Chapter five: in the Private Cell
Where am I?
Her head hurt like hell and at first she didn't know whether to open her eyes or not. She wasn't sure how ready she'd be to deal with the reality that with no doubt hated her more than ever.
Where the fuck am I?
Well, it wasn't going anywhere if she kept her eyes closed, now was it? Still, she didn't dare to open them yet.
She had hard time trying to figure out what had happened to her. Everything was behind this thick foggy which probably had something to do with all those drinks she had had yesterday. Yes, she remembered that they had gone to a bar but everything after that… nothing so far.
Angel opened her eyes slowly shading her face from the bright light that hit painfully against her face. She blinked few times to accustom them to the light and when she saw clearly, she immediately realised where she was.
In her own little private cell back in Manticore.
Why the hell was she there? Angel sat up quickly wrapping her arms around her knees and pressed her chin against them. Without noticing it, she rocked her body back and forth, back and forth, again and again…
This could only mean one thing. Mission accomplished.
Piece by piece memories of what had happened reached her mind again. "Oh my God", she gasped out loud. No… Had it really happen? The woman, the screaming, the –
What did they do to Val? What did they do to Michael? Is he aright? And Ben? What about Ben? Oh gods..
Angel shook her head trying to retain the control over her emotions. Think straight, she commanded herself. Demanded herself to feel like a soldier should, but it wasn't easy. Do NOT let your emotions take control of you, 453. Mission accomplished, that's it. Get over it, soldier!
… How could she ever get over it?
Angel jumped up from the bunk when the door all the sudden opened slowly. She held her breath waiting to see what was going to happen next, but when Ben suddenly was pushed into the room by two guards a gasp escaped between her teeth.
She heard how the lock clicked into its place as the door slammed shut behind him.
How… "Ben?"
It couldn't be him. It couldn't be Ben that stood in front of her and looked at her eyes full of – full of pain?
He didn't make a move to get closer to her; just stared at her waiting for her to say something. Anything.
"Ben?" She whispered again, only this time with a bit stronger voice. Was it really Ben standing there wearing Manticore's uniform and staring at her hands behind his back looking like he didn't know what to say.
"How? I mean you can't be here." Was she talking to a… ghost? Of course not. She didn't believe in that crap, remember?
"Well I am", he replied finally and as soon as she heard his voice she let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding. Before Ben could say anything else or she even had the time to think clearly, she stepped forward and almost flew right into his arms. The smell sure was Ben's, she noticed with a wistful smile.
"Are you alright?" Ben asked after awhile lifting her chin up to look at her eyes. He ran his fingers down the line of her cheek feeling a little bit better now that he could touch her; feel her near – see that she was still alive. Even the fact that he felt her not-so-good-alcohol-morning-breath against his face felt great. She was okay.
"Alright? You think I'm alright? Ben tell me, what happened? Why are we here? Why are you here? Did they hurt you?"
Did they hurt me? Yes, Angel they did. They killed me. Us. Ripped my beating heart out of my chest and stepped on it.
"I'm fine, Angel. I'm fine."
Was he? Something didn't feel right. "Why are you here?" Angel had to ask… She had to know. "I – I need to tell you something"
It didn't sound promising… "What?"
"I don't wanna tell it to you like this – not now. But you have to know."
"Know what?" What the hell was he talking about? Angel frowned. The tone of his voice was seriously starting to freak her out. Did she really want to hear what he had to say? For obvious reasons she suspected the worst… he was wearing the same kind of uniform as she was, after all…
"See, the gang that we so called met – they robbed us last night. They got in by breaking a couple of windows in the basement and they – they…" The end of this sentence faded into silence.
"Spit it out!"
"They killed Val, Angel. And they killed Mike. They killed him. Those bastards killed our baby, Angel."
Air from her lungs vanished without a trace. No, no, no, no, no! It's not true! Angel shook her head refusing to believe his words and took a deep breath to swallow the burning tears climbing up her throat.
