..: It's a Cold and Broken Hallelujah :..

I'm back! With the final chappies! Thanks to toddfan, Sangofanatic, psychobunny410, and EE's Skysong for reviewing! Toddfan, I actually wouldn't know about the weird bird-lung thing if it wasn't for my Bio teacher (she rocketh). The whole 3-chambered heart in froggies and stuff still confuses me…yesh, I am plotting a tragic STORGE. I like the movie. Have you read the book (by Louis Sachar)? Even better than the movie (but then again, all books are better than their movies. But if I do parody Holes, then Forge has to get shot in the head. Most likely by Scott. Oh, and Forge will have an obsession with onions, and 'Ro'll go on a mad robbing spree. Cool, no? And Forge gets a DONKEY! Psychobunny410, I'm not sure what's next for Jean. Well, I know that she gets slimed by Toad in X-Men: The Movie (my next project), but other than that, the possibilities are endless! Yep, I LUVERZ Teen Titans! Especially the Titanimal eppie. And the one where Starfire's engaged…but mainly only because of Robin's reactions. "You're getting MARRIED?" Yeah we're still gonna do Interview with the Vampire! Unless you're backing out…you're not, are you? You pick Louis, I pick Lestat, you pick Claudia, I pick Armand, you pick Santiago, I pick Señor Dorky Interviewer (jk, I know his name's Daniel or something like that), you pick Denis, I pick Madeline…and I think that's all the important characters. If I've forgotten any, let me know! Oh, but we MUST have Jean as Widow St. Clair and Scott as her makeup addict lover. Simply a MUST. So let me know, okee? Skysong, I dunno about the weird star scenes. Maybe because the stars are so far away and have an ethereal, mystical feeling to them…or maybe because they're really easy to draw. (shrugs) Um, I don't know how XIETRO started. I don't think it was in either of the eppies (neither was RAHM or LORO or STORGE or JONDA, but that never stopped anyone), and eppie-wise, I don't think they've even met! (I'm not sure, my memory of Target X is sketchy at best and I missed X23) But I read untouchable hexing witch's ficcie Total Manipulation (good AU ficcie, I recommend it), and I was like, NICE! So I'm a fan of XIETRO and TABIETRO, both work for me. Libero! Libero libero libero! Or libera if you're a girl, I believe. Something like that. I'm learning French, not Italiano! Ah, waggling. A lot easier to say than "the eyebrow thing". Yesh, I do love puns. But some of them are so stupid, they just make me flinch. Okee, so the romance wasn't that awkward, but meh! Ah, yes, Eppie II. Well, Annie's…Annie. He's weird. Ya know, when I parody Eppie III, he has to kill YOUNGLINGS! YOUNGLINGS, I TELL YA! But maybe I'll just have them all be Mini-Evans and Mini-Scotts and Mini-Jeans. Okee, I feel better about it now! BTW, I have NO clue who's gonna be Annie and Padme and Obi-Wan and etc. Eh, I'll worry about that when you start Eppie IV. Do you know who's gonna be Luke and Leia and Han and Chewie? Cuz I don't wanna cast Annie with the same person you cast as Luke, ya know? I haven't seen any of those movies you called dibs on, so it's all good. And Forge spoke Spanish cuz I was watching Kim Possible at the time, and they were at Bueno Nacho. So yeah. Dude! Go read Holes! It's a good book, it explains the movie more. I have the movie on DVD, too. I think one of my aunts or uncles or cousins gave it to me for Christmas once. Anywayz, if you have it on DVD, you have to watch the movie with Cast Commentary! It's Shia, Khleo, Jake, and Max – Stanley, Hector, Alan, and Ricky – or Caveman, Zero, Squid, and Zigzag if you prefer. BTW, who should be Stanley? I'm putting Jamie as Zero (cuz he's small and cool and etc like that), and I've filled in the rest of D-Tent, but I'm not sure who Stanley should be. It can't be Robbie (Squid), Freddie (Armpit), Lance (X-Ray), Ray (Zigzag), Todd (Magnet), or Pietro (Twitch). I'm thinking of using Bobby…or maybe Alex for a change. (shrugs)

Jeez, that was long!

DISCLAIMER: "This is what you get for fing around with yakuzas! Go home to your mother!" (1)


Rahne was picking the petals off the sunflower one at a time. "I tell him. I tell him nae. I tell him. I tell him nae." She plucked off the last petal. "I tell him."

"Are you trying to tell me it took all night for you to do that?" Forge said.

Rahne ignored him and ran outside. "Sam!" she yelled. "Sam, there's something I want-" She stopped when she realized that Sam wasn't there.

And then the sun came up. Cue cheesy B-rated dramatic music! Rahne turned back into a human, and THEN Sam came walking up. In a very pissy mood.

