Jack the Action Figure
Chapter Three – Frigid the Metrosexual Penguin
No.
Because it isn't possible.
The old white dog had disappeared around a corner, but Jack was no longer paying attention. It was only by virtue of his semi-curled fingers that his pistol remained in his hand: his body and jaw had gone completely slack. His vision wasn't focused and his shoulders were slumped.
A great many things had happened to him over the years, to Captain Jack Sparrow – pirate, scallywag, rogue of the wet blue deserts, the man who had a criminal charges list longer than his arm. Well, he thought, lifting and examining an arm, per'aps not any more. And of all the things that had happened to him, in every circumstance, he had been able to take control of the situation – or at least make it look like he had – and come out of it with a gold-tipped grin. This case, it seemed, was more than a little different.
Was he really a … a toy?
He couldn't be.
Because it wasn't possible.
He remembered everything about his past – he remembered Will and Elizabeth and damned Barbossa and the Pearl. He remembered his childhood! He remembered the ocean! He remembered the way his lips tasted of salt when - Jack found himself flailing, mentally. How could he not be himself? My tattoos! he thought suddenly. The scars on me arm and chest! Eager for visual proof of his certainties, he dropped his pistol and tried to open his jacket with both hands.
There was something strange about it. His coat looked the same, but under his hands the material was slick and pliable. Below the middle of his chest, his jacket would not open at all. Suddenly needing to see the tattoo that was his namesake, he attempted to roll up his coat sleeves, but though he could feel his arms moving and flexing beneath them, the sleeves would not move. It was as though they were adhered to his very skin. His hands began to shake.
There, on that shelf, Jack Sparrow began to quail …
… until the appearance of the penguin gave him something else to think about.
On the corner edge of the shelf in front of Jack, suddenly and startling him badly, appeared two black rounded flippers. They were eventually followed by a black head and a black and white body as the creature before Jack's wide eyes heaved itself completely onto the shelf with a honk of effort. It got to its feet and straightened up – and padded straight to Jack.
The pirate cursed himself for dropping his pistol and slapped about on his belt for the hilt of his sword. The creature approached until one large, black, orange-ringed eye was level with Jack's own. Realizing that he was trapped and presently without a weapon, Jack decided to try a new tactic.
"Waaaaarrrh!" he bellowed suddenly at the creature and waved his arms. "Bwwwaaaaarrhh!" The creature looked properly astonished for a moment, and then raised one feathery yellow eyebrow.
"Um," it said.
"You're supposed to be scared of me!" cried a furious Jack. "I'm loud an' intimidating! You're supposed to be – look! A distraction!" He pointed suddenly over the shoulder of the black and white creature, who turned its head obligingly. Jack fumbled at his belt one last time and with a shout of triumph found the hilt to draw his sword.
"Ha-ha!" he cried as the creature turned back to him. He cut a few vicious swipes in the air. "Ha-ha!"
"I did hear you the first time," the creature said politely, "but I suppose I'll let you continue on as long as you like. We've nothing if not time, after all." Jack was decidedly not listening and used his sword to poke the creature's brilliant red beak. The beak depressed slightly, but to Jack's horror, his sword bent more.
"Are you finished?" inquired the creature. Its voice was slightly nasally, and it seemed to pay no attention to the attempted skewering from Jack. The pirate, momentarily defeated, dropped his sword arm to his side. The creature smiled and then launched into a lilting singsong: "Waddling on the slippery ice, Frigid thinks the cold is nice – he jumps into the water below, then does it again, he loves it so!"
Jack stared.
"That's who I am. Frigid the Penguin. I would show you where it says that," the penguin continued, "but you'll just have to take my word for it, because there's a Tag Protector over my tag. See?" He lifted his left flipper, and Jack could see a large, red heart with the letters t and y in white beneath a shining, transparent shield. "I'm authentic," Frigid remarked with a certain amount of smugness. He leaned forward and spoke to Jack in a low, confidential voice. "There's one or two Beanie Babies The Girl has that aren't authentic. I don't think she knows, but can you imagine being a replica?" He flapped a flipper in Jack's direction before going on.
"But that's not why I'm here. We can gossip later, if you're that type," he said with a wink. "I'm not saying that I'm the gossiping type, but I'm especially not saying that I'm not." For one of the few times in his life, Jack found himself completely dumbfounded and unable to respond. Not that it mattered, because Frigid the Penguin was blithely continuing:
"I came over because I saw ol' man Buster talking to you. That means you must be a newbie." Frigid patted Jack on the shoulder. "Your eyes look half screaming, friend. I know things are a little too wiggly to swallow right now, but believe me, you'll find out that you've got it good. I've known Girl for a long time, let me tell you, and she's one of the greats." He puffed himself up importantly. "Especially to collectables like us, honey."
Jack managed a word. "Buster."