"He's dead, Angel", he repeated.
"No-"
"Yes."
One look into his eyes told it to be true.
How had this happened? No, he wasn't… her baby boy was… was dead and there was nothing she could do to change it. Angel backed off and fell down onto the bunk without saying a word. Nothing can be
"And there's something else you should know about me in case you haven't already figured it out."
No. Whatever it was, she didn't want to hear it. Not now. He ignored her pained expression and continued, "Angel see, I'm… I'm.. an X5 like.. like you", Ben said tangling with his words. It felt like his air was suddenly running out. He had never believed that anything could turn out to be so hard. Of course, before he had met Angel… before he had fell in love with her, he hadn't believed any woman could have such a strong effect on him that she sure had. There had been one that had truly touched his soul… but this woman had given birth to his child, after all. Big brown eyes staring at him, telling him that she was about to break in any minute made him feel sick. Sick of feeling unneeded. He clearly saw how she was fighting with herself and it was both mentally and physically painful for him to watch her struggle and be unable to help her. There was nothing he could have done or said to make it all better – to make it go away.
No one could do that anymore.
Still, he tried to make an eye contact with her to find out what she was thinking but her eyes met his no more. She just stared an empty space somewhere behind him, refusing to return to him. "Angel, say something, please honey." Ben's voice was desperate, appealing. He didn't want to see her suffer like that.
Understanding that was probably what made the girl speak again. "I don't understand", she said with shivering voice. "You – you don't have a barcode. You can't be an X5. This is some sick joke. This isn't happening. This isn't Goddamn happening!"
How naive she was… How innocent. By just looking at her it was impossible for a stranger to tell she was a soldier that had killed with bare hands. To someone who didn't know her, she looked like an innocent young woman and nothing more. "There's a simple explanation to that, Angel. I do have a barcode, you just wasn't able to see it, that's all. They removed it with a laser… and what comes to this being a joke", he swallowed to calm down, "– well, do you see me laughing, Angel, do you?"
She didn't answer.
"They trained you." Why did he tell her this? He wasn't sure. "I know I'm not supposed to tell you this, Angel, but they trained you by using me. But I never lied to you about anything else… just what I am."
Her whole life, even the part she had always trusted to be real, was a set-up. "There is no Ben Moreau, is there? Who the fuck are you then?" Angel demanded to know. Emotions that she had tried to ignore were now messing around in her head making it all even more confusing than it already was. Ben shook his head rubbing his neck almost angrily. "You're wrong, baby. Yes there is Ben. I am Ben, that hasn't changed."
"Hell it isn't! You aren't Ben Moreau! You're – you're a Manticore!" She spat with narrowed eyes. "State your designation, soldier."
Please no… "Don't do this Angel-"
"State your designation!" She repeated the command with even louder voice.
"Angel, please." His begging was heard by deaf ears. "State your Goddamn designation!"
It was the anger that made him give up. "X5-493, ma'am!"
No… she must have heard wrong… Angel frowned in confusion. "493?"
"Yes. Are you happy now?"
She couldn't breathe and she felt herself little dizzy… Not only had they stolen her life… but they… 493 – She knew him, she knew that designation; she knew it better than well but not even once had she seen a picture of him. He was one of those traitors she disliked so deeply. How was this possible? He was the one who had run away not only once, but twice. Rumors said that he was the one who had lost his mind out there and started killing people… that he had played a human-hunt before they had fixed him up again. She had heard about him but it couldn't be Ben. Not his Ben.
He's not your Ben!
Angel buried her face into her hands, but as hard as she tried, it didn't hide her from him. "…And Michael?"
He couldn't go through it… not again. "I – well, I brought you here-"
"I didn't ask that, did I 493?"
No, of course you didn't. I just wished you had. "I thought you couldn't handle it."
"Handle what exactly?" Her voice was like poison. Deadly – murderous. "That situation. I thought I could take them out by myself. As I did."
