SUMMARY: Perhaps the best way to gain your interest is to state straight off that I'm a loser. Or maybe I should say that I'm a wonderful girl, and this is a swashbuckling story. Ah, I was never good at writing blurbs. Let's just stick with the fact that I was perfectly happy until HE came strutting along and crashed my life.
DISCLAIMER: J.K. Rowling owns the setting and everything that you see in the Harry Potter books. Thanks to Rowling for a brilliant world to write of. However, I do own a few original characters and ideas. If anything in here seems related to another story/fanfic, sorry! It's really not.
A/N: Um... about this... Hehe. I'm sorry it took so long. As I said (in my profile) this story is more of a distraction from Hidden Flames, so updates might be very infrequent. So... how many of you are still with me on this? xD
--
---Chapter Three: Randomness---
--
"What is she doing?" Sirius choked out. I had the impression that the extreme shock of finding Delaney in that sort of position had rendered him incapable of swearing.
Even though I was very—very—startled myself, I somehow managed to pull my disturbed mind back together again.
"Um… I guess she's… well… dancing," I finished lamely.
"I know that!" he replied impatiently. "But in a turban? And boxers? Of all things?"
I turned back to survey the scene. Yes, Professor Delaney was indeed sporting a large pink turban and wearing something akin to boxers…. To make things worse, three, large, astoundingly hot pink monkeys followed every step she took. The room was curtained—not that it wasn't like that usually—and numerous, heavily scented candles. And in the middle of the round table (all the other tables had been cleared away to, presumably, make a dancing floor) was a huge crystal ball. No, this wasn't just an ordinary crystal ball; this one was bigger than two heads, and a dark green mist swirled around in its murky depths.
"Oh, Lord of Sight, Lord of the Future, Lord Crystal Ball!" Delaney cried out dramatically, panting a bit for breath.
Sirius and I exchanged a glance… and then we both simultaneously fought to get down the ladder. Crazy, insane, unstoppable laughter was bubbling up in me, and I snorted—quite embarrassing, really—before collapsing on the ground in fits of silent laughter.
"Oh, Lord of Sight, Lord of the Future, Lord Crystal Ball!" I heard Delaney cry once again. "Please show me the way! Grant me the Eye! Let me see past the mundane of the present!"
By this time my stomach felt as if there was a large rip in it, and I was gasping for breath. My eyes were tearing quite badly. My efforts not to howl with laughter also cost me dearly; I continually snorted for breath.
Delaney… doing a ritual dance in honor of the Lord Crystal Ball? Blimey, people were all insane.
"Oooohhm!" Delaney's voice floated down to me in a series of grunts. "Ohm mo-mum maaa! Ooohm!"
Ah… my poor abused cheeks, stomach, and lungs. They were screaming at me to stop the torture.
After quite a while of unthinkable and exhausting laughter, I squeezed my hands over my ears in an effort to stop my giggles. My stomach hurt like hell and I could barely breathe in between guffaws. I glanced over at Sirius, who was in no better condition. In fact, he couldn't even seem to restrain himself, and he was rolling over, turning so red that if I didn't know better, I'd say he were constipating.
Just when I thought I'd calmed down…
"Chook a locka chook a locka chook chook chook!"
That set me off again, and I fell backwards, rolling on the ground in much the same fashion as Sirius was doing. I lost myself in the hilarity of this whole situation—Delaney dancing away at some cult tradition she'd developed… she'd finally snapped… Sirius looked ready to combust… pink monkeys for heaven's sake! To top it all off, this was what McGonagall wanted us to take for an example!
Oh, Merlin, nothing was right in the world!
A sudden clatter from above brought an end to my fits of laughter. Alarm bells went off in my head as I sat up quickly and exchanged a frightened glance with a very disheveled Sirius. A second later, he grabbed my wrist and hauled me off the floor, dragging me off to who knows where.
It turned out that I didn't have very far to go. He found—very quickly, I might add—a little niche in the wall partially covered by a tapestry. Picking up on the uptake, I eagerly darted into the niche and squeezed myself as far back as I could fit.
Which—I realized too late—left no room for Sirius.
He swore as we heard Delaney descending from the ladder.
"Sorry about this," he whispered before squeezing into the niche and tugging the tapestry back until it covered us. His back was pressed against the hands I had raised to keep him away from me, and I could feel his body heat through his robes. Recoiling rather hastily, I pushed myself even deeper until my shoulders would let me go no further.
"Stop moving around," Sirius whispered.
I obeyed, and concentrated instead on Delaney's voice. I could still feel his blasted body heat! If only I didn't know that Sirius was a very, very cute guy, who was currently only inches away from me….
Oh, you dirty, dirty girl.
"Yes, Loop-loop. That was a very successful one. I'm sure Lord Crystal Ball will be very pleased. He will show the way!" Delaney cried in a mystical voice. She was speaking to… one of the hot pink monkeys….
