Chapter Thirty-Five

II

Morning awoke to a Sara Sidle determined, composed, decided. It was time.

Her sleep had been poor, filled with nightmares, but she knew them for the ghosts of her mind they were. Life would fade them, bring new ones, eventually kill them as it killed her. She would endure them as she endured life, endured herself.

And yet, she had longed for Grissom's touch, his warm body next to her to rest against in the darkness of night when her nightmares bore winter's touch. Longed for him and found him not there yet again. And so she had decided.

It was time. One last question or no more. She couldn't live her maddening dance with Grissom until old age made her bones unable to bear it any more.

She knew where she'd find him as surely as she knew herself and she drove to the lab in the bright, bright sun, Vegas seeming sunnier now with Alan Keyes behind bars. Less fear to darken people's vision now. For a little while, until the next human madness beset someone. So very human to want what seemed fair. A life, a family, a daughter. A lover, a commitment, a warm body sharing the same bed.

But the universe was atoms and rocks and gas and not human at all. It gave life, not fairness.

Fairness she would have to find for herself.

Warrick was in the locker room, taking a few things out of his locker and putting them into a bag. She watched him for a moment, leaning against the doorway. He hadn't been a friend when she had arrived and she didn't think either of them had forgotten that, but something like friendship had grown between them anyway.

"If you start coming into the lab this often, people will start mistaking you for Grissom," she remarked lightly.

"I could say the same thing about you," he replied, looking up. "Catherine and Lindsey are out on a wild shopping spree. Figured I could come in and do some paperwork, save Cath some."

She nodded, taking in the soft look on his face as he spoke and drawing her own conclusions. "Good luck with that, huh?"

"Good luck with your own," he volleyed back, going back to his task. She slipped out, feeling his words in her back. Luck. Perhaps it was time she had a little luck.

Grissom was in his office, as she had anticipated and she regarded him in silence for a few seconds, seeing the shadows across his face, the air of the concentration around him, the light across his skin. Grissom, her Grissom, the man she did love.

Love wasn't always enough. As Anna had found out, as Caroline had known, as Sara would determine.

It was time.

"Hey," she said softly and he looked up, his gaze finding her as always. "If you tell me I shouldn't be here I'm gonna have to tell Ecklie about your highly unreglemented spider food."

He looked guilty, then awarded her a smile, almost chasing the shadows off his face. "You feel better?"

"I will," she said and it was a promise as much to herself as him. Bruises healed and nightmares faded. That was life.

"I've scheduled some leave for you, if you want," he said carefully, obviously trying not to insult her with insinuating she needed some.

"And will you be spending this leave with me?"

He hesitated, a myriad of emotions flickering across her face. "Maybe a few days. If you want."

"I want ," she said firmly, then took a deep breath and went for it. "But it comes with a price, Gil. I'm not going to be with you unless you are with me."

"I am," he replied, sounding confused. "I would never see someone else behind your back."

She bit back the first reply that came to her. In some ways, he had. She had heard the whispers around the lab, knew she wasn't the only dark-haired woman he'd gazed at during the last few years. But perhaps that felt like a betrayal only to her and she had after all let another man gaze at her. And Hank had betrayed her in all meanings of the word.

"No. You're half with me, keeping the rest away," she said instead. "Sometimes, I really don't know you. I don't want to own you, but I can't keep sleeping with a stranger half the time."

"Is this about me leaving yesterday?" he asked, still looking intently at her, clearly trying to make sense of her words.

"Yes and no. I understand why you couldn't talk to me the night after. But you still can't talk to me. You talked about needing time... How much time, Grissom? A lifetime? I need to know."

"I... I don't know."

"I can't do it like this, Grissom."

"Sara..."

"No! I can't give to you until there is nothing left of me. You have to give back, Grissom, or this can't be."

"I don't know if I can," he replied and she closed her eyes. It was the reply she had expected and it still hurt, still seemed to hollow her out and leave only her skin laced with thorns.

Love wasn't always enough after all.

"Hey, Griss!" Warrick's voice called in and she looked up to see that Grissom had moved toward her, but had frozen at the sound of Warrick's voice and now looked helplessly at her. "The Sheriff's looking for you."

"Thanks, Warrick," Grissom muttered. "We'll talk later, Sara."

"Yeah," she lied and watched Grissom walk away, not looking back. Even as her mind screamed at him to turn and look at her, just one more time, he slipped around the corner and was gone.

"You okay?" Warrick asked, moving closer and giving her a look. She felt tears sting her eyes and tried to blink them away.

