17) What an unusual view!

"You expected someone else, didn´t you? I apologise for not being Christine.", Meg said bitterly, and there was indeed nothing she regretted more in this moment. If she had been Christine, Erik wouldn´t have been that violent to her. He adored his student, whereas he had only looked for pleasure with Meg, using her feelings for his own purposes.

She didn´t know why she had come here. But one thing was certain: Being mistaken for her best friend hadn´t been her intention. When Erik had addressed her as Christine she had made a quick decision not to reveal who she was too early. She didn´t want to hear lame excuses – she wanted the truth. So she had not said a word, knowing that Erik would be able to tell the difference between Christine and her at once if she had done so. Patiently she had held back every remark and every question till she couldn´t take it anymore.

However, it was Erik who asked the first question. "Did your mother show you the way to my home?" Since Mme.Giry was the only person to know how to arrive here unharmed, the answer was clear. He cursed himself for having given the necessary information to the ballet teacher. But then she had always treated things like that confidentially. Meg shook her head, although he couldn´t see it in the darkness. "She had written the instructions on a piece of paper, and I got it from her handbag. Do you really think maman would want me to meet the man who nearly took what should be the privilege of my husband… if I ever have one?"

Erik was surprised by her eloquence. He had pondered about Meg´s state many times in the last hours, but he had imagined her lying in bed, sobbing, or maybe sitting somewhere in shock. Never had he thought she´d come to him to talk things over. "Why are you here?", he asked. Her mere presence was frightening him slightly. He had no idea what she was up to.

"I wanted to see what you were doing.", she said conversationally, as if she was a good friend who had just happened to come by. "Whether you were still basking in the afterglow of what you´ve done to me. Did you enjoy it? The power you had over me, the fear in my eyes…" Each of her words stabbed Erik´s heart like a knife. "Stop it!", he whispered.

"Don´t interrupt me, please!", she mocked what he had said earlier. "You will listen to me. Do you know how I was feeling, lying under you, praying it would at least be over soon? Do you know how terrified I was? You may think you´ve shown mercy by letting go off me because I´m still… intact now. But I won´t let you delude yourself with this lie. You´ve destroyed me, and I don´t think it could be any worse if you had actually taken my virginity." Meg breathed deeply. This monologue had cost her more strength than she´d have believed possible. She had no idea why she had told him all that. For some reason she just wanted him to know.

All Erik did know was that he had to do something. A part of him wanted to run away and never come back. But he wouldn´t be able to escape from his memories. His hands clenched into fists as he kept himself from attacking her, just to make her stop talking, stop hurting him. Yet she had every right to hurt him. That was why another part of him wanted to hand her a pistol and make her shoot him. Then they would be even.

"Believe me: If I could make it undone…", he started, but she cut him short. "Don´t talk such nonsense! You said yourself you had fantasies about me. How many of them did you live out last night?" "None!", Erik cried, shaking his head frantically. "You misunderstood me. Yes, I had fantasies about you and me, but there wasn´t violence involved. I was just dreaming about… making love to you, all gentle and loving.", he finished, talking so quickly that he almost stumbled over his own words. After a few seconds he added pleadingly: "That´s nothing bad, is it?".

"As long as these thoughts would have stayed in your head…", she said uncertainly. Erik´s honesty took her by surprise. Moreover, she had had similar dreams of him. If she had heard of his twenty-four hours ago, she´d probably have been flattered that she was the girl her desired. But everything had changed. "I still don´t understand why you´ve done this. I was in love with you – I´d have given myself to you willingly if you had waited a little." "I couldn´t hold myself back any longer. The urge to… take you was so strong. It was as if I had lost my mind.", he muttered.

Meg decided she had had enough of this. It was leading nowhere, and she had other questions she needed answers to. "You mentioned earlier that you punished me. What did you mean by that?", she asked. Although Erik sensed it was merely a brief digression from the main topic, he couldn´t help giving a small sigh of relief. Not that this was something he felt like talking about…

"I thought I had to hurt you for the way you made me feel. Physically and emotionally." "Wait a second!", Meg called as comprehension dawned on her. "It was you who told the musicians to play faster, so that I made a fool out of myself." "Yes.", Erik admitted meekly. "So you didn´t give me the bigger part because you liked me, but because it was easier to humiliate me like this.", the girl stated. She should have known it had been too good to be true right from the beginning.

"Yes, but-" "This was one incident.", she continued mercilessly, ignoring his objection. "We´ve met twice before last night. So?" Erik lifted his head to peer through the darkness. He wanted to find out whether she was really as cool as she pretended to be. Her matter-of-factness seemed to be not normal in her situation. Yet he couldn´t see her face. "Do you remember the day the Grandoir girl fell through the trapdoor? It should have been you. She pushed you aside, and I didn´t react quickly enough.", he explained.

Meg shivered as her last illusions that Erik could have love her dissolved one by one. She wanted to know one more thing, then she´d leave and try to cope somehow with everything that had happened. "You told me you punished yourself…", she said slowly. He nodded. "When I came home last night I realised how much I had abused you. The feelings you had for me were a wonderful gift, and I didn´t even have enough decency to treat you like a human being. I had indeed turned into a monster."

"What did you do?", she asked instantly. "On the table in front of you is a candelabra. Light the candles and come over here.", he advised her. Meg followed his instructions, hoping it was not some trick of his. And even if it was – what did she have to lose? Yet something in his voice told her that he was serious. Very serious.

In the short time that she needed Erik had hidden his head behind his arms, but when Meg approached him he took them away. The girl clapped a hand over her mouth in horror and nearly dropped the candelabra. "Oh my God!", she breathed. It was the first time in years that someone saw Erik without his mask. But Meg didn´t look at the right side of his face.