Chapter 5: Church
"He doesn't really go with the décor."
Margali marched through the camp walking with such speed and purpose that Kurt nearly had to run to keep up with her. She was looking straight ahead, her mouth set in a tight-lipped frown, but Kurt glanced around, noticing that they were being watched. He stopped a moment, but a tug on his arm pulled him forward.
They didn't jump over the wall like Amanda had, but took the long way around to the gate. Kurt stopped and looked up at the church. He realized that they had been looking at the back of the building during their game. There were no colored windows on the front, only a large wooden double door. He hesitated, but Margali pulled him forward. They stopped at the door so Margali could tug on the giant handle. She pulled the door open and Kurt looked in.
It was enormous inside. The ceiling was nearly as high as the roof of their biggest tent and there were rows and rows of seats but not very much room for performers. It was very much like the circus, but different. Kurt wondered what went on inside of churches, besides people like him getting hit by lightening of course.
"Go ahead." Margali said. Kurt shook his head and hid behind Margali. "Nothing is going to happen." Kurt stood his ground so Margali picked him up and walked inside. He squeezed his eyes shut expecting the worst, but when nothing happened he opened them and looked around.
The light of the setting sun was glinting off the beveled panes of the stained glass windows and projecting rainbows on the floor while filling the space with a soft glow. They were in the middle of the space and Kurt dropped to the floor and turned in a full circle. "Wow." He whispered. There was so much to look at; along with the colored windows there were statues and paintings and candles everywhere. "What do they do here?" He asked.
Margali felt a little out of her element. She'd never had much use for Christianity and she had even less use for it after she adopted Kurt. Then again, she didn't want to pass on her own bias to her son. "They worship God." She said.
"Why?"
" The people who built this church believe that God created the world and all of us on it. So they come here and thank Him." Or Her, she added silently with a smile. They took a few steps forward. Kurt's hood had fallen down but Margali didn't bother to fix it. They were alone.
"Is that God?" Kurt asked, pointing to the large wooden carving of Jesus on the cross that hung above the main altar.
"No. That's supposed to be God's son." Margali said.
"What happened to him?" Kurt asked, still walking towards the altar while looking in all directions.
"Um." Margali was really in over her head. "He said a lot of things that people didn't like. So they killed him."
Kurt scratched his head. "But he looks like one of the angels only without wings. I thought the angels were good."
"He was good. But there were some people who disagreed with him so what he looked like didn't matter to them. See? It can go both ways."
Kurt knitted his brow and looked around. "Is there a picture of God here then?" he asked.
"No." Margali said, "just His son."
"Why."
Margali sighed. "Because they don't know what God looks like I guess." She said.
"So how do they know He's really there?" Kurt asked.
Margali was trying to formulate an answer when a voice from above her said, "Now that, young man, is a very good question." Margali felt like her insides had melted. They were not alone, and now there was nowhere to go, nothing she could do. She jerked Kurt's hood up, ignoring his "ow!" and looked around for the origin of the voice. She couldn't believe this was happening. How much worse could this day get? All that time she had spent telling Kurt he had nothing to fear was going to be ruined forever by some religious nut who more than likely was going to take one look at him and run them off the property. Holding Kurt against her, Margali looked up at the crucifix. Well, she thought, if not here, where else. Please, she intoned silently, if you're really there, God please make this work out.
"Over here." The voice said. Margali turned and saw a priest walking down the aisle towards them. She pushed Kurt behind her long skirts and stood facing him. "You were doing pretty well," he said with a smile, "but definitely cutting in on my territory." He stopped before them, his smile slowly melting into a look of confusion. "I didn't mean to scare you." He said.
Margali realized she must have looked like a deer in the headlights. She quickly closed her open mouth and straightened herself. "It's okay." She said. "We didn't mean to bother you. We'll just go." She turned carefully, sliding sideways past him, and trying to maneuver Kurt in such a way that he stayed out of sight.
"Miss?"
Margali looked back over her shoulder.
"You and your son may stay if you like. Everyone is welcome." He was smiling again, but a look of concern crossed face. "Is something the matter?" He asked.
"I want to stay." Kurt whispered.
"No. " Margali said, a little more sharply than she wanted to. She looked back at the priest. "It's probably best that we go." Giving Kurt a small shove forward she started towards the door.
"You should never be ashamed of those you love."
"What?" Margali spun around, nearly knocking Kurt over.