Dear Lord. Help this teacher.
I could feel Sirius's shoulders start to shake. Against my will—mine started shaking as well.
Damn you, contagious laughter!
"Yes… the clairvoyant vibes… they are getting stronger. My Sight…! It has returned in full force!" Here I heard the shuffling of feet and dramatic swishing of cloth. "I See! I can See! And I See… that my Lord Crystal Ball will be pleased if we should present ourselves to him thus arrayed next Tuesday night!"
Delaney sighed dramatically, and then her footsteps—along with three other pitter-pattering ones—retreated to another room.
After a moment of silence, I couldn't take it anymore. My laughter exploded out of me in a disgusting snort, and my stomach, which had not quite recovered yet, was once again bombarded with heaving guffaws. A moment later, Sirius cracked up as well, and he pulled himself—laughing all the while—out of the niche. My crazed mind tried to order my own body to do the same, but to my horror, my shoulders would not budge.
My laughter died as realized that I might be spending the rest of my life in this little niche… and all because my shoulders were too fat! I could just see my life flashing before my eyes… not that there was much to see, but still!
Sirius, that idiot, was still in fits on the ground, and I waited a bit impatiently for him to notice that I was stuck. Yes, stuck. When he still showed no signs of stopping, I cleared my throat roughly.
More laughter.
I pursed my lips and said, "Sirius!"
Ignore, ignore. He was ignoring me!
"Sirius!" I hissed. "A little help here would be nice!"
He merely looked at me and laughed harder. "You—you're stuck!" he gasped out. "And… and D-Delaney…"
Trying to get a guy intoxicated with laughter to help is not an easy thing, but I—thanks to my astounding skills of persuasion—managed to accomplish it.
"Ouch!" I cried, as Sirius tugged on my arm hard enough to jerk it out of the sockets. "Do you have to be so rough?"
"I know what to do!" he said, ignoring my comment. "We'll use a lubricant!"
"Are you sure?" I asked him, doubtful of his plan. "I mean… it's kind of weird, isn't it?"
He waved me off. "People discredit weird ideas too much," he said sagely as he fumbled around for his wand.
"Okay!" Sirius said, taking out his wand and aiming at my face. I felt my heart miss a beat; this was actually a very dangerous position to be in, stuck in a niche with a wand pointing straight at my face.
He mumbled some sort of nonsense spell—I'm still sure that he made up that spell on the spot—and something shot out at me. Something that was thick, white, and disgustingly fluffy.
Unfortunately, he was very generous with this substance, and soon my whole face and body was covered in a thick coat. Some of it even forced its way into my mouth.
"Whipped cream?" I spluttered as soon as my taste buds started working. "Whipped cream! Is this your stupid lubricant-y solution to my predicament?"
"No, it was actually supposed oil," he commented, scratching his head. And then he shrugged! He actually had the nerve to shrug at me!
"Hey, but maybe the whipped cream will work," he remarked cheerfully, taking a hold of my already abused arm.
Sirius gave one mighty tug—and my arm came out of the crevice. I tumbled onto him clumsily, and to my satisfaction, the whipped cream all over my front was smeared all over him as well.
"Well," I said, sitting up and smiling. "That was… interesting." I spat some whip cream out of my mouth.
"Could you refrain from spitting that onto my face?" Sirius grumbled from beneath me.
"I—" I started. Then I broke off as it clicked.
He grumbled from beneath me. Beneath me! So that must mean… that I was on him! And I was sitting up… so that meant I was straddling him! And… and to top it off… we were covered in whip cream!
The horrifying implications sunk into my mind with the speed of… of… hell, I don't know! All I knew was that my face had heated off very quickly, so I was thankful of the thin layer of whip cream hiding my cheeks.
"Oh my God!" I whispered frantically, scrambling off of him. In the process, I must have stepped on places that shouldn't be stepped on, for his groans of pain were very heartfelt indeed.
"I'm sorry," I apologized as soon as I reached the other side of the room. "Are you okay?"
"Sure…" he said. I could tell he was grimacing. "I'm pretty sure that you ruined my chances of becoming a father, though…"
Ew. Whoa, that brought too mind too many vulgar and indecent images!
I was sure the whip cream wouldn't be able to hide my red face.
"Are you going to help me or not?" he asked irritably.
Helping him meant going near him and touching him! I squeaked and covered my face with my hands.
"No!"
"Wha—oh," he said, his tone taking on a knowing edge. "So that's why…"
I wasn't sure if my face could get any redder. "No… it's just… I'm… uh…"
"Not well endowed?" he asked knowingly.
It took my mind a moment to interpret the real meaning to that, and then my jaw dropped and I stared at him in horror and indignation.
"That's okay," he continued, grinning rakishly. "We can still do the deed. I heard from some very reliable sources that whip cream makes anything good."
