DISCLAIMER: J.K. Rowling owns the setting and everything that you see in the Harry Potter books. Thanks to Rowling for a brilliant world to write of. However, I do own a few original characters and ideas. If anything in here seems related to another story/fanfic, sorry! It's really not.
Prologue: A Grain of Sand
I'd like to say that I'm a pretty, smart, vivacious, kind, and loved person. Oh, and throw in popular and outgoing, as well. Funny and individual would also work. Or maybe forthright and blunt. There's a ton of things that I'd like to call myself. But there are only several, less favorable adjectives than the ones above that I have the right to use. But you really don't have any reason in reading this.
Huh, what's that?
You want toget to know me? Me? Of all people?
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm sure that you have a million other things to do than listen to me talk about my pathetic life. You wouldn't bother with someone like me.
Bye, then.
Oh, you're still here? Ah, well, that presents a problem. What could you possibly want to know about me?
Anything?
Whoa, you must need a life, too.
Okay, well, I guess the least I could do for you is tell you about myself, though I doubt you'd be interested.
I can sum myself all up in one word: ordinary.
Right now, you might be thinking, "You say it like it's a bad thing!"
Truth is, it's the worst thing that could ever happen to you: being ordinary. You see, I have first-hand knowledge of what it's like to be nothing out of the ordinary. I'm not pretty; my features are passable, not striking, but neither is it horrendously ugly. God, sometimes I just wish that I were ugly so I'd get some notice. But no, even my prayers for ugliness were never answered. Is event that too much to ask?
Anyways, I'm in Ravenclaw, the "smart" house, but my grades aren't the highest in my year, or even my class. I'm not the best in anything. There's nothing about me that sets me apart.
"Best" is reserved for other girls, girls who actually have a personality, an identity. Girls like Zoë Fielding. She is beauty and brains all rolled into one; that girl has got it going for her. She has it all. To make matters even worse, Zoë is kind, generous, caring, and outgoing, though too much of a preppy girl—but that's only in my biased, jealous opinion. Most people would just consider her kind, generous, caring, and outgoing, without the preppy part. Zoë is perfect—perfectly out of the ordinary.
Are you reacting with disgust to my jealousy? Well, screw you. All my life I've been ignored and neglected, and I think I will treat myself to a bit of self-pity and self-indulgence.
Oh, all right. I can sense your disapproval pressing in on me like noxious fumes. I like Zoë. She is wonderful and nice. She's one of the few people who say hi to me in passing. But she has what I'll never have.
Right there. I just showed one of my unfavorable traits. I'm such a pushover. I care deeply what other people think of me.
Well, actually I like to think that I used to care deeply. And, as shameful as it is to admit, I used to be willing to do almost anything for a bit of attention. I'm glad I've gotten a bit better now. After all, several years of jumping at everyone's beck and call can really wear a person down. And I realized that I was downright pathetic, kissing people's arses in return for a little pat on the head and a moment of attention, just as a person would give a dog. So I just decided to stop. There wasn't any point anyway, and being a doormat and an intruder upon others is nothing near to fun, plus utterly degrading.
You get what I mean, don't you? Nobody likes being trod all over, like a doormat. Doormats never get thanked, let alone cleaned every one in a while. They're so ill-used and under appreciated…
So here I am, all alone, an stranger with even my own year mates. I feel so unwanted, so much like an outcast, so much of a burden. I don't want to inflict my presence upon other people.
Okay… I'll spare you guys the rest of my self-pitying babble. Nobody will want to hear it.
Anyway, I think I've gotten used to my life by now. There's nothing wrong with it… it's not like I'm dying or depressed to the point of suicide. Nope, I'm just invisible, alone. But it's perfectly fine with me, since being alone is the only way of living that I know. And over the years, I've found my own life, separate from the other students. I know it might sound a little stupid, but I don't care. This life is all I know, and it's all I'll ever want. People think that there might be only one way to live—with other people. But that is so not true.
There's more than one way to be happy. There's more than one way to deal with shyness. There's more than one way to live. And that's how I built my own life. My own existence. I have my very own dream world, a place where some people dream about. I can go all day without speaking to a single person… and I love it.
So, you still want to find out all about me? About my ordinary, average life of laughing with me, sleeping with Mr. Poo and Kusco, whistling for the owls, and counting the crags in the walls? I assure you, it's nothing out of the ordinary. How could it be anything other than that when I live the life beyond the spotlight?
I guess I didn't think you'd be satisfied with just that. Actually, there is more to my life than that. There's him, and Lily, and James, and Remus, and Peter, and Lexie… well, I don't know if Lexie counts.
And you might wonder, "Who the hell is Lexie?"
Lexie is—it's kind of embarrassing to say this—Lexie is me. The different half of me, that is. Maybe she's my subconscious— my really acerbic, sarcastic, prickly subconscious. Well, anyways, my point is that Lexie is me, myself, and I.
An even better question for you is: "And who the hell are you?"
Me…? I am Alexis Ellison, Alex for short (do you see where Lexie comes from?). I used to be a happy girl, off in my own world where nobody could ever hurt me. I used to lead a life without needing the company of others, until he forced his way into my life and glued himself onto my heart. He is the whole reason I had to wake up from my ideal dream world; he broke my protective shell to bare my defenseless side to everyone. And he showed me how hard caring for someone could be. He ruined the existence I built up for myself after years. Without even asking, he had barged into my life, even when I pushed him away, to rip my perfect world to shreds. He sees me like no one else does. And even when I try to hide, he always rips back my covers unmercifully.
You must be dying to ask, "Who is 'he?'"
'He' is none other than Sirius Black, the legendary playboy of Hogwarts, the debonair, suave, charismatic hottie of every girl's wildest dreams, the king of popularity, the center of all attention, an honorary (well, maybe honorary isn't the best word) member of the Marauders, the top student in almost every class, the so out-of-the-ordinary guy, and the brightest star in the night sky.
Sirius Black is more like a black hole than a star; he pulled me inexorably out of my secluded, but perfectly content life and into a whole new existence of people—of the potential of getting hurt.
Are you thinking, "What does she mean by that?"
Well, the meaning is quite clear: whenever you are with other people, you will always get hurt. That is the whole reason why I built myself a life without people, a life where I could never get hurt, a life where I didn't need anybody and nobody needed me. There were no obligations or commitments I had to hold to, no complications or headaches over anyone, no fights with others, no tears shed, and, most importantly, no hurt feelings! There was nothing but happiness and contentment in the way I lived my life. There was only me… me. Nobody else. I didn't have to think about anybody else.
And then Sirius Black banged down my previously imperturbable walls. He pulled me to him like a moth to a flame, unrelenting and persistent, despite the danger. No, that pull is too weak to describe my feelings. He reeled me in like a black hole sucks in all light, and nothing can escape once it reaches the event horizon. Once I got close enough to Sirius, I couldn't pull away.
Sometimes I wonder why he chose me. Why me, when he had the whole female population in the school throwing themselves at his feet? Why me? I'm no looker. I'm no genius. I am completely ordinary….
But Sirius saw past that. He saw me, and he made me see the person I was and could be once I opened up. He proved that even a grain of sand in an endless desert could become a diamond in the rough.
