Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything else that J.K. Rowling created.
Warning: This story is AU due to the fact that I've ignored book five, The Order of The Phoenix because the end of book four was a much better place to start this fan fiction.
Take Backs
Chapter 10: Emotions on Reserve
By Rhiane Raine
Sirius Black was nervous. Everything- his hopes, dreams, and personal feelings- were all up in the air. Father and son, namely his best friend/brother and his Godson were "meeting" for the first time since Halloween, 1981.
Harry's instinct had caused him to back away from James as if frightened. Though Harry couldn't really tell, James was too. Come to think o it, Sirius would be rather uprooted as well, turning around to see someone who looked just like yourself staring back at you.
Things had to work out between them. They just had to. Sirius didn't think he could stand it if things stayed tense and formal.
"Erm… I'm Harry Potter," introduced himself wearing an embarrassed sort of flush across his cheeks, a trait that proved just how much Lily he had in him. James Potter never was one to blush.
James chuckled, "Yes, I know. You have been Harry Potter ever since you Mum and I created and names you!"
Now Harry really was embarrassed at his automatic formal introduction.
"Yes sir-ee! You've been a Potter for…" here James paused in order to count out years on his fingers as if he really didn't know the answer. Sirius suspected that, having been dead for the most of Harry's life, he really did have to count out how long. "Almost fifteen years!"
Laughter followed this comment. The absurdity of the situation had gotten to him. It proved to be infectious and he couldn't help but to laugh along. Soon Remus and Harry were joining in, albeit a little more subdued than James and his maniacal laughter.
Harry promptly stuck out his hand for James to shake properly, mocking their earlier formality.
The man with gray eyes shook his head with a smile as he watched father and son alike deflect their real emotions on the situation by hiding behind the humor.
Remus walked over his twin-sized bed, balancing a tray that he set down so on the bedside table.
Sirius felt the boy tense slightly as he recognized what was on the tray: food, juice, and three different phials of potion.
"Harry, you're ill," Sirius bluntly began. "You probably wanted to keep it a secret and ignore it but you really are sick."
Harry's reaction was immediate. He sprang up from the bed exclaiming, "Really, I'm fine!"
His Godson was anything but fine. Harry's face, while tanned as a whole and only being sunburned crimson red in a line that stretched across his nose, turned pale. Worry flooded Sirius's senses as he watched his "Really fine" Godson sway on his feet.
Hastily, James stood up just in time to stop his son from toppling to the floor.
"Sorry," Harry mumbled into James's chest, "I just feel a little lightheaded is all."
"That's because you've got sunstroke! Honestly, when was the last real meal that you had? You've actually lost a bit of weight since I saw you last and that was a year ago!" Remus chastised.
"Um, well, you see…" Apparently Harry couldn't remember which only made Sirius's insides churn with intense anger aimed directly towards Dursley's heart.
Sirius stood up from the bed and marched stiffly over to Harry's trunk. That was some nerve those muggles had. How difficult could it be to take care of Harry for one or two months a year? All you would have to do would be to provide him with food, shelter, and allow him his own entertainment. Yet, here was Harry feverish, sunburned, malnourished, and sleep deprived, all of which were physically detectable.
He rummaged around in Harry's trunk to find some pajamas but found what looked to be shabby tents. Sirius sighed, becoming more and more upset by the minute. He was very happy to have James alive, but wished whole-heartedly that his best mate could have come back to see his friends and family healthy.
"Here," he said to James. "Lets help him into some night clothes."
Harry bit his lip and looked away, but forced his body to cooperate long enough for James and himself to dress him. Sirius ignored the embarrassment Harry was feeling and continued buttoning the pajama top.
James leaned down and placed an arm underneath Harry's knees, scooping him up into his arms. Harry, for his part, was too exhausted to struggle much and allowed his head to rest against his father's shoulder.
Sirius hurried over to the bed and yanked down the duvet. Together they got Harry situated underneath the sheets.
