September 1, 1997
I am currently sitting on the train waiting for the other students to board it so we can all get on our way. My mother didn't ride with me to the train station, but chose to keep herself locked up in her room. She is in absolute pieces because of Lucius and she is beginning to show some very unhealthy signs. She is getting quite thin; she looks so ill that I always feel I could snap her in half just looking at her. I have paid for Orlando to take her out for a while, get some well-deserved fresh air. I know I have said I never cared for my mother as one, but I am no longer sure if that is true. These past few days have had me worried.
I try not to think about it because she says she's quite fine, but I swear I will tear Lucius into pieces if I have to end up putting my mother into St. Mungos because she started to lose her mind after he left. It will only taint my name even worse than it already has been. As it is I have a hard time going out into the Wizarding world without witches and wizards of all types staring me down like I will snap and just start murdering people right there on the street corner. I know my father never showed these people any thing different then that, but I am no Sirius Black.
I sent Kina out this morning to take a letter to one of my good friends Alyson. She's been my number one childhood friend. After that ball I got to see a lot more of her and I don't mind it so much. She's a very bright girl and of course pureblood. It's a strange feeling to like someone, but I am not yet sure and I will not use her like I have done to members of the female population in the past. Truth be told I never once used a lady for sexual purposes. I find it demeaning and absolutely disgraceful. I don't believe the female population is always useful, but I will not stand for mistreatment like that.
I find myself thinking a lot more than I wish. I continue to think about my future and this year at Hogwarts. I continue to think about what will happen to Alyson and if I could really be lucky enough to feel love after not knowing it for this long. It bothers me slightly that I can't cease my thoughts, I can't make them go away and I don't even know why I think such things either.
I feel lost suddenly. The freedom I have been given is great, but I suddenly feel really lost. I am wondering what I am going to do and I am wondering where I will be going. My mother seems to have gotten to me more than I wished her to. She lectures me constantly about it, now that I am her number one provider. The freedom I was absolutely adoring earlier has more sides than I figured. It has caught me around the neck and will continue to strangle me until I can breathe no more. It showed me what I never had and now as so brutally thrown me into adulthood.
Well I guess that will be all for now before someone comes into my compartment and finds me writing. This book holds more true thoughts and feelings that I never knew I could feel inside the pages and it would be hell if anyone found it.
"Comme l'horloge sonne douze j'offrez-vous bonne nuit"
Draco A. Malfoy
Author Note: To whom ever asked, the A in Draco's name is because I completely felt like having his middle initial be that letter. In fact I think that JK Rowling confirmed it started with an A, but I can't be for certain. I hope you all enjoyed. More will be coming soon. I find it strange that I can write Draco, a seventeen year old bad boy better than I can write myself.
