..: Ooh La La :..
DISCLAIMER: "I'll kill him. I'll kill him dead. Like with, with a, rock or something. Like a, like a stone."
The next morning, Rahne stepped out of her cave-ish…thing, saw Sam and Bobby still snoring their hearts out, and decided to take a nice stroll through the woods.
Then she saw Jean the Bird and decided to sing to her. "Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah ah-ah."
Jean decided that she was the best in everything, and tried to show her up. So she whistled. "Da-de-da, da-da da-da, de-da-da."
"Ah-ah-ah," Rahne sang.
"Da-de-da."
"Ah-ah-ah."
"Da-da-da."
"Ah-ah-ahhhhhhhhhh…"
"Da-de-da…"
They were getting higher and higher pitched.
"Ah-ah, ah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………………………………"
Rahne hit a pretty high note.
Jean hit the same note. Slight problem: she didn't have lungs! (1)
So she exploded.
Then Rahne saw the three eggs in Jean's nest.
A few minutes later, they were now eggs sunny-side up.
Sam yawned, got up, and saw Rahne cooking the eggs.
Bobby was still asleep.
And horny as ever.
"Mmmm, yeah, baby, you know I like it like that," he mumbled in his sleep. "Come on, baby, I said I like it."
Sam punched Bobby in the head. "Bobby, wake up!" he yelled.
"Mmm, feisty, are we?" Bobby mumbled, grinning in his sleep.
Rahne picked up a rock and threw it at Bobby, hitting him in the head.
Bobby woke up. "Huh? Oh, good morning, Princess!" he said cheerfully.
"What's all this about?" Sam asked, gesturing at the eggs.
Rahne picked up the rock the eggs were frying on with a leaf. "We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday," she said. "I wanted to make it up to ye. After all, ye did rescue me."
"Uh, thanks," Sam said as Rahne put the rock down in front of them.
"Well, eat up," Rahne said. "We've got a big day ahead of us."
Bobby and Sam exchanged is-she-for-real looks.
LATER…
Sam, Bobby, and Rahne were walking through the forest when Sam burped.
"Sam!" Bobby said.
"What?" Sam said. "It's a compliment. Better out than in, Ah always say," he added to Rahne.
"That's no way to behave in front of a princess," Bobby said.
Then Rahne burped. "Thank ye," she said.
Bobby and Sam both stopped walking, while Rahne kept going. "She's as nasty as you are," Bobby said.
Sam laughed. "Yah know," he said to Rahne. "Yoah not exactly what Ah expected."
"Well," Rahne said, "Maybe ye should nae judge people before ye get to know them." She started singing the Fiona Theme Song again.
"La liberte! Hey!" Remy yelled, swinging down on a vine and grabbing Rahne.
"Princess!" Sam yelled.
Remy swung up to a branch. "What are ye doin'?" Rahne demanded.
"Be still, cherie," Remy said, "Fo' I am y' savior! Et I am rescuin' y' from dis green-" He kissed her arm several times. "Beast."
Hank popped up. "Did someone call my name?" he asked.
"No," everyone said in unison.
"Oh, okay," Hank said, and popped back out.
"Hey!" Sam said, running up underneath the tree branch. "That's mah princess! Go fahnd yoah own!"
"Please, monster!" Remy said. "Can' y' see I'm un peu busy here?"
"Look, laddie," Rahne said. "I dunno who ye think ye are." She poked him in the chest for emphasis.
"Oh, of course!" Remy said. "Oh, how rude, oh la la. Please let me introduce myself. Oh Merry Men!" He laughed.
Friar Todd swung down on a swing, playing the accordion, while Petit Piotr (they're French for some odd reason, go with it), Kurt, Robbie, Ray, Lance, and Evan jumped out from behind cardboard bushes. Evan knocked over his bush while jumping out.
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo!
I steal from de rich
And give to de needy
Remy grabbed an apple from nowhere and tossed it to Bobby.
Takes a wee percentage, Ray sang.
But 'm not greedy
I rescue pretty damsels
Man, 'm good!
What a guy, Monsieur Hood!
