23) Oh, these emotions I never knew
Wasn´t it? A part of him, the one that started below his stomach, didn´t care about all this. The by now familiar feeling that his trousers suddenly were much too tight spoke a very clear language: ´She wants you. So forget everything else and take her!´. Erik had the disturbing impression that this part of his body had developed a life of its own lately and tried to influence his decisions. But he was not willing to become a mere slave of his own desires. The last time he had let his lust take the lead he had nearly forced himself on Meg.
When they had made love, however, both his mind and his body had been present. This was his main reason for thinking that there was some truth in Christine´s assumption that it was too late for her and Erik. Meg and he had been connected on more than a physical level. They… they loved each other.
He backed away from her slightly to get a little more space between them. "You´re right, Christine. It´s too late.", he said softly. His heart was heavy as he saw rivers of tears streaming down her rosy cheeks again. He wanted to wipe them away, but she turned his head away from him. "So you only pretended to like me? You just wanted me to sing for you, right?", she whispered. "But no!", he exclaimed. He put a finger under her chin and made her look at him. "You were the first person in the world who showed me that I had something I could give to other people: my music.", he told her. "You´re my best friend, my only friend. Even though I don´t love you in a romantic way – I couldn´t bear losing you."
Christine gazed at his eyes, which were full of tears now as well. But she could see something else: anxiety. He was frightened, frightened that she might reject him as a friend, just like he had rejected her as a lover. Little he knew that she´d never be able to do that. But why? Wasn´t it a completely abnormal behaviour that she still wanted to be with him?
´Not at all!´, she heard a voice in her head say. A smile lit up her face as she finally understood why his words had not made her feel devastated, but comforted. "I do love you.", she replied. "But not like a woman usually loves a man. I love you as a friend." "Really?", Erik asked, not daring to hope that the best outcome possible had actually proven true. Christine nodded. "I guess I didn´t realise it earlier because I thought there was only one way of loving between a man and a woman. But when you spoke of how you feel towards me… it became so clear!"
Erik didn´t want to spoil her happiness, yet there was one more thing he didn´t quite comprehend. "But if you weren´t certain, why did you even talk about making love to me?" She considered his question for a moment. "I´m not sure. I probably wanted you to be my first since you are so close to me… emotionally, I mean.", she explained as he threw her a puzzled look and inched away from her. "I don´t know if you can understand how weird it is to have these… feelings all of a sudden." "Feelings?", Erik repeated blankly. Didn´t she always have feelings? Christine ran a hand through her hair, making it fall over a part of her face like a curtain. How could she talk about such things to a man? "These… feelings that make you want to do certain things.", she muttered, blushing.
Now Erik knew what she was trying to say. "Go on!", he encouraged her, pushing the strands of hair out of her face gently. "Well, I wanted to do it with Raoul, yet I didn´t trust him to treat me well, although her had never given me reason to question his decency. I was just scared… When Meg and you slept with each other, did it… did you hurt her?", she asked suddenly. He nodded slowly. "I´m afraid I did. But I think it passed after a while. At least I hope so."
"I´m sure.", Christine said. "You can ask her when you´re meeting her. And maybe I´ll ask Raoul for a second chance." "Why not?" Erik smiled as well now, the prospect of seeing Meg again making his eyes bright. With Christine´s help he´ll get his chance to explain everything, he was sure of it. "And even if he turns out not to be the right one, there are so many other men. But you should always mention right at the beginning that you have a best friend who can become very unpleasant…" "I will.", Christine promised. After a second´s silence she wanted to know: "Can a man and a woman who are best friends embrace each other?". She felt like showing him how grateful she was that their relationship still existed. She had feared it could be over after her revelation. "I don´t have the slightest idea. I´ve never had a friend.", he pointed out. "Then I say they can.", she decided quickly and wrapped her arms around him. It was good feeling.
