..: Stagefright :..
Don't hurt me! I know, I said this would be up yesterday, but I had cheer practice and it was EXHAUSTING! My arms are still über sore from all the weight lifting. Anywayz, here are the next three chappies! I've already finished the ficcie, I'm just putting them up three chappies at a time! Thanks to psychobunny410, Cat2fat900, toddfan, and EE's Skysong for reviewing! CF, Sammy-boy needed a helmet cuz…it's important Rahne doesn't find out he's an ogre till later! Yeah. Lame excuse, I know. Oh well! And Tuck's a FRIAR! He can do whatever he wants, DAMNIT! And yes, that was Alex singing. Scary, no? Skysong, because I am too lazy to email you…with the whole lyrics thing, I'm just pressing my luck. I still find it weird that FF took down CK while it left all of my other parodies (which all have song lyrics in them) alone! Plus, I put up RS after CK! So I'm gonna keep the song lyrics (except for CK, cuz that one got taken down), and if it gets taken down, then I edit! Hahahaha! And yes, I do know how much there is between Simba's song and Scar's. There's even more between Hakuna Matata and Can You Feel the Love Tonight (which I SO call dibs on! Because you'll obviously get to do Hakuna Matata. Speaking of which…eh, I have to check the movie for that, actually. I'll just ask you when it's my turn again. And a TON of my movies are in San Jose with my mom and her fiancé and his brother's kids! Cuz they're all 12 and under and my mom asked me to lend some of my DVDs for the weekend cuz her fiancé has only Sci-Fi/too violent movies. Yeah.
DISCLAIMER: "You must take your place in the Great Circle of…stuff."
Rahne slid down the ridge gracefully on her feet. "Ye did it!" she exclaimed. "Ye rescued me! Ye're amazing!" Bobby tumbled down the ridge, hit a rock, and did a double flip, landing in a crumpled pile at the bottom. "Ye're wonderful! Ye're-" She turned around in time to see Sam slide down on his back and crash into Bobby. "A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in ye debt."
Bobby cleared his throat.
Rahne turned around. "And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?" she said.
"I hope you heard that," Bobby said to Sam. "She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed!"
"The battle is won," Rahne said to Sam. "Ye may remove ye helmet, good Sir Knight."
"Uh…no," Sam said.
"Why nay?" Rahne asked.
"Ah…Ah have helmet hair," Sam said, pointing at his helmet.
"Please," Rahne said. "I woul'st look upon the face of my rescuer."
"Oh, no yah wouldn'…st," Sam said.
"But how will ye kiss me?" Rahne asked.
"What?" Sam had backed himself up against a rock. "That wasn' in tha job description," he said to Bobby.
"…Maybe it's a perk!" Bobby said.
"Nay, it's destiny," Rahne said. "Oh, ye gotta know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a Jubilation is rescued by a brave knight…and then they share true love's first kiss."
"With Sam?" Bobby said. "You think – wait. You think that Sam is your true love?"
"Well, yes," Rahne said.
Bobby and Sam looked at each other and burst out laughing. "You think – you think Sam's your true love!" Bobby gasped out between laughs.
"What's so funny?" Rahne demanded.
"Let's just say Ah'm not yoah type, okay?" Sam said.
"Of course ye are," Rahne said. "You're my rescuer. Now remove ye helmet."
"Look," Sam said. "Ah really doan think this is a good idea."
"Just take off the helmet," Rahne said.
"Ah'm not gonna," Sam said.
"Take it off," Rahne said.
"No!" Sam said.
"NOW!" Rahne yelled.
"Okay!" Sam said. "Easy. As yah command, Yoah Hahness." And he took off his helmet.
"Ye – ye're an ogre," Rahne said.
"Oh, yah were expectin' Prince Charmin'?" Sam said.
"Well, yes, actually," Rahne said.
"Sorry, not 'till tha sequel," Sam said.
Forge coughed, holding up his BLLT.
"Ah mean," Sam said. "Ah was sent ta rescue yah by Lord Pietro, okay? He's tha one who wants ta marry yah."
"Then why dinnae he come rescue me?" Rahne asked.
"Good question," Sam said. "Yah should ask him that when we get there."
"But I have to be rescued by my true love," Rahne said, "Nay by some ogre and his – his pet."