"Yessir, Buster the Dog." The last word came out sounding like dawg. "He's a decent fella, old and set in his ways, but such is age, isn't it?" The ease and friendliness with which the penguin was speaking to him made Jack relax slightly. That and the fact that Frigid was a plushie – they do that. "Anyways, I know how it goes being new, and I wanted to show you something that might help out, you know? Help calm down the freakies a lil' bit. So just follow me."
Jack spoke before the penguin could turn away. "Legs? I can't move 'ere."
"Oh!" Frigid seemed surprised. "Oh those! Plastic display stands, kiddo, no worry there. Just lift your feet up and out, together. Those things are easy to defeat if you just remember that they're made to stop you from kicking out, not that I've ever been in one, mind you." He patted his soft and plump white tummy with both flippers. "My physique just won't allow it!"
Bracing himself against the cinch around his waist, Jack carefully drew himself up and out of the transparent restraining device and hopped to the ground. He stretched his legs, and, while Frigid was turned away, deftly scooped his pistol up and into his belt. When the penguin asked if he was ready, he nodded, still shaky.
"Just follow Frigid here, and maybe things will be put into perspective for you." Frigid and Jack wordlessly made their way down to the end of the shelf, and using various piles of clutter to climb on, made their way upwards to the very top of what Frigid called the bookcase.
At that great, dizzying height, Jack stood and took the room in:
A porcelain, leopard-spotted piggy bank happily wiggled its nose and swished its full belly of change. A furry stuffed gorilla had a colorful flowered lai draped around its neck and was twisting it about in am attempt to make a headband. An entire shelf, dedicated to hobbits and orcs in miniature arranged on hills and plains formed from painted flowerpots, was buzzing with chatter and challenges. On either side of a line of books on the shelf below, two large stone owl bookends blinked their enormous yellow eyes and clicked a greeting with their polished beaks. In a hammock hanging in a corner of the room were a colorful number of Frigid's fellow Beanie Babies (both authentic and replicated) and a fat Pikachu doll that waved a small paw. Finally, a long glass enclosure that rang the length of the wall furthest from the pirate housed a myriad of branches, upon which two mouse-like degus perched, alert and interested.
But of course Jack didn't see those things. Jack was a scallywag. And it's not that he panicked – probably – it's just that what he saw was rather different:
"You'll mind to keep your spotty, diseased hide to yerself, you swine!" Jack cried to the crestfallen piggy bank.
"I can run my sword straight through yer furred hulk, see if I can't!" He waved his sword in the direction of the startled gorilla.
"Your numbers might be great," he shouted to the tiny hobbits and orcs, who abruptly stopped their talk, "but we'll see how many of ye I can crush under my boot-heel before I'm swarmed!"
He glowered at the massive stone owls, who clicked their beaks in dismayed surprise: "I'd like t' see if ye can get your thick bodies airborne! Vultures! This pirate's bones shall not be picked today!"
"Yellow villain!" Jack bellowed at Pikachu, who pouted. "Villain with eyes as small and black as tar-spots and red cheeks that tell of the blood you drink! Oh yes! I see you there, in the shadowed corner!"
"And you," he finished, turning his attention to the degus. He was nearly out of breath. "You … you – I don't even know what you are!" With an effort, he leveled his pistol at them. "But I know what this is, and you'd be wise to learn of it as well!" Each degu twitched her ears at the sound of his voice, but continued to regard him with shining dark eyes.
There was a sigh from Frigid beside him. "Well, now that you've tired yourself out and alienated the entirety of the room populace, maybe we should try something different."
"Well you know what it is that they say about first impressions." Jack muttered. Surprised, Frigid shook his head and the yellow feathers above his eyes swayed. "Buy everyone a round of strong drink and ye get to start again." Frigid honked with laughter and Jack, nervously at first, found himself beginning to join in with the penguin.
And that was when The Girl strolled into the room.
Author's Note – The line "your eyes look half screaming" is not mine, but comes from V.S. Naipaul's novel Guerrillas. I just think it's a really neat line. But in all honesty, using that line has been the first time I have used my expensive university learning in the real world. Right there. You got to see it. Please read it again if you like – then someone will get my money's worth.
And many thanks to:
Poor AaidenKae – you have a troll in your attic as well! What a well-populated home you have, but maybe Pippin could help out with that. Thanks for the kind words Spoofmaster, and I will try very hard to contain my insane jealously at the fact that you have an Ichabod action figure – maybe he could make an appearance here! I agree with you, Hobbit Lass, when you say that the Bilbo figure is scary. It is. It totally is. I'm glad you're still enjoying yourself, CaptainTish, and LinLin … how can I thank such a fantastically avid reader? Raistlin and Bee, it's always good to have motivating people that live close to you and – er, with you. And lastly, thanks for the encouragement Chem, and yes Jennifer! You can get the action figures! Jack, Will, Barbossa and a random pirate. They're fantastic and they do look like who they're meant to! And I'm just as interested as you in what crazy things ole Jack is going to do next.
More to come!