"No," she answered honestly. "I'm leaving, Warrick."

For a moment, he only stared at her, then nodded slowly.

"I suspect I'm not the one who can talk you out of it," he said, a hand finding hers. She merely nodded, a lump in her throat. "Where will you go?"

"I'll go to San Francisco to start with. I have some friends I can stay with a while. There might be an opening at the lab there. If not, I'll find one somewhere else."

"I see," he replied. His hand was warm on hers and for a moment, she thought Catherine a very lucky woman. "I'm gonna miss you, Sara Sidle. You've been a pain in my ass more than once, but..."

"I know."

"Yeah." He let out a deep breath, shaking his head slightly. His dark eyes seemed to pierce her skin. "Will you tell the others?"

"Nick and Greg, yeah. You can tell Catherine. She'll... She'll understand."

"Not Grissom?"

The lump was a hard rock now. But this was right, this was what was needed. "No."

"I see," he said again and she knew he did.

"Don't tell Grissom?"

"I won't."

She slipped easily into his embrace and rested her head against his chest, smelling a faint trace of Catherine on him. "Thanks, Warrick."

"Thanks yourself," he said softly. "For almost everything."

She chuckled, freeing herself gently and giving him one last look before slipping away. One goodbye - no, two - done and her heart was already broken. But sometimes you had to leave or become a ghost.

'Or a killer,' she thought and remembered her mother, remembered the blood and her father's lifeless gaze.

She would handle the paperwork with Ecklie later, she decided. Away from here, somewhere where she could write the words and not have them break her. Goodbyes were enough today and she still had a few to do.

Nick was in Brass' office, the two of them sharing a toast, looking infinitely pleased with themselves. She let their enthusiasm wash over her for a moment, wishing she could have done something as simple as falling for one of them. Well, perhaps not Brass.

"Hey guys," she said, hurrying on before they could say anything that would make her want to stay. "I'm... I'm leaving. The lab, I mean."

They stared at her for a moment, expressions frozen. No taking back the words now.

"For good?" Nick asked, sounding disbelieving. "Sara..."

"No. It's not up for discussion. Sometimes... Sometimes you gotta leave."

"Yeah," Brass said quietly and his eyes met hers in understanding. She blinked away tears, feeling Nick's arms around her a moment later.

"Be well, okay? And come visit," he whispered. "I'll kill Grissom for you if you need."

She laughed, couldn't help it. "Thanks, Nick. I'll call you."

"You better."

Nick's arms were replaced with Brass', feeling almost like a father's embrace and she closed her eyes to the illusion for a moment. Everyone longed for a father's embrace sometimes, and she could almost feel the ghost of Anna within her nod at the sentiment.

"I'll give Nick an alibi," she heard Brass say and she just nodded against his shoulder. She wanted to say something about what they'd both meant to her, but words seemed ill-suited for it and she let silence speak instead.

"Thanks," she muttered and pulled away. Almost like a family this had been and one last family member to let go of.

She found Greg outside, just about to hurry in and his face lit up at seeing her. She felt a moment of guilt for being who she was, being Sara who would pursue Grissom. It could have been easy to love Greg, but her life was all hardship and thorns.

"Sara! You look horrible."

"Thank you, Greg," she said dryly, imagining her bruise was quite a sight in the morning sun.

"Grissom won't be happy seeing you here," Greg replied, still cheerfully. "Should I get a lab coat to help smuggle you in?"

"No, I'm leaving."

"Too bad, you look cute in those coats."

"I'm leaving for good," she corrected, and the smile faded from Greg's lips. "I'm going to San Francisco."

"What? Why?" He stared at her, for a moment the darker, more serious Greg she had always known he had somewhere between his smile and sunshine.

"A million reasons."

"A million reasons being the many moods of Gil Grissom?" he asked. "I'm not blind, Sara. I know what I saw in Norway."

"Yeah. Let's just say we couldn't stay there forever," she replied, biting her lip.

"Do you have to leave?"

"Yes."

"I wish..."

"I know," she whispered, "I wish too."

He hugged her hard and she closed her eyes to the scent of him, feeling how warm and soft he was. Perhaps she could have grown to love him, but not in the ashes of Grissom, not when one gaze might make her lose herself again.

She kissed him once, softly, as she pulled away. "Thank you, Greg. For everything."

She slipped out of his grasp, taking one more look at his downcast face before walking away. Greg would do fine. They would all do fine. Warrick, Catherine, Nick, Greg, Grissom... And she, she would do fine. Someday.

She didn't look back.