..: Lost in Translation :..
Yeah, I haven't seen the movie Lost in Translation, but this seemed like a good title for the chappie, considering the whole princess/ugly thing.
DISCLAIMER: "Wow, you're like one giant brain…except you have legs, so you're not in a jar."
Sam, Bobby, and Rahne had finally reached DuLoc. "There it is, Princess," Sam said. "Yoah future awaits yah."
"That's DuLoc?" Rahne asked.
"Yeah, I know," Bobby said, pushing in between Sam and Rahne. "You know, Sam thinks Lord Pietro's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really – ow!"
Sam had punched him in the head. "Why do people keep doing that to me?" Bobby asked..
"Um, Ah, uh – Ah guess we better move on," Sam said.
"Uh, sure," Rahne said. "But, Sam?" Sam turned around. "I'm – I'm worried about Bobby."
"What?" Sam said.
"I mean, look at him," Rahne said. "He does nae look so good."
"What are you talking about?" Bobby said. "I'm fine."
"That's what they always say," Rahne said, "And the next thing ye know, ye're on ye back."
Bobby gave her a Huh? Look.
"Dead," Rahne finished.
"Yah know, she's raht," Sam said. "Yah look awful. Do yah wanna sit down?"
"I'll make ye some tea," Rahne said.
"Well, I didn't wanna say anything," Bobby said, "But I have this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look." There was a nasty bone-crunching noise.
"Who's hungry?" Sam said. "Ah'll find us some dinner."
"I'll get the firewood," Rahne said.
"Hey, where are you going?" Bobby asked as they both left. "Oh, man, I can't feel my toes!" Then he came to a realization: "I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug."
LATER…
Rahne was eating…some barbecued thing that looked a lot like a weedrat. "This is good," she said to Sam, who was cooking more on a spit hanging over the fire. "What is it?"
"Weedrat," Sam said. "Rotisserie stahle."
Forge popped his head in. "It's not really weedrat," he said, "Sabey kept stealing them from us. And no, kids, don't steal rats or mice out of mousetraps and fry them up. It's not healthy. Sam and Rahne are actually eating strawberry-flavored gummy rats."
Rahne glanced down at her gummy weedrat. "Ah. That explains why it's pink. Well, it's delicious," she said to Sam.
"They're also great in stews," Sam said. "Ah doan mean ta brag, but Ah make a mean weedrat stew."
CUE AWKWARD ROMANCE IN THREE…
Rahne laughed, then looked over at DuLoc and sighed. "I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night."
TWO…
"Maybe yah can come visit meh in tha swamp sometahme," Sam offered. "Ah'll cook all kinds of stuff foah yah."
ONE…
"I'd like that," Rahne said.
Remy started strumming an acoustic guitar and singing.
See de pyramids along de Nile
"Um, Princess?" Sam said.
Watch de sunrise from a tropical isle
"Yes, Sam?" Rahne asked.
"Ah, um, Ah was wonderin'," Sam said.
Just remember, ma chere, all de while
"Are yah-" Yes, Sam was having just a wee bit of trouble trying to say the right words.
Y' belong t' me
Sam sighed. "Are yah gonna eat that?"
Rahne was a little disappointed, but she took the gummy rat off her stick and held it out to Sam. He put his hand on top of hers, and they started leaning in…
And Bobby popped up in between them. "Man, isn't this romantic?" he said. "Just look at that sunset."
"Sunset?" Rahne repeated, jumping up. "Oh no! I mean, it's late. It's very late."
"Wait a minute," Bobby said. "I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?"
"Yes!" Rahne said, a little too enthusiastically. "Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. Ye know, I'd better go inside." She turned around and started walking to the house.
"Don't feel bad, Princess," Bobby said. "I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-" He stopped and had another epiphany. "Hey, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark!"
"Good night," Rahne said.
"Good naht," Sam said, albeit disappointedly.
Rahne walked inside and shut the door. "Ohhhhhh!" Bobby said. "Now I really see what's going on here!"
"What are yah talkin' 'bout?" Sam asked.
"I don't even wanna hear it," Bobby said. "Look, I'm an Assicle, and I have instincts. I know that you two were digging on each other. I could feel it!"
"Yoah crazy," Sam said. "Ah'm just bringin' her back ta Pietro."
Bobby scoffed. "Oh, come on, Sam. Wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go on in and tell her how you feel."
"There's nothang ta tell," Sam said. "Besahds, even if Ah did tell her that…well, you know – and Ah'm not sayin' Ah do, 'cause Ah doan – she's a princess, and Ah'm-" He turned away.
"An ogre?" Bobby supplied.
"Yeah," Sam said. "An ogre." He started walking off.
"Hey, where are you going?" Bobby asked.
"Ta get…mo' fahrewood," Sam said.
Bobby glanced at the pile of firewood next to him, then at Sam's retreating back, then back at the firewood. "Something's going on," he said, "I can just tell."
LATER…
"Okay, Rahne, your turn to get zapped!" Forge said. "…Rahne? Where'd she go?"
