..: Kiss an Ogre if You Believe :..

DISLAIMER: "We purposely trained him wrong…as a joke."


The bells in the church were tolling, and all the people were going "Ooh" and "Ahh" and etc in reverence.

"People of DuLoc," Magsy began. Lance changed the card in his hand from "Reverence" to "Revered Silence." "We gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new king-"

"Um, excuse me," Rahne interrupted. "Could we just skip ahead to the I Do's?"

Pietro laughed. "Go on," he said to Magsy, flapping his hand.

"Don't you flap your hand at me, boy," Magsy said.

OUTSIDE…

Several knights were standing guard. However, said knights scattered like ants when Jubes landed. Bobby and Sam jumped off, and Jubes looked back at the knights the way a cat does at an escaping mouse. "Go ahead, have some fun," Bobby said. "If we need you, I'll whistle, okay?"

Jubes folded her arms. "I am not a dog!" she said.

"Yeah, but whistling is a lot easier than yelling 'Jubes' at the top of your lungs," Bobby pointed out.

"Touché," Jubes said, and ran off.

Sam marched up to the church doors, but Bobby ran in front of him and stopped him. "Wait! You wanna do this right, don't you?"

"What are yah talkin' 'bout?" Sam demanded.

"There's a line you gotta wait for," Bobby said. "Magsy's gonna say, 'Speak now or forever hold your peace.' That's when you say, 'I object!'"

"Ah doan have tahme foah this!" Sam said.

"Hey, listen to me!" Bobby said. "Look, you love this woman, don't you?"

"Yes," Sam said.

"You wanna hold her?"

"Yes."

"Please her?"

"Yes!" Sam yelled, starting to get more than a little irritated.

"Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness!" Bobby sang. "The chicks love that romantic crap!"

"All raht! Cut it out!" Sam said. "When does Magsy say tha lahne?"

Bobby opened his mouth, then closed it. "We gotta check it out."

"And so, by the power vested in me," Magsy said inside the church. Bobby flew by a window near the door.

"What do yah see?" Sam asked as he tossed Bobby back up.

"The whole town's in there!" Bobby said. Sam tossed him up again. "They're at the altar!" Sam tossed him again, and Bobby realized something. "Mother Fletcher, he already said it!"

"Oh, foah tha love of Pete!" Sam yelled, running inside. Bobby landed on the ground with a thud behind in.

The doors to the church burst open just as Rahne and Pietro were about to kiss, and Sam ran in. "Ah object!" he yelled.

"Sam?" Rahne gasped. Magsy closed his book and stomped off.

"Oh, now what does he want?" Pietro said.

Sam ran up the aisle, causing a sort of ripple effect through everyone in the pews. "Hi, everyone," Sam said. "Havin' a good tahme, are y'all? Ah love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean."

"What are ye doing here?" Rahne said.

"Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you," Pietro said, "But showing up uninvited to a wedding-"

Sam cut him off. "Rahne!" he said. "Ah need ta talk to yah."

"Oh, now ye wanna talk?" Rahne said. "Well, it's a little late for that, so if ye excuse me-" She bent down to kiss Pietro.

Sam grabbed her arm. "But yah can' marry him," he said.

"And why not?" Rahne demanded.

"Because – because he's just marrying you so he can be kang," Sam said.

"Outrageous!" Pietro said. "Rahne, don't listen to him."

"He's not yoah true love," Sam said.

"And what do ye know about true love?" Rahne said.

"Well – Ah – uh – Ah mean-" Sam stuttered.

"Oh, this is precious," Pietro said, laughing. "The ogre has fallen in love with the princess!"

Lance changed his sign to "Laugh", and everyone did.

"An ogre and a princess!" Pietro gasped, still laughing his head off.

"Sam, is this true?" Rahne asked.

"Who cares? It's preposterous!" Pietro said. He grabbed Rahne's hand. "Rahne, we're but a kiss away from our 'happily ever after.' Now kiss me!" He puckered his lips.

Rahne looked out the window at the setting sun. "'By night one way, by day another.' I wanted to show ye before," she said to Sam, backing up into full view of the sun – or rather, lack of sun. And she went lupine.

Sam was pretty shocked. "Well, uh…that explains a lot," he said.

"Ew! It's disgusting!" Pietro yelled. "Guards! Guards!" Evan dupes came running in. "I order you to get that out of my sight right now! Get them!"

The Evans grabbed Sam and Rahne (although I still don't get why Rahne couldn't have busted out some kung-fu), and Pietro grabbed the crown and put it on his head. "This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?" he yelled, pointing at his crown.