Break it down
Petit Piotr, Robbie, Ray, Lance, and Evan Riverdanced while Remy did some fancystep dancing.
I like an honest fight
And a saucy little maid
What he's basically saying
Is he likes to get-
Paid
Soooooooo
When an ogre in de bush
Grabs a lady by de tush
Dat's bad
That's bad, Lance sang as he popped out from behind Remy.
That's bad, Ray sang.
That's bad, Piotr sang.
Remy and the Merry Men started walking toward Sam and Bobby, snapping their fingers.
When a beauty's with a beast
It makes m' awfully mad
He's mad
He's really, really mad
I will take m' blade
And ram it t'rough y' heart
Remy pulled out a dagger.
Keep y' eyes on m', hommes,
'Cause 'm about t' starrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-
Rahne kicked him in the head. He fell and hit his head against a rock.
"Hee-ya!" Rahne yelled, doing a flip through the air and landing between Sam and the Merry Men. "Man, that was annoying," she said.
"Oh, you little-" Evan said, shooting an arrow at her. Rahne and Bobby dodged, and it bounced off a tree and flew we'll-find-out-later-where.
Rahne did two front handsprings and punched Evan in the nose and solar plexus before finishing him off with a punch to the face. Lance ran up behind her, and she elbowed him in the solar plexus, punched him backwards in the nose, then spun around and took him out with a roundhouse kick. (2)
Ray and Petit Piotr ran at her from both sides. Rahne leaped up and there was a Matrix thing when it froze and spun around them. Rahne fixed a flyaway hair, the kicked them both in the nose.
"Hey," Bobby said, nudging Sam. "She's flexible." He nodded, doing the eyebrow thing (you know, when you raise your eyebrows twice).
"…Doan do that," Sam said.
"Okay," Bobby said.
Friar Todd finally got off his swing and ran after her. Rahne ran up a tree and flipped over it so that Friar Todd was between her and the tree. He held up the accordion in front of his face. She punched straight through the accordion and knocked him out.
Robbie came running at her. Rahne jumped up and did a spinning kick thing where she spun around and both her feet hit him before she landed. Sure, I suck at explaining action, but it looked cool.
Rahne looked around and realized that she had taken everyone out. She stepped on Petit Piotr and walked back to Sam and Bobby. Sam was holding Bobby, and both had WTF-just-happened looks on their faces. "Um, shall we?" she said, and walked off.
They kept staring at her with WTF-just-happened looks. "Hold tha phone," Sam said, dropping Bobby and walking after her. "OW!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Sam said, catching up. "Where did that come from?"
"What?" Rahne asked.
"That!" Sam said. "Back there. Tha was amazin'! Where did yah learn that?"
Rahne chuckled. "Well, when one lives alone, one has to learn these things in case there's a – there's an arrow in ye butt!" she shrieked, pointing.
"What?" Sam said, and looked down behind him. "…How did Ah not notice that?"
"Oh, nay," Rahne said. "This is all my fault. I'm so sorry!"
Sam touched the arrow. "Ow!"
Bobby finally walked up to them. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Sam's hurt," Rahne said.
"Sam's hurt," Bobby repeated. "Sam's hurt! Oh no, Sam's gonna die!"
"Bobby, Ah'm okay," Sam said.
Bobby ignored him. "You can't do this to me!" Bobby said. "I'm too young for you to die!"
"Yoah older than meh," Sam said.
"Still," Bobby said. "Keep your legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?"
"Bobby!" Rahne yelled, grabbing his ear. "Calm down, laddie. If ye wanna help Sam, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns."
"Blue flower, red thorns," Bobby said. "Okay, I'm on it! Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns." He turned around. "Don't die, Sam. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!"
"BOBBY!" Sam and Rahne yelled.
"Oh, right," Bobby said, and ran off. "Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns."
"What are tha flowers foah?" Sam asked.
"For getting rid of Bobby," Rahne said.
"Oh," Sam said.
"Now ye hold still, and I'll yank this thing out," Rahne said. She tugged on the arrow.
"Ow! Hey!" Sam said, jumping away. "Easy with tha yankin'."