Oh great, her skills never counted. "So you kinda knocked me out of the game, didn't you?"
"I knew to be prepared, you didn't. .. I just wanted to keep you from seeing it in case they were… Val and Mike…" He paused to gather himself up, "And I was right even though I sure didn't want to be." Why the hell did he bother explaining? Angel sure as hell wouldn't understand because of one simple reason: she didn't want to understand.
What she wanted was to die. More than anything – just die. Disappear in front of his eyes, vanish into the thin air. "Go away", Angel whispered knowing he couldn't do as she told. Staring her feet she let the tears silently run down he face not even trying to wipe them off.
"Can't", he noted. "Go! Away!" She demanded jumping up and this time her voice was a bit louder. A lot louder actually. Suddenly she had become the soldier she used to be – the one she had to be to survive.
"If you haven't noticed, there are two bunks in here, Angel." Angel glanced around… he was right. "These guys have twisted minds and there's nothing you can do. We usually can't, you know that. We just have to deal with what they give us – so deal with it."
What they give us? They never gave anything. Just took everything away from them and that was it. "This is some sick joke. This is not funny… not funny…" She was crying again, only this time almost hysterically.
"You think I find it funny? Shit! I lost everything too, you know! He was my son as well and it's killing me! But as you know, in here there's no time to think about it. All we have to do, is move on."
Move on? Move on! Angel's eyes narrowed threateningly. She sure didn't want to die anymore. No, she wanted to kill him instead. So slowly that he would beg for mercy which she naturally wouldn't have given. She wanted to rip his eyes off and break every single bone in his body. Apparently they were on the same wavelength cause he stepped backwards giving her some room to breathe, some room to calm down. He wasn't up to a fight at that particular moment. Not with her anyway.
Why did she want to hurt him so badly? She wasn't sure but at that point it didn't really matter anymore, somebody had to pay for what had happened and he was the only one around…
With a speed of lightning she attacked him, but he was right there with her – and too fast for her. He grabbed both of her arms flipping her over his head and when she landed on the floor behind him, he turned quickly and knocked her down on her back. But before she fell, she managed to grab the sleeve of his T-shirts' and they both fell down; he landing directly on top of her. Angel whimpered when her back slammed against the cold stone floor, but she didn't let that hold her for long. Instead, she tried to kick him wherever it was possible but without any kind of success. The only thing she managed to do was kick of her shoe. She didn't see it happening before Ben had already turned her around so that she was lying on her stomach, Ben sitting on top of her, pressing her harder against the floor with his knee.
"You can't win this game, Angel. You just can't win", he said and meant every word. "– I've been through so many hours of training… and you haven't so there's no chance in hell for you to beat me. You don't have to make this any harder than it already is, Angel."
Oh she didn't? Actually I do. "What do you know about anything?"
"Look into a fucking mirror, Angel", he growled into her ear, "You ain't better than me. Aren't you forgetting something here, my love? I was following my orders just like you were following yours, you hear me? You think I didn't know? You think that it was easy for me when I knew all along that you were on a mission? You screwed me too, Angel, so you have no rights to do this to me. You're as guilty as I am."
He unreleased her which only made her push him off her with a violent gesture. She got up quickly and Ben did the same, but with no rush included.
It was horrifying to realise how right he was… He's right. I did that to him. She had lied to him as well, so everything that Ben had just said was right. He had followed his orders just like she had followed hers. It wasn't his fault that Michael was dead now was it?
No, maybe it isn't… But it is his fault that I'm here again.
"I want my life back. I want him back", she broke into tears, sobbing and didn't even try to hide it. "I know it baby, I know", Ben said as he reached towards her and pushed the runaway lock of hair back behind her ear as always. "I want him back too, baby, I really do." Angel sniffed. "But that's not gonna happen", he continued pulling her near… pulling her into a comforting hug. Softly he lifted her chin up and kissed her salty lips to let her know that she wasn't alone.
To let himself know, that he wasn't alone either.