Sam was fighting off some of the Evans – which really weren't that hard to fight off – but there is strength in numbers, and there were way too many Evans. "I'll make you regret the day we met!" Pietro yelled at Sam. "I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! And as for you, my wife," Pietro said to Rahne, pointing a dagger at her, "I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king! I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-"

Sam freed one of his arms and whistled. Jubes burst in through a window above Pietro. She grabbed him and swallowed him whole.

"All right, nobody move!" Bobby yelled from where he was sitting on Jubes's neck. "I've got a Jubilation here, and I'm not afraid to use it!" Jubes roared for effect. "I'm an Assicle on the edge!"

Jubes coughed up Pietro's crown. "Celebrity marriages," Bobby said. "They never last, do they?" Despite the fact that they were in the vicinity of a dragon, the other people were pretty relieved and even laughed. "Go ahead, Sam," Bobby said.

Sam walked up to Rahne. "Uh, Rahne?"

"Yes, Sam?"

"Ah – Ah love yah," Sam said.

"Really?" Rahne said.

"Really really," Sam said.

"I love ye too," Rahne said.

They kissed, and then that sparkly golden glow surrounded Rahne, blowing out all the windows. Well, except for one stubborn one. Jubes punched that one out herself.

And yet, after all the sparkly golden glowingness went away, Rahne was still lupine.

Sam ran over to her. "Rahne, are yah all raht?"

"Well, yes," Rahne said. "But I do nae understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful."

"But yah are beautiful," Sam said.

Fred grabbed a sign from Lance and wrote "Aaaaaaw" on the back of it.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwww," everyone said.

Bobby sniffled. "I was hoping this would be a happy ending," he said.

Sam and Rahne leaned in to kiss, then noticed the camera. Sam put his hand over the lens…

And when Forge finally pried it off, Sam and Rahne were still kissing. But that was because they were now officially married. Kurt started singing.

I thought love was only true

In fairy tales

Robbie hit three notes on his bass. "OY!"

Meant for someone else

But not for me

Some of the people of DuLoc and all of the fairy tale creatures were cheering.

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Sam and Rahne ran down the aisle.

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

Tabby turned an onion and Ray and Alex into a big onion carriage and two horses with Forge's RLLT, and Sam and Rahne got in.

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Rahne tossed her bouquet. Shadow White shoved Amarella, who bitch slapped her as they both jumped for it.

Then Jubes grabbed it, turning to Bobby expectantly.

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

Bobby jumped and turned to Sam for help.

Sam mock-saluted him. "That's not helpful!" Bobby yelled, but nuzzled Jubes.

I'm in love

Oooooooh-ahhhhh

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her

If I tried

The carriage rode away, and all the people/creatures/things clapped and waved after them.

"Dieu bless us," Remy said. "Every one."

Kurt hit his drumsticks together. "Come on!" Bobby yelled, then started singing the remix.

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Baby Jamie, Johnocchio, and several Robbies did the Can-Can.

Of doubt in my mind

Amarella danced with the real Robbie while Shadow White danced with Scott. "You're, like, such a lousy dancer!" Kitty complained.

I'm in love

Oooooooh-ahhhhh, Jubes sang.

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her

If I tried

The Three Blind Eds were dancing on the organ. Forge knocked Alex over with his cane, then Ray. He tossed his cane up in the air and struck a pose while his came clattered down next to him.

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believe

Hey!

Not a trace

Lance, Baby Jamie, and Evan (the one with the big Pietro head) were playing Limbo, using Johnocchio's nose as a stick. Needless to say, when it was Evan's turn, he fell over.

Of doubt in my mind

Amarella, Friar Todd, Petit Piotr, and Kurt, Robbie, Ray, Lance, and Evan the Merry Men did the Macarena.

I'm in looooooooooooove

I'm a believer!

Remy was on the top of Rahne and Pietro's wedding cake, and was having a grand old time pounding Pietro's figurine into the cake.

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

Hey!

Sing it with me!

Kurt, Wagner, and Nightcrawler breakdanced and hit shexy poses.

I believe!

I'm a believer

Remy danced with Rahne's cake figurine.

I believe!

People in the back!

I believe!

I'm a believer

I believe!

Sam and Rahne's carriage rode off into the sunset. The picture froze and zoomed out to reveal the end of a book.

I believe!

The writing at the bottom read, "And they lived ugly ever after. The End."

The book closed. It was titled, "Redneck Shrek."

I belieeeeeeeeeeeve! Bobby sang, and trailed off into insane laughter. "By the way," he added, "That book is Ray's."


Yep, that's the end of Redneck Shrek. But click on for the Redneck Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party!