"Your child. What is it about him that frightens you?" Margali bristled at the question, but she could see compassion in the man's eyes. He wasn't at all like any of the other priest's she'd ever encountered. He was younger than most, with only a few grey hairs at his temples. And he was smiling, friendly. Margali's few encounters with men of the cloth had involved the persecution and distain, not smiling and telling them to stay. She'd made a point to steer clear.
"He doesn't frighten me. It's just that, he looks a little…unconventional." Margali finished after a pause that felt too long. The priest looked puzzled. "He doesn't really go with the décor." She said, gesturing around the church.
The priest shrugged. "I wasn't aware of any rules about matching the architecture." He said and then smiled again. "I'll have to call the archdiocese and ask them about it."
Margali sighed and looked down at Kurt, who was now hanging back on his own. It seemed that there was nothing she could say to convince this priest to let them go and simply grabbing Kurt and running out would have conveyed the wrong message. She would just have to trust the man. "It's okay." She said. Kurt peeked his head around and looked up at the priest, his hood falling back as he did so. Margali didn't bother to fix it.
"Nightcrawler." The priest said. There was a long silent pause. "I saw your performance two nights ago. Priests do go out sometimes." He added as though in answer to their expressions of shock. He looked down at Kurt and smiled. "You're a very talented young man."
Kurt looked away. He was never shy when performing, but he had never spoken to anyone outside of the circus' fold. "Thank you." He said in barely audible voice.
The priest knelt down and with a finger on his chin gently turned Kurt's face to face his. "It's okay to be different you know." He gestured at the Crucifix, "That man lived thousands of years ago. He was different and that's why we remember him."
"How was he different?" Kurt asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. He stepped out from behind Margali's skirts.
The priest looked up at Margali. "May I? I'm not sure where your beliefs lie."
Margali shrugged. Why not?
The sun was no longer casting colored beams on the floor as Margali wandered up the aisle for what seemed like the thousandth time. She glanced over her shoulder at the pew on which Kurt and Father Dietrich, as he had introduced himself, were sitting. Kurt had shed his coat and was perched on the balls of his feet the way he always did when he was interested in something.
She caught snippets of the conversation; how Jesus was born, the miracles he performed, and finally how he died. Father Dietrich was a good storyteller and very patient, answering each of Kurt's questions in turn. It was strange, she thought, that the first real contact her son had had with anyone outside the circus was taking place in a church, but she shrugged. It seemed fitting somehow. Kurt never did anything in a straight line.
It gave her time to think about what she was going to do about Stephani. Her eldest had never seemed satisfied with their wandering existence. He always talked about homes that couldn't be picked up and moved in an hour and school. He was like his father that way, he had wanted her to stay with him in Italy rather than join her travels. In the end, they broke it off and the only ember of their love that remained was her son's Italianized version her own father's name.
But his treatment of Kurt had shocked her. Was it jealousy of Kurt's natural adaptation to performing that made him want to hurt his brother so? She couldn't find an answer, not without talking to Stephani first. It was not a conversation she looked forward to.
Father Dietrich stood up and straightened his collar. "I'm sure your mother has been waiting long enough. If you have any more questions, you can always come back." He said. Margali stopped her aimless wandering and started toward them.
"Mom!" Kurt shouted and leapt over the back of the pew. Father Dietrich caught him by the shoulder.
"Never do that." He admonished. "This is a church. You must move with reverence and respect when you visit."
Margali almost laughed when she saw how dark his ears and cheeks got. The fact that her youngest blushed purple never failed to amuse her. He looked down at the floor.
"I'm sorry." He said.
"It's okay. You didn't know. Now you do." Father Dietrich said. "You have a fine son. You must be a good mother." He said to Margali.
"I try." She said, feeling herself start to blush. She picked Kurt's discarded coat off the pew and held it out to him. Was this priest flirting with her? Or was it just the way he talked to everyone. She found herself rather scandalously wishing he wasn't a priest.
She took Kurt's hand and they said their goodbyes. Father Dietrich invited them back whenever they wanted to visit and Kurt promised he would. They walked back in the dark; Kurt easily picking out the path with eyes that didn't seem to need as much light as everyone else's.
Back in the familiar confines of their camp Kurt took his coat off and stopped briefly to watch Mary pulling a large suitcase from her trailer.
"Is she leaving because of me?" Kurt asked.
Margali shook her head. "She's leaving because of herself. She's fired, she's not the cook anymore."
