Disclaimer: Do not own anything, owe J.K.Rowling to characters, Helen Fielding to Bridget Jones speech

Chapter 4

June 19, 1995

129lbs (yes!), hair colour Black, no. of times stumbled 13 (devastating), no. of times ran into door 3 (catastrophic), no. of times coaxed self not to transform 33 (v.bad), chocolate frog units 9 (bugger, understandable given situation)

11:30am

Have sudden realization, what if am male and do not know it since am metamorphmagus? Surely this cannot be possible, since a) Mum never told me anything of this, b) have never read anything about it in books, and c) always assume natural form when am totally relaxed… and seen self totally relaxed… which is quite… unrelaxing…

Great hoofs of hippogriffs! What if am man?!

11:35am

Cannot possibly be man, can I?

11:40am

Really need to consult someone with this. Argh, no one bloody home except for Sirius. He would unquestionably reassure that am indeed a man as he quite enjoys messing with my mind.

Also not too sure if Sirius is in right state of mind, was babbling about knocking some sense into Dumbledore earlier on at breakfast.

Gah. Am so horrid. Here I am, worrying about own gender when Harry's life and thus entire wizarding (and muggle) race is about to be obliviated by evil malign tyrant (alias You-Know-Who)

11:45am

Oh god, oh god. This really bothering me. Am not man. Am poised woman. Am poised woman. Am poised man. Am poised –Merlin's Beard, just called self poised man.

Surely is inner-self sending subliminal messages? Perhaps have (self?) seeing powers as well as metamorphing ability? Gaah. Truly flattering self.

11:50am

Am not man. Am not man.

11:52am

Not. Not. Nope.

11:53am

Nope.

11:55am

Still not.

11:56am

Oh my god.

Am man.

11:57am

Cannot take this anymore. Gaahh. Am braindead. Will go eat chocolate frogs. Surely inner-self will reveal true gender while busy self with task of eating chocolate?

Ah yes, good plan.

12:00pm

Why is nobody bloody here?

12:30pm

Cannot take this anymore. Will go downstairs to look for some butterbeer. Perhaps will ease pain of discovering true self of being man. Wonder if others are aware?

12:55pm

Could only find a little bit. Mmm…

GAH!

DO NOT WANT TO BE MAN!

Wonder if should… should… attempt to grow a... oh god… wand? Not wooden wand. Er, flesh wand. Oh god cannot speak of this anymore. Also too terrified of results if actually did… oh god oh god.

Doorbell rang. Wonder who is it?

Maybe Remmy! Ugh… have gone mad. Must control speech of odd self. Remmy? Bah.

Sigh.

Not man…

1:04pm, downstairs

Gah. Was actually Snape, standing all evil and malevolent in corner that mistook him for Deatheater (rather ironical, really, seeing as he is one, or was), creature of dark, etc, and accidentally set 'incendio' spell toward his direction and his robe sleeve roared with fire. Was quickly extinguished by himself, of course, and was so scared said nothing until he started screaming.

"WELL? EXPLAIN YOURSELF, GIRL!"

Heard door open and close but was too scared to call for help. Really thought Snape would hex me until dropped dead on spot right there.

"Gah! Professor Snape, I'm so sorry, Sir. I didn't see –I didn't know it was you!" I stuttered. Feared him so much started calling him "Professor" and 'Sir."

"You are possibly the clumsiest wizard ever to walk upon this earth, hands down," Snape hissed coarsely, rubbing his arm where had accidentally set his robe on fire.

What's that? Hands down? Surely is not physical?

And did in fact notice rather subtle hint that he too thought am man, notice "wizard" not "witch".

"I-" I began to say.

"What is the problem here, Severus?" A calm voice resonated. Was divine intervention, was absolute miracle! Was Remus. Huge sigh of relief. Will live to know true gender.

"Little miss Tart here had just decided to roast my limb off," he narrowed his eyes.

"Now, now," Remus said, "Just a little misunderstanding. Now if you don't mind, I must talk to Miss Nymphadora about a mission Professor Dumbledore has assigned us."