"Sam!" Rahne ran down the stairs. Then she noticed Sam's pissy attitude. "Are ye all right?"

"Perfect!" Sam said. "Never been better."

"There's something I have to tell ye," Rahne said.

"Yah doan have ta tell meh anythang, Princess," Sam said. "Ah heard enough last naht."

"Ye heard what I said?" Rahne asked.

"Every word," Sam said, sitting down on the stairs.

"(cough)LIAR!(cough)" Ray coughed. "Sorry, I must be congested."

They both ignored him.

"I thought ye'd understand," Rahne said.

"Oh, Ah understand," Sam said. "Lahke yah said, 'Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?'"

Bobby popped up. "Do I have to go over the 'Beast' thing again?" he demanded.

"Shut up, ye supposed to be asleep," Rahne said.

"Touché," Bobby said, and fell over, snoring.

"I thought that would nae matter to ye," Rahne said to Sam.

"Yeah, well, it does," Sam snapped.

Rahne looked like she was about to cry.

Then a horse whinnied. "Raht on tahme," Sam said. "Princess, Ah brought yah a little somethang." They turned to see Pietro riding up on an ugly horse (coughSCOTTcough).

Bobby finally woke up. "What'd I miss?" he said. Then he almost got trampled by Scott – I mean, the horse. "Rude much?" Bobby muttered.

"Princess Rahne," Pietro said.

"As promised," Sam said. "Now hand it over."

"Very well, ogre," Pietro said as Evan gave Sam a scroll of paper. "The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind." He turned to Rahne. "Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Pietro."

"Lord Pietro?" Rahne said. "Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short…" Pietro snapped his fingers, and Evan lifted him out of the extended armor and set him on the ground. "…Farewell."

"That's so sweet," Pietro said. "You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings."

"Nay, ye right," Rahne said. "It does nae."

"Princess Rahne," Pietro said. "Beautiful, fair, flawless Rahne, I ask your hand in marriage." He took her hand and knelt. Of course, since he's so short, Rahne had to bend down quite a lot. Pietro kept his eyes determinedly set on Rahne's face, despite the fact that the Authoress is being sadistic and teasing him. (She's bending over…thinkabout Pietro for a minute…also think of the innuendos I've been doing. Get it?) "Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?"

Rahne looked up at Sam, who had been watching. Sam quickly looked back down at his deed. "Lord Pietro, I accept," she said. "Nothing would make-"

"Excellent!" Pietro interrupted her. "I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!"

"Nay!" Rahne said. "I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today…before the sun sets."

"Oh, anxious, are we?" Pietro said. "You're right. The sooner, the better." He snapped his fingers, and Evan put him back in the saddle. "There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Evan, round up some guests!"

Rahne hopped up sidesaddle behind Pietro. "Fare thee well, ogre," she called as they rode off. Sam started walking the other way.

Bobby ran after him. "Sam, what're you doing? You're letting her get away."

"Yeah? So what?" Sam said.

"Sam, there's something about her you don't know," Bobby said. "Look, I talked to her last night. She's-"

"Ah know yah talked ta her last naht," Sam said. "Yoah great pals, aren't yah? Now if y'all are such good friends, why doan yah follow her home?"

"But I wanna go with you," Bobby said. "…Did that sound gay?" (2)

"Ah live alone!" Sam yelled. "Mah swamp! Meh! Nobody else, understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking Assicles!"

"But I thought-" Bobby began.

"Yeah, yah know what?" Sam interrupted him. "Yah thought wrong!"

Piotr started playing a piano and singing.

I heard there was a secret chord

Sam got back to his swamp and saw the abandoned tents and put-out fires, etc.

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

Sam looked up at the mirror that he had broken while brushing his teeth, then down at the shards that were still lying on the ground.

The baffled king composing hallelujah

The shards changed into mirrors hanging from a chandelier in Pietro's castle. Below the chandelier, Rahne was standing in her wedding dress, looking pretty unhappy.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

She looked out the window…and the scene shifted to Sam looking out his own.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Sam turned and righted a chair that had fallen on the floor, then saw the dried sunflowers that had fallen out of their vase.

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room, I walked this floor

Sam picked up a sunflower, looked at it, then threw it into the fire.

I used to live alone before I knew you

The fire turned into the one in Rahne's room.

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

Rahne put the veil over her face, still looking sad. Her reflection in the mirror turned into Pietro's reflection in MMM.

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Pietro admired himself in the mirror. Freddie gave him a thumbs up, and MMM grinned.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Rahne looked at the figures of her and Pietro on the wedding cake. After a moment, she shoved Pietro's figure down to his real height.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

She turned around to see a suit of armor behind her. The armor changed into Sam, looking beyond depressed in his house. He sighed and leaned back against his table as he stared at the fire.