"Well, so much for noble steed," Bobby said.
"Princess," Sam said. "Yoah not makin' mah job any easier."
"Well, I'm sorry," Rahne said, "But ye job is nae my problem. Ye can tell Lord Pietro that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here." She sat down on a rock.
"Hey!" Sam said. "Ah'm no one's messenger boy, all right?" Sam said. "They always get killed. Ah'm a delivery boy."
Rahne's eyes narrowed. "Ye would nae dare."
Sam picked Rahne up and slung her over his shoulder, carrying her fireman-style. "Put me down!" Rahne shrieked.
"Ah really hate being this rude," Sam complained.
Forge coughed and…
"Ah know, Ah know!" Sam yelled. "Yah comin', Bobby?"
"Right behind ya," Bobby said.
Rahne pounded on Sam's back. "Put me down, or ye will suffer the consequences! This is nae dignified! Put me down!" She punched him in the head. It had no effect on him whatsoever.
HOWEVER LONG LATER…
Rahne had finally given up. Bobby was taking the opportunity to ask her for girl advice. "Okay, here's another question," he said. "Say there's a girl that likes you, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get beaten up by her brother?"
"Not gonna happen," Sam said. Rahne whispered something in his ear. "Gonna happen!" he said quickly.
Rahne grinned. "Ye just tell her she's nae ye true love," she said. "Everyone knowest what happens when ye find ye-" Sam jerked her. "Hey!" she yelled, then sighed. "The sooner we get to DuLoc, the better."
"You're gonna love it there, Princess," Bobby said. "It's beautiful!"
"And what about my groom-to-be?" Rahne asked. "What's he like?"
"Well," Bobby said, "He's tall, has blond hair, is a nice Southern boy, believes in a thing called chivalry, is currently green, you're hanging over his shoulder right now-"
"Ha-ha, very funny," Sam said. He dumped Rahne on the ground. "Sorry. Let meh put it this way, Princess." He walked over to a stream. "Men of Pietro's stature are in short supply."
"I don't know," Bobby said. "There are those who think little of him."
Sam washed his face off, and he and Bobby both laughed.
Rahne obviously didn't get the joke, but stuck up for Pietro for some reason. "Stop it," she said. "Stop it, both of ye. Ye're just jealous ye can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Pietro."
"Yeah, well, maybe yoah raht, Princess," Sam said. "But Ah'll let yah do tha 'measurin'' when yah see him tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Rahne said, looking at the setting sun. "It'll take that long? Should nae we stop to make camp?"
"No, that'll take longer," Sam said. "We can keep goin'."
"But there's robbers in the woods," Rahne said.
That caught Bobby's attention. "Time out! Camping's starting to sound good."
"Hey, come on," Sam said. "Ah'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest."
Rahne ran in front of them. "I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!" she yelled.
Wow, even all the birds flew away.
AT SOMEWHERE TO CAMP NOW…
Sam pushed over a boulder to reveal a sort of…cave-ish…thing. "Hey! Over here!" he said to Rahne.
"Sam, we can do better than that," Bobby said. "I don't think this's fit for a princess."
"Nay, it's perfect," Rahne said. "It just needs a few homey touches."
"Homey touches?" Sam repeated dubiously. "Lahke what?"
Rahne peeled a big strip of bark off a tree. "A door?" she said. "Well, gentlemen, I bit thee good night." She walked into the cave-ish…thing, shutting the "door" behind her.
"Do you want me to read you a bedtime story or something?" Bobby offered.
"I said goodnight!" Rahne yelled.
Sam started to push the boulder back in front of the opening. "Sam, what are you doing?" Bobby said.
Sam laughed. "Ah just – yah know – oh, come on! Ah was just kiddin'!"
LATER THAT NIGHT…
Bobby and Sam were looking at the stars.
"And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, tha only ogre ta ever spit ovah three wheat fields," Sam said, pointing at a constellation.
"Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?" Bobby asked.
"They doan tell tha future, Bobby," Sam said. "They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut tha Flatulent. Yah can guess what he's famous foah."
"I know you're making this up," Bobby said.
"No, look," Sam said, and pointed. "There he is, and there's tha group of hunters runnin' away from his stench."
Bobby, obviously, will never be an astrologer. Or astronomer. "That's nothing but a bunch of little dots," he said.
