16) Learning you were wrong

There had been one ray of sunshine in Erik´s life, his love to Christine and the hope which had resulted from it. But it was gone, extinguished like the candles in his living room that he hadn´t bothered to light again. Sitting in the dark seemed to be the only appropriate activity for him.

He would never see Christine again. This resolution had been his first clear thought after returning to his home. He would stay here, trying to find comfort in his music, which nobody would ever sing. All the sheets with duets, for soprano and tenor of course, lay on a large pile in front of him, yet he had no idea what to do with them. They were useless, meaningless, a waste of space. Just like himself.

The pain was excruciating, but he had to stand it. The thought to end his life had occurred to him sometime in the last hours, yet he wouldn´t do it. Erik knew that Meg would think of what he had done to her for the rest of her life. It wouldn´t be just to end his suffering any earlier than hers. His mind forced him to relive the last night again and again; still he couldn´t understand what had got into him. He had almost taken a girl´s virginity by force, just because he had felt like it.

His pondering was disturbed by the door being opened. A dark figure moved into the room. "Christine?", Erik breathed. He didn´t want to believe it was really her. Too often had he seen his angel down here, only to find himself rousing from one of his daydreams. This was the good kind of dreams, the one he allowed himself to have. The other kind… no, he refused to think about it now.

The girl tried to find out where Erik was, but the room was so dark that she could hardly make out what was in the corners. A voice came from one of them: "I´m here. But stay where you are!". He had taken off his mask quickly after coming back, and even if he knew its exact location, he wouldn´t get there without lighting a candle. This would mean that Christine would see his face, and he couldn´t do that to her.

Noticing the slight trace of panic in his words the girl complied, merely entering the room enough to close the door behind her. "You can sit down on the armchair. It´s only a few steps away from you.", Erik said. Now that she had heard him twice she also knew where he had to be, yet she saw nothing but a person crouched on the floor in the far end of the room. Again she did what he had told her.

"I can guess why you are here.", he said in a calm voice. "And I´m willing to tell you everything. But don´t interrupt me, please!" Even more than talking about the topic he feared her comments. Besides, he doubted he´d have the courage to continue once he had stopped. She remained silent, which he accepted as approval.

"I think it all started on the evening I came to give you a singing lesson and saw Meg instead. I didn´t mean to spy on either of you; it just… happened. It was the first time I saw a woman… like that." He felt his cheeks flush and was glad that the darkness covered it. "Somehow it gave me a new perspective on the relationship between men and women. Of course I had known before what they do together, but it had never occurred to me that you and I could … do that."

How should another person understand his pathetic attempts on an explanation? He didn´t even fully understand it himself. Still he went on: "From that day on I had these fantasies. I refused to think about you in this way, but then it became worse. I started imagining Meg in… certain situations with me. After some time it wasn´t enough, and since it was so easy to approach her I… I took advantage of the fact that she was in love with me. I wanted to live the physical side of love with her because I knew I´d never be able to even talk about this topic with you. And as she was unwilling to obey yesterday I almost…" He couldn´t bring himself to speak it aloud.

"I don´t know what I´m feeling anymore.", he said instead. "I tried to blame Meg for everything. Each time after we had met I punished her. But after what had happened last night I realised that it wasn´t her fault, but mine. So I began to punish myself. However, that´s not important. Just answer me one question: Are you frightened of me now?" "Why should I?", the girl asked coldly. "Is there anything more terrible than what you´ve already done to me?" Erik gasped in shock as he recognised her voice. "Meg?", he said in a terrified whisper.