I had never been so embarrassed in my whole, entire, miserable existence. I couldn't think of anything to say to that… he didn't actually mean it did he? Oh—God, the dirtiness! I wanted to slap myself silly. I searched around in my mind for anything to say, and came up with nothing.
So I decided to bolt—get away from here, run as far away from him and embarrassment as possible. But my legs just couldn't move fast enough. He must have seen me getting ready to flee, for he was up and caught me around the shoulders. I recoiled, and I was sure my face got even redder! I quickly broke away from him, and looked down at the ground, my shoulders hunched.
"Hey, where're you going?" he grunted.
I stared at an irregularity on the stone, wishing that I could just melt. Even my ears felt freaking hot!
"Look, I'm sorry. I guess you're not used to hearing things like that…" he trailed off, and I could hear him shifting uncomfortably. My hair, with clumps of whip cream and all, was blocking him from my sight.
I nodded at him wordlessly, my mind still to incomprehensive to make my mouth form words.
"So… uh… you're okay now?"
I nodded again.
"Okay… now what?"
I shrugged my hunched shoulders.
"You want to go now?" Sirius continued probing.
I nodded.
"Oh, this is ridiculous!" he said in frustration. He pulled out his wand, and for one frightening moment I was sure that he was going to Stun me, but instead he just muttered, "Scourgify!"
And soon I was free of whip cream. "Thanks," I whispered.
There was a moment of silence, and then I heard him huff loudly. I cringed. He was probably realizing how much of an immature dork I was now…. And there wasn't even the whip cream to hide my red cheeks.
Sirius surprised me once again—I don't know how many more surprises I can take—by grabbing my hand (why wouldn't he stop that?) and pulling me out of the room and down the frightening flight of stairs of the North Tower.
I stumbled along after him, barely able to keep my shaking legs from collapsing under me.
"I've got to get you back to your common room before you faint on me," he said over the shoulder. I glared at his head indignantly, but didn't comment. Because, in truth, fainting was what I felt like doing. Merlin, how sad is that?
After I returned my gaze to my feet to watch my step, I hazily followed Sirius, not even wondering if he would leave me alone at some weird part of the castle, where I'd spend the rest of my life, and be picked apart by house elves (the pictures I've seen of them are really disturbing).
"We're here," Sirius announced, pushing me forward slightly. Then I registered that I was in front of the Ravenclaw common room. I glanced at him, surprised he knew where it was.
"Don't you want to get in quickly, so no one will find you and expel you 'over and over again?'" he asked, a grin turning up the corners of his mouth.
He had the nerve to mock me and look adorable while doing it! I huffed angrily at him and crossed my arms, waiting for him to leave. I wasn't about to be stupid and give the password in his hearing range! He'd probably sneak in and steal bras or pantyhose or something of the like.
Sirius seemed to get my point (smart boy, that one), and his smile deepened as he turned around and strolled away like he had all the time in the world. Then I entered the common room, relieved to find it empty.
I trudged up to my dorm and changed into my PJ's. When I finally fell into bed, I realized that we hadn't gotten anything done on our project! Damn him…. Though I felt strangely happy. For some unknown reason. This was the first time I'd had fun with—another person. And wow, that was truly amazing. Sirius's rakish grin floated back into my mind, and I unconsciously smiled into my pillow.
'Hey, you,' Lexie said.
"Yeah?" I asked.
'I think you've made some progress today.'
"What do you mean?" I asked.
'Figure it out yourself.' She hushed again and retreated. Satisfied with that, I groped around my bed until I felt Mr. Poo and Kuzco. Once I had them gathered safely in my arms, I lay my cheek against Mr. Poo's fur, trying not to think back on how embarrassing the whip cream incident was.
ll----ll
I yawned tiredly over my bowl of cereal during breakfast. Last night, after nearly an hour of twisting and turning restlessly on my bed, I had gotten to sleep a little after three.
And whose fault was that?
Sirius's!
He'd made me stay up that long and witness an undeniably comical Delaney show! And he'd made me incredibly nervous. Plus the fact that I kept on reliving every moment I spent in his company…
Merlin, I didn't like what was happening to me.
I rubbed my eyes with both hands hard enough to make my vision blacken once I opened them again. Taking a deep breath, I stole a quick glance over at the Gryffindor table, searching for Sirius. And sure enough, he was sitting at the end of the table, talking with his friends and looking cutely disheveled.
'Looking for Sirius?' Lexie snickered.
"No," I muttered. I stuck my spoon into my cereal and shoved some food into my mouth.
'Right…'
That was all it took to put me in a bad mood. I pushed my bowl away angrily and got to my feet, preparing to exit the Great Hall in a grand style, just to spite Lexie. Though I wasn't quite sure how exiting grandly would do that…
"Alexis!" I faintly heard someone call. Hm… there must be so many Alexis's in this school.