"Harry, I'm not sure how you got to be so sick, but I guarantee you won't be 'playing in the park' for a while. At least not till we get Madame Pomfrey to fix you up properly." Remus said all of this softly while handing Harry a bowl of broth from the tray.
Weakly, Harry accepted his bowl and began eating his broth, albeit a bit slower than usual, under the stern gaze that Sirius sent his Godson. James picked up the glass of juice off of the nightstand and sat down against the headboard on Harry's right.
The three marauders, particularly James, watched as Harry nervously ate what he could, accepting a drink of his juice from James at intervals. Sirius cleared his throat before launching into the story of how they came to find James on their doorstep. His Godson listened intently as James and Remus pitched in with their own points of view. Remus even continued on to tell Harry why Sirius was there and where they would be going in a week or two.
"So the Order of the Phoenix headquarters will be at Sirius's family house? Harry asked.
"Yes," Sirius answered, "But not until Dumbledore finishes putting up the extra protection wards and the fidellius charm. Then we'll move in and start cleaning it out…. Family home my arse!" Sirius swiveled in his spot at the end of 'Harry's' bed to face Remus in the chair beside the bed. "Are you certain we can't just gut it?"
Remus smiled wryly at him. "No, the Order can make the best use out of it as it is."
Sirius sighed knowing that his friend was right. His "family" home held nothing but bad memories for him. His childhood was something he preferred not to think about and having to live in that house again was certainly not going to help.
The rattle of Harry's half empty dishes shook Sirius out of his thoughts. James took them away from Harry and silently took them into the other room to place in the sink.
"Harry," Remus said gently, "I know this is hard for you, it is for James, too, but I promise he really is your father. We don't know how or even why, but he's here and wants nothing more than to be there for you. Don't waste it, cub."
The old nickname "Cub" came out of Remus's mouth so naturally that Harry didn't even notice its appearance in the conversation.
"I know, I just… I dunno, It's really hard to wrap my head around all of this. I'm being held hostage with my escaped convict of a godfather, my exiled werewolf DADA professor, and my dead father without anyone's knowledge of it. The Dursleys must be jumping for joy by now. Aren't you a little worried that Dumbledore might poke around and worm it out of them that I've already left?"
Sirius laughed at the boy's concern over the marauder's mischief. "Let's just say we've got it ALL under control."
With practiced timing, James walked back into the room and reclaimed his seat next to Harry on the bed.
"Well, I think we all need some sleep," said Remus as he stood from his chair.
Sirius got up as well but pause in thought. "Err, Moony? What about the sleeping arrangements?"
That question caused some confusion it seemed. Remus raised an eyebrow at him.
"What do you mean? Harry's staying where he is and the sitting room will only be big enough for two of us. You and I will obviously sleep in the sitting room and let James stay in here with Harry.
Sirius huffed in annoyance at his own stupidity. "Well sure if you get all technical and put it that way, it makes sense."
Remus rolled his eyes before theyflicked over to Harry for his consent to the situation.
Luckily Harry quickly nodded his head in agreement. He looked so needy and pale that Sirius's felt his heart struggling to reach out to the boy.
"Night, kiddo," Sirius whispered as he leaned down and hugged his Godson tightly.
Remus replaced him saying, "Get some sleep, young man. We'll be through that door if you need us."
Before Sirius could say anything else, Moony was herding him out the door, closing it behind them. Sirius turned around to complain to Remus about that- what if Harry still didn't feel comfortable around James and he had another nightmare? - but the look his werewolf friend was giving him he knew to mean that nothing would change his mind.
Sleep wasn't as easy for Sirius as he would have liked. His mind was filled with thoughts and questions on how James and Harry would get along. What would happen now that James was alive? Would Dumbledore refuse to allow Harry to stay with his Father?
Sirius was most curious about Harry's nightmare. He knew from Harry's letters the previous summer that he sometimes dreamt visions from Voldemort. Though this dream seemed more like a normal nightmare composed of past memories, it did not ease his mind at all. No child should have to dream about their mothers death and they certainly shouldn't be forced to see a loving sacrifice as an unnecessary murder.