And all I ever learned from love

Bobby was drinking from a stream when he heard a whimpering noise. He looked over and saw…Jubes! She had finally managed to get out of the castle, and was currently crying over – you guessed it – Bobby. Sure, Alex was standing right next to her and eating onions like there was no tomorrow, but it's the thought that counts, right? Right?

Is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

Bobby dropped his head, then took a deep breath and walked over to Jubes.

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah

Sam was eating – well, more like picking at – his dinner, sitting at the end of his table.

Hallelujah

The scene changed to Rahne eating – well, more like picking at – her dinner, sitting at the other end of a table.

Hallelujah

She gave up, threw her spoon down, and buried her face in her hands, crying.

Hallelujah

The scene changed back to Sam at his end of the table, who was doing the exact same thing.

Then there was a thumping noise. Sam ran outside to see what it was. "Bobby?" he said as he saw Bobby pushing a log on top of a rock. "What are yah doin'?"

"I would think, of all, people, you would recognize a wall when you see one," Bobby said.

"Well, yeah," Sam said, "But tha wall's supposed ta go around mah swamp, not through it."

"It's around your half," Bobby said. "See, that's your half, and this is my half."

"Yoah half?" Sam demanded.

"Yes, my half," Bobby said. "I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work, I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head."

They both turned and looked at Robbie, who had just finished carving a big old rock into the shape of Sam's head. "What?" Robbie said. "I was bored!"

Bobby and Sam blinked very slowly. Then Sam grabbed a stick and shoved it against Bobby's forehead. "Back off!" he yelled.

"No, you back off!" Bobby yelled back.

"This is my swamp!" Sam yelled, shoving against the stick.

"Our swamp!" Bobby yelled, shoving back.

"Let go, Bobby!"

"You let go!"

"Stubborn Assicle!"

"Smelly ogre!"

"Fahne!" Sam dropped the stick, and Bobby fell forward onto his face.

Bobby jumped back up as Sam started walking away. "Hey, come back here! I'm not through with you!"

"Well, Ah'm through with yah!" Sam yelled.

"Uh-uh," Bobby said. "You know, with you it's always, 'Me, me, me!' Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, and you don't appreciate anything that I do!" Sam walked up to the outhouse. Bobby followed, still yelling. "You're always pushing me around or pushing me away!"

Sam whirled around. "Oh yeah? Well, if Ah treated yah so bad, how come yah came back?"

"Because that's what friends do!" Bobby yelled. "They forgive each other!"

"Oh, yeah," Sam said. "Yoah raht, Bobby. Ah fohgive yah…foah stabbin' meh in tha back!" He went into the outhouse, slamming the door behind him.

"Ohhhhhhh!" Bobby yelled, getting pretty P.O.'d. "You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings."

"GO AWAY!"

"There you are, doing it again just like you did to Rahne," Bobby said. "All she ever did was like you, maybe even love you."

"Love meh?" Sam demanded. "She said Ah was ugly, a hideous creature. Ah heard tha two of yah talkin'."

"She wasn't talking about you," Bobby said. "She was talking about…uh, somebody else."

Sam came out of the outhouse. "She wasn' talkin' 'bout meh?" he said. "Well, then, who was she talking about?"

"Nope, no way," Bobby said. "I'm not saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me, right? Right?"

"Bobby," Sam said irritably.

"No!" Bobby said.

"Okay, look," Sam said. "Ah'm sorry, all raht?"

Bobby scoffed at him and turned away.

Sam sighed. "Ah'm sorry. Ah guess Ah am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can yah fohgive meh?"

Bobby grinned and turned back around. "Hey, that's what friends are for, right?"

"Raht," Sam said. "Friends?" He held out his hand.

Bobby shook it. "Friends."

"So, uh, what did Rahne say about meh?" Sam asked.

"What are you asking me for?" Bobby said. "Why don't you just go ask her?"

Sam hit himself on the forehead very D'oh!-esquely. "Tha weddang! We'll never make it in tahm."

Bobby laughed. "Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way." He whistled, and Jubes came flying down.

"Bobby?" Sam said.

Bobby laughed again. "I guess it's just my animal magnetism," he said.

"Aw, come here, yah," Sam said, giving Bobby a noogie.

"All right, all right, don't get all slobbery," Bobby said. "No one likes a kiss Assicle." Sam climbed up the chain onto Jubes's neck while Jubes lifted Bobby up. "I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet." And Jubes flew off.


(1) – My favvie part in Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2. Absolutely favvie part. I think I'll parody those sometime. With X23 as The Bride and Pietro as Bill.

(2) – I saw a little Anne Heche there, too. I'm still not 100 percent sure about what person I want for Dizzy/Gil (The New Guy). I'm leaning towards Bobby, but I'm also open to ideas!

Click on to the next-to-last chappie!