Kurt made a silent "oh" with his mouth and they made their way to their trailer. It was empty inside and still dark; none of their lanterns had been lit. She struck a match and the space was quickly filled with the warm orange glow of oil lamps. Kurt sat down at the table and started to nod off so Margali hauled him to his feet and helped him get ready for bed. She was just pulling the blankets over him when Kurt sat bolt upright.
"I'm supposed to be performing!" he said, suddenly panicked.
"It's okay. You're having a night off. Every performer has to have one from time to time, even you." Margali said. She wasn't sure where Kurt's work ethic came from, but he never missed a performance or a practice session.
"But Father Dietrich said that performing was God's plan for me and that if I want to make God happy I should keep doing it. I have to go." Kurt insisted.
"I don't think Father Dietrich meant that you have to do it every minute of the day. He was telling you to keep being who you are. But that doesn't mean that if you've had a hard day you can't take a break. Trust me."
"But…"
Margali put a hand up to silence him. "The show is almost over anyways. You can go on tomorrow if you're so worried about it." She said.
Kurt yawned despite himself. He really was tired. He laid back down and let Margali tuck him in, something she hadn't done in years. "What are you going to do to Stephani?" he asked, his eyes starting to close.
"I'm going to talk to him." Said Margali. She opened her mouth to say more, but was interrupted by the sound of Kurt's snores before she could say anything.
The show was just ending when Margali got to the big tent. She peaked around the canvas flaps from backstage and watched. She caught Stephani's eye as he walked past her with a piece of equipment and he looked away quickly. The audience didn't seem to notice that anything was missing from the show. When the Olsson's took their bow she saw that Lars was wearing Kurt's costume, apparently playing his part that night.
Stephani feigned involvement in the after show clean-up effort, but Margali fixed him with a stare and beckoned him over. He put down the broom he was using to sweep wrappers and debris off the bleachers into the bag Amanda was holding. He glanced at his sister and she shrugged and looked away. Apparently either Lars or Stephani had clued her in to the afternoon's events.
They sat down on the edge of the bleachers.
"I know you're mad. And I know what I did was wrong." Stephani began what sounded like a speech rehearsed over and over in his head.
"I just want to know why." Margali said.
"It's not fair. I want to go away to school. I don't belong here. Kurt does." Stephani said.
"And so out of jealousy you decided to tell your brother things you had no right to say?"
Stephani shook his head. "I was trying to get your attention."
Margali took a deep breath. "Well, now you have it."
"All summer I've asked to go to a real school and you don't listen. Kurt performs, you're teaching Amanda how to tell fortunes, but I don't want to stay with the circus. I want to go to school like a regular kid."
"But, I've told you, we move around too much."
"There are other ways though. But since it's not what you want, you just say 'no' like it doesn't matter."
"What other ways?"
"I could go to a boarding school. I could live at school and then come with you on the holidays." Stephan said.
Margali shook her head. "You're too young."
"I'm not. I'm twelve. That's not too young. I've talked to kids in the audience sometimes. There are lots of schools where I could go. Kurt's only eight and he performs. Why can't I go to school?"
Margali sighed. Maybe Stephani had a point. She had brushed off Stephani's regular requests because they didn't fit in with her plan for him. She'd hoped he'd find his niche in the circus if she just gave him more time. Maybe he would never fit it, perhaps it just wasn't in his nature. "I don't want to reward your actions by saying yes." She said slowly. "But, I don't want to keep you from going if it's that important to you."
Stephani nodded and Margali continued. "So, you will travel with us the rest of the summer. Meanwhile I will find out about schools in Europe that might enroll you. If…" She paused while Stephani made a triumphant gesture. "And only if", she repeated, "If you can pass their entrance exams and they agree to accept you. But you have to earn it. You dug a really big hole for yourself today. It's going to take you awhile to fill it back up." Margali sat back, thinking of Father Dietrich calling her a good mother. Would he have said that if he knew the chaos that had brought them to his church in the first place?
"I know."
"And you have to apologize to your brother, but not now. I don't want it to be because I made you. You'll have to do it when you decide because I want it to come from you."
Stephani nodded. "Is Kurt okay?" He asked.
"He's fine. How's your arm?"
Stephani held his arm up. "It doesn't even hurt anymore." He said, "Where did you guys go?"
"To a church." Margali said.
Stephani looked confused. "Why?" he asked.
"Ask Kurt when you apologize to him." She said.
Stephani nodded and after a moment of hesitation slid on the bench and put his arms around his mother. She pulled him the rest of the way over and squeezed him the same way she had squeezed Kurt so many hours ago. Margali smiled to herself, maybe she wasn't such a bad mother after all.