As soon as Remus closed the door, Harry and James looked at each other awkwardly, neither knowing what to say or do.
James broke their eye contact first.
"Would you mind if I borrowed one of those pillows?"
Harry shook his head no.
"Thanks," James grinned weakly as he reached across Harry for the one pillow that was not propping his son up.
"Why are you tossing it on the floor?" Harry asked, very much perplexed.
James, who had gotten up from the bed with his pillow and had walked over to the largest bit of floor space that Moony's room provided.
"I'm preparing to go to sleep?" James answered uncertainly.
No reply came from the youngest Potter, just a slight shift against his pillows. Harry's intent was clear to James, however he wanted Harry to say it so that he could be sure that it was really okay with his son.
The way Harry had not replied verbally was something he must have inherited from Lily. James repressed a smile at the way Harry was like Lily, using no words to answer but making his thoughts crystal clear.
James shrugged his shoulders and went back to prepping for bed. He rummaged around in one of Remus's dresser drawers till he found something that he could borrow to sleep in. Next he transfigured a few blankets out of the air in front of him.
"Wait," Harry said.
Startled, James paused in mid-motion. He had started to think that Harry had changed his mind.
Harry swallowed as he scooted from the center to one side of the bed.
"You shouldn't have to sleep in the floor," he said simply, not meeting his father's eyes.
Neither spoke about their agreement. Harry was feeling insecure after the nightmare and ill at the same time. Though it was natural to seek comfort in situations like that, Harry was seemingly embarrassed by it.
James, on the other hand, was overwhelmed by the need to hold his child and make sure that nothing tore them apart again. He needed to make sure that this wasreal and that he wouldn't let Harry down again.
Harry laid back against his pillows, settling in for sleep as James took up his side of the bed. The light was extinguished by James, casting moonlit shadows across the room.
There was a shifting in the bed as James rolled inward. Nearly an hour passed with James and Harry lying there, not moving, not speaking, and defiantly not sleeping. It wasn't until Harry rolled over to face James that something was said.
"Why aren't you sleeping?" James whispered.
Startled, Harry jumped ever so little at his father's voice. He obviously was the only one in the room that wasn't aware of the fact that neither occupant was asleep.
"I'm not really tired," Harry lied reluctantly.
James was too smart for that. He knew the real problem behind the white lie.
"Or maybe you're afraid that you'll have another nightmare. I can't say I would be eager to sleep after experiencing a nightmare like you had early. Second person experience was horrible enough."
Harry's nod was just barely distinguishable.
"I'm really glad you're back… Dad."
James couldn't help it any longer. He reached over and pulled Harry to him, wrapping his arms around the small body tightly.
"I am too. Harry, I'm so sorry you had go through all of that. I promised to protect you and I failed. You should never have been dumped on the Dursleys. You should have grown up with Lily and me, opening countless number of gifts on Christmas and flying on a broom with me way before you grew all your baby teeth even though your mother threatened us not to. Instead you're here, with the weight of the world on your shoulders, having grown up with a neglectful family, facing arising dark lords before your fifteenth birthday.
Harry chose not to mention the other dangers that had come in his time at Hogwarts. Instead, he just let his father hold him. Up until then he'd only had a handful of hugs in his lifetime. All of them had been given to him by Hermione and Mrs. Weasley. The hug he had received after the TriWizard tournament been the best but it was no where near the feeling of having his father holding him so close out of love.
Tears that Harry had suppressed for nearly ten years spilled over his sunburned cheeks. It wouldn't stop coming, they just kept flowing, one crystalline teardrop after another.
James tightened his hold on Harry when he felt the salty drops fall from his son's eyes.
"Shhh, baby. It's going to be all right…" He murmured into his son's ear while rubbing circles on Harry's back.
His son's erratic breathing slowing diminished into deep easy breaths proving that Harry had cried himself to sleep. Settling down with on his back with Harry half lying on his side, half lying on James's chest with his father's arm around him. Both Potters drifted into soporific sleep, each secure with the other, no words needed.