"I'm sorry, but it has to come out," Rahne said, trying to grab the arrow again.
"No, it's tender," Sam said, moving away.
"Hold on!" Rahne said, running around to the other side.
Sam walked away. "What yoah doin' is tha opposite of help." He turned around just as Rahne was about to grab the arrow. "Look, tahme out." He held out his hand at arm's length, pushing Rahne back by her forehead. (3)
"Would ye just-" Rahne pulled Sam's hand off her forehead. "Okay. What do ye propose we do?"
WITH BOBBY…
"Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns," Bobby chanted as he walked into a grove full of blue flowers with red thorns. "This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns."
"OW!" Sam yelled, further off.
"Hold on, Sam, I'm coming!" Bobby yelled. He stared at the blue flower with red thorns right in front of him, thought 'What the heck', and grabbed them, running off.
BACK TO RAHM…
"Ow!" Sam yelled. "Not good."
Sam was currently lying on his stomach while Rahne slowly pulled the arrow out of his ass.
"Okay," Rahne said. "Okay, I can nearly see the head. It's just about-"
"Ow!" Sam yelled, flipping over onto his back (Maybe I'm new to this, but wouldn't that drive the arrow even deeper?). He also ended up accidentally flipping Rahne on top of him, so that they were in an…ahem…compromising position.
"Ahem," Bobby coughed with a very smug look on his face.
"Nothin' happened," Sam said, shoving Rahne off him and getting up. "We were just, uh-"
"Look, if you wanted to be alone," Bobby said, "All you had to do was ask, okay?"
"Oh, come on!" Sam said. "That's tha last thang on mah mahnd. The princess here was just – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Rahne had gotten up and was now waving the arrow in front of Sam. Sam stared at her with a what-did-you-just-do look on his face. "Owwwwwwwwwwwww!"
"Hey, what's that?" Bobby said. "Is that – Is that blood?" He fell over in a dead faint. Sam picked him up, and they walked off. John started singing.
My beloved monster and me
Sam jumped onto the top of a tree, making it bend over onto the other side of a riverbank.
We go everywhere together
Rahne walked on the trunk daintily, touching Sam on the shoulder as she got off.
Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves
Gets us through all kinds of weather
Sam got up, and the tree swung back. It swung Bobby (who had still been walking on it) quite a ways back, too.
She will always be the only thing
They were now walking through a meadow, and the bugs were bugging Sam. (Let us all flinch at that really bad and definitely unintentional pun. Read? Fliiiiiiiiinch)
Rahne grabbed a spiderweb that was strung between two branches, and ran all around Sam and Bobby, catching the flies.
That comes between me and the awful sting
That comes from living in a world
That's so damn mean
Rahne rolled up the branches so that the beg-filled spiderweb was now an ogre version of cotton candy. She gave it to Sam, who started eating it.
Forge poked his head in. "Please note that that isn't really a rolled up spiderweb, it's white cotton candy with bug-shaped fruit snacks. And kids, if you walk off with a spiderweb while the spider's still on it, chances are, it'll notice and attack you."
Sam pounced on a frog, blew it up, and tied it with a string. Aww, look, it's a balloon.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
He gave it to Rahne, who grabbed a snake, blew that up, and tied it into a snake!balloon!tiger.
They walked off with their balloons. Rahne pushed Sam playfully, and Sam pushed her back. "Hey!" Rahne shoved him, and Sam shoved her back – right into a bush.
Needless to say, he got going while the going was good.
La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la
La-la, la-la, la-la
(1) – Birds have these things called air sacs instead of lungs. It's so they can function with one-way breathing. That's how they fly. That's also how Warren defies the laws of blahblahblah, cuz we humans have two-way breathing.
(2) – I know, in Shrek, Fiona takes him out with her ponytail, but Rahne's hair isn't long enough. SING with me: Solar plexus, Instep, Nose, Groin!
(3) – I love doing that to my little cousins. You may say I'm mean, but I say: I'm twice as old as them, and they come up to my chest.
Do ya see an arrow? Then click it!