"Eh heh heh, funny story," John said.
"What happened?" Forge asked resignedly.
"Well…you know how Rahne's a really good tracker?" John said.
"She's called Wolfsbane for a reason," Forge said.
"Well, she found my Nerd Pit," John said.
Forge facepalmed.
"She only ate about a tenth of it," John said.
"And how big is the entire thing?" Forge asked.
"Let's put it this way," John said. "If you got to the bottom, you'd already be dead from lack of oxygen."
"Great," Forge said. "Where is she now?"
"Um, well, I managed to pull her out of the Nerd Pit," John said, "But then she went tearing off to places unknown."
"Oh, well," Bobby said. "We can't finish the parody without Rahne, now change me back!"
Of course, that was the cue for Rahne to come skimming in in her wolf form.
"Maybe she's calmed down," Forge said hopefully.
John clapped Forge on the back. "When will you learn, mate?" he asked.
Of course, John was right. Despite the fact that she was a wolf, Rahne was on an über sugar high.
Being on said sugar high, she pounced on and licked to death the nearest person.
Of course, said person was none other than Sam.
"Um…" Sam said. "This is awkward."
Forge aimed his RLLT at Rahne and shot it. However, since Rahne had heightened senses and all, she could hear it, and jumped out of the way just in time.
And, let's just say Sam looks pretty good as a green-skinned girl. Tabby popped up and took pictures.
"Please change meh back," Sam said.
"Sorry," Forge said, and changed Sam back.
A couple of feet away, Rahne barked at Forge, wagging her tail. "Ah think she thinks yoah just playin'," Sam said. "Or she just wants ta drahve yah up tha wall."
Rahne barked again.
"I'm guessing it's the latter," John said.
Forge rolled his eyes, held up the RLLT, and ran after Rahne.
And for absolutely no reason at all, the Japanese song from the Teen Titans ep with Mad Mod (the one in the Chase Scene with the escalator and the doors and the totally defying laws of physics) started up. (1)
For the next few minutes, Sam, John, and Bobby stood around watching Forge chase Rahne, fire off a shot, chase her some more, fire off another shot…you get the drill.
Well, up until the song ended. Rahne stopped, morphed back into herself, and turned around. Forge noticed this a wee bit late and ran right into her.
"Ah-ha!" he said, popping back up. "I have you now!" He shot the RLLT at her.
The end.
"…What just happened?" Rahne said.
"Is it broken?" John asked.
Forge shot it at him, and he turned into a green-skinned girl. "Nope," Forge said, and turned him back.
"Maybe it doesn't work on her 'cause she can turn into a wolf," Bobby suggested.
Forge shrugged. "So now what?"
Rahne got up. "How about I just go lupine?" she said.
Forge stared at her like she had just eaten about a tenth of John's Nerd Pit, torn off to places unknown, came back and tackle Sam, led Forge on a wild goose chase to a Japanese song used in a Teen Titans ep, and then suggested an idea that she had intended to suggest right from the start.
Oh wait, that's because she had.
"Why didn't you mention that before?" Forge demanded.
Rahne shrugged. "I…forgot?"
Forge rolled his eyes. "Just go," he said, pointing at the house thingie.
"Touchy," Rahne muttered, but went into the house.
"And…ACTION!"
Bobby cautiously opened the door to where Rahne was staying. "Princess?" he called. "Where are you?" There was a creaking noise. "It's spooky in here!" Bobby said. "I'm not playing!"
Then something fell through the floor above Bobby.
Bobby immediately freaked. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
? got up. "Nay, nay!" ? yelled. Although that should be a dead giveaway sign.
"Sam! Sam! Holy shiznit!" Bobby yelled. He was on the verge of hyperventilating again.
"Would ye just shut up?" ? said, and hit him with a hand…er…paw…er…thing.
That seemed to wake Bobby up. He squinted at ?. "Princess?"
"Nay, I'm the King of the Leprechauns."
"…Oh, I get it!" Bobby said. "You were being sarcastic!"
Rahne rolled her eyes. "Nay kidding, Sherlock."
"What happened to you?" Bobby asked. "You're, uh, different."
"I'm ugly, okay?" Rahne said.
"No," Bobby said. "Just…freaky-looking. Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Sam those gummy rats were a bad idea."
"Nay," Rahne said. "I've been this way as long as I can remember."
"Whaddya mean?" Bobby said. "I've never seen you like this before. Except when Mr. McCoy took us on that field trip to the California redwoods and we scared off those fat hunters. And that one Halloween when we turned the Institute into a haunted house. And the time you got REALLY ticked off at Evan. And the-"
"Okay, okay!" Rahne said. "It only happens when the sun goes down."
"No, it doesn't," Bobby said.
"In the movie, it does!" Rahne said. "'By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form.'"
"Aw, that's beautiful," Bobby said. "I didn't know you wrote poetry."
"It's a spell," Rahne said. "When I was a wee lass, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast!"