Then someone grabbed my arm. Squeaking in fright, I whirled around and repeatedly thwacked my attacker hard with my book bag until I got a good look at his face.
"Oops," was the only thing that came out of my mouth as I stopped hitting Sirius.
"It's like no one's ever touched you before," he grumbled.
'If he only knew,' Lexie snickered.
"Uh… is there something you needed?" I squeaked out rather embarrassingly.
"I just wanted to ask you about the Transfiguration project."
I wrinkled my nose and shook my head helplessly. As my head turned slightly, I caught a glimpse of several Gryffindor girls glaring at me hatefully. Quite taken aback, I quickly averted my gaze. I could still feel their stares burning into my back with the force of a thousand suns.
Why were people suddenly staring at me?
"Uh… I don't know…" I muttered, ducking my head down and shuffling my feet nervously. Whether it was from the stares or talking to Sirius, I don't know. "Listen… I have to—go—over—there."
I pointed in some random direction and walked away, too afraid to even glance at his face.
'That was a great exit.' As usual, Lexie could never just stay out of the picture.
"Could you stop doing that?" I snapped. "Just leave me alone."
'Don't get short with me, Alex. Remember you're the one who needs me, not the other way around,' she retorted haughtily.
"Whatever," I snorted.
It was time to immerse myself in yet another cheesy romance novel. But the ruthless bell cut my time in my sanctuary in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom short. I got to my feet, feeling a twinge of anxiety—I had Transfiguration next. Which meant I had to face Sirius.
Moaning, I rammed my head against the stall of the bathroom.
"Why—am I so stupid? Why—am I so stupid?" I muttered, punctuating each "why" with a bang.
'Just get to class. Or would you prefer to get expelled over and over again for being late?' Lexie asked with a mocking edge in her voice.
"But I have Transfiguration! I don't want to face him," I whined.
'Get to class, slacker.'
There's no sympathy for anyone these days.
I did as Lexie ordered and got my butt to class. Amazingly, there were several people in the class before me! What the hell… I must be getting senile. I'm always supposed to be first in the classroom….
Settling myself in my usual seat in the back, I grumpily slouched forward to bury my head in my arms. McGonagall would probably make us work on our projects today, and I didn't know what I'd say to Sirius! It was just too awkward, too embarrassing….
Professor McGonagall rapped on her desk, and I reluctantly lifted my head up to glare at her.
"Settle down, settle down!" she ordered. "It's been a week since I assigned the improvement program, and I expect that all of you have at least gotten started. I will give you the whole class period to discuss and prepare your oral reports. You'll share with the class what good qualities your teacher possesses. And I'm sure that all of you will prepare acceptable presentations." She eyed us—mainly the Marauders—sternly.
"No problemo, Minnie!" Sirius chirped out cheerfully.
"I didn't see your hand, Mr. Black," McGonagall snapped.
"Sorry, won't happen again."
"And Mr. Black…"
"Yes?" he looked up expectantly.
"Don't call me 'Minnie'," she said, distastefully rolling the name 'Minnie' around in her mouth.
Then everybody started moving their desks around to their partners' desks. I shifted nervously in my seat. I didn't want to talk to him! What if he made some lewd comment again? I knew I shouldn't have come! I should have made Kuzco cover for me!
I was just about to invoke a secret magic that would make me sink into the ground when someone—it just had to be the person who I was trying to hide from—plopped into the desk right next to mine.
"Do you mind?" I snapped. "I'm trying to invoke a secret magic that will get me out of here! It won't work if you're right there."
"Why, thank you for asking. I don't mind at all," Sirius said. He had a stupidly handsome grin on his sinfully beautiful face.
I grumbled something very uncomplimentary under my breath.
'That won't do,' Lexie chided me. 'You should only say things like that when you want them to be heard.'
"So… what do you want to do about the project?" he asked. He went on to casually prop his feet up on the table in front. I wrinkled my nose at this.
"What can we do?" I groaned in despair. "Delaney's nothing like a good example! The only thing we'll learn from her is how to dance properly in rituals."
"Then it's settled. We can't learn anything from her at all, so let's just stop with the hard working-ness," he stated.
I looked at him curiously. "But we need to get a good score on this."
He looked at me with a smug, know-it-all expression on his face.
'Smack him,' Lexie advised.
"We'll just do a parody of what Delaney does. You know that McGonagall doesn't like Delaney at all—she won't mark us down. Besides, McGonagall loves me. And don't you want to have a bit a fun in your life?"
'Yum… fun…' Lexie approved.
In a flash, I knew what I wanted to do.
"She's doing that ritual again Tuesday night next week. Here's what we'll do…" I started with an evil smile that Lexie applauded.
--
A/N: Like? Dislike? Please tell me what you think! Thank you!