Snape stood there struggling for words, gave me final glare then hurled a bottle at Remus before striding out.

Gawked at Remus for a few seconds before saying, "Thanks."

"Ah, not a problem." He began to move toward the staircase.

"Wait!" I cried, not sure why had done that.

"Yes, Miss Nymphadora?"

"It's Tonks."

"Ah, I apologize. Miss Tonks."

"No. Just Tonks!" How many times must correct this man? Oh god, oh god. Maybe is mocking me? He knows that am man and calls me "miss" deliberately to 1) make me feel better or 2) make me feel like completely idiot?

He smiled, "Anyway. Yes?"

"You said something about a mission?"

"Ah, yes. Give me a minute here. I'm afraid I got rather sooty and filthy from my previous work today. I'll meet you down here in a little while, excuse me." Did notice that his robes were torn at the shoulders…

Hmm… must not picture Remus taking shower.

Bad Tonks. Bad. V. bad. Naughty Tonks.

1:10pm

Maybe can talk to Remus about current dilemma? Surely he would understand?

1:15pm

Why is he not done yet?

1:20pm

Will finish bottle of butterbeer while waiting.

1:40pm

What's bloody taking him so long?

Maybe is man thing to take long showers.

2:05pm

Gaaah. Do not want to be man.

Cannot cope. Will go see if Remus needs his robes repaired while he takes shower.

2:07pm

No one answering door. Is slightly ajar… well, actually did 'alohamora', but was accident! Really!

Okay am terrible liar.

2:08pm

Still standing outside Lupin's door. Wonder if should knock? Yes, would be right thing to do.

2:10pm

Sod it. Am going in.

2:13pm

Hmm… everything not as orderly as previously imagined. Clothes strewn all over floor. Actually more like rags… mmm, note to self: buy Lupin some socks and trousers for Christmas.

Hey! Is bottle thingie again. Wonder what it is?

No, no. Musn't snoop around. Am here for business. Will sit down on bed and not look at anything but the door.

2:15pm

Is rather long shower…

2:17pm

Wonder what's going on in there?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

4:00pm

Was bloody Lupin, suddenly hovering over self. Was so startled fired another 'incendio' spell at him. Hit him squarely on bare chest (seem to have habit of doing things to his chest), as had just stepped out of shower. Gah. Snape right. Am stupidest wizard/witch ever graced upon… upon… universe.

Anyway, saw was Remus, who cursed in about 9 languages as he extinguished flame. Remus stood there, standing with one hand protectively covering chest, incredulous look on face. Oh god. Was all own fault. Had mental breakdown, then. In odd blather told him about suspecting self of being man, Snape's venom, how bloody clumsy am all the time. Half expected him to 'incendio' me right out his door for blasting fire on his chest while in his room without permission. Realized truly great man Remus was.

Of course while rambling, 'accio'ed bandages, medicine, etc. Forced him to sit down on bed and kneeled down in front of him, for medical reasons, not… ugh. Anyway. Was applying some medicine for second-degree-burn, apologizing, nearly in tears, when he gently tilted head up, bent down, and kissed me. Felt lips moving against me before actually hearing him say, "Nymphadora?" More snogging, and nearly ate each other's noses.

"Tonks," I mumbled clumsily, "It's Tonks." He murmured something could not tell as was greatly distracted by pressure of lips. "Mmmm….Yes?" I said between gasps. Seemed as if took him forever to answer.

Felt the corners of his lips curl up slightly as he pulled me closer with a small kiss, "You're not a man."

Hurrah!

A/N: Is hard to describe Tonks/Remus scenes very… hmm... eloquently as I'm using Bridget-esque dialogue. Har har, you can let your own mind envision… things… hehe. Anyways, if any of you have any suggestions as what should happen next, please, by all means send your ideas forth! Either leave a review or email me savvytrufflehotmail.com

THANK YOU ALL REVIEWERS! Read and loved all your reviews. Really keeps me going… -cough cough, hint hint-

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