nevah changed yah back."
Jubes grinned eeeeevilly at Bobby, showing nice sharp teeth. "Jubes, it was just a kiss!" Bobby said. "I was high off sugar! I ate Kitty's cakes, for crying out loud!"
Jubes considered this for a moment.
Then she breathed fireworks at him.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Bobby yelled, running for his life.
Sam rolled his eyes and grabbed Jubes's tail. Unsurprisingly, Jubes swung her tail around and around until he flew off…and Cannonballed right through the roof of Rahne's room.
Bobby ran out onto a bridge thingie…until Jubes's tail swatted it and broke off a chunk of it. Bobby turned around to go the other way, but the same thing happened. "Oh, shit," Bobby said as Jubes towered over him, roaring.
Jubes bent down so she was eye-level with Bobby. Well, her eye was the size of Bobby's head, so…yeah, I think it's safe to say that that's worse than her towering over him. "Enthusiastic kisser, huh?" Jubes said.
"Well, that's what Sue-Anne said," Bobby said desperately. "I'm sure she was over exaggerating!"
"Nope!" Tabby said. "I have pictures!" (3)
Jubes glared at Bobby, who cowered. "I'll show you enthusiastic!" Jubes said.
"…Should I be turned on by this, or scared shitless?" Bobby said. Jubes rolled her eyes and picked him up by the tail. "Yep, scared shitless!" Bobby said as she walked off to do…who knows what to him. Tabby grabbed onto Jubes's tail, for sheer sake of tagging along and taking pictures.
(1) – If I had half a dime for every time I made a ref to anything of Toddfan's…I'd also have quite a few half dimes. Now, if you haven't already, go read her ficcie Nametags Are Required. Funny ficcie loosely based on a Friends episode (TOW Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister). READ IT! NOW!
(2) – My friend always says "Curses!" when something goes wrong. It's so funny how she says it. Oh yeah, and she also says "Word" when she agrees to something. She used to say "Agreed", but I said it sounded funny how she said it, so she started saying "Word." Oh, and the stereo dibs thing is also from Nametags Are Required.
(3) – I will probably be using this every time something even the tiniest bit embarrassing or blackmail-worthy happens to someone. And yes, Tabby will always be the one taking the pics, because if anything ever happened to Tabby, 1) she'd drag someone into it with her, and 2) she wouldn't be afraid of telling anyone.
Why did I break this chappie up even though you can click right on to the next one? Because I didn't want it to be too long, and some people don't go for a break until they get to the end of a chappie. What? It's just me? Oh well. Onward!