"That's not true," Bobby said. "For one, only Beast can be a beast. I mean, come on, it's right in his name. B, you're not horrible. Unless someone gets you really mad, or someone messes with your friends. Et troisieme, that's not ugly. It's fear-inspiring, but not ugly. Evan all über-Evolutionized (A/N: Once again, let us flinch in the presence of a truly stupid and unintentional pun: FLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINCH!), though, THAT is ugly."
Rahne shuddered. "Tell me about it." She went on with the sob story. "I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me." She sat down on a table. "That's why I have to marry Lord Pietro tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me like this."
"All right, all right, calm down," Bobby said. He hopped up and sat down next to her. "But you only look like this at night. Sam's ugly 24/7."
"Aw, thanks!" Sam yelled sarcastically.
"Shut up, you get muscles!" Bobby yelled back.
"But Bobby," Rahne said, "I'm a princess, and this is nae how a princess is meant to look!"
"…How about if you don't marry Pietro?" Bobby suggested.
"I have to," Rahne said. "Only true love's kiss can break the spell."
"And you think Pietro's your true love," Bobby said, completely deadpan. "But you know, you're kind of an ogre."
"Nay, nay really," Rahne said.
"Well, okay," Bobby agreed.
Forge popped his head in. "To keep things from getting even more confusing, let's say that Rahne's lupine form is a female version of an ogre. Okay? Bueno!" And he popped his head back out.
Bobby continued. "And, well, Sam – well, you two have a lot in common."
"Sam?" Rahne said.
BACK OUTSIDE…
Sam had finally gotten off his ass and was walking up to the house with a sunflower in his hand. Everybody with me, now: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
He was practicing what to say to Rahne. "Princess, Ah – um, how's it goin', first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. Ah'm okay. Uh, Ah saw this flower and thought of yah 'cause it's pretty and – well, Ah doan really lahke it, but Ah thought yah maht lahke it 'cause yoah pretty. But Ah lahke yah anyway. I'd – uh, uh-" He sighed. "Ah'm in trouble."
"No kidding, Casanova," Forge said.
Sam glared at him, then walked up to the house. "Okay, here we go." He walked up to the house.
Now, when you hear this next bit of convo, you have to listen to it from Rahne and Bobby's sob-story-etc POV, and from Sam's clueless-in-love POV.
"I cannae just marry whoever I want," Rahne was saying. "Take a good look at me, Bobby. I mean, really. Who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?"
"Do I have to go through the whole 'Beast' and 'ugly' thing again?" Bobby said irritably.
Rahne ignored him and continued. "'Princess' and 'ugly' do nae go together," she said.
"Yeah, well, you weren't there when Amara dyed her hair neon purple with green, blue, pink, and orange highlights," Bobby said. "That was not pretty."
"That actually makes me glad I dinnae see that," Rahne said. "Anyway, that's why I cannae stay here with Sam. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love."
"Do I have to go through the 'true love' and 'Pietro' thing again?" Bobby said.
Rahne continued. "Do ye nae see, Bobby?" she said. "That's just how it has to be."
At this point, Sam had heard enough. Figuratively speaking, Rahne had just yanked his heart out, taken one of those big mallets from cartoons and smashed it up, ran over the pieces with a steamroller, taken a flamethrower and incinerated them, and then dumped the ashes in a puddle of Kurt's special stink bomb. He threw down the sunflower and ran away.
"Dude, suck it up!" Robbie said, fanning at his eyes.
"Ah just have somethang in mah eyes," Sam said as he wiped at them.
"Sure, Sam," Robbie said.
A loud crunching noise interrupted them. Sam and Robbie turned to see Ray biting into an onion.
"Why are you eating an onion?" Robbie demanded.
Ray stopped eating the onion and stared at it. "You mean, this isn't an apple covered in gelatin?" (2) he said.
"No," Sam said.
"HOLY CRAP!" Ray yelled, throwing it as far away from him as he could.
Anyway, back to Rahne and Bobby. "It's the only way to break the spell," Rahne finished.
Yeah. Sam kinda missed that part.
"You at least gotta tell Sam the truth," Bobby said, hopping off the table.
"Nay!" Rahne said. "Ye cannae breathe a word. No one must ever know."
"Breathe a word?" Bobby said. "And what's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?"
"Promise ye will nae tell," Rahne said. "Promise!"
"All right, all right, I won't tell him!" Bobby said. "But you should." He walked out the door. "I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitching!"
Rahne poked her head out and made sure Bobby wasn't going off to tell Sam. He wasn't, of course. He was busy eating apples covered in gelatin. Rahne looked down and saw the sunflower. She picked it up and took it back inside with her.
(1) – That's my favvie part in the ep! I love the song, too. I wish I knew what it was called.
(2) – Have you seen the movie Holes? Yeah, well, the onions that Stanley and Zero were eating while up on Thumb Mountain (or something like that) were apples covered in gelatin. Oh, and I'm thinking about parodying that, and making it a tragic STORGE. BTW, who should be Stanley? And Zero? And all them D-Tent boys? LoLz. I obviously haven't thought this one through much yet.
That's all for today! Tomorrow, the last, final chappies!