"Sometimes thangs are more than they appear," Sam said.
"Hey, what are we gonna do when we get our swamp, anyway?" Bobby asked.
"Our swamp?" Sam said.
"You know, when we're done rescuing the princess," Bobby said.
"We?" Sam said. "Bobby, there's no 'we.' There's not 'our.' There's just meh and mah swamp. Tha first thang Ah'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around mah land." And he turned over, his back to Bobby.
"You cut me deep, Sam," Bobby said. "You cut me real deep just now." He got up and walked over to the side Sam was facing. "You know what I think?" he said. "I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out."
"No, yah think?" Sam said, and flipped over.
"Are you hiding something?" Bobby asked.
"Never mind, Bobby," Sam said, rolling back onto his back.
"Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?" Bobby asked.
"No, this is one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone thangs," Sam said.
"Why don't you wanna talk about it?" Bobby asked.
"Whah do yah want ta talk 'bout it?" Sam said.
"Why are you blocking?" Bobby said.
"Ah'm not blockin'," Sam snapped.
"Yes, you are," Bobby said.
"Bobby, Ah'm warnin' yah," Sam said.
"Who are you trying to keep out?" Bobby said. "Just tell me that!"
"Everyone, okay?" Sam said.
"…Now we're getting somewhere," Bobby said happily.
"Oh, fo' tha love of Pete!" Sam yelled.
Behind them, Rahne opened her door and peeked out.
"What's your problem?" Bobby asked. "What d'you have against the whole world?"
"Ah'm not tha one with tha problem, okay?" Sam said, sitting down on the edge of a rock. "It's tha world that seems ta have a problem with meh. People take one look at meh and go, 'Aaah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!'" Sam sighed. "They judge meh befo' they even know meh. What's whah Ah'm better off alone."
Well, we could only really see Rahne's eye, but it looked pretty guilty. She closed the door.
Bobby walked up and sat down next to Sam. "You know what?" he said. "When we met, I didn't think you were just a big, stupid, ugly ogre."
"Yeah, Ah know," Sam said.
"So, uh, are there any Assicles up there?" Bobby asked.
"Well, there's Gabby," Sam said. "Tha small and annoyin'."
"Okay, I see it," Bobby said. "The big shiny one, right there?"
"That's tha moon," Sam said.
BACK IN DULOC…
Pietro was chilling in his bed. Gross, I don't think he's wearing anything under those zebra-print sheets…oh, and look at the Mama Jean throwrug on the floor. I like that throw rug. That is a nice throw rug.
"Okay, Pietro!" Tabby said cheerfully. "Time for you to step up and be the pervert you know you are!"
"You know," Lance said, "That's the perfect way to give him stagefright. Where's Forge, anyway?"
"He let me take over for this scene," Tabby said, still cheerful.
All this happiness was starting to scare Lance. "Why are you so happy?" he asked. Then he noticed that her hair was mussed and her shirt was inside out. "Never mind, I don't want to know." He ran off, hoping not to run into Ray.
"Okay, Take One!" Tabby said.
MMM restarted the music and the Fiona Theme Song replayed while he showed the picture of Rahne in a DID pose.
"Perfect," Pietro said, taking a drink from his martini.
"Take Two!"
Ditto.
"Takes Three Through Nineteen!"
Ditto.
"Um, I need a refill," Pietro said, waving around his empty martini.
Tabby stuck another one in his hand. "Hey, how far away is Badger?" she asked.
"Far Far Away Land," Rogue said, pulling up and hopping out of Lance's jeep.
"Why?" Tabby asked.
"Because that's where Ah put his entahre stash of beer," Rogue said.
"Excellent," Tabby said Montgomery Burns-esquely. She then whispered something in MMM's…well, the part of his frame that would've been his ear. "Take Twenty!"
The Fiona Theme Song started up again, only this time, MMM showed a picture of…
X23 in a black corset that showed off her belly button, skintight leather pants, and stilettos.
Pietro sat straight up, spilling his martini. "WOW!" he said.
Apparently, Pietro Jr. felt the same way.
"Cut!" Tabby said. "I know, I'm good," she said with a grin.
Yes, I know, it was short. But up next: Jean gets blown up, and we finally meet Remy Hood! And the best part is, you don't even have to wait! Click on!
